June 2025
May 2025
I want my independence back. I want the love and acceptance of those that love me and want to take care of me and I mean something to them if I'm not there. I need or must have this belief; so I can believe again in society; believe there's some worth out here; Something.
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I would like to make plans or goals and stick to them and learn this " Wouldn't it be nice" And Believe.
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I want that freedom that wealth gives a person. Money! I Want
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The question; what can I do; what is the problem and what is the answer to it.
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One area is to meditate until I believe that the universe is bringing it to me.
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I want to attract. Until I demand I attract from the universe; to have enough confidence to believe.
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And thats what Im working on; confidence; thats what all of this is about; to believe.
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con·fi·dence
the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
"we had every confidence in the staff"
the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
"it is not possible to say with confidence how much of the increase in sea levels is due to melting glaciers"
a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
"she's brimming with confidence"
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I want to believe again. I want to set goals and go after them or go after them with God and believe.
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I stopped believing anything could happen for me on all fronts. The first thing that has to go is not believing; that Belief of not believing was a reaction and a truth when young to survive. Now I want to replace my parents with God; and realize God is not my original earth parents.
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I still have the privileged belief that I don't need to go beyond my own parents; but I must and that scares me so much; its the feeling of being on the edge of the cliff.
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Taking a train trip.
Started studying a bit more on trains today and making some phone calls... and Ill keep it up.
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blurted out to a friend tonight; if he had time; time to go on a train trip; It was a good move; I was rewarded because he had information I never found on the internet. And I think he will go. It will be just one day trip and I don't have a car but he does. Anyway; I think he will do it. I imagine it will be in at least a month. So; that also was reaching out on my part. And Ill keep it up; keep reaching out...
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Purpose;
One main goal is to understand that it seems my worth is involved with with I do.
As soon as I touch anything I get flooded with thoughts that " is this all I've ever done with my life"; "Is this what I was suppose to do with my life". I mean; I get buried in self loathing and hatred; Suddenly the world of competition and " Who drives the better car" " who's got the nicer house" Kind of thing suddenly comes up. I don't have a prayer competing with these other people in society.
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Anyway. So; these thoughts don't hit when I'm rebelling against society; its when I turn and join society; suddenly in this caste system of capitalism; Don't get me wrong; Capitalism is the greatest thing next to God; Its so very important to wealthy and rich and have money. O so important to have money consciousness. However, defects occurs when in a system like this; and that of those who have lots and do not value me. And I've been through that; its horrible and shocking; they think they are superior and only associate with superior friends who are friends based on economics; matters not who I am; my worth; no value to those types of people. I tried rebelling against all of it; I did; I went silent and my mind went away from reality. Now I would like to bring it back.
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I love or like the idea of creating music and art; and making plastic model kits but I just never feel safe letting go to do anything; survival mode. I never come out of it; so; i would like to train my mind to learn to feel safe and come out of it anyway and at least do the things I like to do.
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I was so very important for me to be important; do important things; so what I do has allot to do with my worth to the whole world. But if I do nothing; I cant be judged. Also if I appear like a bum I will always be mis judged and I can say; " Told you so; look how the world judges me; they judge me on my appearance and how I don't cater to anyone". But in a strange way I do...
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Anyway; The goal is to participate in my hobbies. It horrifies me. I'm scared to death to put out time on something that I'm not getting paid and its going nowhere and it doesn't fulfil the original job or career or life's main purpose I always wanted filled so I could fit in the world and feel like I'm part of something.
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So; meditation helps with this because it teaches me how to let thoughts go by and if I started wondering; my thinking I can bring it back to an inner point of focus; like on my breathing; what does this mean to me. I means when my focus gets caught up and over whelmed with the negative I can re focus on who I am and my worth and let all that horrible negative horror thought of when young; the abuse; let it pass by and not take over my sanity.. Not listen to it; fight back and hold my decent identity.
I just want to be myself regardless of what I'm doing and follow my inner being regardless of how it looks to the world.
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I'm in survival mode trying to find ways to move out of it or beyond it; I'm getting somewhere; its slow going. However, I can see progress on a slow steady basis.
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These are
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And the other goal is to practice writing up goals outside my apartment for purpose; creating some purpose where I live outside. Creating small goals to accomplish outside during the day; simple thing. For example; to start with; things like. I'm going to see three birds perched in a tree together. Or; I'm going to get one ice cream cone today. Or; Ill skip a rock in a pond; and that will be one of my purposes. Create purpose to bring purpose into my life; kind of thing.
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More attacks from the enemy. I've got to learn when going into the house of the devil; They are not my friends nor do they respect the things of God; its all show. None of them can be trusted. I've got to watch myself. They are superficial and much worse. And for some reason I forgot. I am kind of innocent; real innocent and I forgot. They will violate me if they can get close to me; they don't care; so thus; what am I seeking there attention for; I've been through this before. I should write a 4th step on this; Look for my role in this. When I start feeling cozy; I relax around my enemy; who is my enemy; those who hate me as I am for no other reason; they despise me and hold contempt against me. They spit on me from the deepest recesses of there soul. They laugh at me and scorn. They have no respect for anything; they consider themselves above the law. What's interesting is that I did not protect myself this time. I fell right into there trap. I didn't know I would be trapped but they've been sending me a message for years that I was not of value to them; I was someone they thought they could use. They were never anyone to get involved with in the first place; I thought I knew this; I thought God had told me this. They would seek my death if they could; I have no value to them. In a war; they would be on the other side..
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So; to rap this segment up; Purpose; First; Purpose would not be found just going to big cities and walking around; at least not alone. Purpose will and can start; the finding of it; and the creating of it; right outside my door; getting up and going outside and creating it where I'm at. Thus; The seeking of purpose is about the exercise looking for or creating or finding purpose; However, its about the constant flow of it slowly showing up in real time and in front of me now. ITs about doing things right now; having the power to pursue it right now in real time; and that's where it hurts; to do things right now. So; I started with the idea of doing it in some other city at some other time and slowly God brings it back into my realm in the present. So; healing of dissociation is part of this deal; Gods using this concept of purpose to also heal me. However, God is also helping me understand the importance of needing purpose. Anyway; this is just a start. I'm in survival mode looking for ways to still stay safe yet be able to perform or express myself in the present at what moves me.
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So; What would I like to do; I would like to create music and art and work with plastic model kits in the here and now; to express myself in these areas as if I'm in control of my life in the here n now. I'm scared to do so because I continually get sabotaged; I feel like the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. And I think I have to learn to do it anyway and not get bothered if something happens. Just do what I'm suppose to do and move my thinking to another part of my mind and start over; I've got to fight a bit to do these things and learn to believe again. I'm trying not to want to leave the planet; instead; I'm kind of accepting that Mi here in society and want to do something while I'm here moving forward. I've got to learn to fight for what I want; not give it up. I've got to because I'm not going anywhere.
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I've got to understand I've been around allot of evil people; and they are 2 faced and will continue to be. This means; if I get close to them; they are more concerned of how they look to others; I mean nothing; they will attempt to put me in my place or walk over the top of me; for that is what gives them power and purpose in life. I must accept this; that they will do this continually; they are not my friends.
I've innocently walked into situations where I Was slaughtered over n over; ambushed because I let my guard down assuming because I'm a nice person they will accept me. However, the rule is; Nice people will accept me; Not nice ACTING people! They are acting; thus hiding things. Also those with no conscious do the same.
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So; the goal is to create purpose; The next goal is to learn to shift my thinking while creating art or music or plastic models; Ive got to learn to do these things and trust God at the same time. The problem is; Sexual abuse and the PTSD that goes with it; it triggers sexual abuse.
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