July 2025
June 2025
Its starting;
Its starting at the beginning of the next phase… its starting to open up and expand and move toward… Its the beginning of the next phase.
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THE NEW PHASE IS:
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The 12 year old in me comes out and looks around; talks about it at meetings; Ive done that this morning; explaining im 12 and how it feels and feels the support from man n God…
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Steps; working in my imagination on steps forward; little micro steps; tiny tiny tiny; so small no one can see them; it looks like my feet are raising and then being put down in the same place in; 10 at a time; after 10; I jump up in cheers over n over because I win; I accomplished it. I praise God and those who have helped me; Then I start over. And Ill do this 30,000 times in my imagination; over n over; getting a little stronger each time; tiny tiny stronger; It will take a thousand times before I notice a change; but change will slowly come; as I work this over n over n over…
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These steps are practice; Their the same thing I did in my backyard as a boy (Im feeling like that again; that was the idea). Im practicing building myself up. The steps represent my commitment and foundation moving forward after what I want. Soon with enough practice; Ill learn to build bridges to anything I want within my imagination and Ill walk to them and then Ill talk to them…. And Ill practice in my imagination under God over n over n over until I get so strong Ill be like a piece a steal; and so good at it I can speak it without thinking about it…
In my imagination;
Ill practice being up in someones face that I like talking to them.. being myself smiling; telling them how I feel and being expressive and relaxed.. and showing my interests and emotions…
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Im moving over into this new way of life; Ive just started; I wont be going back… Ill be starting at this new level.
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The fear and what is frightening to open up again in life is; real rejection as I get stronger and at some point go out into the real world and take chances and see what happens.
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“In my Imagination; new narratives for my whole life from the beginning; mainly changing the narrative with my mother and father and teachers…. “
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Also; To imagine a mother and father from the beginning of my life; I interacting with them each year of my life when young; building me appropriately in new narratives for all the things I need to become for that year of my life all the way to 20 years old and what ever; for as long as it takes… All the fundamentals; imagine building; protecting me helping me being their for my first games and girlfriends and graduations and decisions and vacations and vehicles and everything… New narratives; imagined and visualized and written about as if they've already happened.
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Bulling from the past; has me angry scared nervous… I have to work with God about working with this…
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So;
At the meetings; as I wake up; Im learning that many people have gone through what Ive gone through… I mean; are stories are identical… Broken and destroyed heartbroken people in traumatic shock… Start using drugs out of neglect at an early age…
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End up thrown away living at Grandparents house… And kind of trauma bonded cocooned but spoiled and or co dependently enabled… For years… Its like being comfortably numb and afraid to go outside but still being taken care of… To a point for some; reaching the ages of 30 and 30+ and maybe Grandma dies and they have no choice but to come back to reality and get their personal lives in order. That's what happened to me; and realizing later; I had no future; but then I had no development; developmental trauma disorder… and other major problems…
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So; here I am working on getting catched up; and or up to speed in the present; For me this takes years… However; Im making progress and getting stronger slowly and slowly catching up to the starting line…
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I really never made it out of my Parents house… It was given away when I was 9 years old. I never had an exit interview from my Grandparents house.
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So; arrested development..
It looks like with enough work and heading in the right direction; at some point I can get up to speed and simply begin. Begin to deal with and look at and feel where I was at when young; and then depart from it under God in emotional legal ways… and be on my way to a newer life….
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Saying goodby to Grandmas house within my imagination!
So; Im working on the gaps between where Im at right now and getting to that place of being confident mature and developed enough to go back to Grandmas house; and work on my departure within my imagination. Grandma and her house have been gone for a long while now… So…. All of this in my imagination slowly letting go of the past; working through the past.
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Drumming; this would require practice. I don’t know… Ill pray about it.
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Was at a meeting today where the women; basically shame me to keep me under their level of acceptable male radar control… Meaning; if Im not who they want to think I am; Im put down all the time or ignored to keep my level of social status down; thus; they don’t have to look up to me as a God.. They wont accept me as I accept me.
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However; Im slowly learning to let go; learning to get used to it again and again; and accept thats what they will do as I learn to be a bit more outgoing and vulnerable taking chances. In a sense; they are attacking my vulnerability to disrespect me. Since they don’t really know me; and have pigeonholed me into their own corner; they think they have; I just sit back and go with it and practice.
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However; let me say I mean nothing to these people; absolutely nothing. As soon as this meeting is over; I don’t exist outside that meeting at all… its much worse outside the meeting…
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Heres the deal tho. Im getting better if I can cut the ropes they are trying to bind me with while in the meeting. As I practice with them or on them; I get a little stronger each time. They don’t seem to know Im practicing on them; and always have been; It seems more; Ive being incognito playing the Simp idiot fool; and they've been pleased to think; That's exactly what I am…
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Im not up to speed yet; it will be a while… I haven't done enough work yet to be any further then I am. And I have to remember that. Ill just keep at it. I earn my way into a new way of thinking; I don’t just get it for free; That would miss the point of the help my higher power is trying to do for me. My higher power is trying to get me back on my feet in my realm; pathway, league… And I can feel something; I mean; I can handle things just a little bit.
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Its like someone changing out weight in the gym on the bench press. They are going for 170 pounds to 175 pounds and they can feel it; They can barely bench press it; but they just make it over the bar… but its real close. And that's what mean; that extra push; And in other ways that happened today; a bit of more stretch… slowly getting stronger just a little bit at a time of emotional weight lifting and healing…
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I have to remember where Im at; Im not hanging out at Jesus Nun innocent central… The key is; I know what Im doing and why; I do it on purpose to be able to interact or say things; put them out to the public so I can get desensitized to the public. Ill keep it up and keep getting stronger but remember that they attack back trying to put me in my place as someone with no status. Its like a bunch of women making sure that I don’t ask them out… That Im not their type; As if I even care about that kind of thing. No one is hitting on them. Im trying to survive and prepare myself for the outside world; but they don’t have to really know anything about that or what it really means… Anyway; thats the way it always feels to me when interacting with these people. They are 2 face and even 3 sided. or 3 faced. Its hard but it doesn't really matter thats it hard; I show up anyway.
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NOTE: Its not always women; Ive had Meeting-Stars; people who get attention and recognition; They want to control me when Im at the meetings; they want to look good… I don’t want to play along.
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Im incognito. And I have to just keep going back and getting stronger.. At some point Ill get strong enough…
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A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be. When I cross that pathway and get further up the scale on the frequency level; I will not be practicing as much with these people. And at some point I wont have to go to so many meetings…
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The key is; getting over and or facing the past and being able to be present; Thats what God is help me learn to do…
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NOTE: First Love; This is one area that is very hard to get over because I was emotionally slaughtered and scared to death to go out into the world again and go through something like that again; emotional murder; thats what it was. I don’t want to go through it ever again.. This will not end; Ill continue to work through this over n over n over until I die… the last day Im on earth; Mainly for relief and understanding… I wont stop until Im gone. I learn a great deal and this one incident describes most of what I went through before this in my earlier life. The goal is relief through understanding. And so; its been more then worth it; and its slowly showing me to accept the real reality of this situation and the kind of monsters I was dealing with. However; it also showed my insanity and stupidity to throw my life into the mix with such dangerous people… with the outcome surely to be my demise; and it was; and would always be.
Also; very important; I was chasing after someone that did not love me; did not like me and did not have any attraction for me. I thought I could run my narrative over the top on this person; It didn’t work. They simply sat back and allowed me to act out anything I believed; they never stopped; they stayed silent and just allowed it to grow and grow; until finally I believed everything I wanted to the way I wanted to; being set up the whole time by the other person. I did not have any idea this was going on; However; I also had no idea who this really was! Unfortunately; ill be ghosted when I let my defenses completely down. I just didn’t understand what was going… I work with God daily to get over this; and will continue to do so…
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Learning how to stand on my own 2 feet and feel good about myself…
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THE IMPORTANCE OF MEETINGS:
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In meeting tonight a member said it perfectly; In this specific group its about not using drugs… I go to meetings and don’t use drugs. Im Learning how to live without using drugs. For me its been almost 30 years basically… a little less then that… However Ive been around the recovery rooms of many different fellowships for 30 years.. And the real topic for me for any meeting of this fellowship is; How do I live…..?
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So; a gentleman Tonight said it best; He said; I know how to live in the cemetery; I know how to live on drugs. I know how to live on the streets; I know how to live in prisons and jails; But I don’t know how to live life in society; living a principled life. He doesn’t know how to live in society. And neither do I.
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I feel like a 13 year old. I do not know how to live in adult societies. Thats what Im slowly heading toward; filling in the vast gap is the goal. Thats what all this has been about.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
When I was young; I was really really hurt by always being offered relationships by nothing but bad girls and bad people in general; fake best friends who were never my friends. It seemed like thats all their was; and all I was worth. It really hurt. I hated those people. Those people were dangerous for my health; how did they get around me. Where were the good people; was I not worth anymore then this. I was devastated.
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Are the good people really bad people in disguise. Will the good people accept me even tho Im a good person; will they see it.
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I cant trust anything anywhere.. .Nothing makes any sense… I was always based on the outside and not who I am on the inside; my personality; and when really young; this means; I may have won them over with charm and personality and confidence; but I was hitting on the wrong cheerleaders! They had a 6’4 Chad in mind; Not me! I was not their first choice. I was way way way out of my league and never knew it. I will pay for this; they will teach me a lesson for my insolence. These people were evil; and did not want someone like me around. They wanted to protect their evil; and they would teach me a lesson to stay away; and I learned it… And thats one of the best most honest things Ive written about this subject. I was not in my right place.
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So; Im working with God on this. Gods will not mine. I am starting to get a bit of a clue tho…
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Today at a noon meeting; more good stuff. More people I can relate with because they literally came from the same background. This does not mean they respect or like me or feel safe. At this point Im more then twice their ages at best. Im Oke with this; But Its getting to the point that Im an old man and getting treated like it… So; Things are changing on that front. However; everything is going well. I cant complain at all. Im learning what Im suppose to learn.
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I will keep working on this Gap issue where Im immature.. Its grow up or die; Assuming Im in recovery groups that I may grow up; it only applies when Im in allot of recovery capable situations; that's when it all applies. So; keep going to the rooms and growing… Its working.
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Im like a cup a milk; Its been said that the cup is either half full or half empty. Im 75% full; the rest of the journey; the 25%; has to be filled in. unfortunately; I don’t get for free; I have to earn every bit of it; and thats what Im bi_ching about all the time!
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Back from another meetings; and another answer is; Manageability; I lost manageability mental illness; my mind left; I could not sustain that level of mental ability. I could not manage anything anymore. My mind was shot… it was schizophrenic like. Broken into sections…
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So; as I get better or heal; Im interested in having some manageability back. Manageability was a major problem; the collapse of my personalty. And this is what has to be addressed.
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The creating of my Broken heart again.. Tales from my past;
My broken heart came; that when others saw I could not function; I walked backward turned stood and watched their behavior; Instead of helping; they competitively walked all over me… Having them compete with me and allowing them to win was not the problem; The problem was the horror of the almost immoral way I was being treated. I didn’t have a friend there… they were not my friend… My friends would not ever treat me that way; so; I was defeated; I was defeated because this was not someone that cared about me. All I could do was turn; give up any kind of relationship with them and leave.
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NOTE: Im just starting to remember what its like to be around people who don’t do any of these kinds of negative things to me; but for me to be around those kinds of people; I would have to become a different person; And thats what Im working with God on; To be around good people again.
I made a big big mistake when young; Always never let someone else discover me; find me attractive person first with me. And then after they are interested; one of the few or what ever in life; Then ideally they would approach. I did just the opposite; I approached and promoted myself like a salesman when they had no reason to have anything invested ( they weren’t interested). In most cases; I was only allowed around them because they were bored… When they tired of being bored; I was dropped; just like that! They had no investment in me; and could care less what happened to me or if they ever saw me again… I meant nothing to these people; and I will always mean nothing to people who don’t discover me naturally…. And take a natural interest on their own first. .
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Now; working with God; Gods will not mine; Ill have to see where God leads me… I spent my time around people that hated me; spit in my face and thought they where better then me.
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The answer for part of this; Instead of telling you about the clowns at the circus; How about I explain why I was continually going to the circus when I knew it was only filled with clowns…
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Why did I stop at the circus and not allow God to take me to a God based direction; ( and this is what Im learning now; how to allow God to take me on a God direction). Now; Allow God to take over; to take me to decent people and a decent life; That is the real question Im working with God.
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Im not sure how long this will take; to get some strength back into this broken part of my mind… Or this broken mind in general.
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NOTE: Ill be working with God on how to be in relationships again… Not get hurt… meaning; taking responsibility in relationships. The other person my reject me; My goal is not to get hurt over it…
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So; my mind is broken… And the goal is to make this my priority and work on this only; meaning; this is the problem… and I wanna work through past relationship ideas that I had high expectations for; That I had no reason to have expectations. Even tho I really don’t like that… or admitting it.
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THE MEETINGS: RECOVERY
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What way does recovery go now! More n more the main problem is my breakdowns and my mental condition and the condition of my mind; a broken mind. Fine! What do I do now…
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Ill work with God to start the strange switch from meetings to something else. Im not sure what that means. My mind is still broken and going out into the real world still causes problems fro me. Im not yet at that point of going outside; So Ill be working with God.
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The real issue is; Can the meetings continue to help me. I guess; but they also cause problems because of some of the treacherous people in those places.
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How far do I go in these meetings. I mean; Im getting the point. Now what… I still need to heal. Fair enough. Ill start praying about the next level to move to. However; Regardless of the level I move to; my mind is still broken. And its seriously broken./
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Ill be working with God and putting out more specific work concerning new places God wants for me..
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RELATIONSHIP; IM AT THAT POINT
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Its happened; And its beginning… Im up to speed for this; kind of; long armed or finders; many of them attached to me like long arms feeling through the realms of murky spirituality in the universe and they are connecting to the next level. That level now; Im aware of; has moved inland and I can see the end of these connectors; These are moving inland like crawlers or like hydroplanes kind of; hover craft… over land… and they have made their way into the new color areas of my spirituality that is connected to the universe; and within my imagination; They have entered the relationship tableland-Vega. I have just become aware of this impaling into new territory. Thus; I am now moving my virtual studio within my head; the management center; onto this subject; relationships; That is what I will now focus on.
Before this; I was focused on getting their; getting into this tundra from whence I was adjusted and preoccupied.
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This means; I was out on the ocean somewhere digging up other things in other territories; working to understand that part of self through my imagination and the use of the universe; Thus as Ive been building pathways within my soul and imagination; I have now shown up around relationship fields… For this is where the probing connectors have branched out and felt and found. Im now moving into this new subarctic snow forest for development; This is the next earned authentic field area; RELATIONSHIPS>..
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This means no past; it means the past has been worked on; However; Ive authentically worked through enough of what needs to be worked through and Ive made to this new area; Something Ive been working toward in the recovery process hard; for years… Im now seeing and feeling myself over Relationship Field…
So; Ill begin the journey in this new area….
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MEETING:
Did fairly well….
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Im getting better; I have to keep working on relationships… in my imagination. I have to have success in my imagination first; completely…. I know what I need to do; Just have to do allot of it every day to build that up in my imagination through visualization; drawing; writing stories and narratives… as if things have already happened.
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Ive been writing narratives about my whole life starting at age 3 ½; Ill continue to do so. The idea is to write up into age 20; rewriting my history from the beginning as I would have wanted it; writing about my parents the way I would have wanted them… and the school systems and many other things; This time without the fake friends or other harmful people.
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