OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 03, 2025 7:04 am

The main goal is to get over FIRST LOVE…
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What does that mean; it means there is no more First Love; but Im still being controlled by it; by the memories…
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They have a hold of me. Im now working that I have a hold of them. I want to break through. That is what is important; breaking through… Thats what Im working on… Thats whats most important right now. Nothing else is important; just this.
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I drill through this by getting way below Gods shrine as I pray to God and imagine Im drilling through the earth under God with my hands… meaning to become humble so that God can bring me a new life.
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The point is; when Im humble and Im underneath or below God; I have a chance to look upward and take an interest in a real life; Not a bunch of rumination from the past. I can actually look forward to something real. Thats what counts…
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I know its all a lie; all of it in my head.
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Ive broken through many things with Gods help and Im going to break through this as well. It will be like a Water breaking through a dam… thats the goal; just have to keep at it until I come out on the other side.
It could be this persons memory is also associated with the time period of sexual abuse; they are both tied into each other. So breaking through one breaks into the other and that might be whats stopping my mind from going forward.. What ever it is I will be attempting to break through; Ill working at it all the time; This is the most important aspect I have; to break through this and come out on the other side to start over again.
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I just want my mind free of the lies. Its like Im drunk with resentments I don’t even want anymore. I don’t want them; they are making me sick; drunk and they are a place where I avoided to; like an addiction. I don’t want to avoid anymore. Im trying to set goals for my future… These things have no place in my future life… I want a new life.
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So; its like breaking through a wall. Ill keep at it moment after moment after moment. I dissociate and avoid. And Im going to beat this thing and break through; God will help me.
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Ive made allot of progress but I have to keep digging in until its all gone. I have not broken through anything.
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I broke through concerning occupational stuff; Music Art and Writing creating; it looks like; Im just now seeing some break through at deeper levels with writing. However; Ive been breaking through with it anyway. Guitar has been breaking through. Memorizing lyrics has been breaking through.
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Many areas have been breaking through.
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Now; Im on to relationship stuff; and that means breaking through to the other side. I don’t know how long this will take; but Im getting wholly tired of it. I don’t want my nervous system hanging on to anymore; Im getting mad about it… Im tired of it…
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I think I have to go back to 4-5 years old; 3 1/2 years old; ask God to help me break through.
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It may take 6 months; I don’t know… it will take what it takes to be free of this; I want my brain back; its mine; I want it back; its been living in a swamp from the past; living their; I want out; I want free of it; thats what Im working on.
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I have to continue to get up to speed with this until Im full force under God and breaking through… breaking relationship problems into the present. The fact Im a victim is true; but now Im being victimized by my nervous system protecting me. I don’t need to be protected anymore. And I want out.
So; Thats what I will be working on. This is wholly frustrating.

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 03, 2025 12:31 am

More on Bowing down to God
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First; Bowing down to God is number 1. Dig a bigger large area much lower then the shrine of God; and on my knees hands out; pray for help for what I want and desire and keep at it and at it and at it; over n over n over; and write stories about what I want. And keep at it… Keep at it and the world changes in front of me…. With my head down.
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I pray to God at a lower level then God…
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Writing; becoming a writer. What God is teaching me. Its just writing. Ill have to work to get a life; The life I want does not come because of an interest in story telling. I have to work with God to get a life As-is regardless of what Im doing.. So;
And\
This is not about writing; this is about working on writing. This is about learning how to work at something I want to work at. Its about working on things… its about work ethic toward my interests and thats what Im suppose to do( thats whats missing); work on what I like to do. I kind of got that scared out of me when young. So; Now Im learning with Gods help how to get my interests back; working in them; back in and work for what I want… I have to get back in and work for what I want…
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I have to get back in and work for what I want. All the avoidance and damage and pain; I want to address. And I am….
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Writing stories; learning how to write; is very interesting to me. Its important… However; its allot of hard labor and it can be tedious work to learn how to write… ( and I get nothing for it); its dry; its so very dry; its just letters being put together. And if I try to hand my identity hat All on this; Im afraid Ill be holy disappointed; hurt and let down; My life; I want to say I wont go anywhere being a writer; not go somewhere; I may learn; working on Writing did not give me the love I felt I needed and the security. However; But actually I changed my mind. I mean I still feel the same way; kind a; Writing wont get me anywhere. But I realize; that attitude is kind of a cop out; for me. Maybe not someone else at a position in their lives; but for me RIGHT NOW; Its a big big Cop out! I know better then this; I can have success if I want it; I just wont work for it… its all about that “ W” word…
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First; I will say putting all my worth into all of this; worth and Identity hat; into this; is Not what I want to do ( But it is what I want to do). I want to feel worthy( but not depend on writing for it). I want it coming from God and myself; and maybe family; A real family maybe; that I create; but not external dry hobbies and such. Im not suggesting hobbies are not good for me. I don’t want my self worth associated with how well I do something.
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I mean; I do want to put myself into what I love to work at for the only purpose of loving it; I want to have the guts to do so. That is exactly what Im working toward. Im working toward the ability to put all of me into something; Do it because I freely want to. However; This is trepidatious waters and I need God on my-side for protection. I need to feel loved before I set out to study writing. I don’t want writing to supply it; Ive been down this road before; I got destroyed depending on something that was undependable.
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I kind of said 2 important things; first; I want to learn how to stand up for myself and on my own 2 feet and not depend on something like Writing for my self worth and identity; However; what a treat to have something like Writing to help build my self worth and identity. I want an Identity regardless. I want my self worth and Identity attached first; already intact by working with God. I do not want to depend on Writing for my self worth ( story telling). I want instead; go toward God and work with God down independent pathways for self worth and identity; So; I have allot of work and allot more work to go down those pathways for identity and self worth. I have received a bit of it.
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by **OMNICELL** on Mon Feb 24, 2025 4:58 pm

Blogs;
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To paraphrase;
For awhile; accepting the new reality of being present in present reality; as Ive been accepting reality as it is in the present. Im slowly moving back into reality now as is…Back into society. Im moving more into reality in the present now; Its about an acceptance. Im getting acquainted. Im coming back to reality. Im coming back into reality; back into society.
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Many changes have happened; These are from God. God is preparing me for a new life into reality; a life based on God and my immersion within God; back into reality. God is my Mom and Dad. And God has been taking care of me and God landed me slowly into reality in the present ( that is what is going on now). And this is basically what I asked for. This is what God has been protecting me for…
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God is slowly helping me as I trek into reality. For Im only in reality; Im nowhere else. As for the past; the ( The past), is not required. Im fine in the present; Me and God! Im fine… In fact; Im becoming literally self actualized; My goals are on the future; My attention is on getting those goals.
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Most of my time is put forth onto my goals for the future; becoming what I dreamed about.
What does this look like? I have many areas of interest… mainly pertaining to occupational style things; For example; Callings and Purposes; All of this starts with Arts; Anything associated with creating stuff; Creating music, Art, and writing And videos that present this creating Music Art and Writing. Other areas include relationship building. So; I have many goals; Not millions but a choice several few… All talked with God… All between me and God.
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Here is a real example: For years;
I wanted to learn how to play guitar; for 2/3rds my life; I always wanted to learn how to play guitar; I tried a few times; and wouldn't go beyond a few chordal attempts. And finally after dreaming about it for long enough; I set forth to properly learn how to stick to a goal; and after several years; finally; I was committed enough and desperate enough to really attempt a try at playing and learning guitar; and finally after numerous months; change started to occur…
I simply grabbed the guitar over n over n over; picking it up and attempting certain chords or barre chords until finally after months of practice; guitar playing began to materialize. And then; 3 strait months of attempting the F Barre chord; and suddenly without warning; it happened; I could play it; No other feeling in this life is so grand then to know I maid it into the guitar world; I was able to play the F Barre chord; the door to the palace was opened; all I had to do; walk through the doors.
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Note; One of my dreams? To walk into a music store and try out the guitars; try them out because I could actually play a song or 2; I wasnt just a 2 chord wonder.

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My big goal in life; what truly causes excitement in the imagination, is to become an Intermediate guitarist. What does this mean?
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What kind of guitarist is this? This is a guitarist that can work in a band as a general guitarist; some lead playing and rhythm guitar. This is someone that can Lead-sing and play the guitar at the same time as rhythm guitarist…
This is a guitarist that can play scales; basic lead guitar playing; knows several songs complete including lyrics… And they can figure out most rock songs; the chord structures; that they can recreate them. In other words; They can play Rhythm guitar position in a real band; including any basic live set up for guitar… So; they can play with other musicians in a beginning band as basic guitar player;
That is my goal.
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And Im on my way slowly toward believing this will happen. It only happens with practice and effort; nothing else. Im always working with God; God is never far away; God is who I pray to all the time and God takes care of me; I am helpless and powerless and G...

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by **OMNICELL** on Fri Feb 21, 2025 11:17 pm

Personality Development;
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Work ethic; I got a work ethic concept from 12 step group preamble. This came from God; My interest and awareness of it; This came from God.
This was an intimate gift From my Higher Power; Just for me; a present. Thank you God!
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Purpose; Art History; To study Art History and how it applies to creating Art work; That is the purpose; and to create and put on someones wall or gallery. Art work creation is involved; A journey. So; their it is; One authentic Purpose absolutely brought by God: From God… Independent; came strait from God into me; BAM. Will never go away. Ill always be up in the morning looking at Art History the second I get up in the morning; and then How I can apply what Ive learned to Art creation and Art understanding; That is Purpose; the force pushing me forward; interest; is from God.
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And something new: a continuation from God…:
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Maintenance Man. My new Identity add on… This will and is now a new section to my map. Working with God; my map has been secretly opened up. Ive made it through a few bosses in this representative RPG Me; Now; GoD has presented grace upon thee; And I now have this next level of development in reality; Its called; Maintenance Man. God and I am turning me into Maintenance Man.
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What does this mean. Who will take care of the car; who takes care of focusing on the payments to keep cars together… Who changes the tires; who checks the engine light and the exhaust oxygen sensor and so on… Who checks the radiator water level… Who makes sure the Timing chains get or equivalent get replaced. Who keeps all of this up and who keeps it maintained at this solid level?; Maintenance man.
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Who fixed the leaks in the roof or the small plumbing problems; who fixes the fences. Who keeps the gardens weeds down; Who mows the lawn; who takes care of the lawn mower!
This is a guy with a good attitude about maintaining things… He wants to maintain at a high level; maintenance of everything's; his looks, his clothing, his living quarters, cleaning; keeping things clean, His talents, his car, the ability to follow through on everything like; music art writing creation; video creation; gaming; Hobbies; vacations, and the ability to create family, relationships, house, car , money and so on… “ Keeping this frequency journey; the pathway; the work invovled; keeping it at a high level; maintaining it”. And relationship with God, recovery, and keeping them maintained; keeping the journey for these things maintained; serviced; Working with God for the journey and being on that journey; the maintenance of such things; to maintain myself to start and finish the process for girlfriend; Getting this back in my life; Amen. And their it is.
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what if I want to go skiing and don’t have the money; don’t know where Im going to get it; what if I don’t know where any money is going to come from in the first place… it would come from God and work… but Im OK with it not coming from anything else… I have goals Im looking up to or forward 2; and Im more interested in what I want to do or will be doing and how; and what Im doing can create opportunity for something else; Like the money for skiing because I want a ski life.
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Notice my attitude about all of this; Under God and through God pathways and learning tools to learn how to believe I can get what I want and that working with God will work; after all of this; I focus on what I want and the frequency of what I want and want to maintain. I maintain it because I have a good attitude about the work ethic to maintain things; Im the Maintenance man. Im the guy who maintains everything; I put up the dry wall in the basement or redue the floor in the bathroom or the basic plumbing problems under the sink and so on.
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Painting pictures; creating songs and music comps and stories… Who keeps this work ethic going; ...

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by **OMNICELL** on Tue Feb 18, 2025 5:29 pm

Making a women a women friend… Women+Friend…
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I was never able to do this after being around my mother; or what ever that monster is… and that may really be the problem…
I saw 2 much from the beginning of my life in several women who were in control of families; they were pure unadulterated evil… All of them. I don’t want more if it around me….
I was a witness to this when I was a small child; very very small child infant; just able to remember at 3 ½ years old and onward… and through my childhood.
I was fooled not by my mother; that was never fooled.
Later Ill see it everywhere in the family systems I would attempt to be friends with or relatives… I cant speak for my aunt and uncles but they never really wanted anything to do with me; They lied… They wanted nothing to do with my Father; they did not feel safe with my father around. I was a child so it appeared they were nice to me; but it was fake; as soon as they got rid of him coming over to their homes; I was suddenly not their relative anymore; they didn’t want me; or want me to stop by. They never wanted anything to do with me; it was fake.
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The women I saw were dangerous and abusive or worse… Those were the only women I was around. I was ripped to pieces by these monsters; not just women; Men and women; all of them pure evil when I was young… I had no idea thats what they were. The only that kept me safe when young was my father; because they would not try to destroy something of his; he was a combat vet from WW2… He was in bad bad battles. They wouldnt touch me; but after I was thrown away at age 9; it didn’t matter anymore; my father never wanted me; they were just playing with little kids and then dumping them… No conscious; nothing.
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So; when I think of relationships; I have to do the work to learn how to go beyond that basic Gap; Its a Gap; This gap was started by being given away when young; child. This gap started by my father then failing me again… My mother setting me up after dumping me; I had to go somewhere; they didn’t care about me; I had to go back and live with my Grandmother; where sexual abuse; they were a bunch of pure evil sinister monsters… They created my mother. I had a best friend; he betrayed me; claimed it was all my fault and I deserved the abuse and basically that I had always been White trash in his families eyes. And this left me devastated and heart broken. And in literal shock. I never forced those people to have anything to do with me; Instead; their parents used me to baby their son and make sure he didn’t grow up alone; Several years later I could feel it; I could feel the rejection after he got a certain age and they had gotten what they wanted; suddenly I wasn't their friend anymore. They just used me; I had no idea…
From their Ill move around and be bullied and abused with no help. Ill end up against with my mother; Ill try to make friends; but Im faked out again… Im around people that don’t want me or care about what happens to me; they see Im vulnerable: And they will take advantage of it. They will allow me to think Im getting a friendship out of the deal; when nothing Is happening; They could care less; they don’t plan to ever see again anyway. And I just didn’t know… Im suckered again.
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By this time Im destroyed…
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So; After that, all dating stopped; everything stopped when I was a teenager…. I completely did not understand; I just wanted a girlfriend; A nice decent person… But it never happened; I was destroyed by these people.
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Finally Ill just drop out of everything; and being so mentally ill they have to put me on social security; no future…
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Now; things are changing; and working with God and 12 step groups; Im looking to develop back into relationships.
God is working with me and guiding me with the Galaxy Justice league; Father son Holy spiritus; Angels; Gods army. God is my Mother And Father! God is both roles bec...

[ Continued ]

The main goal is to get over FIRST LOVE

Bowing down to God 2

Bowing down to God

Maintenance Man

Making a women a women friend… Women+Friend…

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