OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:15 pm

Fear:

Im hitting knew levels of readjustment of the condition... The readjustment is the resurgence back into society. What is society. . What does it mean.. What does it mean to go back into society.. what has been society. What will it become..

ITs so small. The steps.... I am different they I once was. I am two people. One is curious, The other pathologically suicidal. One part wants to connect. The other wants to fall into deep deep sleep for ever. Both sides meld into each other... And many other faces appear at once,

I get hit with anxiety, PTSD style. Not fun....

I don't feel safe showing up to anything on time. I feel like Im going to be raped if Im controlled in this way... And many more things I am afraid of.... Phobic things. Things I cannot control.

I am paranoid in the real world. Connection creates fireworks... I can take very little connection with the outside world.. I seize up... I dissociate. I am very lucky to be as far in the recovery process as I am...

Dealing with the shallow outside world is an art form....

I am not of the middle class. I am of the Psychiatric class.

I have been sick all of my life. I am now waking up again.... Some of me is waking up. I am still 2/3rd s sickness. I have a window open to the outside world... A window of opportunity.

I am sad/I am happy

I am curious

I am still disabled....

To be safe is to be alone... To be dead is to be alone.... To be alive is to live in a sanctuary...

Acceptance is the golden key.....

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 09, 2012 10:08 pm

BLogs are very important to me. They allow me to communicate and express how I feel on a daily basis. No one can jump in and shut me down... Its not about you. Its about me. I write for myself, not for the viewer. This is therapy away from the therapy office. Its about dumping stuff and getting on with the day... I deal with enough judgments from people during the day to make me sick. Im very defensive, Im not around friendly people. Im around judgmental people. So, having safe places to express myself is important...

I was reading someone else's blog and realized they were talking about something other then themselves. They were talking about an adventure. Or something that excited them... Something outside the mental illness frame work. Although they have mental illness, they never mentioned it. An adventure steeped in colors and mystery, that was the subject. This shocked me. As Ive always hoped that someday when my mental illness problems left, I would start concentrating on something else.. It never happened.
I still have the mental illness, I still concentrate on the mental illness.

I have no illusions, Im here at this site for one reason. To get better. Being on this site has helped a great deal. It has been confusing at times... It has helped...

I believe Im moving away from victimhood, Im moving into a "present space" Very slowly. Victimhood requires letting go of the past. Those I loved and the dreams I was hoping to fulfill with there help are gone. This is hard on my nervous system. I wanted something out of the deal. If I could not get love from all of this I wanted some kind of compensation from my past holocausts. However, the reality is I will gain nothing. I cannot drink nectar from ghosts,. I end up alone and confused. I end up seeing reality for what it is and starting point. This time I will wait and heal before I start something , or invest my life in world with no guarantees...

I have to remember to retreat and hide. Take a break and retreat and hide for awhile.. And stay away from hate people. Yet, So many of them...

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:19 am

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. I am not someone that others want to know. Ive had masked admirers for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic maret. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that cant be heard, "I", ringing out loud all day long. I am ringing to a baron land. A land of iced minds. A land of ice and snow... I am not cared about in this outside world. The hate-cold of this planet towards my spiritual and physical growth has lead to a thousand types of suicide in my younger days. Things are different now. I'm on my knees to God more and more , in his direction, not in the direction of the world. The world is of nothing. Nothing is in it... It is a baron lonely creepy place.

Don't quit. Don't quit when things get rough. Things get rough when I loose my identity. I loose identity. Controlling people are bad for me, I loose identity when I or go outside. Outside into they're world. When there are to many of them, I freeze. I dissociate. I cannot move. They hate me without a cause. They are better then me.. Just ask them.. They will tell you .....

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. No one is interested in me. Ive had admires for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic merit. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that no one hears. The outside bell falls to a different bell. A bell that is not like my bell. My bell is of an easier ancient hollow tone yet rich frequencies fall from its middle.

Church; Not easy. People hate me at this church.. I go, I get stronger. IT is working. I have not been chased out. It is my journey. Others may not understand that. It is not a time to run away. not yet.

music: I'm hitting PTSD problems and dissociating through the anxiety fields that hit like bomb shells. I can hardly sit down long enough to get started. However my mind is on a course of conquering this. So it is , so shall it be..

Women: With scripts this is possible. Like the music, I have to keep working at it. discipline is of the day..

PTSD: Ive been saturated for life. Ive been diagnosed 100% with it.. Ive been nuts from it. Ive learned to accept it the best that I can. My mind is altered, so has my way of life. I don't remember much of the last 40 years. Im like a child who started for the door, when he finally came to the door to open it and go play, it was 40 years later. This is one of several hundred symptoms.
PTSD causes massive problem with the concept of connection. As I get better, connection gets closer. Others call out for me to be connected to them. Its a natural thing to be connected.... The truth is good enough. Im finding I am of worth.. I talk freely as a person of worth, and I wont put up with others treating me less then a person of worth.. If you are not safe, you don't get in.. What you think of me is none of my business...

Anxiety: Getting better, communicating being a sick person dealing with a sick world is a complicated mess.. Im willing to try.. Inner personal communication is a hazardous thing..

Cambodia; This has hit me exceptionally hard. Im assuming the Cambodian holocaust represents so much about my personal life. Parallels exist between me and the Cambodian "them". Its such a sad thing what happened in Cambodia.. Im not sure why Cambodia is so important to me. I think its a God thing for me to study and grieve what happened, what happened to them, what happened to me. The Genocide seems strangely familiar to my personal survival story and experiences. The sadness and the losses. The lack of hope at any turn, every turn. I see the eyes of want in the old pictures of the torture rooms of Tuol Sleng. Those...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:46 pm

Everything is going well on this side of the world.. Im practicing in this life , hitting land-minds,getting up, going forward. Im seeing results and getting better. A work in progress. A hard work in progress.

The gaol is to connect; with self, with Gods plans for me, with women, with the general world, with the stars at night. with the music in my dreams...

one goal is to clean everything on a regular basis. Clothing and apartment.

keeping my high end mountain bike in good shape is work...

Ive been studying the Holocaust from cambodia. I saw the pictures from the Tuol Sleng Prison. Its enough to break me. I want to save the children or young teenagers. I cant. Its very frustrating. They are gone. They were clubbed to death 35 years ago.. In the pictures, the prisoners look so alive. Did this happen yesterday...

Ive been through my own personal holocaust, I relate with what I see in the pictures and the stories. The eyes and facial expressions and lack of hope. The need and crying out for someone to save them, Anyone.! yet no one will be showing up, Instead they must prepare for death. I know it all to well. It is all so sad.. And those in these pictures will not be coming back. They are in the killing fields. Im surprised as some of these prisoners look like the person next door. I relate to the fear and the loss of words, and having no way out, Ones back against the wall, Knowing it will be over... The horror and terror that it will be over for them.. No way out. No hope. And the prisoners in these pictures know this.. Fight as they will, believing they are in control, it is no good. All their human strategy and willingness will not save them, and this agony shows in there pictures. And this agony is my agony. I pray that God take care of them in heaven. That they receive the love they were never allowed down here on this crummy planet...

Till next time...

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:35 pm

Ive been practicing!

I face a beautiful women

Takers are vampireing me

Bank Teller;

Watch those eyes, they wonder. Im bringing on my own problems.

12 step group:

First encounter,
A women,. say hello. ( 3 second rule).. Don't think!

Into the meeting:

brought scripts with me.

CPTSD and Alters causing great anxiety. I survive and learn

Stop looking at people thinking I know what they are thinking. If I want a relationship, I will go up to them and talk to them.

Im noticing that Ive lost control of my eyes. They wonder. Getting that control back is important.

I share at the meeting. Im not sure if what Im saying is for attention and popularity.

Neediness and victimhood. Im learning to stay away from this.

A gentleman has spoken. I decided to walk up to him and talk to him. I survived.

I need to stop and think about how I will approach a person before I approach them. Dialectic behavior of awareness comes to mind.

1 year ago I could not let anyone near me at this level of personal awkwardness ..

The key is to keep working at it. Even if the locals have no idea Im working at or working through them.

Practice is the key. The goal of a war is to win. Everyone knows war causes casualties. I just have to tuff through it if Im going to learn anything...

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