OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jun 11, 2025 5:49 pm

Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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New Blog;
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Talked with my sponsor today. It was interesting; I shored up a few ideas from beginning to end; Mainly about Drumming and Women.
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Drumming;
First; Ive been writing about this a few times in my previous blogs…
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I have been re-birthed into the present age. I was regrown in the Garden of Eden. I am here now. Im still a Work-In-Progress. What does this mean. Im not all here! I have mental illness; I come from a moderate or maybe a bit of less moderate level of drug n alcohol addiction; certainly I abused substances to dissociate from reality. Im a Potential Alcoholic. I did my time; maybe a bit less then most; but I ended up experience the same Night terror as everyone else… As for Drugs;’ I was definitely on my way within a relatively short time in High school to becoming a Drug addict; However; Within that period I overdosed many times and had bad bad trips and was ending up in the Hospital. After to many trips on Hallucinogenics; I had Drug psychosis for three years; My brain was torn apart and extremely weak’nd.
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In Junior high-high school; Moving onward toward women and dating
I could not really function anymore with the mental illnesses coming on and the drug psychosis problem. I had been manipulated easily by young women I innocently fell for; thinking I had made a friend. I was literally torn to pieces by it. I did not want to be alive anymore. I had no one; I had already been thrown away by my parents… Now I was being used and played by the people my own age; I simply crumbled and gave up… This was not the world I thought I would be in when I started getting older…
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I had nothing and ...

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by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jun 09, 2025 11:07 pm

I am reliving again from age 12; Where I was cut off at age 9 when young; where I was destroyed from evil.. God has taken me from very very young before this; and rebuilt me again as a new person. And I wake up again at age 9,10,11…. I began to remember and wake up but I remember what happened to me; Im waking up from the grave; but Im in a new life as I wake up; I wake up with the memory of the past life; but Im in a new life; I remember what happened to me with no way out; But now; Go has me reliving these events; but this time I can escape because; altho Im at the same emotional age when bad things happened; Im not there anymore; Im in new world; And here I am now. And God has taught me escape routs from that time period and I use them and move forward. However; in reality I need support and I pray for it.
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Im like or at the level of the 12 year old who has somehow; with Gods help; escaped; Or Im safe but alone in a new world. I remember the old world; but Im not there anymore; Im here. So; God is recreating whole new scenarios for me to practice new ways of life taking the place of those old ones.
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I Cannot describe or explain; Im 12 and Im independent.. Now what? And Im living this dream; its not necessarily A light dream; its more like Night time; its more like Halloween.
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The point is; Im real but Im free… I get to do this life again; the basics again; again; to meet relationships; New friends under God; New women under God; meaning; a girlfriend. And new occupation or interests under God; Like drumming; but this time I start from scratch; No Grandma or grandmas money or basement to play drums in.
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Its similar if not authentic to when I was actually young at 12 years old after being thrown away. I feel alone as I did then; but Im free to work with God for solutions and non of those bad people are around anymore. However; today I have to learn how to have dreams n goals and get alone with people and learn how successful people work through a thing to accomplish a goal they cannot see or touch yet or afford.
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So; When I was young; an older child; I was basically without parents and on my own; I was alone. I was living with strangers who did not care about what happened to me; It was like a bad movie I could not get out of. I was out of luck. I was thrown away permanently.
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So; I wake up now within God; From Gods worlds… And Im here again to do this again. Being so very young in spirit and maturity; I am on my own; for my survival; the best thing for me is; friends; girlfriends, meaning romantic love; and the development of things I like to do… like drumming.
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When I was 12; it would mean starting in the work world somehow.
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So; here I am heading out into the world at 12 years old. Ill need stability; They will come from the outside world. I cannot get them from any inner world; such as family because no such place existed. No family exists for me right now; However; 12 step groups and sponsors do the job and God; for now!
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So; God is helping me write a better story of survival at that age… Im writing a similar story right now for my life that parallels that time period; and Im developing much of what I would have developed at that age; Drumming; and girlfriends.
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Its more then this; its new; I am reborn and new; This age has to be reworked. Or worked for the first time. Its not the first time; Its the first time its freedom; Im free this time; freedom; but freedom is not free. I still must answer the call for survival. And I can and I will and I am… Grandma is no longer around to foot the bill; But God is. And that is the transformation.
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This survival answered; Is the beginning of my new life; Im going out and getting the answers; Im going into the city and talking to people and trying new things.
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I would have to go out and find another family or create another fam...

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by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 07, 2025 8:48 pm

Im a 12 year old who does Art…
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This is newest identity. This is the most modern identity of myself as new person…
Im now checking levels and defining myself concerning a thorough investigation of self; Where Im at right now.
Im a new creation under God; I Am ( Emotionly Maturity) A 12 years old in development and a Daily Artist. My Art ability is solid through out the day. Its present as I am present so far; The new me concerning Art; No problems! This means I can apply myself to Art, day or night, everyday from now on. I don’t have the phobias or blocks associated with Art as I have before. Does this mean Ill not have problems in the future… I do not know; but I wont have walls and phobias blocking me as before….
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So;
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Ive developed and or put a name to the first Personality description of where Im at in my new life new person; Age 12; Artist.. Solidly of great value as a human being. And their it is… .
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So; I have to do the work to continue;
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The goals are
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W
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C
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For my new self;
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Wife; its starts with friends and then once that is developed; I toward girlfriends…. Meaning relationships romantically; This will be a while.
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Im starting to show signs of making friends with others the way Im suggesting before a make a girlfriend.
Im fairly solid at this time in this beginning of development for learning about friendships… Enough to call myself a solid beginner… I would say; Maybe more problems; but I would call myself a solid average beginner… Im doing Ok; Maybe well; concerning my goals; maybe not the standards of society would expect; but solidly beginning.
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Ill keep working at this… In some ways; some parts of this friendship; Ive hit the wall and must grow beyond the limits of myself. I am at that point… In this area of development for girlfriends; Im not there yet; But Im right there; but have a No-Mans land in between I have to go through first; once coming out of this No_mans Land; I hit the earth; the outskirts of society again concerning it… That will be in the long run; It will be a while. Once that happens; thats the beginning. Once back in society again; a continuation of friendship development under God; and from there at some point; The level of frequency of girlfriends begins to appear on the horizon; Meaning, I would be heading into an all new level; at the beginning. But Im not there yet; and that level may take a few years to develop and actually get to a point of meeting women of the requirement of girlfriends. And even this would not suggest that I am meeting anyone; it only suggests Im down Gods pathway to that level of the beginning of this plateau; this starting point of new Plateau. This plateau may take several years to develop; I don’t know. Im at the place of 12 year old in emotinal development; and that is authentic and well earned; who creates Art work.
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Now; I have to work with God to go beyond this…
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Its as if the philosophy is over with; Ive made it to age 12 authentically and what I identify with is; Art! And thats who I am and all I am. Thats all I am for now; IF You meet me; thats all you get; nothing more.
I am valuable and I value myself; Im a high valued person and this is who I am… My maturity development and my interest or calling or identifiable; My amurity earened is 12 years old. And Art…
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So.. Their I am. I know who I am…
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What Now.
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When I was young; actually at 12 years old and thrown away from my parents; living with others; unfortunately; monsters….
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I took off one day to the bike shop and asked them for a job; I didn’t know what else to do; I wiped down the bicycles. I didn’t know what eles to do; I had no father; nobody; Nothing. I was thrown away.
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So; I tried… But what is important; I went out into the real world… and tried something.
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And Im doing that now.
Ive had support to get to this point again; The 12 y...

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by **OMNICELL** on Sun Jun 01, 2025 1:34 am

The beginning of setting out into society…
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So; in addition to my goals in general;
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I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
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It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
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However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
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It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
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RELATIONSHIPS…
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Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
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However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
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History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
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Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
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However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
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And its began in the real world and a very real way….
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So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
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And Ill continue.
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Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
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As...

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by **OMNICELL** on Wed May 21, 2025 5:19 pm

I have many goals.
Now it is time to focus on Gods direction and teaching on how to take action toward each one of my goals.
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What does this mean..
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For example;
Im on disability with mental health problems; They are bad and have been much much worse. I am better; they still block me but Ive been around 1000 years; Im an old man now; not ancient; but its creeping upon me.
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So; No Money; Just a thought; that through study and understanding of how to Think and Grow rich; This thought or idea has turned into a desire; and now strengthened into a fortress within my head; a Jr Fortress; but a battle castle non-the-less… A very positive sought out desire.
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What does this mean; its becoming a major positive obsession to have a house… So; Dear God; where do I start first…
How do I take action; what do I do first…
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What is the difference between action and say spiritual actions…
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Real Action might be; The beginning processes of saving money for a house… The aligment of a way of making money as a beginner; at anything; all in aligment for that final desire of having a house. So; The idea of the House being under God; and The jOb that creates money being under the house… And Im under all of it praying to God on my knees.. under all of it.
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So; First; I can see; I have to get under everything; humble myself so I can be a dedicated servant to God in this situation. 100% submissive under God; Completely. God is my Master; I am the student under my Masters care… and I must play the role and be the role of student under God in all earnestness and innocence; completely acknolleging; Yes; God is everything; I am nothing. God has all the power in this specific situation; Ill need to ask permission and garner permission from God to go any further with my goals. For God is the gate keeper; with out Gods permission I may not enter this realm that holds possibilities.
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I have to bow down in all earnestness under God; the child in me has to bow down; and that is what Im working on.
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And “ Taking action would indicate” Go rake leaves; go help someone with their gardening or do something else; shovel snow in the winter… Do something; because; well; I have a goal. I want something; and it requires money… I want a house and Im building toward it… one dollar at a time; One penny at a time…
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OK; there ya go! That looks like taking action… Anything else.
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Spiritual action;
This would include; praying for what I want; meditation… Writing stories of what I want as if I already have it. Studying success based coaches on how to make money and succeed…
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Another angle of taking action;
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talk to House Realtor, find out real world prices… Study Realtor stuff online. Study house construction; buying land… What to look for to build a house; what about prefab houses on land…
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What about mobile homes on land… Manufactured homes…
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So; whats the problem with all of this; Well; I don’t think its just the price; not having the money; Theres something about setting down or settling for less. I have to trust God and get on my knees to appreciate the house God brings me; or allows me to be in. I have to pray for my home and the land it sits on as well and the area that home is apart of…
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This settling down business has this feeling of dying; Like Im saying; “ Life is over at this point”. So is all the fun; I have to settle down now until the end… something like that. IF I settle down now; I shows Im accepting defeat of ever being a super star in this life or a super star in some other life…
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However; Im smart enough to just get a house anyway and live my life… So; Ill try working toward that end… Ill work with God on this.
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I want success; I do… Im realizing its accepting the present and the future; And that means those of the past wont be coming back; non of it; nor the time period.
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Im really hung up on my past ti...

[ Continued ]

Meeting new people; accepting life as is...

learn how to survive like a seasoned soldier

Im a 12 year old who does Art…

The beginning of setting out into society…

Learning how to take action in my goal situations...

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