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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2020
Moving forward and dealing with a narc
   Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm
more topic posts from other sites
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm
Something happened on line with a comment
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm
Trust
   Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

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Moving forward and dealing with a narc

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm

Im dealing with a classic narc from my meetings; she is a classic narcissist in all its horror; using me completely to hide her covert condition from others; I see through her so I dont want her around me. Any time someone associates with a narc; interacting with them is trouble and will bring trouble; I grey rock them as much as possible and stay away from them.
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Things are strange; Im getting better in my personality; but I have to learn to feel and be safe; very hard for me to do; go back into life feeling safe again; but Im doing it very slowly and cautiously,.
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Im doing art work again; this is miserably hard and will be for sometime until I make a commitment to it. Im working at it everyday. Im overwhelming myself; its about believing I deserve it. That means old thoughts of times I was taken advantage of; they must be processed and worked through so I can do what I want now.
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Im not sure about Art but Im sure about the beginnings of music; Because Ive broken through that; ive been able to create and play a song that looks like its going to be completed; and I have a singer to sing it; I could sing it but having a singer makes me committed so someone to finish the piece and practice it with them; and practicing things in the real world is what Im looking to do.
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The heart break;
The heartbreak of this new life comes when I do things without certain people that left my life when young; that is what hurts so much. How do I deal with the pain; as I create a new life and God brings me new people. I see myself in this new life without the friends I had when young; God pulled those monsters from me because they were monsters and bullies and I never new; I had no idea; they were not equals and they never saw me as equals and I had no idea; I did not know I was on a sinking ship but someone took the ship and sank it. Im better now; but still; this hurts so much; I loved those people with all my heart because Im a decent person; they never loved me they hated me from the beginning and never told me; covert manipulators; opportunists.
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So; Im traumatized and shocked by what I went through; now I have the opportunity to start a new life and it scares the hell out of me; but it is coming about but its not here yet; Im still not safe yet; still working on it.
I never new it was going to be this way; as a small child I had the world in front of me; I had no idea I would go through something like this where I would be completely taken out of my home and destroyed and set adrift for the rest of my life; F_CKing Psychopaths....
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So; the most important thing right now is Art and creating Art on a daily basis and watching a video on usage of the software I use for Art and practicing; and their it is for now.
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I want my life back; I remember it; it will take work to get it back and feel safe; I just want to feel safe more then anything else.

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more topic posts from other sites

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm

Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Terror; Who said coming back into life from CPTSD that I was only going to be scared.
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Im terrified; Im triggered; Its all coming back; so what! O Well!
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Im in Terror; Im not just scared... and it will remain until I finish a project Ive started; something for the real world.. Ill need all the help I can get.
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Im working on something and it must be good; well done.
What im learning; Im not reacting like the regular people; scared and nervous; Im terrified. And terror will stay with me; its not cooling out; my choice to continue; Welcome to CPTSD.
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I have CPTSD and its been a long long time since I lived a life and Im walking back into my life and Ill need help doing it; real help; I may have to have people sit with me while I finish my projects. Sit with me while they get ready to be evaluated. And thus; Im back in my life.
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I have terror; not just fear and it doesn't go away; so welcome to CPTSD land. Im not like the regular people; or maybe I am and have never had to face real world present problems because Ive never been sane; I dont know. Things are changing; more is expected of me.
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Im learning to ask for help; thats laughable; Ill need help every second; all along the journey; all the time; cant be done alone...
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Old narratives; I can play them all night long; and they stab me to death; doesn't matter; Ill have to bring others in so Im not alone; stay present.... My nervous system isn't like others; O well!
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Its about character; I earn a new way of thinking; Im not God; I have to do the footwork... I did not learn about this until well into my recovery; this is not a beginning recovery concept; it comes much later...
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Im not God; I have to do the footwork... Thank God I have to do the footwork; it just may save me in the end; but I cant do it alone. Ill have to open up to others and ask for help along the journey.
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Anyone relate?
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Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Something happened on line with a comment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm

I was on one of my CPTSD sites and someone left me a comment; after I posted. This was a women who got a bit closer in her comment; a bit more direct. She mentioned about re mothering. I freaked out because she got so close to the problem; I could feel the hatred and anger and aggression and massive fear; but she was online; just a drawn face in a little box representing a real human somewhere. She wasn't real; I mean; I was feeling it because emotionally someone was getting close to me. This tells me I get triggered any time someone gets close. I got mad at her? not really at her but I was mad at her for getting that close without my permission because it could be damaging.
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What was interesting is; it was simply about someone getting close; it was not a real person I knew; was not personal; and this person commenting could not have any idea of who I was or where I came from or my background accept the post; nothing else; so what am I witnessing here.
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Im seeing that Im triggered by anyone getting close and my personalty turns vile; and it becomes personal in a way; like someone is personalty attacking me. Because this person is unknown; it is not personal; so its about me and not the other person; so; this is good info; but I still dont know what to do.
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What does this mean; its means that when women want to get close to me; if they get to personal I get freaked out and enraged out of fear... I dont trust them because they are without kid gloves when dealing with me.
So; how do I deal with women; I dont know; Ill take it to God and hope God brings me women smart enough to some how see that Im in pain or fear and know how to handle me; that is all I can think about.
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Ive been with women I was interested in and it didn't work; they turned out having no values or worth toward human beings; nothing and certainly had no value toward me; nothing; unbelievable; dealing with that level of filth. Godless and lawless; what was I doing their.
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So; Im stuck for now; I dont know how to proceed. I feel like I have to continually align with God; I have no other choice when it comes to women; I have to wait for the right one to show up; I feel so lost and stuck when it comes to women and love less; like no one wants to love me... nothing; no one. No one sees my real value or worth and I dont know how to get to that place to be around the right women that do; and Im working with God on this but I feel time is running out for me; Im getting old... non of this life makes any sense to me; nothing... I dont understand God; I feel like Im being kept in the dark on all things; no fun; and I feel I have no control; over my own life and God is not helping; I mean God is helping but Im having a hard time listening? Its like a cat n mouse game. I dont know. In the end I end up safe but without any kind of life? I dont know; thats how it feels. Im trying to work with God but I dont know. I dont feel safe at all at anything or around anyone.

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Trust

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

Ive been working on soulmate stuff for about 4 years; In the process I knew I had to change; In the process of change; the journey of change; Ive meet a few women along the way.
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lately I met another women; or saw her and waited cautiously to see if I wanted to move forward; I finally did; but with very mistrusting caution; and for good reason; I was not wrong; red flags are red red flags; However, I was able to further down my journey remarkably well; lots of ground conquered here; all leading to my end destination of soulmate.
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This last venture; she was physically closer then any of them from the past to what I was looking for; startling how the universe can replicate what Im thinking about. This time her personality and mine somewhat matched; we matched up in several areas including some forms of spirituality;
Unfortunately; she was 2 faced and deceptive; She was also checking out other guys in a most natural fashion. Soon; I could not go around her anymore; red flags; Id had enough of this. This was another example of " how" the universe can bring me what Im looking for.
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Biggest issues;
Trust and red flags...
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If I trust someone and im trusting; they shouldn't have a problem associating with me and I with them. This is the biggest problem; trust.
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My goal is to manifest what a friendship looks like on a day to day basis hanging out with my soulmate and trust issues; What is the kind of person Im looking for; how do they act; because I must trust them; and it must be shown to me; so, Ill have to manifest what I think trust looks and feels like. And this is hard just talking about; so; ive got my work cut out for me.
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Anyone relate. ....
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A sadistic view when dealing with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:43 pm

Ive been told I have a sadistic view when dealing with women; meaning my mother was a psychopath and I learned that love was hate and hate was love; at a brutal horrible level; and Im twisted from it; I was just talking to a women friend of mine all about it; she called the whole situation sadistic; I would agree; Ive been told it several times.
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Im attempting to work through my feelings about women and my past; so I can feel safe around women; I dont trust them. The goal is to date; feel safe enough to date; meaning having some control over what I want; and not the feelings of defending myself...
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Im trying to work through these feelings; feelings of a sadistic nature concerning my upbringing; it was not an upbringing; more a torture show.
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So; I have a sadistic view of women; a backwards view; I hate those that love me and I dont trust them at all and they have to prove themselves to me a thousand times or I want go near them again.
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I can't tell who likes me and who doesn't. I dont know who is gaming me or telling me the truth. I cant tell who is 2 faced and who is real.
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I do not trust women that they are honestly interested in me; I think they are interested in someone else while acting like their interested in me; but their actually completely interested in me; they always look off in some other direction to some other guy; glancing; and when that happens; I loose hope and interest...
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So; I have to seek help at some level to turn this around and now how to tell who is safe and who is not.
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When all of these feelings are worked out; I can bi pass the women that dont count and meet the ones of a more mature nature and go out with them; become friends with them... that kind of thing. ...
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ART;
Im making in roads to art; Im shaking peoples hands that Ill do the art I promised to make to put on a wall somewhere; art gallery wall; we will see. This journey is unfolding.
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Women;
This journey has been unfolding but has not started in the real friendship area; and this is where I have problems; imagining friendship with women; day to day stuff; seeing it in my head; visualizing it; this is the next area of work....

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