July 2025
June 2025
I just wrote 5 pages of stuff; maybe not that many; and I erased it; some part of me does not like my answer to this.
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Ill be writing on this subject for the remainder of my life. I learn so much from it. over n over n over.
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This is what ive learned so far.
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I was suppose to take a stage left and when the cars showed up to take me away to her house; I was suppose to have let down the window shades shut the door and locked it until they were gone.
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That girl was evil. Maybe I was suppose to help her in some ways; but she turned out to be a sociopath; and had no problem running me over emotionally over n over; proving I was a weakling; was I weakling; no! I just let her do it... and I watched. and I surmised she would not be a good person to date or associate with; actually she was not safe to associate with. She was not my friend and never would be or anyone like her.
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I tried to create a friendship with her and made a mistake. I was not strong enough to maintain a relationship with her..
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When she saw I was weak; she made fun of it and tried to act like I was nothing because I was weak; thus suggesting a system of living according to strength and weakness. I did not know it was any of her business if I was actually weak or not weak. I dont remember allowing her into my boundaries at that level. I remember her mother and her laughing at me because I didnt make a pass at her or turn into her boy friend because I was 2 immature. Still; She saw how we got along. and did not seem to have any value for it. And thats what I was looking for. someone who had value for what I had value for.
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At some point; I pulled away from her; slowly backing away more n more after watching her responses to me when she thought I weak. I just stayed away; I thought of her as evil and wanted nothing to do with them. I had already been hurt by people I did not want to be around anymore people that would hurt me. I was crushed and sad; I thought I had a friend. Someone I could trust; impossible; I had picked a sociopath.
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And I was crushed by doing so in a morbid horrible way.
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However, Gods light and love came through me with the goal of loving her. I thought God wanted to love her and was using me to do so... And I would get her trust and she would trust me and we wold become friends... And it started to work. She slowly began to trust me and show up around me.. But then I could not go any further; Maybe it was because she was so good looking; it just freaked me out sitting next to her.. I just could not see myself with her... I knew something was wrong. I just didnt trust that she would stay with me... But seriously; thats not about her; thats about me and I made it about her... She didnt do anything wrong... I never told her how I felt. And Im not sure why.
As I write this I can feel secrete hatred toward her and her family; They were evil and I did not appreciate what I had gotten myself into; I was not strong enough for that. I just wanted a nice girlfriend. I thought I could turn her into that. I thought she was being neglected and needed someone to love her. I was kind of right. But the problem was; as soon as she thought I was weak; she ran me over emotionally. And that broke my heart. And that was the beginning of the end...
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I tried several more times to show up around her for her to choose. But she didnt really care and she was not going too leave her parents... she got along with them even tho they abused her. So; she never trusted me; she wrote me off as a weakling that doesnt follow through; maybe she never trusted me after that or what I was selling...
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later she told someone I meant nothing to her.
at one point she was going to have a few guys beat me up...
Does that sound like someone that likes me. I dont think so...
Does that sound like a hurt girl. Maybe; a hurt sociopath?
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I began to see she was a sociopath like her parents. I did not want to be hurt anymore; Id had enough of these monsters. and thats what she was... No conscious.
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I went back around her for her to take stock of the situation and analyze it.
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I tried to build an authentic friendship with a monster; thats what I didnt know... and when I found out; I got out of there. but I also found myself with out any resources or family or fiends or anyone else; I was completely alone and mentally ill. I finally left the area. Unfortunately I will end up in another bad place where people will treat me badly and my condition will get much worse... I will never talk to them or tell them anything and Im run over at that place with its false friends. More pain and sorrow and damage...
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Was I suppose to help the girl; I was so messed up by that point I couldn't see strait. the girl didnt seem to value me or having me around... Nothing. and that shocked me. I never told her or made a pass at her and that ended things. With women; a boy or man has to show them tell them something to set the relationship. I never did this; I just showed up. However, the behavior after this toward me was so horrible; I got to see what the person was really like and ran off. I did not want anyone like my mother around me ever again.
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God sent me to love her? I guess if I had been strong enough. But she must have problems; and she didnt have any. I saw the neglect and that she needed to be loved but it was 2 easy for her to take it or leave it and believe in her parents....and her parents way of life.
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I went back to God completely defeated. I cared; I loved bering around her. I thought of her for ever until I got into the recovery process and worked through it over n over on paper with the 12 steps from recovery 12 step groups. Suddenly nothing was the same...
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I was going to her to be my God... instead of God. She was pure evil; her family system. crazy. did God send me their to rescue her; love her and become her friend and my future wife. I thought so. But a strange principle came up; I can pull the clay in different directions; but its still clay. Did this person want to change if they were really loved by someone.
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Did she change because I loved her or gave her attention? YEs; she did. I think. I will never know. Im always taking this to God.
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One thing I know; she was given several times a choice to talk to me or call me back or talk to me on the phone or come over or get with me...
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And years later I called her and told her how I felt; I was simply laughed at as a weakling. No value...
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With God; I do not cross the line. The person is given the information; if they have a wicked heart; it is non of my business; I am to leave the way I came; wipe the dirt off my feet on to their porch and go the way I came and never return... I am to always stay with God. If they want God bad enough; they will show up at my door step... But they never did.. I tried over n over; but they never would. and I never understood how someone who had someone that loved them that much; like I did; how could they; how could they just throw it away like I was worth nothing. In human!
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Im my opinion of this story; the girl is stuck in the middle as the victim who is not strong enough to know what to do or where to choose...
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I was stopped; I could go no further; thats a complete lie. I could have but I had hatred and contempt... And that has nothing to do with the girl; that has to do with facing and confronting bullies... Nothing to do with the girl. I have hatred for the kind of parents she had... and I had; I did not confront my mother and she ruled over me and I was defeated and fell back and gave up on everything because she didnt love me.. had no connection to me and that was more more fracture to me as a human being that she was destroying and I finally in a state of mass trauma pulled back from everything; turned into a 6 year old and stayed to myself. The girl up the street did not seem to care if she ever saw me again and I did not understand that and I will never understand that; horrible insane. brutal... in human... Why would someone change their minds on someone when they could see that I had God in me.. worthless! evil... or; I was delusional to go up their in the first place to someone that didnt need me their in the first place and was doing just fine without me.
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So; the sentence; " Why did I go up their to someone that didnt need me in the first place and was doing just fine without me"; why did I go up their; I was insane...
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So; co dependency and delusional thinking. I created this plan. And this seems closer to the truth. I was not invited into someone elses life; I invited myself into their life.
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This is what I write all this stuff; to get to the bottom line. And I think Im getting to the bottom line. I was insane and or extremely mentally ill; I invited myself up to a persons house and intruded on them and wanted to create a relationship with this stranger who did not really know me or indicate at any level they wanted me or wanted me around or wanted me for a relationship or wanted a relationship,. They were doing completely fine without me. And their is the pain.
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So; here is the new sentence; " They were doing completely fine without me".
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If they actually wanted someone; it certainly wasnt me; I was a complete stranger that just moved into the area. They never suggested I know them. I mean; I was a complete stranger. I was not suppose to know them anymore then im suppose to know most people ever.
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So; non of this is about the girl; its all in my head; all of it.. The girl actually does not exist... She is an idea in my head. I was not suppose to find a real girl and intrude onto her life or in her life. Dont we have laws against that? Is that what I am. I guess so; I guess thats what I was... one of them.
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Im still not ready to call it what it was; but Im getting close to describing what is really going on here. Im mentally ill and delusional and not suppose to meet anyone; I need help; I needed to escape that whole family; and thats what was the problem; meaning the family I was born into and living with at the time... that was the problem.
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Im hoping I can get to the bottom of all this at some point and pin point the family system more n more and the girl up the street or any other people up the lane or up the street or who ever; stop blaming those people for my internal problem and the problems I was having with this family system I grew up with; that was the problem... So; its a start..
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