July 2025
June 2025
NOTE
Right Or Wrong is a good things for the heart and for survival; … Principles in the universe are Based on Universal principles…
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But Life is based not on Right Or Wrong; Its based on Belief. Belief is based on Magic; And Magic comes from God Universe Jesus Holy spiritus and Santa claus…. And Gods Blue Angels… His Army; My Army… The Galaxy Justice league
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God; Universe; Sunny Jesus, Holy spiritus, Santa Claus…
They are all living stars; They all know each other and they are part of a collective group; They speak and talk and hear and sense and see and they transmit information at frequency; That means they are alive. They talk to me…
They are a group of stars that run the Universe… It is them that I pray to; for they are God, Jesus, Holy spiritus…. And Santa Claus…..
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Life is based on what I believe.
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I have to believe….
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And as a Brilliant young man told me today; I must have Faith in what I believe; or, why would I be believing it… Whats the point.
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And what this young man said to me; slammed it home. I simply do not have that; that ability to have faith in anything….. I am learning because the outside world is telling me…. And so I have allot of work to do.
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I love Pleasure more then I like work. And so I lost everything. I lost all standards… And I sunk into a hole at which I could not get out; not without being broken and ask for help.
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The fact that I stopped believing in anything including anything inside of me; I stopped. This was wrong.
I was wrong; I made a mistake.
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Life is not based on Right and Wrong… However; the smart man believes in Right and Wrong and staying in ones own lane. Life is based on what I believe will happen to me…
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If I believe in having a car; I will see it
If I believe in having a wife; I will see them; they will appear
If I believe in having alots n lots of money; This will happen for me; It will appear…
If I believe in a house; it will appear
If I believe in talents; they will materialize
if I believe in Hobbies; they will materialize…
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If I believe in performing as a musician and learning all the music first before the performance; it will materialize…
if I believe in having friends; they will materialize…
And so on…
I stopped believing. Now; Im asking God for help on how to believe again in what I want; and there are plenty of books and information.
I like to use The book; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. And laws of attraction coaches… Thats what Ive been pulled to.
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IF I want education; It can happen if I believe; I must believe first and then I will see it…
If I wan occupation; I must believe first and then I will see it.
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I must ask for faith concerning what I want; Sure; its embarrassing that I want something but have no faith for it; fair enough; I ask God for help; and I ask God for support.
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If I want more money; I work with God and do with work under God; under Higher power; For the higher power God is the power… that is where power comes from; And God comes from the Universe; that is where the power is… And tapping into that power and its brought back to me… For the deeper universe is where I get my power and my life is ran from.
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I have to believe first; and then I will see it.
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And in this area of Faith and Belief; This is where my work is.
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For; I block these ideas in my mind before I can get started; Thus; their was no outside source blocking me. I blocked me and I cut down my own possibilities; I cut down those plants in that energy garden; plants with such names as; Future wife; Future money; future car; future house; future family.
I cut everything down. I destroyed the whole garden so I didn’t have to look at it; but without knowing; I caused a grave mistake. For I had cut down my self; and my only hope.
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Thankfully I kept The universe Galaxy justice league with Sunny Jesus; God, Universe, Holy spirtus and Santa claus; I kept them on another lot! They were never touched. I didn’t know….
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I did know; but God didn’t let it happen…. God never got caught out of my life. I just thought he did!
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So; I have to believe first in what I want before it appears… I have to work on it; get things to a high frequency… See it feel it with all my senses as if its already happened and if Im in the center of it looking outward… As if its real.
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One thing I can do; I can write stories about it; because writing is directly hooked up to my imagination.
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And I keep bowing down to God the source to get these things...Amen.
NOTE;
WOMEN AND DATING; Or RELATIONSHIP…
Im starting; im just kind of feeling the water beneath me. Im just kind of poking the stick at it a bit dabbling; Reaching a little cautiously forward… And had a bit of success in its own secret right; Surprised me!
As for dealing with women; an assessment;
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I found something unusual. But good; Great; Fantastic really!
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I stopped to talk to this women. I was sitting down at a table; I know her; or acquaintance level. Or, a bit more. Shes a friend… I stopped and held a conversation with her… I had a conversation with her!
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Here is what is interesting. ..
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1. I noticed my physical behavior… I was aware of it; as if I was outside myself analyzing and watching… I had no confidence in myself close up; I noticed the behavior was insecure needy hovering compulsive obsessive. And I noticed; IM CONTROLLING! IM CONTROLLING.
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2. When the women was in proximity; close up; talking; sitting down; I could not control myself; I could not stop being controlling or insecure and needy hovering. SELF CONSCIOUS. I had no confidence… Nothing; up close… I couldn’t relax and be myself. No experience; no confidence.
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3. I thought I could be confident around women; but that is not the truth; I was not confident around women. Not up close; it was just the opposite… and I was stunned by this a bit; my ego….
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4. I could not solve this problem at that moment; Ill need help and re adjustment and training somewhere else..
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5. I noticed that the inner me; My inner child was present; I was present; I felt fine! I was OK. I mean; I didn’t feel any immediate danger or anything; Well; Not True; I did; simply by being close proximity to a person. So; being physically close to a person caused this; So I have to work on this.
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6. I felt like I could or wanted to express myself; express my feelings; let them out. And I was trying to but I got stopped. I stopped myself; DANGER; Wasnt sure if I was in danger; automatic.
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7. I was making the other person uncomfortable. As soon as she crossed into a line where she was 2 close or intimately direct; directly in front of me where I would be with a friend relaxed and just talking; My defenses went up or were already up. Maybe the problem was; I was actually allowing someone to get physically closer then normal and I wasnt used to it; I certainly didn’t have the confidence or the training for it.
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Ill have to be trained for this; its been a long time; A long time since Ive allowed a women or anyone to get psychically close to me.
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8. I noticed that my past was not present; I was present as is. I was not being triggered by the past. I was simply immature nervous confident… I noticed I was basically present and normal without the horrible pain of the past; or all the trauma from being destroyed. I felt half way normal and sitting standing on my own. I was present; I was OK. The the problem was not the past; the problem was dealing with someone in front of me; SO; I was getting hit with dissociative disorder and its affects; but also a lack of experience post dissociative disorder problems at severe levels; I mean; its strange; I still have dissociative disorder… But Im doing better…
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I WAS DOING BETTER;
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I noticed; I wasnt triggered by anything; I was holding my own. The problem was a lack of experience and immaturity and no confidence with a women up close like that… but I felt OK… I just needed more experience… I was well in over my head Just simply talking to someone up close like that; but it wasnt deep psychological scaring as the problem; I noticed for the first time; Id healed allot since the last time I allowed someone into my space… I have been working with God…
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SO; I just didn’t have the experience of opening up again to others and felt embarrassed and intimidated.
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So; its a confidence thing; but its also a defensive thing; a response; something I have to work on. It almost seems Ive spent the majority of my life responding in this way; responding to the PTSD within from sexual abuse and all the other problems…
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So; Im getting closer to the answer. I did not feel experienced enough to know how to respond; or deal with my own awkwardness around women… I felt bashful and shy… and have to learn to start over…
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I did attempt change or I would say; I was aware of what was going on; I couldn’t do much about it; but I also realized; I didn’t need therapy over it; I just needed to step back; take a deep breath and get some practice and experience talking to women again slowly or people in general up close until I felt secure in myself… and not so intimidated; and I believe that its behavioral now; I can hold my own enough with enough experience; experience bringing about confidence.
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things are happening…
With all this work Im doing; bowing down to God; working with God…
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My inner being is becoming super charged; My inner child inner being inner self… Its like my inner child is becoming super hero… Bat/man Super/man… Its from God; its all this response from God for everything I bow down to; God response and shows me how; he cares… and my inner child is growing and growing and growing! Its like a sun… A beam of light… A beam of light emanating from him.
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I woke up feeling the most delightful feeling of confidence. I feel this way when I attempt things in the real world; I can be at any standard I wont to be; I can become a Billionaire at this point. And theirs no stopping me…
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This is the relationship my inner being has with Jesus! Universe; God; Holy spiritus; His army of Angels… I can them the Blue Angels… This is my Justice league… My inner child's…
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I felt so good when I awoke… Its as if within a 2 hour period of sleeping; I gained 7 years of recovery… I connected deeply with the universe… and become one with the universe… a constant light stream… From God to me… From me to myself back to God… from inner being to God.. From God to me. From me to inner being… From both inner being and God and Holy One; and the Holy son of God; and it was given to my inner child… inner being… My inner being is getting really connected with the forces of outer-space…
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Anyway.
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However; I have to earn everything with God; and I think the most earning is when God sees me bow down to God at Gods shrine and completely helplessness in reverence for God and never moving; I just stay there and wait and do nothing… I wait upon God in faith and don’t move… and that God sees; and gives me rewards for being a good hound… A good boy; I good Dawg!@ For God is my master and I am his for ever trusted and faithful filled Doggy dawg ( in a pleasant sense)( positively speaking)… I take orders only from him; from God… I bow down to God with full trust that I can Plead my case and be heard; and learn to trust in him…
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I have allot of stuff to work on…
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I do feel better; but I must do allot more to become ready for what I want; what Im asking for; asking for. I will continue to bow down to God and work with God and wait. And if nothing ever comes; It matters not; I have God… and thats all that matters anyway…. And thats what God is waiting for; that kind of attitude… God will get me the things I want. But I have to go through God to get them; I must bow down and learn my lessons.
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Ill keep working on all of this stuff.
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WHAT IM WORKING ON NOW…. Im working on my goals… or learning to give them away to God and have God work on them; while I quietly bow down to God…
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1. RELATIONSHIPS; the idea of meeting women again and have Girlfriends and after awhile a WIFE… Thats is what Im working on… Ive not really started yet; but I have; Im just preparing to start. And it seems God fills me up and keeps me at a higher standard level of feeling good about myself…
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This is a major under taking.. I have lots of PTSD in the way maturity problems in the way trust issues and a host of other problems stemming from being violated by others when young.
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I cant describe this major undertaking. Ill have to become a totally different person… Ill have to be rebuilt with flowing over developed but earned confidences in many different areas.
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Ill have to get over my mother… and all association events associated with her…
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I believe God can do all of this for me.
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PROBLEM; My identity as a child is formed mostly by people who threw me away… A whole world didn’t want me and threw me away… And Ill have to get over all of that.
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NOTE: Im finding Im more stable then I thought I was ( maybe);
It feels like Ive gotten over allot of this; being thrown away… However; Im still jarred at a deep deep level… I don’t know. Im able to hand some things close up when before I could not… Just saying.
So; we will see…
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IM AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS PART OF MY OVER ALL LIFE JOURNEY…
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God is preparing me…
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Im very smashed up and deeply traumatized… ripped up; like being attacked by sharks; ripped to pieces…
However; its still my goal to have a life and get a wife. Others got in the way of this process when young and I want that universal-right; I want it restored.
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And under God; Restored it will
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Im still tender; ripped to pieces.. it will be interesting to see what God can do for me.
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NOTE; Seniority is of the day; How bad do I want it; how bad am I willing to show; In earnestness…
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God has been steadily and constantly helping me; working on me; working with me; developing and protecting and encouraging my inner child and me. I could not help but be encouraged after seeing the countless God miracles God has done for me and my inner self and my soul and spirit… God has created giant miracles over n over n over; surrounding my life protecting me. I continue to receive from God and continue to get closer to believing more n more in a life that appears from God but was not there before… God continues to manifest my needs after I ask for them…
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One of the reasons Im working on relationships at this point is because God already supplied answers to several other goals Ive been working on; Desires from the depths of my heart I had no answers for; goals that baffled me; required answers I had no sure-footing to understand.
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God continues to bring answers when ever I desire something…
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My relationship with God continues to get stronger…
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Lately Ive been aware of inner changes within my soul and personality; Im noticing strengthening and confidence and sure footed-ness. Ive noticed a vast part of me suddenly or in a very short manner of time become present and fused together with reality.
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God is manifesting My new self into reality. I think this is a general good description of things… Its uncomfortable and strange. Its also miraculous.
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ITS PRIVATE;’ My inner development is not anyone elses business or to be trampled and judged by others; nor is my self or self worth.
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As I get stronger and more of my inner goals are established; Im feeling a find of independence from the 12 step recovery meetings… I don’t need them as much because my goals are getting answered…
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NOTE; Concerning certain goals; such as Wife, House, Money, Car. I am very over board; drowning on that subject. I feel wiped out; I feel over thrown over taken; out of control; like a got rolled over by a giant tsunami and wiped out. Thats what it feels like suggesting money or functioning in society or marriage or cars or houses.
The difference today; I plan to continue to work through my imagination until I believe Ill not only get all of these things; but that I am worth it; worthwhile human being.
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NOTE: I HAVE TO BELIEVE: I HAVE TO BELIEVE FIRST: AND THATS MY WORK: MY RESPONSIBILITY WORKING WITH GOD AND SUPPORT ON THIS>
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WIFE/RELATIONSHIP; I want this back; it was stolen from me; the ability for me to function in this area of self expression and I want myself back…
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Im slowly slowly; ever so slowly working on it; like; one micro second at a time; but; I am working on or trying.
Ive got blank walls and gap-ways to trudge under and over to go beyond these fields of misery loss ptsd disappointment misery fatigue discouragement.
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Im still overwhelmed and at the beginning start of this…
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The goal concerning relationships;
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1. Have consistent relationship; the ability to pursue them reason with the outcome or reality of such things. If they work out; fine; if they don’t fine; But they will not be associated with my Mother and Fathers history strewn within my beginning life.
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Im frightened and overwhelmed with being hurt or taken advantage of or ran over and destroyed..
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However; all tho Im dissociative in these areas; I do feel a new confidence and strength in these areas…
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IM NOT THEIR YET;
If I keep working with God; hopefully I know what will happen; Ill become more independence in the present and go after what I want.. I wont stop to ask what PTSD is getting in the way of this future.
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My future wont be tied to the past.
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Im actually not strong enough for this yet. But I may be strong enough for an introduction on those things I can strengthen myself with; What ever is it; what ever is needed; Im willing now to work with God on these things to over overcoming the strangle hold that past has on my concerning My Mother Father; sexual abusers. Some mothers and fathers of fake friends.; and false grandparents… No real grand parents to be found.
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I was rooked out of all things.. on all sides…
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So; for me to trust anything ever again; Gods got to do allot of things; but hes got to help me get through the past where I was destroyed…
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The massive undertaking preparedness for this has to do with God; Bowing down to God on all fronts and just starting there… Thats the best way to look at this; Im going into this blindly on my knees and after worshiping and pleading with God and being helpless in front of God asking for Gods help; and waiting patiently on my face with my arms out hand palm up; Ill wait and see what God says about it; does about it; How im moved or not; No expectations.
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No Expectations; this is possible if I bow down long before God; bowing down over n over n over n over n over lower then God all the time…
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I don’t know what God will bring me; its either Asian soulmates or blond Quaker girls; What does all of this mean; I don’t know. But until I learn to talk to some of these women; it isnt going to mean anything.
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NOTE; I don’t think the Asian women and Quaker girls that showed up before; I knew they came from God but they were just sign posts; they were indicators that God was present and listening and working with me; The universe was responding to me. these were just random strangers going by; I just happened to see the significance of it all… I was brought to a place to understand The Universe is working with me…
OK; so now; knowing this; what comes next; now what; what is my next step Universe.
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Ill keep working on things until I show up for the party. And that is the problem; but God universe Jesus Holy spirit is answering these things; The Universe is helping me out just as I had pleaded for the help with this… Helplessly; Amen… Help God help God Help God Help God Help God; Amen.
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NOTE: Im scared to Love bomb the wrong people. Im afraid it will work and suddenly now; Ive attracted the wrong people into my inner space; they have no values or no conscious. Now Im stuck with a criminal minded people; or sociopaths around me. I don’t want this anymore; its a mistake to attract these kinds of people; Its better to get out of there…
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NOTE: I have to work with God on all this stuff; and listen to God about all of this stuff…
NOTE: Im scared to Love Bomb the right people; I will find out Im not accepted by them and I will be rejected or dejected… and that means the fear of not being accepted by the people I want or want to be around.
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But I will stay out of it… I mean; God brings these people. And I will go to God to learn how to interact with them. I will go to God for everything… And wait on God for God to put things together… and just wait..
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NOTE; God showing me how to stay the course and try to stay present so I can interact with them and not bashfully drop out or SHY out or intimidation out… because I feel overly intimidated and not good enough or way out of my league… where I have no confidence.
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I don’t know; I don’t lose out on anything because Ive Got God and I work through the endlessness of God; so my power source is always with me….
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Money is an issue….
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Car…..
Assessment of relationship issues..
I have control problems; I have control problems; obsessive insecurity; Im needy; really needy when talking to women… and So;
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Neediness control obsessive controlling; insecure. Im able to see this now; because Ive worked through so much of the past… Not all of it; I still have a whole other segment to work on under Gods care.
Im really seriously taking inventory of myself; My side of the street; thats what Im learning how to man up about; grow up about; maturity. Im letting go of what I think others were suppose to do for me or how I thought they were suppose to help me; instead; concentrate on myself.
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SO; Im seeing my creepy behavior; but the good news is; fix the creepy insecure behavior and come back to normal.
We will see. Im so protective and have been hurt;
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So; I am able to start conversations and stuff; and talk with women; so; that's all good; or talk to people in general… So; right now its about this creepy protective behavior I have that keeps me superior and in control; but its really insecurity; and I have to work on it.
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OK; So; Ill work on this; interactions stuff; amen…
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Ya; so this social stuff.
I had to dissociate my parents and others who abused me and Im using that automatically to anyone that gets to close to me.
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SOME OTHER GOALS OF INTEREST
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1. Drumming
2. Money
3. House or living in a house
4. Care
5. Reading music; memorizing music so I can perform… Doing these things in a timely manner.
My idea or from the universe is;
A. create the music on paper; and memorize it; that means playing the piece on piano; a piece of sheet music with notes. Well; Im finding this takes along time; or maybe I don’t know what Im talking about because ive never really done it; Ive never really taken a piece of sheet music and memorized it or enough to play it live successfully. And that is what Im working on right now.
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If it takes me 3 months to memorize a piece of music; and I cant write anything new under those rules; Ill only create 4 new pierces of music a year; regardless of their quality. I would certainly like to create more then that; but I cant perform them.
Im asking God for help on this; what to do and staying out of the final answer; Ill just keep praying and bowing down to God and wait and see what God comes up with; amen.
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The original goal was; I write a piece; I play that piece live; meaning I write it out with notation; I work on it practice it memorize it for live performance. My issue with this is. If I do this; it will take me months to memorize. And that means I cant write anything new under those rules; but if those are the rules of the universe; what do I do or what can I do.
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Ive come up with a few ideas; but they are not ran through God. So instead; I want to align with God concerning this. So I will align with God first and talk to God about this. Amen.
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