July 2025
June 2025
I'm in the beginning throws of creating a new life; Myself and God working together; That is the plan.
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I've been in this small town for awhile healing and getting better on the government Supplemental Security Income program for crazies. Its not like I've lived here; I came here for a reason; not a choice of places to live; The reason I came here is now getting fulfilled.
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Its technically starting; barely starting; but it has started. I still cant leave my room much; go outside to a new world; That is impossible right now; But things are changing in that direction and Ill explain later.
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If one looks around my room or small apartment on housing help; One will notice a change; things appear organized and rearranged; smarter thinking applied; meaning; I can even think beyond traumatic shock. and its been getting a make over a few times; That means I've gone to God and the universe had thoughts come into my mind of what to do next creatively in new ways. And that process has been appearing in my place of residence.
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For most of my time here in this apartment in this town; the apartments in this town; I was mentally ill. I was not even aware of anything. Later in my biking years; I still did not trust anything Nore feel I was apart of anywhere or anything.
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Now; recently I feel the epicenter of my being right here in this apartment right now. Thats a God thing; Because I needed to know where I start from in order to find a destination to travel to even if its just in my mind.
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In my mind; I saw myself travelling to a big city; so; I found a vid of a train station; someone walking around the station and the local area; First things that hit me. What am I going for. Well? The train experience; the new experience; the big city experience; But as I watched the video; I realized I needed a purpose. Am I going to travel around the country going to train stations; Is that what its all about; maybe? I mean; I can see myself going to the train station and embarking on a train and experiencing Amtrak life; thus; getting of at a famous ancient train station and experiencing that; Great. However; when we step outside; NOTHING; BLANK.
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I go into a state of insecure AVPD outside trauma; I look around and realize; the end of the train station; walking outside the train station is the end of the rid and the purpose and the experience.
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The problem is; I want a new story outside; outside the train station. Yes; I know about the restaurants and food eateries and fast food joints; I know about the parks and Parks and more Historic PARKS. I know about the Zoos; the city aquarium's and the museum's of every culture and purpose. And lets not for get crazy donut houses in places like down town Portland.
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I know about the Ferris wheel and Space Needles and boat rides. I know about On Off buses and underground hangout tours...
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The problem is; its just kind of like a big NOTHING. I mean; I can do those things in my head or watch a vids; Its no real interest to me; Maybe my purpose or happiness needs to be established before I go. So; Ill focus on enjoying the things I see in those big cities after leaving the train station.
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I notice when watching vids on this stuff; In the train station I want to know; learn and experience; because it has to do with trains.
However, when the camera sends outward outside; NOTHING; I go into panic nothing mode. I feel like I'm just in another drenched concrete jungle of disparity of panic. When the doors open outside I see nothingness and no purpose. I'm not interested in turning the town down city into a small town Carnival for 6 hours of Cotten candy and bright rides that flip me upside down until I want to puke. Enter one gate to the city and exist at the other and we'r done. That has no appeal to me.
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What do I want. I want a real reason to be in the city. The train experience unfolds many interesting concepts but what do I do once in the city. Why am I there.
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I've had a few thoughts. I could be a busker and play an instrument; I mean if I want to go through the city ordnance and all that and find out a place n time kind of thing; would that be a purpose or interest. I could draw or paint or something. I guess I'm on to something.
I want the city to be of interest just as the trains were.
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So; that is a journey of working with the universe and getting new ideas of why I'm going to the city; meaning; what do I do there that I I'm so very interested in.
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I could collect field sounds; sounds of the city and write compositions from it; and that's great but does that really do something for me; I mean; do I have a place to place those; to allow others to listen to those. Is this an area I'm really developed in and interested in; Not really; not yet; its still very private.
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It would be cool if I had a reason to go to a city; What would I be doing there. Some may want to go to the parks; that's there big thing. Maybe ride bikes; that's there bike thing. They cant wait to got to the city and go the museum's; they want to see all the museum's in the country...
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I think I'm making my point; I can go as fare as the train experience but sadly it ends there. Stepping out into the city just seems a frantic mess of noise and purposeless confusion. I see other walking around going from here and fro; seem to have purpose; a reason to be there... I dont.
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THe train ride is not enough. Its enough for the purpose of train riding. But to end up in a big city I also want a purpose for that. Why am I going to the big city.
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COFFE SHOP;
I did see a simple basic concept of COFFEE SHOP; going to a coffee shop and writing music in my laptop at the coffee shop; Yes; this is a purpose for a one timer or maybe twice a year or three times a year. Other then this... I have no development yet.
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Lets say I really get into my art again. And thus; I really really want to go to art museums of all kinds and check out art because I'm obsessed about Art; well; this is the kind of purpose I'm talking about; Ill go to Portland or Seattle or LA or Chicago and check out the art museum's.
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Maybe some people are into bubble gum factories and they cant wait to check out each candy warehouse at that specific destination the train takes them.
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I've read about people obsessed about roller coasters; they follow them all over the country; there trip is surrounding the final event of roller coaster.
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For some is Jazz music; they want to check out Jazz clubs when they take the train to the city. But what do I want to check out? Why am I there.
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Ill work with God on this. I really want this to open up thus finding purpose simple purpose in the big city train visit.
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I'm looking for something I can experience in every city. I'm just getting starter'd on it.
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I have the same problem in the small town I live in right now; same thing; I have no reason to go outside accept concerning recovery work; Its like a giant treatment center; that's all its been and it has no other value accept my childhood memories... But that is all part of the treatment and treatment center concept; once done or I'm better Ill be moving upward in thought and frequency and then what. I mean; if I had the money: id move to a big city where lots is going on.
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I'm being ran by my higher power and inner being. My new interest in music and trains is all inner being and this comes from prayer and meditation.
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I've been learning a secret concerning the laws of attraction; I've been getting answers when in the middle of taking action with things; answers come.
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I'm still traumatized and mentally ill from the same diagnosis.
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I'm slowly getting back to being the kid I once was; sort of; maybe; yes; but still; I mean; a gap is still present so I'm not there yet but showing signs; almost; that in between before place but at the similar frequency kind of thing'; maybe! .
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SO; How am I doing; Well; I was looking at a schedule of trains heading into Canada to a specific resort up in the mountains. I could see myself always wanting to go there or thinking my father would have taken me there when young. I was able to see the loneliness of all this; the horror and the insecurity of going up there alone not fitting in. However, that sort-a stopped. I began to see myself at a high frequency while there; Ill be what ever I want to be regardless of where I came from. And that strength is new; that is coming from the success material I've worked on.
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With allot of success based stuff on YouTube; well;' the small amount I've looked at relatively speaking; I get the impression many coaches are talking to people who have money and function. I have neither; so its been hard to manifest anything.
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I have to start out from scratch. Starting with only an idea of things. Starting out before someone has anything.
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I'm now working with the universe on what that might be...
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I can see building a plastic model in a hotel room
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Women; companionship; and this goes with the territory of traveling and creating a new life.
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I cant blame the women I liked. I liked them before I ever really knew them. Thus; that is an impossibility; I asked them out; they became my girlfriend and I assumed everything would work out. It did not; they were not nice people. None of them. So stunted and confused by this; I hardly knew better then to blame them for this; but that is not who is to blame. I am; Q. What kind of women am I going after? What am I looking for? I Better know this! DO NOT EVER SETTLE FOR LESS EVER IN THIS LIFE: NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER> Because I'm not actually setting for less; I'm settling for indifferent.
I'm the one asking the girl out. So; I asked out the wrong people. So; when am I going to ask out the right ones; And I will pray on this and meditate on this; because I counted myself out on asking out the right kind of people or the right people. Ill work with God on this. This is an area of pain. The people I've dealt with were horrible people. And that should send up a red flag but a part of me is used to dealing with horrible people; that's what I came from; a house full of monsters. And that is a problem.
I want to be with someone who understands me; where I've come from. Ill have to pray about it and try another approach to things concerning women When I'm ready; I've not felt manly enough because I neither had the personality strength or the money to sustain life and I really wondered who would bother with such a person. SO' I've got to find out; and its nice that I'm honest and the type of people I want to ask out are a specific kind of sense and sensitivity. I see my mothers sick influence all over this; putting me down when it comes to women; I can never get women; I'm not good enough for anyone; any of them.
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So; as I get better and try to deal with all that; what my mother did to me; and I think I will as I become more independent again; This time I evaluate who I am and who I'm looking for; the kind of women; sensitive intro vert intellectuals... that kind of thing; we will see.
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So; to round this up; I would say that I'm changing or have all ready changed. I see myself living in a bigger city if I had the cash for such things; I would not be living where I'm living. I would move on and experience many new things.
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I'm still damaged goods but showing the ability to become far reaching from where I used to be.
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My goal is to get back music and art with Gods help so I can get into it.
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I also need a purpose; Music and Art have no purpose; no destination and thus; its the old story again. So; I have to work with God on a higher purpose for this stuff so It all has meaning for me... I have to have purpose. I have to have a purpose; What am I doing this for. Where is the art going what do I want; do I want to be ambitious and famous. I dont know what I want. I just want a purpose.
I want to create art because of the purpose.
Nothing worse then creating Art but having no real Life purpose; I start blaming the art for my life failures and suddenly throw all the art out and never use it again; Im just starting out in this kind a new idea of a new life thing; What ever this is; pre everything unit the egg cracks and I start walking outside again.
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So; I need a purpose; It can be anything concerning art; something of values; the problem is; I just dont have it. Ill have to work with GOd on this kind of thing until I get strong in my purpose.
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