OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jul 12, 2012 7:42 am

I have a stress related condition. When its overboard, it turns into high end dissociative disorder. When symptoms are down it turns into a stress related disorder. All disabling for interaction with the outside world.

I will have to relearn how to deal with the outside world when interacting with it under this stress.

The stress glass is always full and over flowing. Its stays on 24 hours a moment. Im Ok, Im used to it until I get triggered. Triggered is being responsible for something outside myself. I can handle spontaneous moments of expression; if I feel safe. And I have to practice feeling safe, and I never feel completely safe.

Dealing with people, or , having relationships is the hardest thing for me. Or, I will say, starting relationship; very difficult.
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Women are attracted to me! Im at the point that I may take some of them out for coffee. ITs been a long long time.. So long that I have no idea how women are going to react to my personal life. I am scared to death to let anyone get involved with me.. I don't need the stress involved in dysfunctional. I do need and want the relationships. It is normal to have relationships with people. I live in an abnormal world and I forget this at times.

Im attempting to understand that I have no control over the outcome when letting others into my life. I can ask for what I want, that is as much control as I have. Once I ask, Im putting myself out into the vast oceans.
I have been treated very badly in my life by all these monkeys out here in LA LA land. Im beginning to wake up and understand they are all mindless monkeys and nothing more, if I expect anything more from them, that is my fault. Yet, I need relationships with people. Man was not meant to be alone. And " not alone" means; intimate relationships....

Most people Ive associated with in this life required outside performance status as a key to my worth. I could never live up to " status",. so I gave up... I felt it despicable that someone would except something from me with out first inquiring who I am and what Ive been through. I found the whole affair an affront to decency. This will not stop me. No one owes me anything, I have no control over anything. The faster I can understand this unfair approach to life, the better off I will sustain in reality.
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Music; a very important aspect for my mental health. I like to write songs, I don't always like to write them down.. I don't like the board'm associated with that aspect of song writing... Im scared to write them down and finish them.. I would be moving from amateur to something more. Something I want, something Im interested in; something Im scared to death of. Lots of blocks in this. Lots of anger and phobias. I will keep working towards it, I have an idea; what if I make a list of what it would look like in a positive way when finishing these songs and performing these songs.. What would that look like in a positive way.

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:30 pm

Am I a victim! Now what do I do...!

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:41 pm

Im finding myself in unsafe arenas with despicable people. People that want to destroy my good name to keep the power. Im used to 12 step meetings where there is no cross talking. sometimes, I forget that in the real world there are no rules. Others can and will barge in on me. They do it all the time. I get thrown out of situations out of disrespect. I seize up when around these people to these situations. They through innuendo's at me implying that Im a beggar, a loafer and no good. These are the people that drive teenagers to hang themselves. These are the types that drive an honest man to start civil war in his kingdom. All hate and passive aggressive.
A massive amount of prejudice comes my way. allot of implied hate. I have no where to back up to, no place to run to. The places I run to have these people. So the safe places God has brought me are unsafe because of the people that dwell in them. I have to turn to God, not myself≥ Im so tired of being sacrificed. I thought mexico city was the last of the heart eaters at mid night.

I have a hard lesson of surrender to learn. Others may look friendly at first, later I see they have contempt for people like myself. Its about power and status. Its always about innocence vs power greed and status. They call me a lier or imply that Im no good, that Im dishonest and the worst of people. Iv'e lied to no one. They seek influence. popularity. They will con anyone to have it or get it. I will get steamrolled if I don't watch it. These people are ruthless. They take; spit everything and everyone out when they are done. I have to learn to get away from these people. Its a set up and a trap when ever they get close to me. They act friendly up front, inside they hold resentments for me. They resent knowing me. They wish they had never met me. I feel the same way towards them.

If you build a healthy trust with me. I would give the shirt off my back to you. You must first build trust. You must not look at me as an opportunity to get ahead. I am not an abject. I am a human being.

Im trying to write this blog to the pain out, get my sanity back. I know that if I have the pain I have the problems. I know that the problem starts because I didn't fight back. My behavior did not respond and protect me. So Im mad as hell about that. Im mad at myself for not responding quickly and solving this problem. I did not react when I needed to react. I did not stay away when I need to stay away.

Im around upper middle class people that hate what Im suppose to stand for. Im suppose to play so many different parts. Im not playing them and its leaving people bewildered as what to do with me.

I am being spit on and attacked because being me is proof that these people Iv'e mentioned above are living a corrupt lie. this puts me in a superior level status. That is why Im getting attacked. I never asked for this position. These people are not better then me or anyone else.

For now until I get better, I have to learn to lie low and a better time of control. Im trusting God and I receive benefits for that. When Im stronger I will try to find a different situation to deal with. until then I have to learn to lie low./.

I will forgive everyone and pray they have everything I could ever want in my life. What others think of me is none of my business≥

I have to respond and get out of a situation even if I think it is safe and I am entitled. I have to look at my role in this. explain what is happening , How I feel about it and learn to put more of myself back into the situation and directions that God requires of me. What is my role in it.

I keep wanting to fit in somewhere; looked at with worth. I refuse to except that it always has to be about money. However, God is teaching me different. He is letting me know that Im lucky to be alive and this is not yet over. My problem is reality: I wont except how bad things are. How bad the people are. Im judged to death bef...

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by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:26 am

Im slowly digging in deeper to the lower inner levels of this compartment of self. This is an area of fears'm PTSD and its live scars.. As I go deeper into the pain, I still think Im "back there". "There" is a place of death and no hope. It is freaky to walk back to that place in my mind, I dissociate thinking about it. Yet, Im aware it is in my mind. I just need to keep working on it. Just like a world war, the turn has been in my favor. I am winning this war, However, just like WW2,. The Battle of the bulge must be fought, thus the enemy knowing it has lost, will not give up for many more years, and they dig in and kill aggressively.

Im slowly collecting boundaries. Or My boundaries are starting to hold. Im getting close to people and walking by them or away from them. They have proven not to be my friend and I really don't need their manipulations.

Im learning that later when Im stronger, I can be in the same room as the enemy, I don't have to take the bate or run away. People don't appreciate me in a way that is correct. This makes things extremely confusing. I run away; I don't want people around me that don't treat me with respect. I don't like being in the same room with these people, and I don't get these people, unless they are sociopaths, then I get it.

I have to learn to take God with me.

Drumming is coming back to me. This is a great thing, its a confusing thing. Its part of my identity from parts of my past that were erased. The drums through the trauma years were interacted. Seems I was able to play drums at different times of the trauma experiences. Drums are an important part of my recovery. They are a primary hobby. Im not very good on them. I like playing them. Im hoping that in a couple of years I'll get better.

Women: This is a confusing thing. Age has me confused. I will have to prepare myself for the attack of older people lecturing me as I go out with younger women... Im not there yet. I have much work to do on my PTSD stuff, then I will date I think. I think I will have a date, at least one. Plenty of women twirl there hair and stare at me... Age doesn't seem to matter to them... I have no idea what Im doing. I understand attraction and how to attract. Im not sure about someone sticking around even though I care about them and make them laugh. Iv'e been around for awhile. When one cannot create the cash for a house. At some point things break up. This is a philosophical point, However it can be a true point.

Song writing is brutal; Im not getting anywhere. I know how to write. Its about abandonment issues. Im getting close. When I finish a large amount of songs, I've ask the person holding my money to dish me some , that I buy a new toy. I have this rule. I have to finish something first, show the goods first before I buy something new in the field Im creating in. This creates a journey of exploration and work with a goal at the end of the rainbow. Its A God thing. I work these small contracts of accountability with a trusted friends concerning the spending of money's

Going back out into the world some day scares me.

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:50 pm

My life is actually very small. I have almost no friends. Most of what I express I express online. I am misrepresented by most of the middle class people Ive known and been around. Most people don't know me. They see the outside of me or my symptoms or want to fight up against my agitations. They want to compete. I want to live. They see my pushed persona and judge it. They never ask questions for the truth, they have no interest in knowing who I am. Its horrible. Really horrible. They have everything. They attempt to put me in a smaller box that I fit into their bigger world. I refuse, thus, they get frustrated with me. I destroy there fantasy of living through me. They want control, that is the only reason Im allowed around them. They try to hide it, or smile it off as if I cant see it or there motives or fear. They are limited and cannot live with that fact, therefore, they make grandiosity a loved family member. They want to sit back and act like they are in charge of some great experiment. Im suppose to be the allotted participant of that experiment. Finally when they realize Im not going to play into there game, they get frustrated and don't want me around anymore. When I don't leave, that is when the hate comes at me from all sides. Its a sadistic contempt. At times, none of these people have to say a word. Its all loud and clear. Im not accepted for who I am. Im hated for who I am.. Its a most bizarre and strange world I live in, Its all based on conditions. Im not accepted. ITs really strange how people believe that Im going to change so they are happy. This is a strange feature of the human experiment.

I would say Im not liked.. It not that!, Im not known. No one knows me, and they will never know me until they want to, and they don't want to, they are not broken, if they are, they wont admit it. They wont admit that they need me as I need them as I need God. They the ice cubes in a freezer.

My world is small. I have agoraphobia, Iv'e created an elaborate system to function outside. One would never see that I have a problem with being outside. I do, if one would ask I would show them. Im used to dealing with the fatigue of outside. I can only handle so much of it and people, and I start to recede into myself. I try really hard to be outside. Im forced to go outside if I want to get better. I go outside to get better. When I am seen, I am judged.

Others wonder why Im not working. I am working. Im working to get off the fields of death, and to be relieved of their presence in my mind. For , leaving this murky pond, I have taken with me the memories of the pond. I am on land, my mind is deeply under the ocean blue.

Why I keep having these problems they don't see. The fact is, these people have never seen me normal. They have no idea who I am. I am the "it" I am the concept object.

Work:
Im an intelligent well educated person, I have degree. Why would a creative intelligent well educated creative imaginative person throw away all opportunities for relationships, love, marriage, family, more education, any and all forms of career paths, having children, having a house, having social status, being a leader in the community, Art center. Why would I bring on the stigma of being a social outcast on social security before my time. Why would I throw away my future by not being employed. Does this sound like Freedom. Does this sound like the kind of person you or your friends would want to hang out with…. ? I have found most people want nothing to do with me, before or after my symptoms..

Why would I throw away my retirement. Why, for what reason... If I could act or be normal, Why would I not be. This equation is not that hard to figure out. There must be something wrong with me if the state put me on social security. Its not like I went through one shrink. I went through dozens of people and red tape and loops. Why do all of this, for a weeks v...

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Blog 81: Get out of there!

blog 80: still fighting

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