July 2025
June 2025
As I advance; as for relationships; any and all relationships; Ive had people say I meant nothing to them and Ive had others in the end treat me like I was scum worthless that could not be trusted; loser; the kind I would have pushed away when young; the kind that disgusted me...
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So; Ive had to look at those type of responses. Whats up with that; Why people treating me that way...
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The facts on paper within an inventory suggest I never got past the introduction stage with people; I was a complete mystery...They didnt even know if I spoke English; and thats my native tung...
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They were innocent people; complete strangers; I never really met; I just hanged out. In the end they judged me; judged what they saw; but what they saw was diverse; a bit anti social and negative... They never saw anything else; I never presented anything to them ever; I was completely silent of who I really am... Could I say they were friends of mine; NO! I never established any real friendships with these people; I was a silent stranger who hung out... I hung out at their houses...
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I never told them anything of myself or about myself. they knew nothing about me. They literally judged me on what information was presented to them. I gave them nothing; thats all they had tow work with; nothing. We never got past the introduction stage... If they thought I was a loser; its because; that was the costume I wore; and I showed no other signs of anything beyond it. Thats all they got; that is exactly what they judged.
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They were innocent strangers who meant nothing to me! I was just using them. I burgler'd my way into their lives and just sat on their furniture while they were there; and I left.. It didnt bother them that I hung around; but after a while it did. And they asked me to leave. Some laughed at me before I left; some were disgusted... They gave me a chance; I never took that chance. I was a silent observer and left... I got what I wanted from these strangers and left. I kept all opinions and thoughts of what I saw and how I felt and what I wanted and who I am; I kept it deep inside locked down... I never went any further...
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As I said; I never established any kind of relationship with them; zero; nothing.
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The problem is; who am I! I needed to be successful at something; I needed to feel like I could move from the house I was living in to better situations around better people; and so I showed up at other peoples doors. This made me feel powerful and worthfull. I felt like I was going beyond the house hold I came from..
I wanted to escape the house hold I came from; something was deadly wrong and I knew it.. When little; I could not put my finger on it; what was wrong.. but I knew something was horribly wrong; and I thought; well; Ill just find what Im looking for at others house holds.
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The reality was; I was looking for personal safety and power and development away from that original house hold; thats all it was about. I was trying to escape...
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So; When someone said I meant nothing to them; what they were saying was; I was had been a complete stranger they knew nothing about hanging out around them silently who left... I literally was a ghost. I established nothing with them; Hit n run... I came took and went... I silent. like a silent thief... I meant nothing to them; why would I mean anything to them... fair is fair... They did not thing wrong. They didnt even know me... I was a complete stranger
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Also; I put people on edge; I was a stranger showing up around them; put them into survival mode; they nice; but they were nervous; they were scared. I mean; looking back; I look at how some of them acted while I was around them; they were nice cordial hosts... but it never got past that.. I should up a 100 times around them; but it never got past that... They were complete strangers...
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It was my delusional thinking that tried to make them into something more when nothing had been established... You dont get something for nothing. I cant blame strangers who never got near me enough to establish any kind of relationship; they had no one there... I was a ghost. I went to them; I dont remember anyone suggesting they were interested in me at any time for any reason; They were strangers...
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The think a better question would be. Who was I without any of them; if I had never gone to any of their houses and had to stay put in my own home. What would I do then; how would I escape; If I worked with God.. where would I end up who would I have become...
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It really frightens me to look at this... I dont like the person I actually was. I was a scared loner nothing more. what now; where would I have gone; what would I have done... If I talked to God; then where would I end up... What would I have been doing.
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I did nothing illegal here; it was just a state of mind dealing with others; dealing with others was a means to an end; it was about gaining a life I could not have in the house hold I came from; that house hold was a death house hold; it had my death on it; but I could not pick out anything in front of me that would prove it; but everything at that place proved it... I was doing anything I could to get out of there... It was like a spiritual haunted house I wanted to escape. Pure evil.
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So; lets call that house what it Was; pure evil... And that is hard to do; my fantasy bond wanted to make it into a nice place.
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Im asking those questions now in order to develop my independence for the first time as a human being. Ive been institutionalized all my life in one form or another; Id like to change this if I could; learn to go from a dependent personality; something Ive been all my life; to an independent personality.. Id have to face many things and work for everything I want... can this be done; we will see. Im awfully scared of this; brings up horrible PTSD... thoughts; horrible thoughts scared scary frightening thoughts.
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Im scared to see who I am with out all those distractions...
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But; what was I trying to escape from? Thats the real question of all this writing.
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I have God and thats what I have to learn to depend on.
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When young; I had a TV set; I had nothing else; and I have to learn to land flat on my ass from this; meaning; I hid in the TV set; the TV shows. thats the reality I wanted to create for myself. However, that did nothing for me in the real world but extend time. I stayed a 5 year old up into my teen years... thats all it did for me... nothing more. So; Ive got things to face; who was I at 3 years old; 4 years old. 5 years old 6 years old 7 years old. 8 years old. 9 years old; 10 years old. 11 years old.
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What was really going on here... 12 years old. I really have got to look at all this and become honest to what was really going on here. I was living in a dream world.. while the real world around me was slowly coming into my life like poison and I could do nothing about it. Today; I want to do something about it...
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Ill start with prayer to God...
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I still have a dependent personality with no power in my life. Ill gain power in my life when become an independent personality type; this will take some work... something I know nothing about; Im completely blind and have very little developed experience at or confidence... Nothing. just fear and helplessness.. We will see with Gods help if some of this can be changed... pure self actualized pathway of development; Im on my own with the universe.
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Ive been a victim for so long and anti social I ended up having to do nothing; I never had to wash my cloths; never had to keep anything clean and organized; save for anything; have anything; Ive been to mentally ill to have to do anything; I was never home... Ive been so psychotic and delusional and dissociated from reality on a constant thick basis; Ive never been present. So; Ive never had to deal with or do anything in Present. Didnt have to take care of anything including myself or any relationships or anything in the outside world... Never had to worry about a career or job; I never had any; not anything Id call home about; nothing that counted or mattered. I was always escaping; thats all I was doing; I did things to people please society..I never did anything for myself; I never functioned in the real world.
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Id like to look into what causing the fear and do something about it; I know whats causing the fear; PTSD dissociation and trauma based mental illness in such; I know that part. But what can be done about it... AVPD Agoraphobia and.. Anxiety depression and ...... on n on it goes...
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I want to face what Im running from deep inside myself; who am I; what happened!
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My mothers opinion of me.
Work with God on recreating a good mothers opinion of me. And fathers from Gods point of view; There never has been anyone their for me. But I havent been their either because my mind has been gone from the severe trauma; thus my life has ended up drifting into nothingness. And I claim I want to do something about that... Do I. Im not sure; I guess so... Into a world I have overwhelming hatred for me and see no value... I just want to live in my own world. Ill have to work with God on these things...
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I like allot of people have a natural interest in the arts; have I done anything with them; No! Why! I dont know! ego; afraid to many abusers can control me or take advantage of me. What work have I created; nothing. Id have to trust the process; I dont. I guess thats a goal; trusting the art process so I can feel safe.
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I want to hang out with architects; Why not be one; and their it is...
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My mothers opinion has allot to do with this. Ive been somewhat successful; at letting go of people from the past; at least giving it enough information to understand what they were and were not in my life. I was basically a stranger scaring people... and I was asked to leave at some point; they never wanted me in the first place; or wanted me around in the first place; they were not my friends. This is very important; because this is the type of stuff that is the foundation of a thing; and Im suggesting their was no foundation on my side. That means I had to create a delusion in my head of what I demanded it to be to be in control. Obsessive.. I guess.... Who they were; I guess is not important; it was who I made them out to be. Because I was not in control of them; they left and I was back to ground zero and I was a zero.
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Im like someone who could do great in school but could never get passed the tests because of social anxiety.. And never cared because I didnt have a home life anyway; what was the point; I had everything taken from me and no one on my side.
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Could I be a composer; No! why! Because I dont give a f__k... Why? What is it; I feel like Im going to confront bullies and people who control me and can ruin me and I dont want to expose any of that to anyone.. Ill just go to war...
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So; I have allot of pain to work through.
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Im also trying to compare myself to other people...
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I can pray about all of this; My mother is the one who I have resentments for for destroying eventing... she was a psychopath.. She was no one I was close with... not at all. So; Ill talk to God about her.
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If I wanted to really be a composer I would be creating music 14 hours a day; but I dont and I dont know why? and it has to be addressed at some point; the negative thoughts; I feel like Im just doing what others want me to do...
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I dont have my own life; someone else owns it; thats what happened in my young life; I rebelled against all things. I dont want to keep doing it for the remainder of my life... I want to do something I want to do within my life.
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So; Im not in control of my own life; Im 2 scared; and that takes me back to ages of 9 to 16.... So; Ill have to work through some of that; where everything was being destroyed around me again; my life...
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Ill pray about it. What do I want to do with my life. Do I have the patients to learn everything; the work ethic... to accomplish things... Where do I fit into...
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What do I want to do... Who am I. I keep trying to do things with no self esteem; its 2 low and I cant do anything and I want to be a star to be someone...
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Ill work with God on this; must be a way out of this tunnel.. Lots of hatred and anger and animosity... You name it...
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addiction?
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ITs like; the thoughts I have of anything; take me over and the end results in my head are that its impossible so whats the point... I have to work with God and try to bring this down to reality; I see so many negative faces of people I dont like; passive aggression when I think of giving into the work needed to become who I am.... or becoming who I am so I can do the work... What do I like doing and do it...Im scared of greatness...
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As I said; Im scared of not having a work ethic that can create greatness... Im scared of not having the character for anything; or any kind of work.
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However, I think with enough work on this subject; 12 step work or therapy or what ever; writing about my role in things; not being a victim; I may be able to free my insanity of these things so I can function at things I want to be apart of...
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Whats crazy is; I have the talent for things where I could do well; but that seems to have nothing to do with my ability to function.
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I see allot of people I want to impress because they were my friends once and dont want me now.. So; the victim roll I have to keep working on. It causes me to dissociate...
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When I think of putting notes on paper I dissociate all over the place and the most negative times in my life come up... all of it; pure brainwashing hatred.
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Ive not been around the right people or my talents or abilities...
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Ill pray about all this.
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I want out of the 12 step groups and back into society and life again... I can feel the overwhelmingness of money... Ill have to pray for money... And for the kind of life I want to live. I see my mothers face destroying me again.. bullies from 7th grade destroying me again...
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So; Im smart enough to be an Architect; But wont be one because; the work involved. I shut down into passive aggression... not feeling safe; resentments and anger and hatred. and its overwhelming and it hurts bad; the thoughts are low and horrible and thats what I have to work through; and Im scared because if I work through them Im back out into the regular people again... and that scares me because I dont want to lose everything again.... thats the romantic victim in me saying that I dont want to lose everything again; the problem is; Im doing nothing with my life.. im not going anywhere and doing anything; Im trapped at about the level of a 7 year old in this specific; I can watch cartoons and dream about the future... and start over.
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So; I have to start over from the beginning and hope to feel SAFE again..
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Ill take it all to God... first.
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