OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:35 pm

These blogs are interesting to write. The last one had allot of suicide stuff in it. I hope thats OK. Im not used to writing like that in public. Hmmm... I guess this is the place for it.

I do well when I feel secure. I do not do well when I don't feel secure. I am an artist type. Great for abstract thinking. Horrible for paying the bills and getting off the streets. Reality is way to much for me. I stop processing anything and freeze. I find reality despicable. A horrible place. I simply cant live in it. I cant live in it anymore then a person working on a fishing boat in Alaska that falls in the water can live. He will not live more then 5 minutes in that cold barring Sea. I cant live more then 5 minutes in a lost reality outside.

I feel secure when Im on the computer writing late at night. I don't feel secure eating something while looking out the window at a Safeway store in the middle of the day. Siting with a friend , we were eating something from a counter inside a Safeway store. I felt horrible. Like I had no walls around me. I felt like I was a looser and a bum. Of interest to know one. Like I had no status of any kind. We were looking out of the big window on to the parking lot. I felt like a nowhere man.
Inside my apartment I don't feel that way. It is safer in my apartment.
When Im at church Im who ever the people around me want me to be. Who ever they would like me to be. What ever box they want to put me in...

When Im outside I don't feel like Im worth much. Just a guy riding a bike like a 13 year old.
In my little world in my head Im someone. In my head. However, the outside world does not seem to notice me or want me. I suppose Im not the only person that goes through this. Its horrible. This is a mean mean place for me, this reality.. I am able to see the negative. Never the positive.

People at times want something from me. They don't want to be friends with me. Its all about performance. They don't seem to want a personal relationship with me.. I suppose its because I don't have money. Im assuming its that simple. The rest of me goes unnoticed.

The anxiety levels get high when Im outside. Theirs no walls to protect me. And I don't feel like I belong to anyone or anything. Nothing....

Theirs just so much dehumanization I can go through in my life. It seems , all life has been dehumanizing to me. I have lost all friend that I can remember. They were about performance. I had mental problems that no one cared about. Meaning I was not important enough to anyone to ask what was wrong. I was just thrown away....

I am not connected to the outside world or anyone in it. If Im out their to long I disassociate.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:21 pm

Im at home thinking about things. Thinking about what. Thinking about suicide. Thinking that it is the answer to all my problems. That is the answer to everyones problems. Just create a place that people can go to , to end it. Like a Suicide center. That would take care of all my fears that are in my head, and the hopelessness I see of the world condition.

Online Im reading about the economic problems. That was a mistake. That just fuels my beliefs that I should not last here. That theirs no reason to be here. I keep thinking that ending my life is the only dignified thing to do in an undignified world. It feels right, it feels normal. Its the only thing left that I can do if I have to be alone. And alone is the only place I feel safe. It feels natural to die. It seems like that is what the world wants me to do. Its always wanted me to die. ITs pushed for it.

I got up and went to a 12 step meeting early in the morning at 6:30. I have a really nice mountain bike. I cant afford a car. Im on SSI. I feel stupid. Im 49 years old and cant afford a car. How will that look to others. They will know, they will find out something is wrong, wrong with me.
In my head nothing seems wrong with me. Im right no matter what direction I take, including taking my life. IT all feels normal. It feels normal to die, to take my life. It feels normal and natural to me.

I go to a meeting place with people. When Im around these people, My thinking changes. My thinking starts to balance out a bit. Im not thinking about the negative stuff. Im concentrating on other people. I feel a warmth from the other people in the room that I was trying to create through my thinking when Im alone. I was trying to create emotional response from my thinking. Trying to feel something if I thought real hard. This does not work. It requires connection with people. With the world.

The world is a death trap. Just ask my alters. They know. ITs been a war zone of murder, rape and abandonment for me, for them. And now Im asked to go back. To wake up and go back to this place. I would rather float away for ever. At-least that is how I feels and seems when Im alone. i dissociate and float away for ever. Yet, I have to stay present. I have to or I will be alone for ever. And ever, wont last very long if my thinking is running everything.

Who's thinking do I listen to if Mine doesn't work right. Ive been told that my thinking doesn't work right. that the world is not how I see it in my head. That my defenses are creating my view of the world.

When Im around people Im very over sensitive, I want to feel safe. I don't have the boundaries to feel safe around people. They seem like monsters to me. Like giant spiders...

I have God. I am connected to God.

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I get such judgments from others.

I care and I don't care. No one asked me for the truth or how I feel or what is going on with my feelings. Nothing. No one wants the truth. They just side track the truth and tell me something else. When their feelings negative towards me they smile and act life their feeling are positive towards me. I end up getting confused because Im being lied to. I don't understand being lied to. Why are they lying to me. What is the gain to them. What is the gain to me. If they don't like me, Why are they trying to lead me into a direction. For what. What is the gain.... Why are they around me. Why am I around them.

Ive dealt with many many stupid people. Most of them Im afraid are arrogant in this life. Their buying into worshiping the system to get a pat on the back or to be something in this life. When I come along as I am. I am hated because I don't worship the system or the people in it. Im not interested in a system that forces 10 year old children to hang from the neck because no one was interested in them....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:16 pm

I wrote this last night

Seems that writing here at this forum is helping allot...

I was alone from the beginning. Their was never anyone to protect me or back me up. No one. Just a fantasy bond. So many times people took advantage of me. So many times. If their is a Hell. Their will be many people in it from this time period...The people that took advantage of me. I do see them as extremely sick.

I had a childhood that I felt safe in for a few years. From about 3 1/2 to 9 or 10. It didn't last all that long. And it was slowly decompensating every year, until by the age of 10 I had lost about 65% of my faith in anything and knew things were going to get worse . I hoped the good part of my childhood would last for ever. I was on a nice street in a small town with a grade school nearby. My best friend lived down the block. I had other friends as well. They lived all over the town.

I want to say that it feels really good to tell my story. To tell what it was like and what happened.

Back to story:

One of my alters is this person. This original self. Or the Host is an alter that the child is the original me. Im not sure. I think the child is the original me. It hasn't been that long that I was diagnosed with DID. A few years. And I have not been mentally stable enough to even look at it, or remember anything.. That is slowly changing.

I began to wake up and see a sharper image of this time zone.

One of the problems is loss: When I wake up the child. The child wants to run outside the house and go play in the leaves, go visit the next door neighbor. Or get on my bike in the backyard and go ride. Or go down to lances house.

The problem: This was 40 years ago. And I am trapped their. This child in me looks at me with helplessness wondering how to get out. The world never changes in his sphere. Its always me around 7 or 8 or 9 years old. I can never get out. The whole world ended for me at that age. I was no more in a sense. And a new personality had to take over. The old one was murdered and buried.

The me that is or was present after this child died, had his handful dealing with the thrust of the present traumas at the time. Their was no time to look at what happened to this original personality.

It is impossible for anyone to stay alive from what I went through. Im not happy about that. I was dealt a set of cards that no one should have been dealt with. I did nothing to anyone. I was thrown all the way in until I was insane. I wanted to grow up like every one else. Instead I was growing toward death. I did not grow at all. I was shell shocked and multiple. That was all. A head and heart full of alters And then Dissociative disorder so bad I was witnessed by others to believe I was Schizophrenic/Pathological. I always say that I was Schyzo in one form or another because of the severity of the situation. The severity of the condition. I ended up being able to function about as well as a Schizophrenic with no meds. So whats the difference. I wasn't home either. I could not tell the difference between what was in my head and what was reality.

Those involved haven't stopped causing trouble if Im around them. They still try to take advantage of me at every opportunity. Just the Criminal nature. I would get away from them, yet the child from my childhood still begets as if everything and everyone is safe when their not.

Opening up this child opens up the memories of happiness I had. Opening up this child opens up the monsters that destroyed this child . Its always a 2 edge sword. Many times this child woke up, only to go back to sleep when the surroundings outside of myself were not the same as when young. And the world was a much different place. A brutal grey business place with no forgiveness. The child in me, in shock, would go back to sleep. No one ever cared about me. Even enough to ask me what was wrong with me. Nothing.. The coffin seemed to be my only friend....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:45 am

I walked into the big grocery store yesterday and saw someone I know. He works in the meat department. I said hi to him. He turned and said hello. His eyes were wincing and he was in great amounts of pain. It was psychic pain. He begin to tell me how he was doing. The frown on his face, the stretched muscles around the lower face, the darting eyes of anger and confusion. He was in great pain, fear ,sorrow ,and panic. Everything was imbalanced in his life. He had no life. The people he loved had left him. His children were with him few to many times during the month. His child support was leaving him desolate. And his past wife was doing fine with a new prospective husband. He was in extreme uncontrollable sadness and pain. So many losses and no answers.

I have a friend I talk with everyday. he is trying to understand himself and the people around him. He has put faith into a fantasy bond about what people aught to look like and act like. If he hangs around these people, he will be popular. He will be loved. He will have arrived. Unfortunately the floor has collapse under his feet concerning his friends. They ended their friendship with him. He is in great pain and is trying to understand why his friends betrayed him.

So much for fantasy bonds. I believe in them when God is working with me , with the future ideas of " What will I be when I grow up"/ However, I feel that God has to be running the experiment. And I have to know its an experiment. Meaning, it can fail, its OK for it to fail, its OK if things don't work out. God will bring me more situations to be involved in.

I have learned the hard way not to make other people my higher power. It is to hard on a nice guy like me.
I would like the world to be different then what it is. And with Gods help, I can see things through his eyes and maybe end up believing that I can see things from what ever filter I choose. Just as long as I know its a filter, and that when the filter comes off, I turn to God.
Actually believing that other people are going to fix me , or save me, or be my parents again, or a ready made family is not realistic. Not for me. I have to go to God for all of these things first.

My Friend feels betrayed and in great pain. He feels less worth then others. He feels he has to make friends with those that appear on the outside better then others to be better himself.

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Its an inside job. comparing my insides with others outsides wont work. I still love to do this. And I get the pain for doing it. Im learning to ignore the outside of others: What they own, how they look, where they work. ITs hard tho. Their are times I want to be saved. I want to hang out with people that look like they got it going on. I feel like theirs security in it.. However, if they don't respect me. theirs no security in it. Nothing. In this situation I have realized finding a me through others sounds good, and if they play along and are really caring , maybe it can happen. However , I have found others are sick and wont play along, Therefore, I find nothing. Just lies and more pain. I have to be found by God so that he/she may do his work. That is possible when I ask, seek , and knock. Its possible when Im at the end... The end of everything..

I get scared about economic changes. That is something I have to pray about. That does freak me out. I make a list of all the growing things I need to pray about. That list is slowly growing.

I have to work my way into a new way of thinking. I have to concentrate on my own happiness and directions. That comes from a journey with God. It gets started when Ive had enough of this Cell Block called earth.

None of this is easy with Dissociative Disorder/agoraphobia, However, I do it anyway. And I keep doing it and keep going.

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:19 pm

For thirty year or more, more like 35, my mind has been gone.

A few years ago I began remembering things. I remembered very little before that.. My mind was protecting itself and had other things to deal for that 30 years. I was in a giant cloud of dissociation. I walked into the cloud has a teenager and never came out., now, its like waking up off a couch and all I can think about is right before I went into the cloud. I want to do the things I was thinking about before the cloud took me. Or before I started wondering in it.

and I slowly am coming out of the cloud now at 49. I don't know how I feel about it. Rage, loneliness, sadness. confusion. Fear. Happiness. exhilaration. I don't know. Im grateful to get some peace. Im wondering what happened to 2 thirds of my life. Who am I. Where am I. Who do I blame. I never wanted this. I never asked for it. Dissociative disorder saved my life.? It killed me numerous times. It is better now. Im still very confused all the time and wondering what happened to me. Its like being in a car wreck. Is just a start, most of my past is still gone. Ive barely seen some of the memories of my past life. or past lives. One thing is clear. Im all alone through most of it. Their are no people taking care of me. Just people attacking me or abandoning me. Blind siding me. They hate me, All of them in every direction...

Why did I come to this small town. I was forgotten 40 years before. Their was no one here anymore. Just my memories of childhood. Yet, childhood was 40 years ago. Its seemed like 5 minutes had past. It was 5 minutes ago. Their seems no recollection of time.

I had dreams as a kid. And remember going into a cloud and now this. Now Im here writing on this forum. I don't feel any loss of time because it was never me driving the boat. The DID stuff fits in here. I know all of that time is gone. I don't feel any of the loss of memory because that aspect was numbed out as well.. So the whole thing is confusing. Like waking up from surgery. surgery didn't bother me a bit. I wasn't awake. I know their was time loss. I went to sleep, I woke up in the recovery room and went home. Something happened in the time I wasn't present. It was the surgery. Its the same for the last 30 years of my life.

I didn't even remember who bought my cloths. Where did I eat. I know I had money at times, or lived somewhere at someones house. I know more now. At the time I was working on this problem with the therapist, I knew very little. I didn't even know how or why I came to the town I did. IT was my home town. Their was nothing left of my past. IT was like being at any small town. Most of the locals I grew up with wanted nothing to do with me when they heard I had problems. Or they thought I was lazy or strange. I don't know. I think most normies feel that way about people they don't understand.

My mind has been active dysfunctional inside itself. I have no outside. I was dragged along by another personality. A protecter personality. I should be dead.

Im outraged by what happened. Im glad Im not wondering in that park all day creating pictures of guillotines and writing about how to kill myself.. And those memories are 25 years old, and they seem like 15 minutes ago.. My brain is still not transferring information correctly. And it wont for a long time.

The original family system I came from wanted to destroy me. Kill me off. Get rid of me... I had no idea these people were of this nature. I didn't know. I thought they were normal people. The fantasy bond I created and reality were 150% in the opposite direction..

The family system I came from caused most of this. The rest is the community of Christian middle class that destroy everything they can get their hands on in-order to get that money. They destroy every relationship that they come in contact with to get that money.

My goal is to slowly wake up, deal with the...

[ Continued ]

Being outside

Dont be alone!.. People arnt safe! Now what ?

Childhood at Christmas

THings are not all bad just limiting

30 years

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