June 2025
May 2025
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I'm starting to see a bigger picture; I'm remembering my childhood. What is fascinating? What is majestic; Those people on the blogs I lived on; my neighborhood; A street to the North; its been blocked off from my mind. Bad people lived there. They thought they were better then me and better then everyone. I unfortunately spent time there and was destroyed there; I never understood; I was 2 young; I was being used; these were not my friends and they were not decent people; They were just the opposite.
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Now; as I look back at my childhood; that street is spiritually blocked off thus changing the dynamic of my childhood; honing it down a smaller section of safety; Its like recreating only the safe areas of my childhood. The north side has been blackened out; darkened out. My childhood is my house the streets next to us running to the east and the street in front and the street running to the west and the south side; the other street running to the north has been darkened out. What does this mean; its Gods way of saying evil presides on that other street; it is not safe for me to venture into; its a death trap. What's cool about it; Part of my childhood being erased; meaning the bad people and there house and there street; it means instead of giving in the universe; the lord God has put up a No Enter zone on that street; I know I can now feel fear and loathing and a contempt for that place; a place that has no light; it is all the darkness. It is not a part of my old/new childhood. I know see myself in my house in childhood without that influence down the street and I see Ill not be able to be so co dependent on those down that street. I'm also noticing that God never wanted me down that street when a kid. I was influenced or conned or groomed or charmed? the more sinister word for charmed; charmed by evil. Interesting that I'm still here to get to do this over and this time I get to be me and all that I was interested in as a child and I get to be myself but without that street or those on it.
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Also; women I may of fallen for and ended up being conned into evil; they are not allowed in my childhood; thus; they are not allowed in Gods realm with children; I'm the child so... Its that part of life time period. God is blocking them; fading them slowly; and allowing me to see there trickery against me and against God. However, I was not suppose to know them in the first place. Thus they; there physical area as I remember it; meaning the city or neighborhood or school or housing; all is disappearing because God does not want it part of his realm; it is evil; and no evil shall be in Gods realm.
So; God is starting me over again from a more streamed lined childhood and its all good and great and absolutely wonderful. Its not complete; its something to grow into; Still gaps occur.
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And something else; TRAINS:
Trains are a next step forward for the 10-11 year old that was pulled from his home; meaning me; when I was pulled from my way of life and my home. Im now interested in Trains; this is from God. And this is the next step forward for the child that was pulled from his home.
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What does this mean; the NExt Step?
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When I was young I was developing;' suddenly I'm destroyed and no more development. God has now taken me back into a new refined childhood where I feel I'm safe; and has been growing me again into a more healthy safer child at that time; or to feel as if I am. After stabilizing in that time period in my imagination; after working much on my development with God; My inner being has an interest in trains in the present. This is the next step forward for that child of the past.
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In my childhood; its now extended. Its as if I was cut off but the universe has now made me solid enough to stand my ground. I'm still alive; and now the universe is rebuilding the next segment of my childhood as if I had not been hurt. That new section that's been inserted within my childhood is trains and a different approach and interest to creating music.
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These 2 areas are the next step forward for that child; trains and music.
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And a third area; A wall exists between me and the outside world.
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This wall the exists is a dissociative wall.
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In the past I was beaten down to believe there was no point in going on. No one cared about me or loved me. Now I know they were all fools and pure evil. I have worked at and am learning that I claim its all there fault that I knew them; That is ridiculous. My part was showing up to some of them and participating with them openly; and I got slaughtered for it. They could not be trusted because they were pure evil; but I did not want to see that. I did not realize I could not just go up to anyone and be innocent and out going; I was manipulated; They lied.. They were not who they claimed to be? Well; they were not who I wanted them to be and at some point while I was using them for my needs; They pulled the hatch on me and I feel through the trap door just as they had planned. The other sad unfortunate reality is; They wanted me nor wanted me around nor wanted me up close to them in a physical sense; did not want me coming over to there houses or interacting with them or calling them or anything; I did; I did all those things but they never wanted. And finally from resentments; they finally snapped and made it clear I was not wanted by them and to stay away.
(In fact; they may have been telling me they didn't want me all along but I never listened. `Maybe I kind of knew that but I wanted to be around people and a new life and I needed places to escape.
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I used to drink at the end of the un recovered person period; before I got help. I couldn't leave the bar; all I could do was buy beer and take it home and hide in my room and hide in the corner and make a life out of drinking in my own little world in my room. I had no outside life.
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I used to say in recovery that if I had to go outside the bar into the real world I would fold up and hide next to a tree; hugging it out of terror because I had nothing in the real world.
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When I go to a city by train and I'm in the train station; its like hiding in the bar; I cant leave; I have no place to go outside; I can take the train back home; but I cant leave the train station because I have no designated area to go or purpose for it or thus; desire.
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Desire; What do I desire outside in the real world; beyond the train stations of life?
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God is pushing me right now to let those trauma walls from brainwashed abuse; to slowly let them down again into a new life. In a real sense; to let the walls down and find out what I desire to do in the big city after the train arrives; What am I suppose to do!
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I have a desire to know my desires... And this means safety to find out. Ill work with the universe through meditation and Ill start writing up stories of taking steps towards my goals in these cities and see what comes up.
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One goal might be. I write a composition when I'm in the city and I come back to the city and perform it playing piano. And I want to do this with all cities I visit through train rides; That kind of thing. Or the same could be said about creating art in the city and putting it up somewhere on a wall of some kind. What is my purpose for being in the city; what is my purpose period; Thats what I want to break through the dissociative walls and find out.
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So; the goals I have are;
MONEY
Losing weight; meaning a new way to eat; types of foods and amounts during the day. New attitude about all this.
Trains; Finding out my purpose beyond the train station; what do I desire to do in the city of the place I'm visiting in a sense like; creating something of importance while I'm in the city. Something? Ill talk to God about it.
Purpose.... Life purpose.!.
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Here is an example of what some might do while visiting in the city; and I'm all for it but it has nothing for me concerning desire or purpose.
10 Free Things to do in Every City
Go on a free walking tour. Most major cities will offer a free walking tour. ...
Explore the Markets. There’s no better way to soak up the atmosphere of a city than at the local market. ...
Visiting Free Museums and Galleries. ...
Hang out with the locals. ...
Carnivals, Festivals and Free Performances. ...
Stroll around a Park. ...
Libraries. ...
Churches and Cathedrals. ...
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If I had a reason to be in the city; a desire or fulfilling my purpose and then later walked around and checked out the sights; that would be the best solution.
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I just talked to a payee; she wonted to know if I could handle my money now; I said no! Not the rent part of it; I need all the bills paid by someone else because there's little money. And I keep my hands off it; I learned the hard way years ago. However, she things I'm becoming awake enough to handle my own money. That is a good sign and its also a sign of where I'm actually at in a sense in my recovery improving. However,
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I'm like the Payee situation. I'm learning to be responsible for my money. But at the lower end I'm still to freaked out to be trusted not to go postal and try to throw everything away and run.
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So; 2 sides and I'm smart enough to understand I have both. The rent gets paid if I have a payee; I cant guarantee if not. So; I need that extra help; and I will until the day I die.
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I'm still interested in learning how to attract more money for things I want Tho; and Ill continue to learn about the laws of attraction and meditation for that purpose.
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I'm not sure what direction my inner being will take me to show me how to attract a full package of things...
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So; I'm damaged goods. My Payee said it best; I'm alive. I'm still alive. and seriously; that's what counts.
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I dont know allot of things; Ive been in a room all my life in pain and sorrow for allot of it. Now; working with the universe things are changing; The more I work with the universe and God and success based materials and recovery process; more things open up for me. I am guided and I'm guided by God; by the universe, by the source energy of the universe; and my inner being. When I want love or more people to understand; Ill think and feel them into existence.
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and I dont feel worthy to do this; feel and think something into existence; not yet. Yet I am so interested at keeping at it and I do see results at times.
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At some point I wont be in Limbo land; Ill come out of it into the beginning stages of a new life. Not yet tho! Ive got walls to break down; Internal walls that keep me from knowing my purpose and taking action on things. Im still damaged extremely hurt person; weak from it. Disabled from it.
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So; I have my goals.
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Not everyone will understand or apricate all this stuff; many people I've met take it for granted. Im glad I dont. When I have to do the work for what I want; the tables are turned the opposite direction; suddenly things are harder and require more faith in God.
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