June 2025
May 2025
Moving forward…
Wht am Im moving forward; what does it mean; what does it look like…
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Im getting that feeling and its manifesting into an image… its an image of working and independence. This does not mean Im going to work; Im on disability for good reason and Im getting a bit old. However; its that feeling of working through the major bigger aspects of the past; where I end up accepting everything and moving into the present. Its heart breaking but I know enough to walk through it…
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FIRST LOVE; As I worked through; one area has been hard to let go of or the acceptance; a tenderness…
This was a person I did not know; most of my interactions with her were schizophrenic like; Dissociative dissociated from reality. I never really knew the person; and they never new me. I only knew them in my mind but didn’t know that not for months and months and months; It was mental illness that presented most of my non reality concerning this jolted broken mess. I spent most of my time thinking about who I thought this person was and how I related with her. I never actually needed the person; most of my interacts were in my brain. Im not sure I ever really interacted with her. Most of it was my mind going from reality to unreality. At some point in the future; I somehow woke up realizing; I had no idea who this person was… And I didn’t know what or how I had ever met this person or why! Or what I was doing around her; So I left and never came back… Its very possible I was switching in between several different personalities.
I remember when woke up; It was like I had no interest in this person at all; nothing; and I didn’t know why I was around her. I was horrified by it; and I left and never came back… Suddenly I felt nothing for this person; I felt sick to my stomach that I had ever met her… and I left hurriedly.
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Strangely; As I worked through this and still working through; but as its ending in my mind and heart; I feel a strange thing; I feel a tenderness. I know nothing was there… but I still feel a kind of tenderness; a real sensitive tenderness as I move by or move on through this experience.
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Im feeling a strange feeling of coming through the past into the present. Living in the present; as if Ive earned it; I have I guess; under God! ….
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So; here I am; Im not bragging or something; I don’t have anything going on. Im just slowly moving forward into NOW; into reality!
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Slowly as I work on it. Im not going through a bunch of hills or mountains anymore in a sense; Im much more very close to the cobble stone streets of the city… Im very close if not their already. I may be their already; I may have arrived on what I was attempting to manifest years ago; it may have already come true… I think it starting to.
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Im very sad at times; kind of; Im not sad; Im something; it not traditional sadness but it is; Im just so strong dealing with it anymore. Im so used to it it doesn’t stop me much anymore.
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Its more like grieving the past as I walking forward at the same time into a new present. I wont say a new life; in the sense something has been given me I havent earned; I earned the right to show up on new streets in a new time as a newer curious being; Fair enough; However; I havent earned anything; So Im just here… slowly landing where Im at; slowly slowly slowly; looks like Ive kind of arrived. Ive arrived; I can feel it underneath me. Im not sure the upper part of me is hear now;it still scrambling; but the lower part of me under my feet is here now! It has arrived. And will get stronger and more of me will arrive… but not allof me; not yet; but its very close… I think; still; walls are blocking me from being in reality; parts of me…
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WHAT DO I MOVE INTO;
The work on Relationships
The work on Activities…
All in the present; no need to look in the back or past… No need; Ive got it already figured out. I know what happened.
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Its a kind of acceptance… and just kind of find myself in reality and most of the past is just a kind of bad dream I don’t need to be a part of. I can live in the present now.
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DAMAGE:
My mind is very weak and deeply damaged; to a point of many areas dissociation… So; it is what it is; but Im Ok. I cant say Im happy; but Im getting their… I cant say Im not; I think relieved is a btter example; its not all perfect. Its pre mature… is a place God has brought me… its being brought into Gods sovereign realm; a place…… a place created by God for me. Im coming into the present of it… its like im landing… and Im here? Well; yes.
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Its like God bringing me to a new place; I enter with the owner and they show me around and it will be my new place to live; My soul… in this safe place with God…
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Is any of this making sense….
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its like being squeezed through a bottleneck a bit into the present… Not that bad but something like that.
Its like playing a video game; and suddenly I find myself in the video game…
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Im in! Im in the vortex…. I guess…
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Its just starting… Im just being offered this right now. By God and Im looking at it; Im being introduced to it. Introduced by God to new things..
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Im learning today to go to God.. and just stay with God; tell God what I want or Im interested in. Im not going of the trail this time…
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I don’t even know if when leaving he trail if I ever actually went anywhere or it was in mind and in reality I never left my music room.
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In many cases Ive been a shut in all my life or in a state of paranoia and pain all my life. Ive been alone all my life. Might as well been completely schizophrenic my whole life; I have been; its been the same thing and its been the same outcome. Ive ended up like many on disability with such severity.
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My mind has been somewhere for most of my life; but its been way deep deep down in the crevasse of my inner being somewhere deep in the core of the mountain…
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Here I am now; its like a new place; a place created by God…
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Im very lucky….
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parts of me are getting better while I know many people out here in life are getting worse… It was that way for me. Im not suggesting Im cured. Only suggesting my attitude is so much better… I believe again in living; but this time living under God; Gods sovereign state. Im under Gods care. Before this I was mentally gone and lost. I was still under the states care and Gods; but not much of me was home…
Now; Im working on trying to accept that most of what I believe happened to me in the outside world never really happened. Meaning; I never really had the relationship connections I ever claimed to have; I just imagined I did.
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In fact; I imagined most things after being destroyed when young.
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being destroyed and abuse and trauma sexual abuse; abusers and so on; All of this is unfortunately real.
The rest in the outside world; I doubt it.
I don’t think so.
My mind was to weak and torn apart to be part of anything… and still is. But Im much better about life now.
I don’t think anyone owes me anything. I can see my mind created most of the reality I thought was reality. Most others I remember; I probably never met them… drug abuse and alcohol will start to kick in after many losses in teen years… All things will be losses as I had no one and I was alone. Thrown away from all things.
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So; I guess im trying to make a point of accepting the past to rest; its kind of doing it anyway at this point as Ive worked through most of it now if not all of it. Ive certainly touched on all of it; most of it; Ive worked through most if not all or many of the most important issues and people taking space in my head; enough of it; I can kind of live in the present now; now knowing who was to blame and what happened.
For most of those people; I was living in a state of euphoria and delusion and a kind of permanent psychotic dissociation. Im still in these things slowly learning how to get something out of life.
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I still try in life. I go to meetings and deal with Goals and dreams while On disability and for the most part; I am getting fulfillment from my life as it is. Im grateful for what I have. I have truly amazingly allot considering; really. Im sure allot of people in my position are in a much different state of mind of hopeless desperation. Ive been in the recovery process for a long long time and have been able to find a God and work with them to feel same safety and relief.. And I am grateful for that.
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Allot of my life I thought was real was not real. I was in a dissociated state. Many times I could not tell the difference between the outside world and what I was imagining… I did not know that what I was imagining was not going on in the outside world; it was going on in my head not the outside world; but I would not know that…
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This constant problem of dissociation will cause a smashing classicalistic disaster with reality; Ill come crashing into reality and not know what happened; its like im blind and Im running into reality and cannot see. And thus Ill begin to fail at everything and simply drop away; drop out. I wont be able to interact correctly.
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So…
Im getting the past understood where its become the past. And its just kind of slipping away; its turning not nothing more then passing memories of no real importance to me as Im in the present reality.
Im cleaning up my side of the street to the point that I really don’t need a past. Ill deal with what happened to me when young; However; Anything outside of that; any place or way I disrupted anyone elses life and blamed them for it; I ask for forgiveness and I will be leaving that situation and not returning.
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In so many cases; I was never asked to join people. I was off kilter and found myself around others that did not invite me… they just kind of put up with this stranger guy hanging around them. Until they stopped putting up with it and asked me to leave.
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And I left and never went back. I could not interact correctly in realty. Now; Ive stopped blaming others for this… And Im learning to clean up my own side of the street. God has let me know; I must first work through the past before God will allow me to roam freely in the present. I must get through past false relationships before God will allow me into others in the present. And I must become present if I want things in the present and God will help me with all of this… And is. And has.
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So. Moving forward cleanly out of the past into the present.
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