June 2025
May 2025
The girl up the street".
As Ive mentioned before in here; " the girl up the street" was my first love. However, was she; was she really? I dont think so.
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I was played brutally; thats all it was; a brute; a female brute; a player; a liar... The only reason I fell for it was innocence... Nothing more... I thought all people were nice... that is was I was destroyed.
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She got tired of me; tired of playing with me and moved on... Actually; thats not true. She had already been seeing other guys. I was the one in denial; I had the idea I could be with her for ever no matter what; simply because I was in the same proximity with her; it didnt work that way; she was never safe and could never be trusted. but I wanted to change all that..
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In the end; much later; I called her for the last time and asked her if she wanted to do home work together; she said no; and that was that... She had no more interest in me; and that means she never had any interest in me in the first place; I was just being played the whole time..
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I have to look back at all the memories and change them; see this for th snake she was; she was nothing more than this and its my job to continue with this until I see it sharply for what it was.
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The problem is; I dont want to admit I got HAD... I dont want to admit I Got played by a player that was just bored and had nothing else to do for a little while. Im mad because I allowed it..
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I allowed this person to play me; why? I acted like their would be no consequences; Why? I acted like I was powerful and she was safe and could be trusted; she would trust me if she really knew me? But why be in denial about the fact she could not be trusted; I told myself I was in control here. That she should like me she will trust me and never turn on me; thats not what happened. I was turned on the whole time. Thus; I was around the wrong person; but im still in denial about it...
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Im still keep this alive and in denial about it.. about the truth and my role in it...
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Since Ive never had a first love; maybe I think God will let it happen with the right person... Ill meet the right person God sends to me...
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I might have wanted a first love; I might have wanted allot of things. But I never trusted anyone... I found myself at someone elses house; and didnt care... but then I didnt care about anything anyway... I was under a greater level of stress from a destroyed de franchised life... where no one cared about me.
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I just wanted a place to live; a place to stay... I wanted somewhere new with new people; I was so tired of those monsters; I just wanted a new place to live and with new people. They had already destroyed every dream I had; I just wanted out; I was extremely dissociative and far from reality...
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I did not care where I ended up.. or what happened to me.
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I did not tell them the real truth; the truth of why I was there... if I had they would have told me to move on... I could not stay with them... They did not need a house sitter..
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I lied...
I manipulated my way in; like a burglar... I knew they were estranged; meaning a complete stranger. I lied; I mirrored what I thought they wanted to see; I knew I could not complete to be with in personal range of them; I guess I was just so tired of having to be something just to survive; I could never be the nice me/any part of me/no one wanted it.. fighting back was useless...
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I just needed a place to stay; to live...
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I merrier'd the person. What ever it would take to fool them. I never believed anything could come of it... I just wanted a place to be... to sit; maybe a friend; but not really; just a place; I was mentally ill.
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The work Im doing know is to see myself mentally ill at that time and right now in this time; And see that I was delusional.. And I needed a safe place to go because my mind was ruptured. Ultimately they did not let me stay. They didnt really want to get to know me... They wanted something from me... something I did not have. and they booted me and that really shook me up... I wanted this new life; this new place to stay.
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Id actually need a hospital; thats what I needed... a mental hospital; my mind was damaged...
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I did not have a friend up the street... I did not have a friend anywhere; and that is where the denial is... and Ill keep working on this until it does not exist anymore; That the only reason I go up streets at the time was to take advantage of people so I could find a new place to live; a new place to be; a new place to escape to; thats all it was; but escape tho... New stomping grounds... No! New place to protection and safety... my mind was hurt... What I found was not safe; and I did not understand that until it was 2 late... and I was destroyed again... I thought I had found a home...
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I wanted to kidnap people and make them my mom and DAD. So I could use them as a therapeutic tool and get better... But they would never let me... and at times I found myself lying to them to get into their houses so they would take care of me. But not really; actually it was to live out my delusion of what I wanted things to be that were not; within my reality or the house I was living in. I did not and could not look at that; I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I hated being their... or around those weirdos... those losers... I just wanted to go home.... thats all I ever wanted.
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The people at these others houses were shadow people; I never saw them; I had dissociative disorder and ever thing was distant to me; all people even if they were close up next to me or around me; they were like images on a TV screen; nothing was real and nothing distant; more like everything Was outside a 6 foot solid wall..
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I was lacking in personal power and I needed to hook into the other person for personal power... Power I did not have on my own; it had already been drained being around my mother and father. I dont like calling them mother or father; they were more like criminals..
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So the idea is; if I didnt hit on the person its because I never wanted them nor wanted to get near them; and I didnt... I just wanted a place to rest; a place to stay; I wanted to use them for a place to stay because my mind was over ran to many times and I was suffering from severe PTSD; and I had no one. And no one cared about me. And I was truly all alone in the world and had nowhere to go; nothing.
Being trapped like this is the way the psychopath sets it up...
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survival mode: Thats what it is..
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Maybe if I explained to the other person whats going on; but why would they allow me to stay; they didn't even know me or know the real me... I meant nothing to them; literally; how could I; I never did anything with them; never really talked to them; never made a first move on them; nothing; I was catatonic is what I was; I just needed a place to stay...
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It was no different when I was a little boy; I was doing the same thing with people in my house hold and trying to find outside friends that would help or could help; thats all I did because I was damaged.
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I was ruffed up bad when I attempted this tuff as a teenager; it was around the wrong people and got turned on... badly.
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So; Im seeing myself come out of trauma bonds; fantasy bonds. psychotic bonds; dissociative bonds... Ive had allot of bonds to things to help me survive.. or break me down and kill me... I had to hold on to many things so I could believe I had hope...
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I do not believe I loved anyone... I was looking for the corner of a living room with a couch to rest from the severe PTSD and what it did to my brain; my brain as ruptured and I needed a place to hide to be left alone; so; I went to other peoples houses to hide... what did I care who they were... I didnt even remember them... but I remember why I was there... I was using them. and in some cased they through me out and would not let me survive and I remember the horror of that...
and how I hated them or was scared off them because they turned out to be the same kind of monsters I was trying to escape and that caused more breakdowns.. and fear... fear I could not escape ever from anything...
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Ive been here before I think; alone wondering whats next; slowly recovering to the point of asking God how or when I will make the next move to what I want. I will succeed at things slowly. Im getting to the point that things are possible.
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Im getting to the point of letting go of the past and understanding I will slowly learn how to do the things I want to do.
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As for the past; its slowly losing interest and ground; simply because I was lying... in my trauma bond and delusional state I conjured up lies about what happened. I said before that a delusion Was my minds way of creating hope... a hope bond.. Addicted to the outcome of hope... this kept me alive... not for ever... at the end it crumbled.
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Things are different for me now... Things are possible and possible for several reasons; as the past leaves its because ive conquered it. I devalued it until I had no reason but to simply walk out of the bunkers into no mans land and walk away... The fighting had long since seised...
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Can I accomplish things; Yes; slowly with work; but first; we will see. I mean; yes; but with much labor and work... We will see; but; yes.... But we will see if my Brain is up to the task...
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I almost think ive become a different person... Ive had to in order to survive and hope to ever make things happen for myself; ive had to become a different person...
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Im the same person but had to conquer great battles.
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The past has shown that I had no interest in anything but to survive from PTSD; I cared about nothing else. Everything I thought had value was dead and I was dead with it.. IT was all taken from me...
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Im not sure how I could have known; but God made everything and everything a alive so if everything was gone I still had a chance I guess. I mean; no one could have been in that past life and known about this life or how to obtain it... But its happening now.
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Im sure things will slowly go in my favor. Technically Ive never had a real friend; like a best friend; nor a girlfriend; Not a real one. Everything ended for me after the second grade... And unfortunately; I had unwanted people around me even then... but I didnt know who they were; I mean; who they really were...
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As I get stronger Ill attempt new things.
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I will be married at some point and experience this... and many other things before my time.. But not yet. Im still in the trenches yet; its still fighting; its not over yet... but almost... still need to naturalize the enemy...
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Im now working on lyrics for songs; horrible calamity with PTSD. Cant memorize a thing.. Ill get their... it will happen from plain work... Work will come back to me when I feel safe enough to live again. Ill push it a bit; The memorizing of lyrics will come... and from their Ill create songs and perform them...
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Ill keep working with GOd.
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I haver to lose this damn weight; damn food; its no good...it just make a person gain weight. wasn't always life this... The food is no good; not good for ya...
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I can lose weight but could not keep it off because I had no reason... Ill have to look at this. Habit killed me again.
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Im slowly learning the habit of keeping things clean; its about changing my addictive behavior... as I wake up mentally from the dissociative disorder.
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Im having to build my life myself. This was not the case of the people I knew when young; they had help all their lives.. I have God but nothing in common with those people.
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One might say its a hardship....But I dont know... at least its my life... I own it... But ill have to learn to protect it.. not let it get walked on...
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With Gods help all things happen. My life is not back yet; but its close; but its not back yet. In this life I prove it first. And then I talk about it.
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Work is the answer to a mans dreams... any kind of work.. But things are accomplished through work... When a man has hope and God and his past slowly diminishing into ruble thus sand to mist; soon nothing is left but a silent field of grass and a long walk back to civilization. And with dreams are work...
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All things are blue color work; song writing and performing; marriage... sacrificing; all work... nothing free... But if I am be back in his rightful mind and purposes; work is a good thing; its a knowledge of things... Work is what is left when fantasies die out...
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I realize with work all things can be accomplished.. When a man is in reality; all things are possible; meaning a man is sober... clear headed.
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ITs not easy making through a broken betrayed childhood where a child a split into; basically killed of by jealous murder's. But it is possible; Im a walking example of this but its not over yet; or started yet; the world on the other side; Im building toward that; but it has tho; Im already on the other side beginning to build again shortly.
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As for the "girl up the street" ; I never wanted her. If I did I would have gone out with her! I never wanted her. That is why I never went out with her... I was just using her... I wanted her out of the way... so I could use what I wanted; I was in survival mode and using was of the day.. I did not even remember anything about her. But I think later when I came to my senses; I realized their might have been someone their that actually liked me; and I begin to feel remorse I think.. But thats not true; Their was no one their that liked me. I wrote this last sentence because Im still delusional. Im not out of my fantasy bond yet. Havent done enough writing on the subject yet...
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