June 2025
May 2025
Going beyond First Love…
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New work and insights have just triggered the beginning of a power change. Ive now started moving inward into self; concerning my experiences and view with First Love.
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Im starting to gain freedom and power back.
In my imagination;
Its as if I was able to go home with friends and family when young; talk about the problem as it was happening; when I was associating with it; Able to work through what was happening so what ever the outcome of knowing that person or hanging around that person ( First Love); it gets solved and worked out at home; what ever that meant or the outcome; it gets worked out; Thus; I acknowledge the information of what happened or what was happening; I fix it; I see the truth. I stop all contact with that person and stay safe and move on; work with God.
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I acknowledge the information of what happened because I can; that means I have other safe places to work things out other then actually being around that person or at her home at the time.
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It means I work out what happened with that person at my home when young with support; That Fake First Love is not needed; the end result; I work through to the end; my association with them; my need for them; co dependent or just feeling I need their connection. I work through it with many others and with myself; with the processes given me by God; the hidden techniques given by God… Meaning; if I could do it over; I would work it all out away from that person and work through it.
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And, So; How is this working? Am I moving beyond First Love; YES!~ Right now; Yes!
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It just started a second ago!
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Im now able to rationalize information as if not attached to it. Im able to look at both sides somewhat… Im able to look at my side of things… learning to see where I needed to clean up my side of the street. By doing so; I don’t need her help for that.. I don’t need her help for anything. I seem to be able to do things for myself. Thus; what ever fantasy I had of her; of needing her; of the magic she would give me. Or the magic spells she would put me under that would make me feel better; Its not needed anymore because Ive gotten all of that magic somewhere else. Ive also acknowledged my neediness and mistake driven normality. Im more or completely accepting of myself being myself! Im a machine that makes mistakes. I made fundimental mistake do to mantel heath problems.
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Im a good guy; That cant be taken away…
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Im starting to feel safe from a distance…
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How realistic is this; Right now? Not completely; but its a real; and its a real start. Talk to me in 6 months if I continue this work; and Ill see if Im really interested anymore in being bugged by this persons image from my memories; I don’t think so; a grand independence is about to happen. Its already happening; I simply don’t need the memory of that person in my head anymore; it serves no purpose because everything I needed her for; Ive already figured out how to do with Gods help; She offers nothing; has nothing I want.
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NOTE: She filled in a gap; A gap where their was no growth; I was thrown away; I allowed this stranger to come into that vulnerable gap area.. This area should have been only for a psychologist. I will pay dearly for letting this sadistic monster into my personal life.
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I have no resentment or animosity; One might say Im fine… Im feeling better about myself and Ive worked hard for my present understanding and independence of getting the real me back and she is no longer needed… I needed her; Im not hungry for her or what she has to offer; Im already getting it filled; or its been filled… Im already back in my element. She is no more then Zeros n ones. She is just information on a billboard. Something completely impersonal.
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Everything about this person has been worked out enough; to a point; to a measure; to an understanding of; to a thickness of awareness; a weight; a measuring of areas and wind directions and rain potential and cloud formations in n out of reality consciousnesses… A measurement; an understanding has been associated that I was wrong and I shouldn't expect anything from this person; this person did not know me; had no information about me; was never connected to me in the first place. Was a total stranger…
It was my responsibility to communicate; I didn’t. And because that rule was not held up; Everything stops; the Play is over before it started.
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An example of laws and requirements; a philosophical view point for seeking the greater concept of wisdom.
Think of an outdoor event; Someone wants to put on a dance and show with a live band; food drinks and the selling of items for a night of lavish fun and entertainment. They dream of talking to all the towns people and working through the legal red tape. But alas; They never do it… They never first seek legal counsel on the real approach to taking this idea and turning it into a thing.
However; they make one grand mistake. On Friday night; they began to block off a street down town; put up chairs and tables… They put up a giant dance floor and hier a band.
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Suddenly out of nowhere; Cops show up asking what they are doing. It is explained to the cops that a show and dance will be put on that night. The cops ask them for legal permits. However; legal permits they do not have.. And suddenly the cops order them to tear it all down. IT is over before it starts.
Yes; they had grand ideas of a wonderful night of dancing and music and beer flowing and bands playing but they did not follow the legal rules; They did not seek permission. And thus; its over before it starts… It never started.
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It never started
It never started
It never started.
It was over before it started…
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And with First Love; It never started; It was long over before it ever started; And that may be what I was in turmoil about; That the potential appeared great but because of smaller red tape issues; I would never know; I separated from the person before anything ever started; I simply watched and observed the potential.. But because I did not act upon it; suddenly without warning it was over. IT was over before it started..
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NOTE: I was not suppose to be their; I was not suppose to ever meet this person!
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Today I have a higher power and a new life brewing. Their is no need for a First Love; Like when young. Certainly I expect God to bring me on in my asking at this point. However; Im not needing what I was needing for when young; all of that has been worked out in my life with the help of God man recovery process and my willingness to keep knocking on Gods door. Im getting my needs met.
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Ive gotten the attention and love Ive needed in the present; Non of it is a secret anymore…
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The inside of me is getting satisfied and worked through; noticed, loved; loved by Man; loved by self; forgiven by man by self and By God; Loved wholly by God Universe Holy spirit; Jesus and Angels. And other Stars that run the executive order of the Universe; For they are alive and feel and breath as living things in their own right; they think and are aware; for they are our mothers and fathers from the outer reaches of space… The Giant stars are Jesus and God and Holy spritus… And the Angels; I don’t know; I accept they are my protectors… I assume the Angels are smaller segments of stars… I don’t know what they are; its never been revealed to me. Ive seen God Ive seen Jesus; but no other… Not that I know of… They are Stars…
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So; This First Love is turning into information… Like watching a TV show… While Im safely living a life somewhere safe… And Im not connected to the information of First love. I don’t need to be… I have all that I need. Its like I got transferred to another planet and Im living out my life on that other planet where there is plenty of love and family and caring. I don’t care who First Love is anymore; or what happened. Well I do care what happened; its not over yet; but its on its way out. And the more I work on this; the deeper aspects of MY ROLE IN THIS… The more I can take what is mine and move on… I take back what Is mine; what was so freely given. And I go back to Gods sovereign state.
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Im getting in touch with that inner part of me; the real deep part of me; it is getting touched discovered; working on; looked at looked over. God is mending and working with the inner me; the child in me; the one that God hurt by First Love. God has been working with that child.. with the ME CHILD… ME! And Im getting and have gotten all the love I needed and attention from God and man that I needed; I don’t need it from First Love anymore. Im learning how to take care of myself now; And Im loving myself through God and man and self… And my life is coming back online again in a different new direction.
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Its as if I got my arm ripped off; God grew a new one; a new arm other talents and abilities that will take me into other directions; its new; and Im new; and I get to go in new directions; I get to do this all over again; This time under the care of the Angels and God in Gods sovereign state.
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Who ever these monsters were from that time period; This First Love… They are gone now! And I have a new life….
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So; its not perfect; Im not strong enough yet… Im discovering and reporting as It all develops. 6 months will tell more of this story as I slowly try to come to grips with reality and change…
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Its not over yet; there are still pockets of neglect and pain.
But my memories have more of the real me in them now; Not weirdo scumbags from the past that tried to set me up and destroy me…
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Anyway; Slowly this First Love concept is slowly fading away; She is turning into just a stranger I would have seen on a TV show! OF no account.
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Who or what ever this was; is of no account now; Not needed. Im getting taken care of; God is taking care of me now… and has been. My life has grown back into many tributaries and continues to grow…
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As for women. When Im stronger; God will bring me a wife. It might be sooner then I think. I don’t know… Ill trust God; but this time; I go through God. And Ive got lots of friends I can talk to about things and the recovery process and therapists and many others to keep me strait inline down the God pathway.
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She would have to be an Angel from God; A helper; Some some Demon like before; some murderer.
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Not all is perfect. Im just reporting the new findings of things. Amen.
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NOTE: The hardest thing to deal with is what is behind letting go of First Love. What ever it is; I cant handle it… I have to self power or protection. Ive had to hide behind first love all these years; I think it has to do with self worth. At least I could imagine I had some kind of worth while thinking I was creating a relationship with First Love; But I wasnt. And that fact leaves me as a Nobody; Something I could not handle. It was like; It was my only hope… and it was gone.
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THE REALITY OF WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH FIRST LOVE: AND GETTING HELP TO GET OVER IT:
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First love; was about my mental health; being basically schizoid… Seeing things in a socially schizophrenic way.
So; concerning First love.
Its as if I walked into a bank; and talked with a bank teller. And everyday I came back to the bank and did some banking; and talked to the same bank teller; However; I fell in love with her ACTUALLY BELIEVING we were building a relationship together; meaning; Potential; I would be to innocent to know the different; I just didn’t know! And after a year; The later part of the year; I realized things just were not going right; Something was wrong and she seemed distant when I went in to talk with her. I just didn’t understand why! Finally upset; Id had enough; id already been in love with her; whats wrong with this situation; of course; the bank teller would not know anything about this…
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Well; finally destroyed and broken hearted; I leave and don’t go back; forever destroyed. Its not till later in the recovery process; After working steps concerning resentments; And working with the universe; I began to understand I was never in a relationship with the bank teller. That person was simply being friendly or nice for the social necessity; it was their job. They were never interested in me. They had no interest in me; nothing. I didn’t really even know who they were… Nothing; they were a complete stranger… I meant nothing to them. Even further then that; it was their job to interact with the public; Why could I get that…
So; if I look at this correctly; It means I was mistaken. Their was nothing their; I was talking to the wrong person. What this means; I really was never suppose to talk to them in the first place; or know them or meet them; They were never on Gods agenda for any reason for me to associate with. I made a big big mistake.
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NOW; The goal is to keep working through this until I can wake up…
Until I can wake up that this is my -problem; I was never suppose to just go out into the public and act so schizophrenic with strangers. Dissociated from reality. That is my problem. I was not suppose to act schizophrenic with anyone; That is the point!~
Why this is taking so long I don’t know; accept I really bought into the idea or the false memories of closeness I had with this person when no such thing occurred; I made it up in head. I guess it was a survival mechanism for loneliness or; felt I could never get anyone or no one was interested in me and never had been. I was a throw away and desperate for some-kind of success in that area; something; anything. Socially; but unfortunately I would never find what I was looking for; not the way I was approaching things.
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NOTE: So; I attempted when young to break out into the world and create my own relationships; I was destroyed trying and I dropped out for the rest of my life. I was ruptured; damaged; could no longer function anymore… First Love; I tried to create a relationship; but just like trying to create a relationship with a bank teller at the bank; I was sadly mistaken; schizoid; fractured reality. I was not present; delusional. I was talking to a stranger and making things up in my head. It will not end well; Ill be abandon… They will run off to get away from me. I will not learn what is really going on until it is to late.
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Its my Job to look at my role and thats all; what was my role in it; To use the Bank teller example for learning purposes. It means I wake up and realize I was hitting on a Teller or I was so mentally out of it; that when the teller was just being job friendly; Like shes suppose to; I took it in some delusional state of unreality until reality came crashing down and I was crushed by it. I was crushed when I realized I had never really been building anything with this person; it was all in my mind. I woke up realizing I was mistaken. The person I was dealing with had no sensitivity or could careless.
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I did not lose someone I loved; I did not have a love. That was a teller; the same thing; I have to wake up. Thats what Im trying to do now; “Its awful and its awfully hard. And I think its hard because the fantasy is over and I come back down to reality where Im just this boring nobody who had nothing. And thats what Ive got to offer. And I have to learn to stop avoiding and get help and get friends and learn to meet people and be myself.. With the right SAFE people.
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Concerning the Teller example. In a real sense; she is NOT SAFE FOR ME> I mean; its not safe for me to do something like that; put all my eggs into one basket and believe some Bank Teller likes me and we are heading toward a relationship; That is not safe for; that will cause my internal self to rupture and I will be so wounded I wont be able to function anymore…
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Putting myself in unsafe situations where I think Im innocent and safe; only to find out I will be destroyed; This is not the way to live. I need help and safety and I need to be around safe people; safety in numbers…
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AS I MOVE FORWARD:
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I can feel it; Never think any of this is easy; Those thoughts do take over or show up. And going through it now; the loss; the pain; broken heartedness; I can feel it. Its still got a hold of me As I adjust into the present… And I will. Its not all gone… The problem with reality is not gone… Its still here; alive and well…
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