June 2025
May 2025
Ill continue to write on her or me or what ever this whole thing is about. And its about me re living her and not moving on; and thats what its about and thats why I continue to write about her; Ill continue until a clear picture emerges of an awful person I should not be thinking about...
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The best friend I had growing up; God helped me to figure that one out to a point I dont have any issues on the type of monster I was dealing with. And because of that; I dont need them have to think about them ever again; at least to a working level. Ya know.
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So; The first girl I loved should be no different. I want it out of my system because this is not true. But for some reason the grieving process of loss is to much for me. As I write this; I see this dissociated place where I have placed a picture of her in the realm of a saint or mother Teresa... And thats the problem. The love I felt for that view of that picture.. And the truth is; it does not exist and never did. But it feels so good its like a drug I dont want to give up. But its pure laziness and fake. Its like a dissociated drug. Its like a thorn in my side... But its on the opposite scale. opposite side of things but is just as unreal and delusional...
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Im not being honest; thats the problem and Im trying to get to that honesty and thats the problem. I feel like I have to go through sexual abuse time periods and when I was thrown away from my home as a child and re live all of that to get to this person that is eating me alive. Some how the small child in me has pinned her as mother or something... And wont let go of her and its driving me crazy.
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Right as I want to let go the child in me dissociates me and pulls her back. She seems to have something to do with my self view and worth. Or her picture does.
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So; ill keep drying different angles and open things up.
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She was a stuck up cheerleader out of my league and you would have to think me crazy that I could have actually gotten her as a girlfriend; something was completely off. I never believed it in a second...
Something was completely off. I never bought that she liked me. I believed that when she realized who else she could go out with; id be done.
I found it strange that she liked me... with my innocence and values; I just didnt believe it nor believed it would last very long; id be dumped for someone else. I never believed she really saw any value in me.
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But something hooked me into believing.
Something hooked me because she started manipulating and grooming me as if I had a chance and I didnt; and she knew I didnt. And it was all a game And I allowed it knowing it was a game. I fell for it. I fell hard for her. To hard; way to hard; this was not some nice christian girl. This was a monster. Why was it so important that I tame her. It was my ego and nothing else. Social status and nothing else; look at me; th big guns... look what I can do; everyone will be in wonder of me... How great I am. It just proves how great I really am. as for actually liking her; thats where I made the mistake.
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It was my Ego to take it one step further into actually liking her when no evidence of the sort suggested doing such a thing. I should have ran.
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Why didnt I run!
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So; this was an unsafe person and I was to broken down and traumatized and lazy to care anymore; I just wanted a friend; Im not saying I didnt want a girlfriend.
What ive learned now; tell them up front what I want. not everyone knows that. I do now. its not to late for me.
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Ive got the general idea; she was like a swimming pool; you look in the big room; I open the door; see the pool; look at it; look at the reflection; shut the door and move on. I might look again through the window as Im passing by; but I have no reason to go in. I just keep walking; but im lazy. And thats what this is all about. I allowed myself to be taken away; swept off my feet so someone else would take over and Id live a wonderful life.
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I had no idea what I was doing or getting myself into. I came from an innocent kind of neighborhood and assumed I would find nice friends. And altho I was in a new neighborhood; I assumed she was a nice friend because I am. What I didnt know was the neighborhood; I really didnt know anything about her or them. On the surface; no problems; but still; their were problems. but no one goes on the surface; I mean; would you leave your children at some strangers house after you know what society is like?
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Why would I leave myself at some strangers house.
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Back to the facts.
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She was a stuck up cheerleader; not a nice person... She wasnt; And my ego is having a hard time with this. I was living through her. if she was a cheerleader; what would that make me if I was dating her. But seriously; was she really looking for someone like me; I was a sensitive nice guy not an alpha male. Good chance she thought I was an alpha kind of by the way I was acting around her.
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Why was I acting the way I was acting around her. I should have pulled back; Im lazy; smart people check the environment; I did not do anything; I was mindless. This was the wrong match for me... This was a deadly match for me; what am I saying; what am I thinking. Im trying to snap out of this.
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Heres the deal.
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IN AA; in some of my meetings; 12 step meetings; We have a saying; " We have untreated alcoholism. What does that mean; we are still acting like we are drunk all day long making decisions drunk. And thats exactly what I was doing; its as if I was drunk from dissociation and abuse and I was mindless and throwing myself on people. And theirs the truth. But; Im still to immature to accept it; maybe more work through the abuse years and I will sober up in this area.
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The problem with this subject is; Im not sober. Im thinking like a lazy dry drunk; and the only way I know how to fix this is to keep writing until the truth burns its self through all of these words. Until I can finally separate what happened here; meaning; what did I do to myself. And to put an evil dark light on this monster then shut the door and leave her alone,.
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The only reason Im thinking about her is im so lazy I wont accept who she really was. and this is the work in order to force or learn how to accept her for who she really was; no one I should have ever known. Ive got to see her as unsafe... Thus; I must become a person that lives by values that see her as unsafe.
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I made her out to be something she was not.
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Heres the problem; regardless of who this person is or was. I was not suppose to hang around her. or know her...
the only reason I knew her was because I was so lazy I didnt allow myself to not to... No thinking; and I was destroyed. I walked into a nightmare... a horrible nightmare of someone with no conscious. Nothing. These types have no depth; just nothing; they are not looking to look deeply into their problems; instead; they stay corrupt and look for more corrupt people and just write me off; shes not the last one like herself that I have met.
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The problem is; Im emotionally stuck in that thick m-og....
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I have to get up and walk out of that place; that Meir; that swamp.... Thats the problem; walking out standing on my own to feet into onto a sidewalk in front of me in a decent neighborhood and start over. I am or have not been able to walk out of that situation; Im a dependent type personality and have become glued into that thing; but not really. Im loose within those walls and I can walk out; I just dont want to because the outside world is swirling around me to fast. I have no destination; its better in their in my fantasy in that Meir... that swamp. Thats what Im having to work my way out of.
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One way to work my way out of this is to see it for what it is and see her for what she was. and that angers me that I have to do that. Im damn mad I wasnt in her league or good enough for her. I couldn't go either way; I couldn't talk to her and be strong that way and see if something could devleop and I could walk away accepting that I had gotten in over my head with someone more mature then me that can handle a relationship with what they were looking for; an Alpha male; and accept that I was not enough and just walk away; I was not in the ball park; now accept it and walk, away; whats the problem here! !!@!!!
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So; their it is. I have to get started again on someone my own like sage. My own spiritual level; kind of a beginner,.
This girl when I was young was no beginner. She wasnt; she wasnt looking for me. I dont know who she was. But I got to stop asking and move on. Thats the damn problem. its like a war inside me and I cant seem to get the message.... she didnt exist; nothing their; move on,.
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The only way Im going to move on is to wake up out of this dissociated delusion and that will take facts; facts showing she was not who she claimed to be or I thought she was according to her behavior.
Im almost violent writing this; screaming and smashing my head back in fourth out of anger because I have to do this.
Pride and arrogance are part of this; I really thought I had it going on... I had nothing and Im having a hard time understanding that I have to earn things; not just expect them...
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Im not in reality; people broken and not in reality; cant go up to someones house. Im just now after a million years of recovery relearning how to be in reality; Im just starting now!
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So; I was not present; My God; I dont know who I was. I was hoping she could help me... Why? Why did I think she could help me? Why? How!
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I needed a nut house; thats what I needed. Going to someone elses house; No.
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The problem is; when I tell you I was hoping she could help me! I want red flags to go up all over the place; but their not; The child in me wont let them; or: The child in me knows better but the lust filled adult is the one causing the problems; the one who was sexually abused. who doesnt care about anything. everything for me is like going to a bar.
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So; Ill keep writing about it. and getting to the bottom line.
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What Im so afraid of is letting go of her. but what Im afraid of is not being able to get sober enough within myself to admit I needed a nut house and no other... and nothing else. No one else and get real and honest about it. Im not sure why I have to go to war with myself concerning the truth. Im so damn lazy; thats what it is.. laziness; I just don't care.
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Im working on trying to wake up. Im not going to kill myself; so... Im in the brink of a new beginning of things; first I have to change my slothful ways because they have no place in all of this. My slothfulness comes from anger. No parents no upbringing; nothing; thrown away no life; fair enough. But Im changing all that. but I find myself so used to being slothful and not caring about anything. mental illness has allot to do with that.. But still. Im wanting to change.
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Not done yet. Just getting started when it comes to this girl. Some how my slothfulness dealing with her didnt work; I got found out and dumped quickly as someone not safe.
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The key to all this is; all those character flaws are still here; I have to start with her to re generate myself out of her.. .out of my emotional interest in her... See her for what she was; My lazyness is whats keeping me from seeing her for what she is and what she was... Thats the problem; its like being in a dream. I dont need to be in a dream about this. Why would I need to; its got something to do with exposing the truth of my up bringing; I was dumped by my mother and father and now or should say then I was dumped by her 2...
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If I can make her out to be rotten and worthless I can bi pass all this because she doesnt matter anyway. and enough evidence suggests she was a stranger that should not matter.
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Ill have to relearn how to meet nice people where Im at now.
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Lets look at another aspect of this.
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Im still trauma bonded to my mother and the way the sadistic abuse in her form was used against me; I never dealt with the trauma bond. I know of it; but am still attached and its to much for me to let go of. So; Im attached to my mother first and cant let go to deal with the girl who was up the street; deal with my situation with her emotionally and psychologically speaking.
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I was at a meeting somewhere; and it hit me that my brother was trauma bonded to her; damn; Im still trauma bonded to her and cant deal with it because of the losses incurred or created.
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So; this is about my mothers trauma bond; not the girl up the street. and that means what did she do directly to me that was so overwhelming that it destroyed me through an overload of terror and trauma and neglect and CPTSD and developmental trauma disorder.
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So...
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I was hoping the girl up the street could save me; we could become friends; since we had all this in common; but we didnt; she was a sociopath or should signs of it; she was not a broken person looking for help. And she did not have a problem with the way her parents were treating her... She did not need me for anything; nor was she looking to change. She may have been looking for a boyfriend; but I doubt it; she probably already had someone else in mind and I wasnt it. I did slam into her world like a tsunami but what does that mean; nothing; and nothing to her...
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I was a stranger and I remained a stranger; I was chasing after... interested in someone; they didnt have to do anything; they did nothing; I did all the work... They seemed to respond to me; but I dont know why; and Ill never know because I had no value to the person; as soon as someone better came along she went with that; she should have known better.
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" She should have known better"; Thats an interesting sentence or phrase. That suggests I had an inner development with her; inner world between me and her and that did not exist. Nothing existed.
So; I created a fake world between me and this person or my image of this person and relied upon it to keep me alive. It was all I had. And now I would like to get rid of it because their was no actual relationship between me and the actual person. The real person wanted nothing to do with me. And I didnt seem to be able to get the message; it was quick and sharp and to the point; I was not wanted their.
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Im trying to get weight of it down. The anger of it worked through; but Ive not dealt with the anger; it seems she may have been just like my mother; set me up and used me.. I walked right into it.
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Im trying to see her as being of no more value and walk right out of it. Thats what all this writing is for. Im trying.
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I was able to break ground with the first friend I had when young; or first major level friend; who turned out to be no friend; but I found that out; the gig was up. And I immediately moved on.
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I want to do the same concerning this girl. and it may be that ill need to own more of my really younger life and the events and day to day experience of it; remembering it owning it so I can have me back.
Because being around that girl when young; it destroyed me; destroyed my identity of myself. it destroyed me. And its only monsters that want to destroy people at that level. Ive been through it a few times; so its imperative I learn to let go of this situation; work through it by seeing this person for the monster she really was. Seeing the traits and suddenly moving on because that person was dangerous; and danger and part of me is laughing as if it doesnt matter.
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It may take a long long time but Ill get their; I know she is no different then the fake friend I had growing up. I know it. Its just a matter of time before I find the tarnish in the glass ceiling if you know what I mean.
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