OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:18 pm

Things aren't bad. Their better then they have ever been,. Im finely getting answers.

Things are Bad. Their horrible. Just ask anyone.. Don't ask me. Thats not what I think. thats not how I feel. Im heading back land to look around. Like a mountain biker with a backpack heading down a forest trail to the destination pod. To come back one more time and be in the here and now, one more time. I don't know how successful it will be. I don't know. I don't know how. I don't care. Im less afraid of the outside world. I know what it is. I see the outside world. To me its a giant war field.. I see. I feel through my mind, my arms, my legs the PTSD all the time. Layers upon layers. Time zones after time zones.

Life is a giant Psychotic jungle land melded with reality from out their, and reality from in here.

I have more movement. More freedom within it. Hard earned movement away from the Paralyzation of Freeze mode. I still feel the freeze mode and the violations that caused it. Yet, Im able to walk a distance from it and go ride my bike In aggoraphobiaville.

Yesterday , closer to the evening I started to decompinsate. I started to become psychotic again. My brain started giving out again. I was OK . I had to go home. The Agoraphobia began to creep in. And it was time to go home.

Im not mad that Im still the way I am. I always hope that I will be life everyone else someday. When Im not. Its OK. I just go home...

Earlier today:

I woke up this morning to the same depersonalized experience that I woke up to yesterday. It feels Schizo effective , to many times during the day. All the time during the day... Its with me all the time.

Im not sure why Im writing some of my symptoms, I guess Im trying to be the big man. To show off and let everyone know who I am and what Im about. That I am my symptoms... Im not sure. Its like follow me. Or look at me. Im a great God. Something life that. I feel ashamed, Yet Im going to secretly do it anyway... Theirs another part of me that likes the idea that I can write about Whats really going on with me. I don't have to conform to the other side in reality land...

Dissociative Disorder: All the time...
DID: All the time. Its strange. Its like living in a group home. Its a bit disturbing. Its not what I wanted when I grew up. It is what it is... Im OK with it. With my protectors and agitators, and all the children running around.
CPTSD: is with me all the time
Schizo Effective tendencies: With me all the time
Agoraphobia: With me all the time
Avoidance Disorder: With me all the time
Psychotic Tendencies: With me all the time.
Depression comes and goes. Not like before. Before it was clinical all the way, with its horrible bouts that should have killed me.
Suicide: not like before. Im allot better. I still get hit pathologically with it. When theirs a problem with something. I say to myself. I want to kill myself. Why should I live. IT would be better to build a giant building for those that don't like this place anymore, and let them go their and be put to sleep. How nice that would be...

Now to a better place-----------------------------------------------

Yet, Im more connected: All the time
Love of God and relationship with God: All the time; Im on my knees to God thirty times a day
I have some friends: and I can call them and walk with them and talk with them: All the time
12 step rooms are open: All the time
I ride my mountain bike all the time. I can go 50 times as far on a mountain bike then I can walk. The agoraphobia doesn't hit me when Im on the mountain bike as much. I think its because my mind is being preoccupied. The rhythmic cyclic movement of the peddles his hypnotizing. I am safer around people, I can ride by them and leave at the same time.. The Rhythmic and balance of the bike swishes my condition around and around and around like a washing machine... To Its like being in a giant fun house..

Im in personal training...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:49 pm

Lately I was talking to a person that has worked with me in the past on Psych issues.
I was telling her how much better I feel, much different then I used to be. I was 100% disabled from my condition.

Although I still have same nervous system and the same brain, I have allot of healing and more peace then Ive had in a long time. I still have problems or conditions. What has changed is the way I look at them. The way I feel about them. And that my symptoms are down.

I have worked through many resentments , and have a better understanding of resentment at this point. I have a higher power that I work with, that helps. iT makes all the difference.

I have been to the desert alone. And had to rely on God the whole time. I mean this in a spiritual sense and in a real sense relating to many of the realities I deal with on a daily basis.

My life has been one giant struggle. The other half has been one giant prison camp Ive had no control over. Ive had no control over my life. The mental problems took over, clamped down. and I never surfaced again.

I know what it is like to die and be resurrected several times. This life has been a brutal affair.

----

As I mentioned at the top. I talked to a person that I worked with on my condition several years ago. I thought she was trained and understood the type of hopelessness a person like myself expects to experience on a daily basis. Not so.
In my conversations with her. She insulted me. And I felt quit put down and shoved off to the side. I felt this way because I brought up the idea of those suffering because of their illness. Their mental condition. And how horrible it is, especially when I think I have to give up, that theirs no one interested in me. Or anyone coming to my door to take care of me or save me from the insanity in my mind and nervous system. That death might result because theirs no way out. That when one is broken in mind, heart and spirit. One does not care anymore about going on with anything.

Her answer to all of this. " They need to pull it together". Or, " They need to grow up". The way she said it was worse then the words she used. It hit me like a brick. A random middle class cliche. I mention my story to this person and all I get back is how those that are poor and destitute with no way out just need to " pull themselves up from their weakness, that they choose to have, and start dealing with life like everyone else.

It was the way , the tone of voice, the arrogant body positioning , that got to me. I just stood their. It was despicable. I was talking to someone that thought it was alright that others should die that I may live as I wish... Horrible. Why did I even talk to this person. This person has no conscious. The only thing a person like this is interested in is making more money and making a name for themselves with the other people of popularity within the community.

They never ask any questions. They create their own opinions about me or about my condition. They jump in and try to take over. To over shadow with their own view points. Their not interested in mine. Even if its me we are talking about. My story....
I have to learn to let go and let God. Keep the conversation on them, don't expose anything about myself and walk on. That is the only way to stay safe in an unsafe world.
Im just shocked by people that have greed and power as their best interests. That greed and power are the best they can do. They cant do just a bit better then that and try being a human. I guess not. I feel for the broken hearted people of this world. Where will they turn. No matter what direction they go in. Their trampled under the worlds feet, and torn into pieces...

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:33 am

Was I to give thanks... I guess its sleeping with the enemy.. The people that helped create my Dissociate disorder are a disorder. Nothing knew under the son. Its just that they don't stop. their not friends of mine, even if they are family. Their not family really. They've turned into scum bags. They seem to think their better then I am. They are simply getting away with it. Yet I prayed and got a meal out of it. It almost cost me my integrity. I wasn't alone . I have an older brother that tried really hard to fit in.. he doesn't understand, its all a joke. Just sick people making him perform like a monkey. Their unethical. Yet, they have privilege.

I use the term privilege. Those that are privileged not to have problems. Or, problems they have to deal with simply because they function in ways that give them relationships or the access to money on a regular basis. Money that allows them to buy a home , have a family and equate them with God like status to others that aren't so fortunate. I see that they assume they are superior. Yet, I went to Thanks Giving at their house.

First,. If a person appears to think they are better then me or others, Im gone. That is what happened here when I enter the house. I had to re-adjust everything. My PTSD is going off. The Alters in me are beginning to shake, and they tell me to run. Run for my life as they recognize the people that are in that house. These are not friends. They are people that need me to play the weak person role. They are not the kind of people My PTSD personalities need to be around.

They are not better, They are not even in the ball park. yet , I do not force others to except me the way they aught to. They either do, or I stay away from them. I have nothing they want. my personality means nothing to them.

However, I prayed about it,. and God thought it would be a good idea if I went. thought I was ready. I have the kind of relationship with God that I can tell when he's communicating in the real world. I depend on God for my life.

next year, I will save my money and take others out to a nice Brunch. People that will appreciate it. people that appreciate me...

I know the people involved are sick. Yet, they would let me die at a moments notice. They think Im a weakling and a dead beat. nothing more. And that its a tiresome nuisance for me to have to deal with. They see no reason to deal with me because they have it going on. They are Gods, I am one of the follower weaklings in the background that worships the whole idea of them from a distance. Thats what they think. As they think on nothing other then themselves. These people have not figured out , that descent people don't need to tell them their wrong. Decent people don't have to show their goods. If Ive Got the Goods any way. Why do I have to show any one anything. That is what really bugs me.

I went, and I did the following.

I have to remember: These people are controlling. They think they have a right to run the world and control everyone under them. They assume their are better people.

I hunkered down on the couch in the living room of their home. next. I prayed, and got paper and pencil and begin to write.
Next, I prayed, next I went outside and on my knees and prayed.
Next, Into one of their rooms and prayed.
I left the table every 5 to 10 minutes to pray on my knees in a privet place.
Then I went outside and stayed outside and left. unfortunately I had to see some of these people before I left.
I will not associate with people that pull that middle class slop on me. I don't have time for that stupidity. neither do the dying in this land who need help..

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:02 pm

Hi:

Mental illness. I will start with the narrative over view I think . And make this short to start

I have been Dissociative all of my life.

I had plans, they were stopped by violent people, insane people and severe PTSD. The only thing saving me during the time were several alters and God. I was wanted by no one. Criminals don't like me. I point out their criminals because Im not one. That is all it takes. That is all it took. that is why I wasn't liked. So many people are criminals. The only reason the jails are full, is those are dumb criminals. The rest arnt that stupid. One can criminalize others at anytime emotionally and spiritually. Liars, thieves cheats. When Im around these people, they tend to get very mad. After a certain amount of time they begin to act out against me. I guess they just cant stand it anymore. Public humiliation. Or put downs. Crossing boundaries. deceptions. If its a girl. She sets me up with love. MAn, she was fool- n the whole time. laugh-n all the way to the bank.

Ive looked for real people to associate with. Its hard. Its hard in a hard world where one needs clothing and food and shelter and meds or they wont survive.

Im not sure what to think of this world.

I have a few friends. They are different. They were thrown away as well from this world.

I believe in God and I pray to him all the time. That is all I have. God.

I will go to church. Im not scared of it anymore. Im a bit better with less conservative churches.
I find most have very little interest in me unless they think their getting something from me.

Performance
Performance
Performance Just like a monkey

Im not sure where I fit in except on a stage. That is about the freest place I can think off.

I didn't know I was going to be abandon in this life by everyone. I was. By almost everyone. Nothing is real . Nothing is sacred. Nothing..

All the middle class people are gone. They left as fast as they could, back when I was 11 years old. I didn't even know it. they vanished like a space shuttle heading into space. For those that were left to feed me , I was hated and treated as a second class citizen. Even today some of those people are very old. They only want me around that I may help take care of them before they go. I mean nothing to them. Its all a lie. Even when they smile and are nice. its all a lie. Always has been.

Im still dealing with all the fakes as I try to get well. Its not that they don't want me to get well. Its that because of lack of funding , I don't exist to anyone. Im of little or no importance to anyone.

I have God and the approximation of finding the truth.

doesn't seem to matter what group I get into , I never fit in with anyone. No one would want to treat me with the respect I deserve, they would have to give up all their goods. Im hated at the core , and many would like to control me when they see me. This has been my experience within groups of people. So many idiots trying to reach to the top in-order to be popular. Popular with this, Popular about that. And they are the worst connivers. Always playing everyone and getting into their space. Its a wonder Im still here on planet earth...

Most people didn't want anything to do with me because Im a looser. Im not going anywhere in life. I didn't know that until it was pointed out to me. If I don't perform like a monkey Im out. What about legitimate problems. They mean nothing , to anyone. No one cares. No one is interested. Nothing.

Once I am thrown out of the system. Im finished.
Ive made others look bad. That is what counts.

Many people have mistaken kindness for weakness within me. It sucks. I don't like it. Its hard to break, and heart braking.

those of privilege give me advice on how to fix everything. They ask me to jump through a hoop that is higher then I am. They know as well as I do they never earned that box they stand on that makes that jump...

[ Continued ]

Another Day in Anxiety land

People with no idea of the problem

Thanks Giving ?

Fist Blog: Mental illness

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