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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-82c27c65bd7364e9eac38e83b2cc1c82_start-10.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Aug 25, 2025 11:03 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Their has been nothing; Im OK... |
What Im mad about; . For all my life their has been no one; No social life; no best friends; no girlfriends ever; nothing! . Their has been nothing. . I never got a chance; This because of the horror life created by the house owners; where I lived; I was thrown out of the family I was in at age 9; it desolved as the house owners had planned… I was simply abandon. . Its a fluke Im coming back to some forms of reality now! I am; but its a fluke. I cant imagine many people doing this from my background. . Ive had 30 years of recovery work; I had to out of pure desperation; desperation led me on… . I can say with some accuracy; I had no First love; It was I that chose to interact with these strange people that never intended or were really interested in knowing me; they were never my type. I tried to push my way into others lives with performing; It worked for maybe a day or 2 then broke down. I never went any further; I never went any further. I never got any further; one reason; I was 2 afraid to ask out someone I actually found attractive; I froze up in front of them; I then later realized they really didn’t care about who I am; They replaced my efforts with someone else efforting just as fast. . I would not say they were ever really interested in me; and they never put out any effort toward me. I had to put out all the effort to show up around them; But thats actually as far as anything got; I didn’t have the confidence to do anything more. I could not ask them out; tell them I liked them or make a pass a them; I just kind of went inside my own shell. . In all reality; They never really wanted to be friends with me… I was barking up the wrong tree… I finally realized the futility of what I had gotten myself into; a dead end road; I simply sheepishly turned around and walked away… . So; their was no real First love; their was no Real Nothing! . God never told me to go in that direction… . NOTE: Im going to have to sit quietly with God and Ask God; “ What direction God was I suppose to go in?”. And Im going to have to stop and learn and wait for that answer and work with God on it and stay out of it; stay out of the answer and just sit with God… . . . FAKE BEST FRIEND: The kid I met at age 5; was not a friend of mine. I was 2 young to have a clue what was going on. No one made me go after or around this person. In fact; I ended up with other friends at school who lived on the other side of the block; the South side. I never needed this specific kid on the North side as my friend; Ive realized that for some years now; However; I was devastated when I found out him and his family had been using me the whole time. I was his families baby sister for him because I lived down the street.. Non of them wanted me in their home; they thought I was white trash. I remember the mentioning of this a few times when young; I just brushed it off; it was such an obscure idea; I simply didn’t take it seriously; later I will find out it was fully true the whole time. I simply never thought like this; that I was better then someone; Not like This! Not like these people setting up innocent people to use them. . It all makes sense to be now. . I have to work with God to find new answers… I will look back at these times and ask God; What do I do about these situations God… . I will ask God because; I had no business being in those situations with those strangers; that Fake best friend; or that girl… They had their own lives; I was dependent personality; and I was going over my bounds. None of those people wanted me. I might have saw myself as Great; but no one else did. I was forcing the situation with strangers who wanted nothing to do with me. And at this point; I really need to talk to God about all of this and Gods direction for me instead of this… . I would love to be free of all this and well; Just myself again; ... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Aug 25, 2025 3:06 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | I never developed outside of television |
I never developed outside of television. I just didn’t. I got thrown away and then was destroyed; and it was over before it ever happened. As I wake up now; its 1968… I want to be like the Beatles… Again…. So; I go from TV to the real world… But it never happened. . Thats what Im working on now. However; I see the horrible from the past but I think I can slowly work with God to break through it… |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Aug 24, 2025 10:21 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Im scared to get into a relationship |
Im talking to other people… . Ive noticed something; . Im scared to get into a relationship; up close with certain women… its to much for me; Im to scared. However; Ive noticed something… Im much closer . I mean; like a few feet from girls.. ( women I mean); I have to remember; this is 2025. In my time; we called them girls; adult women; They called us boys…. Adult men… . The point is; the gap is closing… Im closer to their frequency; the frequency; the level at which women reside for relationships; the level relationships reside… . However; an authentic gap resides… Its an untouched place since childhood. Its a place of a 7 year old. I never had a mother; so that space; I never entered it. Never… Im guessing or I assume; it was a place for my mother; something my mother would have allowed; intimacy of security and caring; affection; Something I never got… ever… . Ive never seen any modern women care; they certainly never cared about me getting this kind of care; so I just dropped away from them… No one cared about me so I dropped out or away…. . Now; the work Im doing is getting me closer… . However; although I can kind of see the first of the new plans; It doesn’t mean Ive experienced anything yet. I must take it all to God and allow God to take it further. And; I must imagine… Imagine Im close up in that gap between myself and a women; and interacting at that level gap. . I can see this gap as what to work on… .\ I can see working on this gap as focus; instead of focusing on a specific women of interest; its better just to take this part of things to God. And work on them. . I can see it; its me the small boy look upward to my mother; the connection that never occurred. And Ill work with God on this connection. . I can also see my mother betraying me and neglecting me abandoning me… And no one cares… I can see the sadness of it.. and fear… Never having a mother… . This closeness that never occurred; Ill pray about it to God for help with this; and write stories about being with women interacting within this gap… . Amen. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Aug 23, 2025 11:37 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Something is happening; a self actualization… |
Something is happening; a self actualization… My frequency is rising. Why? Well; its always God; but something else is happening. I like myself more or feel better about myself or something. Or my frequency is coming back to middle class level; but no where complete; but it is happening; I would say authentically its happening at the beginning. I can see it and especially feel it… Its real and authentic; Im at the base building level if that. I mean; its appeared… . . So… From there….. . The women and life Im interested in are at a higher level. I thought it was far in front of me; something far outward. But its not; In reality; its alignment with the universe; and this can be worked on with various techniques.. The frequency of what I want is up; upward; its at a higher platue… This is me climbing the apple tree to get to the higher grain apples at the top of the tree… . I attract the frequency of what Im looking for. . What was I doing before this; I was looking at the lower level content; those apples hanging ghostly; dangling on the edge of the lower branches of the apple tree; Well; They may have still looked like delicious apples; but they are unhealthy on the inside...especially for human beings. . Now; suddenly a quantum shift; but its a shift moving upward… suddenly Ive walked into a higher frequency of people places and things; its leading me back to middle class people; kind of… Something is happening. . Something wonderful is happening; a self actualization… Im moving upward closer to what Im looking for… Im getting closer… . I don’t know what it means but it feels so good… I have to just keep trusting God.. And see what happens. Amen. . . |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Aug 23, 2025 7:11 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | The next level experience |
Because I told the group I was at; Ive never had a girlfriend. At this point; I may not be commanded by God to do so again. This may be all I needed to do to satisfy Gods completion of my stay at the 12 step groups… The tactical goal God had created for me; Is complete; I can now move on….. I have nothing more to tell them…. The goal now is to slowly get away from the 12 step groups.. I simply silently walk away and allow God to replace this social with other social situations…. Other groups… I don’t know what they will be; but they will be back out in the real world… . That is the idea… Amen. . I pray for Gods will… . . Am I ready for this; well; Almost; I guess; enough… Why not… Im so close; close enough…. I still have gaps but their small relatively; I get what Ive earned; Ive earned to be up close to the next level of direction and new pathways from God…. . I say goodbye to the people in those meetings and move on to the next directions and experiences of new pathways that lead to new life somewhere else. . I was expected to tell this recent and present situation the truth; That I had never really ever had a girlfriend. Ive never had a girlfriend… I was in some kind of altered dementia. I was fooling myself on all fronts and all subjects. I had become dissociated from reality when very young and never came out of it. . . I have now graduated from these groups. I will not tell them… But God has completed me in those places. . God has shown signs it is time to move on. . . The key now is to prepare. Meditation and an honest look of what I really want; writing new stories about this; that is the goal…. . I will pray deeply to God concerning these things… Amen. . I have passed control by others to face; to break through…. . I will be in new situations and locations… Amen…. I believe…. But what is involved in the present is over… . God will move me on… . . . |
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