OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 10:04 pm

Getting help with relationships…
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So; Im going to get outside help for relationships. I looked through the 12 step guide… and found the areas on resentment work; And I found questions concerning relationships and expectations… and resentments; Im sick; really sick; this is an area stemming from being broken and abandon by my parents; I continue to seek my parents…
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I consider seeking my past life and parents and my past life in everything and everyone I meet… So; Im like a small child.. and everyone must take care of me.. I don’t or cant take care of myself; Im not able to get past the PTSD; it takes over my mind… and Im blind and must seek others…
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So… I Am getting help.
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When I give others this much power they take advantage of me. I literally am giving myself to strangers because they appear on the outside OK.
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Im looking for a place to hide; to hide in them or relief because I don’t have a family; so they play me knowing I have nothing…
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So; Im going for help to learn how to get over all of this and stop being a victim and learn to meet some decent people… or more importantly; meet the right people and not the wrong ones; and if I meet the wrong ones; Ill know how to handle this…
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To many people in the wrong place; Im trusting. I fall for it without a thought. I just assume the person is a nice person and they respect me and their on my side; only to find out later; they were never interested in me; Im just an easy mark…
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Heres the deal; I just want to move on… not bother with a person like this; Just move on stay away from people like this.

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 6:14 pm

The goal is Social…
My social ability has to come back; I have to be confident and present and accept my lot so I can start out…
If I am to be in relationships.
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Relationships come at the point of rich insertion into society; where Im in the deep web of society inner fabrical; a fabric I climb on and through like a Jungle gym….
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How do I get back there; that is a good question…?
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I have to get back there… So; I get new experiences… and bi pass the old PTSD issues somehow; that flood my brain.
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I have to create a new idea of what I want to do and be and build that; slowly allowing that to over power the past. And I think that is happening; altho not over powered the social ends of some things;
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Im scared and vulnerable and this is a defeat zone I have no confidence in. So; I must work with God in some kind of preparation period; or development first. I must become on the other side of where I am hurt.
Ill keep working on it…
changing my thinking about it.
Im look for those who appreciate me. I guess… Im looking for those that are looking for me under God.
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I had an experience the other day; a women; younger then me; but older; pretty; She appreciated the music I was making on the piano… She appreciated me.
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SO; it can happen; people who appreciate me… I guess.
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Im scared because I don’t have a house to go with it. That scares me more then anything; not being enough.
I think the answer is to keep communicating this; it; keep communicating about it; put it out on the table until it has no more power… thats where this starts; and this does truly hurt; hurt to bring this up.
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I have allot of lies about my past; meaning; I didn’t do all the things or have all the power I claim to have; actually I havent done anything. I don’t know why I have to lie about it in front of others.. That doesn’t make any sense. I have to learn to tell the truth and not be scared of it. But I am. Its absolutely horrible…
So; sexual abuse and the demoralization of such things I involved in this. So; I have to learn how. I will work with God on this; Amen.

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 3:34 pm

Not having a girlfriend yet; This is also a view of my goals… Meaning; I don’t have one… I have to accept this and look at it; For it speaks of a reality I have to look at. Already; framing it this way tells me something…
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The child in me; the meek broken thrown away child does not believe he is good enough for anyone; or that no one likes me or wants to; Im not enough or good enough.
And what I know about success based thinking; This negative way of looking at things has to change…
It has to change first; this attitude toward things; Even tho Im a nice person. It has to change first so I can believe people like me or want to be with me. This starts in my imagination long before I ever get a girlfriend…
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If Im putting a girlfriend; the idea of a girlfriend on a pedestal way way way up above me where she cant be reached; I will get know where…
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Im at this place of interacting with people again to a certain proximity; meaning; closeness; This is the first time since I was 14…. Ive even experienced a bit of popularity at times with some small groups of people. With certain people within that small group of people.
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However; altho this is nice; and Its been offered to me; for people wanting to spend time with me… and Im certainly appreciative of this offer; Altho these women are of interest and are attractive to me; and I do appreciate them; I just don’t see the universe as sending them for long term relationships with me. I could be wrong; But; Im just not getting that signal….
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What does this mean; It means Im getting closer; but not close enough to the mark to say Ive found a girlfriend.
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Ive gotten better; Ive gotten more stable; and Im grateful for this; but this does not mean Im any closer to having a girlfriend.
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This is a major problems for me. My number challenge of dysfunction to work on and conquer… However; most of the problem is in Courage and Confidence. And all of this problem must first be addressed in my imagination first. I must be changed to believe; I believe Im good enough for a girlfriend and next; the right girlfriend. Regardless; I have to believe this; What ever it takes to believe.
Ive read and heard a belief is something I tell myself over n over n over; Thus; the negative brain washing I have must be changed.
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I can tell where this negative brain washing is coming from.
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Working on resentment work from my 12 step meetings; this would be a great idea concerning this subject.
Im still playing the victim on some past subjects because I choose not to see my role in them. Ill have to continue to do more work on the past until I am released from it…
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So; by writing this tonight; I can see where the problem is; First; Its an inside job; next; its me. Lets first take care of this problem from the past and then start out again under my higher powers care..
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Next; when the past is gone concerning this matter and Im no longer blaming anyone; I then start out with a goal of the type of person I want to meet. And I haven't done that; I thought I had but I have not.
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NOTE; I can describe what and who I am not looking for. For example; Im noticing I can see in my imagination the women Im not attracted to. I notice because when I think about them and put my emotions concerning them; suddenly in the next few days; I see them show up around me ( laws of attraction).
I thought to myself; Why am I not thinking naturally about who or what I really want. Im realizing; I don’t really believe Im good enough; That kind of women would think she is to good for me.
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I guess I have to stop doing that… I just don’t know any other way to think about certain women; accept that Im not good enough for them… I just think; ( who am I to think someone like Im thinking about in a positive sense; is good enough for me).
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NOTE: Today at the 12 step meetings; when Honest relationships were a topic; when it was my tur...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 12:42 am

The next goal is relationships of important forms… meaning; more intimate levels… Moving forward; meaningful relationships… Girlfriends
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Activities… Seem to be going well; and intact.. This means; regardless of where Im at concerning activities; Im able to participate and work with it… If I want to move forward; with much work; I can….
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by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 18, 2025 5:13 am

Activities;
Doing well concerning Music …
Music appears to be one of the main areas if not the main area of activity rehabilitation for my mental health problems… What does this mean; it means; This is my work. Thats what I do for work. I play the piano at different places; Thats the goal; right now; Im playing a few days a week. I would like another day somewhere… That would be 3 days a week.
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What has changed; what was the goal… How is this going…
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The goal.
1. Play live…
2. To play recognizable songs; meaning competency; Pop songs… To play them correctly to play them with some mature presentation and orchestration. Meaning; the songs use stultification with melody and chordal use. This means; work! I have to polish up my work; my presentation of the songs Im playing…
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3. Classical music;
The goal; several easy playing classical pieces; Usually representations of more sophisticated sonatas and preludes and fugues at a much easier level; or beginning level of piano performance.
The classical pieces Im playing are intermediate level pieces or intermediate presentations for the more beginning pianist. Meaning these Advanced pieces have been dumb’d down or simplified for the more beginner player to present play an enjoy; I using this more simplified version of these classical pieces…
What does this mean to me; It means; less time learning these pieces so I can play them live. However; This is my first time ever playing classical pieces in front of anyone. So; the easier for now; the better…
I have been fooling around with the piano for 2/3rds of my life; About 40 years on n off; I quite for all practical purposes for about 20 years… When severally mentally ill. In other times my playing was more about in audible mindless banging as I attempted to reach reality from a broken person inside of me…
Now; I have more hope…
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Today; Im interested in incorporating some classical pieces in my portfolio of songs for playing live… However; let me say; its all practice. Im learning for the first time how to play on the piano in the outside world, serving an audience at lunch with music…
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Ive never played a classical piece in front of anyone. Im not sure Ive ever even finished a classical piece of music before. Well; I did finish a Bach invention and record it once. Other then that… NO. Ive never been outside my room.
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So; Today; The goal is to be up for the challenge of practicing songs for the purpose of getting better at presenting a clear representation of those songs; meaning the chordal orchestrated melodic usage of song is clear sophisticated and precise for the listeners appreciation; IN practical terms; what does this mean; I means; a happy listener who reorganizes a song when its played. Nothing is better then a person who walks up and tells me. “ Hey; that last song; I remember that from my youth”. What is this person really saying; They are telling me; You played that song just like on the radio; The chords and melody were just right; a perfect representation; And after getting the representation right and the notes correct; Then; I can add some artistic coloring of choice to give it my personal appeal of the song. So; that is the goal; to have the song learned correctly; completely… And when this is accomplished; Then; I can add my own creative flare. Its about standards when servicing the public; What they expect…
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For classical music; What Im willing to do right now; Im willing to break a classical piece into phrases; Say; 20 measures of the main piece; theme and some variation… Im willing to a few notes for beginning and end and cut the actual pieces in 3rds for now and only present a smaller version of the piece… And Im fine with that. I don’t think Beethoven will be smashing through his grave to tell me to stop!
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Meaning; if the piece is 66 measure. Ill pic the first 20 measures ...

[ Continued ]

Getting help with relationships…

The goal is Social…

Not having a girlfriend yet;

The next goal

What has changed; what was the goal… How is this going… .

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