More on Bowing down to God
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First; Bowing down to God is number 1. Dig a bigger large area much lower then the shrine of God; and on my knees hands out; pray for help for what I want and desire and keep at it and at it and at it; over n over n over; and write stories about what I want. And keep at it… Keep at it and the world changes in front of me…. With my head down.
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I pray to God at a lower level then God…
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Writing; becoming a writer. What God is teaching me. Its just writing. Ill have to work to get a life; The life I want does not come because of an interest in story telling. I have to work with God to get a life As-is regardless of what Im doing.. So;
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This is not about writing; this is about working on writing. This is about learning how to work at something I want to work at. Its about working on things… its about work ethic toward my interests and thats what Im suppose to do( thats whats missing); work on what I like to do. I kind of got that scared out of me when young. So; Now Im learning with Gods help how to get my interests back; working in them; back in and work for what I want… I have to get back in and work for what I want…
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I have to get back in and work for what I want. All the avoidance and damage and pain; I want to address. And I am….
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Writing stories; learning how to write; is very interesting to me. Its important… However; its allot of hard labor and it can be tedious work to learn how to write… ( and I get nothing for it); its dry; its so very dry; its just letters being put together. And if I try to hand my identity hat All on this; Im afraid Ill be holy disappointed; hurt and let down; My life; I want to say I wont go anywhere being a writer; not go somewhere; I may learn; working on Writing did not give me the love I felt I needed and the security. However; But actually I changed my mind. I mean I still feel the same way; kind a; Writing wont get me anywhere. But I realize; that attitude is kind of a cop out; for me. Maybe not someone else at a position in their lives; but for me RIGHT NOW; Its a big big Cop out! I know better then this; I can have success if I want it; I just wont work for it… its all about that “ W” word…
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First; I will say putting all my worth into all of this; worth and Identity hat; into this; is Not what I want to do ( But it is what I want to do). I want to feel worthy( but not depend on writing for it). I want it coming from God and myself; and maybe family; A real family maybe; that I create; but not external dry hobbies and such. Im not suggesting hobbies are not good for me. I don’t want my self worth associated with how well I do something.
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I mean; I do want to put myself into what I love to work at for the only purpose of loving it; I want to have the guts to do so. That is exactly what Im working toward. Im working toward the ability to put all of me into something; Do it because I freely want to. However; This is trepidatious waters and I need God on my-side for protection. I need to feel loved before I set out to study writing. I don’t want writing to supply it; Ive been down this road before; I got destroyed depending on something that was undependable.
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I kind of said 2 important things; first; I want to learn how to stand up for myself and on my own 2 feet and not depend on something like Writing for my self worth and identity; However; what a treat to have something like Writing to help build my self worth and identity. I want an Identity regardless. I want my self worth and Identity attached first; already intact by working with God. I do not want to depend on Writing for my self worth ( story telling). I want instead; go toward God and work with God down independent pathways for self worth and identity; So; I have allot of work and allot more work to go down those pathways for identity and self worth. I have received a bit of it.
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[ Continued ]