July 2025
June 2025
Instalment or Installment. Seems Google is not sure! I; I cant spell. Unfortunately was never able to be safe or in any other mode then throwaway or completely left alone or neglected and then bullied and or later childhood; age 9; destroyed. Any other years around the school system; there was absolutely no learning; nothing.
It was as if I never went to school ever.
When I was in college; I was full of PTSD and could not function; pure rage and pain; and no real preparation for college or anything. I was horribly insecure with AVPD and Agoraphobia and clinical depression and I'm sure dissociative disorder.
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However, when I went to college non of the Doctors in the colleges or Universities I attended new anything about PTSD; The Vietnam Vets had only started receiving help and understanding a few years before I did.
I was diagnosed with PTSD at 2 colleges; but no one knew what to do with me accept put me depression medication; it was truly horrible. No help., No one understood.
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I was dead inside and dying inside and completely numb. No one loved me and all family systems had betrayed me and thrown me away when young; I went from family to family to family member; no one loved me nor wanted me; Nothing anywhere; a completely true nightmare of horror.
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I could not function; I certainly could not work anywhere with people; impossible. Not having any protective boundaries as a later child; I was destroyed over n over n over. I was more fit for war then to be around the general public. My life was truly destroyed. And not one person cared who I was; if I had been born. Nothing.
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All I could try to do was go to school; I had absolutely no interest. I just wanted relief. But no one cared and no one had any answers for me.
I did not care about anything; I was completely dead inside. Every dream and goal of my life destroyed when young. All of them. No future.
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I would aimlessly go to college for a specific amount of time; Nothing but horrible lonely pain. No purpose no direction nothing. All was destroyed in me. I did this many times and I drop out and try to hide some where for awhile. Someone's basement.
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Finally after a year of being in a basement I ran to the nut house; They diagnosed me with PTSD and sent me to the Doctors for pills; Triavil was the name of the medication at the time.
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The nut house was very important to me because it stated that I had had enough; I ran to get help. From there things would get worse; much worse.
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After coming and going from different schools or years; I finished a Degree in Humanities/Marketing. I combined all the things I thought I liked to do into one Degree. I was so agoraphobic and lost; I mean; I was schizophrenic like. Zombie like. I scared people at school; college I mean. I was a complete lost human being.
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From there things will get worse; much worse and I will continue to take a nose dive. I came back again to the small town I had grown up in for a few years before I was moved. Thats all I knew how to do. I did not understand what had happened; it was as if I had never been born and belonged to know one; no one claimed me or acted like a family; nothing.
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By coming back I went through much worse things; hitting the bottom on many things. I started drinking because I gave up and did not care anymore. I worked nights at a store; who cared. I finally became a recluse. one night I could not control the PTSD and tried to kill myself. I ended up in the ER; they put in on the 4th floor for a week with the other crazies. They had mentioned that they thought me intelligent; I mean the orderlies. They had said it and written it. I found that a bit strange coming from strangers but OKE; great!
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After being in the nut house; I got out with a plan; What A Joke! I ended up meeting someone; and they got me into the recovery process and I've been here ever since.
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In the recovery process I hit my worst years of mental illness; I become extremely ill from Dissociative disorder. I stopped drinking though. I was getting hooked on it and did not care what happened to me. But; I stopped. Or got help in the rooms of recovery. And the drinking just kind of faded away with many other things after awhile. And I learned about drunks and alcohol addiction and so fourth; I was very much a potential of a life as a drunk if things had not stopped. But they did stop.
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I tried to work a few times but forget it; after 3 years in one place and 3 years in another or I became homeless for a year; totally mentally ill; tried to work again for a year; but that was it; my nervous system was a goner. I could not function anymore. I never functioned in the first place; was lifeless and dead inside with no memories of anything and no goals. It was as if I had never had interest in the arts; Its as if I was a nowhere young man.
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Finally they put on SSI. And the beginning of the strange years of recessing into a vegetable anti social small child state began; not that I was an adult before this. I was not; I was completely dissociated from reality and any seeable identity.
I did the counseling rounds for years. Got diagnosed with everything associated with trauma by the shrinks; most of it.
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In 2008 I found a private therapist who did a better job then the state people. I was diagnosed with Full Dissociative disorder and CPTSD. I all ready had AVPD and Agoraphobia and clinical psychotic Depression. However, that healed! I don't have it anymore not for years now.
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Long term severe PTSD is very dangerous; I could not control suicide every day; I just could hardly control it until I began to loose the battle. But Clinical depression Is up next to it; What horrors I went through on down times of suicidal depression episodes; My GOD!
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Fully Dissociative disorder; if it gets bad enough; Its like being schizophrenic; Its so literally close; I had many people think I was schizophrenic and some therapists.. I did not hear voices outside of me. I talked to them in my head as if I was in reality and did not know the difference. At one point The therapists I worked with had to check if the comments I made about meeting new people; they had to check and see if these were actually real people or people made up in my head. And usually I would find that they did not exist; but I did not know that. And there is an element of hallucinations with Dissociative disorder; they can suck big time; its not major. Its more minor level but unfortunately constant and real; it all sucks. Anyway; and lots more stuff and symptoms and things. With 6 different personalities; I finally integrated and I remember all of it; it was maddening and wild! It was also a horrible nightmare. However, I remember when I started to remember things.
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And then signs of my original self began to show... And I started to remember the vacations I took when I was a kid. Its all tuff stuff going through this. 2012 things began to change.
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Here I am now. And I'm starting to show signs of growing and interest in some things again. I'm starting to walk outside and although I can feel the fear and agoraphobia I seem to be confident because I can feel again and I'm much more present now. I'm starting to become a human being again and one that at some point hopefully can be productive according to my inner beings desires and alignment with the universe and self.
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I'm still mentally ill; However, I'm personally getting better for many reasons because I've had goals and worked at things for a long time. I've probably been to over 30 thousand 12 step meetings. Everyone of those therapy for me secretly. 3-4 times a day. I'm still doing it; However, today I'm talking about my Purpose and how I'm working with the universe on such things and I will check in and describe positive events that are happening and why they have come to be. I give back what God did for me the day before and thus; I'm given more and able to move on down my path at a further state.
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Where am I today; Today I'm interested in much meditation work on Money and success; on manifestation skills on positive thinking and any three minute basic online guided meditations I can get my hands on because today I work on creative projects of some sort with a limited time period; I like to stop every few minutes and listen to a short meditation and then continue with my creative endeavors.
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I went back outside again today; I walked down to the housing authority and paid my rent. Took me about 45 minutes both ways; I was in shock; I was present and I felt a little solid and OKE. OK considering what I used to be like a complete train wreck that had to find trees to hide behind if I had to walk to the store and back. I mean; I'm getting better; I was in shock today because I'm showing real signs of getting better on all fronts.
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Its a bit scary because I'm so prone to mental breakdowns. The outside world; its 2 open no place to hide as I began to de compensate. ITs a very scary thing; I mean; I don't know what is going to happen; but I was OKE; and I thought; My God; I'm becoming independent. I mean; i don't even know if I need to live in this small town anymore; I'm not well enough mentally to leave; but at some point if this continues..... ????
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Today I'm struggling to work with my inner being through prayer and meditation; mainly concerning; becoming someone who loves money and values it and wants to go after it; as part of my inner dimensional identity; as something that is naturally part of me developing; but it takes allot of work.
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I'm attempting to understand what the universe wants me with specific interests. What to buy; what to work on; what direction to go. When I don't get a clear answer I go crazy. So; right now Im working on more meditation.
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My body is very compulsive and I'm attempting to have the universe teach my mind out to be impulsive in an aware state; when to see that opportunity or that thought that heads me down the path of least resistance; a thought that came from the universe and my inner being trying to help me go down the right path.
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I cannot make decisions on my own; impossible. i cannot work at regular anything. I have to hide. I can express myself through some forms of the arts for relief and therapeutic meanderings. However, I'm not in such a helpless state anymore; I'm doing better; but not toward some kind of consistent work; not with long term PTSD. I mean. If I could create something or make a deal and make lots of money from it; Fine. But not some closed in counter where I'm dealing with people up front all day; I would not last 30 minutes; I would be ripped into the ground. However, The universe knows what I can do to gain money for things and so does my inner being. So; I must have a money mind; a money consciousness. And I'm working on that and working on learning how to listen to my inner being so i know what to do next.
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I'm in the beginnings of these things; working with the universe at such practical levels in the real world; As I have mentioned before I'm in the PURPOSE Area or sphere; I'm now the co creator of my life with God. I'm attempting to create my future. I have no experience at this; co creating with God universe.
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So; Im bumbling around and I get mad and.........
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I assume Ill be at this for a few years before things pan out.
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