June 2025
May 2025
Friend to Friend..
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So; after God is helping me work through the past. Suddenly Im working with God down the God pathway; and I can see and feel friend to friend with women; The idea of finding friends with women again… I can see the inside of them and they being friends with me and I with them. I can see friendship period.
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So; This means; Women that are praying to meet someone to be friends with and they are running through a God pathway; and friendship means something because friendship means everything to God… EVERYTHING!
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GOD IS BASED ON FRIENDSHIP… GOD IS FRIENDSHIP…
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So…
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When I meet people who are Godless; I have no attraction to them because of that. Im not suggesting they are suppose to find me physically attractive or something. Im just suggesting; friendship through God comes first. And its up to me to work with God to attract at the right frequency down a God Pathway… Friendship…. Its up to me to leave the Godless alone. Those people see nothing in me. I mean nothing to them. Its my responsibility to work with God on what God is bringing down my pathway…
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Music;
Im to scared or something. Why am I not committed and listening to a thousand music vids to create a band. Why am I fat..
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What has happened to my life…
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Im like Im not able… Im dis able…
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why?
I should be watching a thousand videos all day long; lyrics all day long; what am I doing… ?
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I wont attempt anything. I don’t get it; Im like stuck in a body that wont take any chances.. I don’t want to get destroyed. Its got a life of its own and wont move.
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Ill have to work with God on directions.
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Anything I want; it gets shot off…
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if I was in a band; Id have to get really skinny… And I would be motivated; why am I not.
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I could be writing real songs; but its like everything else; I never do anything…
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A negative side takes over almost immediately.
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I could be practicing guitar but Im not
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I had a thought; but it seems like God is not allowing these things; Ill pray about it… I don’t understand who I am or where I fit in. Identity problems.
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Atleast I got the beginning aspect of friendship back… God did this for me.
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Maybe God can take me on a journey to get my musical self back… Performer music identity.
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It happened for friendship…
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I wonder if God can do it for music creation or God wants me to stay out of it. I just don’t know…
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Maybe I don’t want to know. I don’t get it.
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Im getting; im getting fat. And Ive done recovery with my life and not much else.
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Why am I not skinny with some tats play’n chilli Peppers hit songs… I mean seriously.
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How do I get this thing started so I can live my life.
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I have this Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde personality of complete opposites. One side is trying to kill me; the other is trying to help me.
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What am I doing with my life; what does God want me to do with my life…
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I guess I can start the process; maybe its just been to much for me…
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Im feeling it…
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Like I said; I broke through with friendship stuff from the past… That means I get to start over…
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MARRIAGE;
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I got to watch it. Its 2 easy to get married… I mean that… Way to easy. Its 2 easy to meet the wrong people. Lots a people front’n; 2 months later the real them shows up and its like; O God! What have I done; Im married to this psycho…
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I mean; its really something to think about.
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I got no money. Its easy to marry a girl. So easy; So hard to keep her after a month or 2 when the story book shadows disappear and she wants her 2500 Bucks for rent! Then what do I do; Do I watch the side men show up; the shadow men in her backdoor fantasies… I mean really…
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I got to work with God on this stuff…
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So; The Friendship stuff is or has comeback. Im seeing it; I see a girl( women); I see her friendship in my imagination. And I see whats most important to me; My friendship to connect with her friendship; all under the power of the Universe; Jesus God; Angels. Holy spirit! The Golden Kingdom… GOD! That Star that beams and looks at me with warmth; and the other; I assume its his son… One is white; one is blue…. The white star beams down on me from above a little to the back. The blue star beams on me from the front from above… Alignment.
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Ill ask God; what am I suppose to do…
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When it comes to the arts; I get it; im suppose to work on things. But am I suppose to be a wild performer…
Dear God help me.
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Ill start working on it; And ask God for help… Its all so shut down and shut off and incognito and its like Im a shadow in the walls.
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I just don’t get it…
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Direction God…
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SONG WRITING:
Working on it; its so Hard; so very very hard for me ( I feel so stupid). Im so Spoiled and ruined from it; I had everything paid for when I was young for a while; long enough to destroy me. Wasn't my mother and father; another relative.. And they were abusing me… I was enabled; I mean; it was just bizarre… No life in it; but didn’t have to do anything to gain everything and I didn’t have to make any decisions. Ruined I guess… no value for anything; learned to be in a state of learned helplessness and just live that way.
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Here I am now trying to play catch up… trying to learn how to learn and be part of something be present to something.
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So; Im working with God on all this stuff.
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Theirs fear; sexual abuse; bulling… lots of stuff..
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So Song Writing; Very hard to stay at it slowly building something; making something happen out of nothing. Really scares me to be opened up that much… Ill pray about it.
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I seem to be scared to see myself out with a guitar or something playing my songs or something. Maybe its an identity thing.
NOTE: (slowly building something); Here is what I need to hear… Just stick with this please; just pray about it and stick with it.
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I was listening to sum Hot Chili Peppers… California songs… Why cant I just go do that? Get some fake tats; try to lift a little weight; shoulder problems. Go slow; take it slow.. loose all the fat. Go make songs; go play them… Get kind a lean n mean… Ill pray about it.
I have D.I.D.
Still; Im not doing nothing.
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I almost want to get sick having to work on this stuff.. this whole concept of things…
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it could be Im poor; I mean; Im not rich right now; don’t have a house I guess. I guess thats part of it; but when will the excuses stop… and I actually do something; anything! Thats what I will be taking to God.
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Dissociative Disorder; Identity problems; This is also a huge problem. Right Now; Tonight I feel like a rocker.. I see myself as a rocker; but tomorrow I see myself as a classical pianist who needs to study Bach… and for that night Im all in; but the next day it all changes; Then its like Im a little Christian boy from 1962 and Im watching church clay-mation shows of Davy and Goliath.
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I find myself just stuck in the chair never doing anything or working on anything. Its like Im stuck. I don’t believe in anything or attempting anything; I might say I am; but in reality; nothing.
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However; I have been so mentally ill. I really couldn’t do anything before.
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I saw this girl tonight at one of the meetings; I looked at her; she used to like me. That was a long time ago but the point is; she seemed like someone who wanted to be friends with me. And I thought; Dear God; I could be friends with anyone before. Was I suppose to be friends with her… I guess not; I wasnt ready… nothing makes any sense…
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So; Im in a new season of my life. Ill pray about being productive. I just want to be someone dedicated to something; anything. Just show some resilience to giving up on everything or not ever starting anything.
Sure; I get it; I told myself I was way to smart to be part of the world; sure; I get it… but I never built a life either; was that smart. Now what do I do.
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SO; I seem to care about life again; So; Im working with God on how to start something.
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I told people tonight at a meeting; when I was young I would have gladly walked away from the codependency I was experiencing; walked into the school system; ( if I was me like I am now); I would have walked into the school system to the teachers; I would have told them look; help me; Ill have to start out in all remedial classes because I had been flunking school since first grade… Please help me. Ill start out any way you want; just allow me; let me get started at ground zero again and get this things figured out so I have some kind of future building for myself. I can see myself now; taking responsibility.
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So; I GET To do things today; thats the kind of attitude I want toward a life of my interests; The problem is; I don’t even know Identity wize; what are my real interests or am I copping on someone elses so I can socially fit in.
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Who am I really. What am I suppose to do with my life. Do nothing because its safer or easier or Im hiding in a deep cave where no one can find me ever…
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I just dong believe in anything…
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I care about being alive; I just don’t believe in stepping out into the world and getting run over; drawn or be headed anymore; or smashed or hit by giant buses full of horribleness of life! Its kind of like; if I was just a little bit stronger and could face or deal with just a little bit more; what would I be doing..
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Ill pray and meditate.
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Right now; song writing; the work ethic process; One thing I can do; Pic a song of someone else; and work toward it sounding like that song; the production… Will I do that… Ive got to learn to stick to things… man o man!
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