July 2025
June 2025
Ive been working with the universe for a long time... Well; yes!
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Ive been having movements froward; As I take chances and move forward and Im confronted by others; Im growing past them.
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I may have just grown past the girl that tricked me; fooled me, defrauded me, swindled me, hoax, deceived... IT was the kind of trickery or game I read about or watched through detective shows concerning criminals and at times serial killers.. the kind of planned deception; thats what happened to me... Thats probably what I was dealing with; a monster like that and some of those victims of those monsters had mental breaks from reality because of the forced traumas of different sorts and it was the same for me.
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One area I have not been willing to accept because of my arrogance and laziness or pride or my own narcissism; is that this person was sick. I mean; I dont care what I call it; Why am I blaming someone for being themselves; Something is lazy about me blaming them; its as if I have no role in it but the whole problem is the role I created for myself while I found myself going to this monster; they never came to me. and its been hard to let go of the fact that maybe I was looking for someone to victimize; I victimized them by creating a scenario with a monster that they take advantage of me and then I scream victim; " Im a victim of this perpetrator". " help help! Ive been victimized". Blame game. Im looking for someone to blame.. To hate... Yes; this is part of things. Part of the sick connection I was creating with this monster... So I was just as deceptive... and got caught. I got caught and exposed and laughed at and dumped.
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ultimately this is a monster and should not have any connection or feelings of connection toward this monster and thats whats finally happening as I move forward... This monster is getting let beyond.
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Its also possible that I had the classic trauma bond with this monster; that I was rendered useless very quickly by her with no defense; and that is correct. and hard on my ego as well; it was very quick and I was manipulated and seduced. The fact I meant nothing to her; comment she made later; indicates all of this was contrived. I had been assaulted in a away; by a perpetrator who saw a weakling she could dupe... and she did. She had no conscious; certainly no remorse.
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Im just at the beginning stages of being without her in my mind; Something clicked or Ive now been re programmed enough to accept life as It is so I dont have to have her memories or I now have enough confidence to go after what I want in the real world and so I dont have ONLY HER MEMORIES as something to HOLD ON TO! Something like that; Its not just that I can move on. I Just did move on. Something happened in my mind and my thinking as Ive been working on this and this information has just moved into past memory information.
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Do you remember seeing a history channel documentary on something; on someone; and they show the person from like high school in 1990 or something. Like 30 years ago or 2000; 20 years ago; its like past tense. Think of how that feels; its like looking at your great grandfathers year book from 1940s or something... Its all past tense; its history...
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So this girl I liked when young; being young at that time; thats all becoming history. The whole time period; not just the girl; but Im grieving just a little. But Ive faced things in the present lately that is making her nothing more then a past documentary.
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One very important aspect that is occurring; Im being re programmed to see her for the shark she was; a merciless monster... That is what I seemed to not be able to face. I guess if she was the criminal sociopath it meant something; it meant the whole time period was bad; of that time and nothing good came of it and I was wrong and the whole experience was a failure or something.
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Im finding now that the truth is good enough. That this was the wrong person to imply feelings for. This was a scary human being and no one I should have glanced at for any amount of time; or ever met; nothing. Unbelievable.
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Im training my brain to back off away from people like this or the memory or any other connections like people like this. I was victimized because I Was an unassuming bystander completely lied to from the beginning.
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I saw a show on a serial killer that would bring neighborhood people over to the house; they were unassuming; thought nothing of it. Next thing u know; those same people were kidnapped; They had no idea that was going to happen to them; they were easily treated normally until they felt disarmed and friendly; and thats when the criminal would strike..... its the same kind of thing that happened to me; maybe it was 2 much for me and to much for me to remember because the whole thing was so bad... being led on the way I was led on; horrible and criminal. And nothing but a game. IT was a sociopath with no remorse. So; I just didnt know...
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Now; Im finally allowed to see some of the information correctly for what it was with all its disturbing qualities and its very hard to take in any of it; I have to take in little bits at a time or its overwhelming for me....
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I got caught snarled and entrapped like an animal by this person; this fake potential girl that would be friend or more; more like a girl friend. I was loved bombed; and what makes me mad is the deliberate action; immediate action by this person right from the very first meeting with her; first eye to eye contact or what ever; the first hello I was sized up... right then; right from the start I was being sized up to being deceived and played. That right there. And Im mad at the people who brought me their; Some how I damn mad at them... like I was tricked. And I was; it was to my death; and thats all she was; death; along with her sicking family system. And I guess Im mad that my time was waisted because thats all they were doing; it was a joke to them... And I had no idea that was going to happen to me. I was very young and wanted my dreams to happen for me and thats what those criminals did to me.
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My best friend growing up; Now; Im starting to look at moments at his house hold when young; same thing; not safe; they were never my friends. I should have never been their; it was a mistake; I did not know. Now I know.
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And I think; in this life; The ability to work with God and have that known is worth its wait in gold because now I can correct it.
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As for this first love or girlfriend I wanted; it never happened; this was a monster. I was in a kind of shock. probably from being in a trauma bond of sorts. She was aware of everything. I was just being used; but she was a sociopath and attracting other sociopaths. And I better of gotten the hell out of their. I know better know; as the fact she was a cobra or snake is what she was.... dark evil. pure hatred and evil. pure satanic evil. and the more this comes to light and God shows me the truth beyond the façade; the freer I become.
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My step father or what ever he was is next inline to be looked at. Same thing. I had to change for these people to fit with them; if they treated me like garbage; I treated me like garbage to survive. its such a sad story. I was just an innocent little boy... thats all I was.. being destroyed with no way out and no help; nothing; and no place to hide or escape. nothing...
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So the parents or step parents will be looked at; brothers will be looked at; grand parents will be looked at; ill keep looking at these people; over n over n over until I am free of them.
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At this point The girl up the street; my first love; im becoming free of; she; more n more is looking like a black demon. My best friend growing up is looking like a liar and deceptive pathological performer. meaning; someone with money who was fooling me the whole time; I was being used by his family and he will turn into something of the level of a sociopath; maybe not quit... but close kind of; I mean; maybe; something like that; not much of a human being; not safe for me to ever have met. ridiculous.
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The goal is to love God and have God has the number 1 power in my life; not people. I gave myself to people as if they were nice people and honorable; the only human being out of the bunch was me. And the only honorable person was me; the rest were monsters. and my God I didnt know they were... I mean; the friends or girlfriend potential; had no idea... at first or later. Grandparents; didnt know until I lived their... didnt know anything. Now I do. never knew my parents were monsters until I was old enough for them to throw away; and then they were leaving so it didnt matter.
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I am co dependent; I am looking for love. When others are about their business. I guess. I have to remember that.
This girl up the street; shes not the only one. Im attracted to sociopathic women who put on a good front. I have a deep desire to rescue them... And I dont see it; that they are fakes or sociopaths with no remorse until I actually see evidence of it and then Im in shock. And it hurts; Im better now; maybe; but they are always sociopaths.
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So; I have allot of learn about being with nice women... assuming I dont die of old age; but Im getting it.
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I mean; the goal is to get me back into me; my worth and value aligned with myself and God; stop making other people into Gods that are to rescue me and take care of me because I end up in the houses of satanic monsters and Im destroyed; its never nice people; thats never happened. ever!
And that scares me.
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Im getting closer to getting my mental health or spiritual health back. I still have vast long term PTSD problems; agoraphobia and dissociative disorder and milder forms of depression Dysthymia and other things.
So; Im not real strong but Im starting to differentiate reality from un reality. I guess thats called sanity; some of that is showing up.
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