OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 12, 2025 5:07 pm

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…
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Here Is my reality; I never really ever got started; 99% of the time I was talking as if I was 7 years old and watching TV all the time; and talking about what it would be like when I got older; what I thought of it. I didn’t even realize; I had never done it myself; never been close to being prepared to go down a road to grow up or grow toward the road that would start the process of practicing and alignment for future relationships. Mentally Ive been atleast 4 years of from even starting the process of development to become someone who would be ready to consider the work to become someone to be in a relationship…
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However; that has all changed.
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Im at this point of popularity and women interest. I would like to spend my time around a whole lot of women; hanging out; inviting over; going places; making out; and then later start dating them; getting ever more social and socially popular one might say; And then from that;
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“WOULDNT IT BE NICE”;
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Wouldnt it be nice _____________________________? Fill in the blank of who I would REALLY LIKE TO MEET. Let my imagination roam… Pick who I want and then never drop the standard; but instead work with God on getting on getting what I want; what I imagine; from the top; from the top of the Apple tree if thats what I want. And I will keep my standards and let God sort it out; Keep my standards; my frequency; if its a super high frequency; then keep that frequency; and don’t let it down no matter what.
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Im talking about reality tho; Im talking about dreaming about what I want. Let the universe bring it to me; get me to the right tribe of women; and of support teams and people…
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I want to open up into a social world of women where Im friends with the women race… and interacting with them again.
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I mean; seriously; Ive gone to 60,000 thousand 12 step meetings; If I can be trained to go to 12 step meetings; could I not be trained to hang out with women…
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For example; when I get up in the morning; instead of looking at porn as a diversion of boredom; How about I get enthusiasm about calling women and hanging out with them; or having a set plan to meet up with women in the morning and because I want to… I mean; I would rather be with women then look at porn. Id rather be enthusiastic about doing things with women and building myself socially then not.
I can be trained into it. And its all a good thing; hanging out with women; its all great and it builds my social abilities back.
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Id rather hang out with women then not; and certainly hang out with women then be in this apartment doing nothing…
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Well; I would be doing stuff.
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The point is; Im attempting to being this part of my life back under my feet; Im attempting to open up this social part of my life again; This ocean of women I can interact with and visit.
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And so Ill be working at it anyway. Im suggesting the ability to meet new women; all types of women; and have them as friends; and to be able to call them all the time and be close to them… have them close to me… be near me…
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Im talking about expanding my life. Developing into a new social life that would also develop my love life and romantic life; my dating life my social life; and finally my married life….
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I would like nothing better then the optimism of knowing I have numerous women I can call at any one time day or night to go have coffee or walk around the park or hang out… I would love nothing better then to bring women Back into my life!

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 11, 2025 10:30 pm

New story…
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In the meetings today. A women I know of; not very well; she is interesting and attractive. I have talked to her before. I maybe had someone interest in her; but that was short lived. Something wrong with her.
Every time I share; I can hear her tone of voice after Ive finished sharing; its like someone who is putting me down or doesn’t take me seriously… I didn’t get it at first; her strange aloof behavior around me. Now I don’t care.
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Im beginning to get it; She a weirdo… And Im ouda here…
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Ive began to get allot of anxiety from Anxiety Disorder… Why? Im growing and changing; Im wanting to break through the glass bubble I live in and come through the denationalization’l dome I live in; break on through to the other side. Well; its been happening; slowly pushing and moving forward going beyond my bounds… over n over; weakening the Denationalization. In addition; Ive been creating a new life outside the dome… I am a new plant that sprouted; a rutabaga ready to dance… and be about the shrub brush; moving from the shrub brush to the beach; catching a ride on a log across the channel to a new life…
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I just got a little closer; right up to the edge… And with the commitments Ill keep with my accountability people; ( I believe Im ready); Ill be making some small moving waves out from the beach; a few feet into the water; pushing on that bubble I live in; stretching that thing really far this time. Ill be doing some new things; things that require responsibility and stability and commitment. And it looks like Ive got a plan and Ive prayed about it and Im serious.
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The anxiety disorder; some forms of this come from PTSD; Long term CPTSD; and thus; Ill be re walking down the past ruins of a childs broken life… and through that; reliving that pain and terror and horror; and come out the other side. I really don’t want to face or feel the humiliation or degradation of my life again where I was under seige and without any control over my life from perpetrators.
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So; I have to keep to my pathways under God; Just keep to the plan and thoroughly learn how to build skills until Im good at them and complete at them; meaning; completing them thoroughly. I think this can happen; I just need to go very slowly through some of it. It triggers the most deepest of wounds… Its hard even talking about it.
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Back to the story;
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The women at the meetings; Something told me something was wrong with this person when I met them or talked to them for the first time. I had ignored the person for a year I think on purpose; I just saw now need or reason to associate with them…
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She is very attractive girl; but that doesn’t really mean anything…
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lately; around her and a bit in the past being around her; I do not like her; I don’t like what I hear and I don’t like the way she treats me; taking me for granted; I can hear it in her tone of voice; as if Im an object she is sizing up; and she is sizing up that object much much lower then what I actually am. Im almost getting the position that she sees me as disposable and weak.
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The problem is; Im not her object to be doing anything with! Thats the problem; Who cares what she thinks of me; Im ouda here. Meaning; Ill drop her as any contact immediately; and I did and I am.
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WHY IS ALL OF THIS IMPORTANT: WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT POINT;
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The importance of this action to drop this person from my roaster; is; Im worth more then to be treated this way by anyone; its a red flag to get out of there… say goodbye to this person even tho I hardly know them. I don’t know them at all.
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The way I jumped away from the person and don’t care; Like; its doesn’t matter at all; God will send me to a thousand other people who do respect me; I don’t even need to be under this persons umbrella. Its ridiculous.
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I don’t need to be part of anything like that from anyone…
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The important as...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 07, 2025 3:35 pm

So the first concept concerning my future with women is; TO Talk to them; Period.
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And the help it will take to talk to them… Their it is; And God how do I do this God; what do you want me to do here God; what direction God. How.
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So; I have to pray. I have to pray first and keep it up; to create bridges to the starting point of this; and how to get their… From where Im at now.
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And to have support for this; for the real world; Amen. Start creating stories of where Im at now… Amen

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 04, 2025 3:02 pm

What have I learned today;
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I may have learned all I needed to learn today to start with…
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So glad I have a sponsor…
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SO; I tried to kill myself when young on drugs and alcohol; but I woke up; I got drug psychosis; later became an alcoholic by drinking years after I stopped using drugs…
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And trying to escape kill myself in other ways…
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So; I wake up in high school; I wake up sober; and its like OK; Now what; I realize Ive become one of those troubled people; what do I do now; where do I go from here; what do I do; I got that pessimistic attitude about living and life; whats the point; what do I do now. SO; Im actually getting it in recovery; OK; what do I do now; Its like Im in the 10th grade; I get it; Im seeing myself attitude about life; I turned into one of those guys; who tries to kill himself in verious ways to get out of here; to deal with my troubles; Im still here; what do I do now.
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However; Im awake; Im sober; what do I do now! Its like Im in 10th grade; in High school; what do I do now!

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Aug 31, 2025 5:12 am

Went to a meeting; talked about social anxiety; Because I cant even deal with anyone in front of me because Im terrified of all of it; the idea of a relationship…
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The only remote relationships Ive had; the goal was relief from social anxiety disorder. Actually; I just wanted to be loved by a family; The girl finally gave up why I was at her house; and soon; the whole thing just crumbled. I got mad at the girl for not understanding.
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What I needed was lots of support I didn’t have. Now I have some levels of support.
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When I take this stuff to God; I get one answer back; Just follow they guide from one of the Dating coaches I watch; ( a very good one); Just do what he says and stop trying to make women into men when Im talking to them. Im talking to a women; I have to talk in a way that conveys my interest in having a girlfriend or a wife… I have to create the excitement and interest in her so she can decide for herself. This is specific language associated to women for the purpose of courting… This is not One man talking to another; that wont work here; And thats the way it is; either adapt or go home alone; Women are not men and never will be; and never will I talk to them as if Im talking to a guy about a football game…
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Im starting to get it; get in line to the rules of the universe; Fine; I give; Ill do it; Just take orders.
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As for relationships; interactions; dating to going home with someone; I have to learn from the very ground up; all of it.
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Im starting to realize; I never learned anything concerning relationship or dating or women or taking women home or romance or sex or anything.
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I actually was always looking for a family system to hide within because of my anxiety; thats all I ever did. So; I never really had any relationships with anyone.
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Now; I would like to learn how to talk to women and have this all change.
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However; for a New Design for living ( a concept out of the 12 step groups Im a member of); I need relationship with God; support/ sponsor; and I have to learn how to take action. So; taking action can mean simply prayer and writing new stories about the new life I want; or working the steps with a sponsor.
However; in my case; it now means something more real world. If Im working on dating; It means; learning how to go to new places; meet new people in the right tribes; and success with these people means; they will offer introductions to the women they know. And thus it begins; I begin to work with real women I may be able to date and interact with for romantic purposes; Thus; I have to learn how to meet them in introductions; flirt with them creating romantic sexual tensions; and then get their numbers and call them for a next basic date and go from from there… and a whole of more stuff.
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So; all of this interaction requires allot of work and training on my part. The anxiety disorder makes this type of interactions with people; almost completely impossible; I mean; Im in a true literal state of shock n terror. However; something wonderful has happened and continues to happen.
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My ability to accept the things I cannot change; and the courage to change the things I can; and the responsibility associate with showing up and doing the work for a thing; Im much more developed then I realized for general living and I have allot of support. So;
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I think barely I can do this; but I can tolerate doing this. I can; but seriously; really; it gets really vulnerable and absolutely freaks me out to have success with women Im attracted to; My God; its like fantasy to me. I do not feel good enough for such things. However; That wont stop me; but this is really going to hurt going in this direction but in the end I will grow up a bit.
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What I will learn;
I will learn; Im able to go after my own interests; Its OK. Im not the first independent that has had to go after what he wants.. ...

[ Continued ]

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…

New story…

So the first concept concerning my future with women

Sobering up

Went to a meeting; talked about social anxiety

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