July 2025
June 2025
New blog;
Things are not perfect; people are still stalking and bothering me; even where I live… and in meetings…
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However; on the good side… .
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First; Ive gotten better….
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My maturity level has changed; The level has been earned through work and God… So; work with alignment and communication and direction from God… So; maturity I believe has risen.
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Where am I in maturity. Well; I have this strange feeling of independence; its a place learned; its a place with a more mature aspect of life ( earned); I want something under God; I turn to God to learn how to earn it; and thats how I get things; I go to God. And that is how I get things; and I expect to learn how to earn things with God; earn what I want because that is how I do things; Ive been trained; trained to pray and work with God for pathways to the items in this life I desire… Its just kind of what Ive been doing for awhile. Im still a beginner at it; However; its becoming a normal acceptable way for things to show up…
Heres the point; Ive worked on the past; However; Ive work extensively on the present. So; Ive gained some experience as a new person in the present; And the past; well; its disappeared ( Im living more in the present)( Ive worked on allot of the past; its not worth the wasted time anymore)( my parents, sexual abuse, loss of family members; these are important but Ive worked on those as well). The past has disappeared; or is disappearing; Has it; well; it has; Their is not much left of it; and My mind has already started being present for specific areas of the past; but its not me living in the past; Its me re living actual moments I remember; that are important to my present identity; in fact; I was not looking back for the purpose of rumination; I was literally remembering who I was at specific times of higher frequency ( God gave me permission to look back for this; it was from GOd); and that is good; not because I have to live in the past; God has given me permission to remember some past experience because they represent who I want to be in the future and its great or cool that I can see myself as I always wanted to be and realize I was like that once. Im not reminiscing on that; Im actually feeling the opportunity of that person; that period)( God has grabbed a hold of me and is taking care of me and growing me up)right now; Im feeling the good higher level frequency feelings and thus; then remembering a re- enforcing experience when a child where I was independent and I choose to walk away and go home alone… And Im beginning to feel that kind of independence again; and it was a right way to see myself of independence and value.
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MATURITY;
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So; Where am I at in maturity right now; if I take an evaluation; I would say; I have this new solid feeling; its a feeling like a guy that just came back from world war 1. Hes probably a guy in his early 20’s but who has been in the military and war; He comes back home; He will probably get a job and get a girlfriend or wife and so on so forth… But he may be beyond mother Father… Meaning; hes not doing what people 18 and under do. Hes got no past; and ready for a job for his young adult future; but its because of adultness. He gets a job and meets a girl( women). And he moves on through his adult life… Not really living in the past… Hes grown up in a way that he is not spoiled… Im like this kind of from working with God… Ive worked with God for a long time and God has a hold of me and is bringing me up properly. However; I go to many many 12 step groups for support…
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SO; thats kind of what Im like. Ive worked with God how to get my needs met with God and Gods work ethic and principles. It moved from my past into my present with new dependence on recovery meetings and God… And the ability to authentically meet new friends and Im learning to sustain them and work with them and with the situation; and Im learning to hold on to those relationships; Im hacking through them and staying it or making it as if my inner soul is present. Im staying present… And looking forward to getting further… its happening.
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I have this kind of independent state of acceptance of say what a young man coming back from the war would have. He may not need or want to go home; He might want to just go work; Go to work and meet a good women he wants a future with… Its a state of maturity and not being spoiled. This happening because of a hardened life I was destroyed by; and God resurrecting me back into life; I would need a new Mother/Father and I would need to be brought up; and redeveloped; and God has done all of that; taken over the reigns and brought me up as his son… God and his group have been my mother and father my mentor teacher and guide… and Gods Angels have been my protectors and my guide…
SO; who am I Now;
Im trying to describe a kind of person; someone that doesn’t seem to think anyone owes him anything. Hes not spoiled. But its more then that; its a kind of man freedom; As I said; some young men who come back from war; they might have that kind of thing… Some men do who are not spoiled; they just never thought of it; they don’t expect anything… they expect to earn everything and they learn how to do such things and smile at the same time… not feeling anyone owes them anything.
And when I work with God; God takes the place of spoiled. Lots of work goes into working with God… and working on those pathways…. I have to convince God I believe before anything happens; Thus; I have to ask God for help to learn how to believe… How to tell myself and train myself to believe first. And thats where allot of work goes into.
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And now; after years of working spiritually and working with God; Ive kind of turned into this person whos philosophy is; Im working with God; no one owes me or has to owe me… Im kind of not spoiled… ( I still want things; I still want to be taken care of and loved; but I go to God for how these desires can happen; How can I create them; How can I earn them through GOd)And Im starting to appreciate it and depend on God; and much like a soldier from war;
Im great; Im doing great; no one owes me. I have a God… I work with God for everything; no one owes me. And so much spiritual work involved… Lots of it; laborious. Lots of labor here.
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NOTE: And all of this makes a kind of independent person with a kind of tough constitution.
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And thus; working with God; it means; Ill ask for “ The ability to earn it”. Ill have to work with God on how to EARN things; its a work ethic kind of thing; and Ill have to work with God on how to work with God. And Ill have to ask God for a work ethic and how to apply it. … And I have and Im working slowly slowly slowly on it.
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NOTE: Its all slow labor… Im learning for the first time; this kind of life style to get what I want; Im working under God and Gods rules.
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My background is of a person disabled; my personality was gone and identity gone; No functioning anymore… Legally; SO Im coming from the deep; back up to society again; and Thus; I needed to have purpose to do so. I mean; I was led by God to those who are successful and good at setting Goals working with God; For me that would be; Laws of Attraction coaches and the fundamental books like “ Think and grow Rich” Napoleon Hill. However; because I must depend on learning to survive to get what I want; I take it seriously; I become a real serious student of this information; and serious studying others with variations of this type of information.
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What am I trying to say; A part of me has grown and accepted this way of hardened independent life; Its like a guy outside his parents house and has grown up a bit and doesn’t go back to his parents house; hes not spoiled; hes moved on… or worked his way on… and has his own job and girlfriend… Its that kind of feel… its a kind of adult growing up state… and Ive gotten their… I mean; Im very close… Kinda of. Im still a mental teenager in all of this; in the growing stage… Im also a child in the growing stage in all of this. Im a 9 year old who decided not to kill himself but to go with the invitation from God and learn from God slowly; as God slowly teaches me how to function again and how to participate and care again and believe again slowly; and slowly believe as the child in me makes his way to God away from those of the past. And that hopelessness is what God is helping me work on; so I actually believe again; Well; Ive done this and come through the gap the vortex; and now experiencing the beginning of the rewards of being this new trained person… This new person.
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Im a new person in a new life; The reality is; ( Not a problem); I wont be able to get away with being spoiled; what ever I want; I must work with God on it; and earn my way with God… as I communicate with God…
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And for this to happen is like looking at the difference between 2 different life styles…
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Its kind of like; coming back to a new life created by me and God; I choose to come back and to do it under Gods care; and I end up earning the whole experience; earning it under God… with God; with Gods help. What does that mean; it means I learn to work with God; get on my knees to God and go through God first; The Horse before the cart…. So; Not spoiled working with God. What ever I get from God is because I asked for what I wanted and waited and worked on it. And things have happened and Ive changed… Ive grown up; grown up as if I had been brought up in a totally different family system with a completely different background… Thats important because the original background I came from; I had fake friends that set me up; they were never my friends; they were lying to me and using me; and could care less bout me… Nothing. This is important because I was never accepted by those people but never knew it. Also; they were never my friends and if I had known they were not going to help me or care bout me as a person; I would have never gone near them for any reason… Sickening… Sickening world.
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If I had been brought up differently where I couldn’t run off to someone elses houses and some how things could have been different; I would have had to have grown up responsibility to survive and learn how to survive; life would have been more austere but I would have expected nothing; I would have turned to God and worked with God as I am now. And God would have slowly showed me how develop and grow up independently from the original life people I grew up with; for they were pure evil.
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Here I am now in a new life; and this life is slowly building back to a being a beginning person in society. Part of me is back in society as if I came from God and not the beginning family system nightmare I came from. I literally have pre grown up again under a whole other system as if I never came from any original system… Im now starting to really see the new affects of this with the new thoughts that go with these un spoiled and safer life frequencies… Altho Im not spoiled ( Im learning how to survive with God and God has me earning things; going after things; getting involved in things; or believing things and asking God for them but I have to believe) Im much much much safer then the life n death horror of my childhood where I was thrown away and always had been thrown away but never knew it in the beginning. I was fooled.
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So; how do I feel;
Im getting their. I feel different then I used to… I feel like I can do allot more right now in the present. Im slowly coming back to the present because I feel God is taking an interest in me and is taking care of me… And God is my Father that is teaching how to work for things…. Its very hard for me and Im disabled in it; but God is working with me anyway slowly but thoroughly. Im under Gods care; Im under Gos sovereign state.
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God is with me!
God is with me
God is with me!
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I don’t need to go back to someone from the past because I do not need to. I can go forward with success based goal setting and using God/Universe as the director… But I have to work… I have to work at it… and God slowly allows me to work more n more at things; slowly re learning from my disabilities.
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Music creation; Happening; slow but happening; discipline is horribly difficult; low maturity at working at things; but I have a philosophy; A work ethic philosophy From Gods writings… God brought it to me…
I ask for many things and later these things come to me…
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I HAVE A PURPOSE? Hurrah… !!!!
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I actually do; I have a purpose directly given or implanted within me from God… I woke up one morning and it was slamming through my soul and mind and body and direction; I havent had anything like that since I was very young. God brought it back to me completely; the universe implanted it into my soul. Now; every morning; the moment I get up; Im studying and watching Art History… This is one area of many ive been interested in but now I have a Purpose in this! I have a purpose because Gods miracles brought it to me. A pure miracle and something I was asking for a long time ago and not so long ago; suddenly its in me… planted in me and it will not be leaving…
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This is not something I use to avoid something with; its an actual authentic purpose; the kind one builds a life on… or a direction or future. When one has a purpose; they hit the world; meaning go out into it….
My purpose in this direction allows me to get up day or night; study Art History for the purpose of being interested in Art and creating Art; it puts me in the Art world…
When I get up; its full effort; no problem heading to the computer and studying Art History… Art is something Im in love with… always have been.
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Its possible to have many purposes but non actually developed enough for self actualization. Meaning; I have allot of interests but God has not turned them into actual Purposes; the kind my soul would stop everything and go study the moment I get up in the morning; something I would do before I do anything else… the force in me is pure love for these things… for this purpose. A pure luv of interest!
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Anyway; this is Gods doing and its worth maga gold! Its incredible. Can it happen for something else. I don’t know; its all miracles; all of it; and Ive got plenty of these miracles; but they keep getting stronger and bigger as time goes on; God continues to answer these questions of life interest over n over n over n over n over…
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With these wonderful things happening to me; How could I not be getting better; and its all from God… All of it… God is helping me in real time; and because of this; suddenly I want to see what God can do for me financially; However; what ever I want; Id have to believe; and thus; that is what Ill work on.
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A belief is something I tell myself over n over n over… and at some point; Ill start to believe it… and their it is; that is my work… Learning to believe…
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I have allot of goals so; Ill leave and start writing stories about them as if Im living in them and already their and talking or speaking from a standpoint from within them as Ive already earned them or own them; ill do this until I believe I already have them and when that happens God will bring them to me.
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I tell God; Give it to me any way I can get it.
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I have to be hungry and desperate for what I want. I have to be obsessive for what I want; and God can do this for me; show me how I can turn into this state; Napoleon Hill says the same thing in his book; Think and grow rich!
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Im getting there… Slowly coming back to my own life where I learn to do the work to earn it this gives me the confidence to go into any direction I want to…
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NOTE: I was a broken person with no life and no hope; So; non of this has come easy; God has had to take years and years to allow me to just be sit next to God and do not much else for I could not do anything more… So; all of this is a bloody miracle. Truly it is…
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FEAR: is a problem… In a sense Im asking God to send me back into life; a place I was already slaughtered. So; its not easy going back in to it again…
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