July 2025
June 2025
At a meeting; more n more in the recovery process; the universe continues to give me answers to my questions.
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What is the purpose of creating Art! Why should I? This was (WAS)the big dilemma; What am I doing this for...
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Here is the simple answer the universe gave me at the table this morning at a meeting; ITs of the nature of bigger generalized questions I asked several or numerous months ago(YEARS AGO); And the answer is?
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"TO KEEP ME OUT OF TROUBLE"!
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And there is the universal answer I received; same answer many parents lecture their children about getting a job and saving money; because; TO KEEP ME OUT OF TROUBLE"
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Lets add some other ideas to this.
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Why have a girlfriend ?
Why have a car?
Answer: TO KEEP ME OUT OF TROUBLE!
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I'm trying to make a larger philosophical point here; Certainly; jokes can be made about several of these topics and debated; one can argue; if they don't actually cause more trouble then there worth; However, I think I'm making my point.
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Back to the Art question; Why should do art; create art!
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"TO KEEP ME OUT OF TROUBLE"
This kind-a puts the answer where it should be; on to my well being..
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I should create art because it keeps me inline within society and not off on a wide pathway of troubles... I keeps me grounded and focused; it teaches me how to get good at something I like to do and then learn how to take it further and maybe make a career of it or at least find an identity in it and sell my work; just keep going and developing it. It keeps me out a trouble; and there it is.
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And this brings up another question; if I have things I like to do; why haven't I been doing them all along.
The answer is; Mental illness/brokenness/ hostility resentments... Being broken out of society. Trauma bond brainwashing..... Because Im stupid and dont care about anything and I stumble into trouble and find myself in ditch... So; Create Art work and keep myself out a trouble.
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Sanity is the real answer to this; it means Im no longer in the past with my art; its now in the present with me as if Im an 8 year old with no history and I want to create art...
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So; the sanity comes in the form of understanding its brought to its basic concept that it would be better for me to create art then not; for my well being in general; thus; why haven't I just been creating Art the whole time Ive been alive... And why do I create Art ( To Keep Me Out OF Trouble).
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CARS
Here's another question of great importance. What's my problem with cars; having one; procuring one? Answer: Past negative experiences...
The first answer to why I and cars never found themselves together; I was all alone in survival mode.
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I was a teenager; but in a trauma land; trauma state and hiding and hiding emotionally and mentally from those around me; I was in a trauma state. trauma bonded survival mode; terrified.. Lost. had no one; no one cared about me or what happened to; completely alone; survival mode. No maturity or growth; only defense... silent defense most of the time. No interest in anything... I had no foundations that were on my side; nothing. So; things like cars didnt matter to me nor did girlfriends... or money or anything else. I needed to get out of the situation I was in but had no answers for that. I was 2 young to have answers for this.
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Cars; I remember my brother having cars and he got to have all the cars and car experiences; I had non and no one cared; He was a sociopath so he didnt care if anyone cared about me. I did not understand my brother at the time; unfortunately I will understand; but he was all ready heading toward being an sociopath.
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So; having to drive other peoples cars when no one cared if I ever had a car or what happened to me; Nothing for me; meaning; no love no training nothing. I didnt exist; nothing. Did this make sense? After being thrown away when young; Im barely hanging on; and a straggler. Im silently showing up in the background... Im not developing; no one cares... So; teenage development doesn't matter at the time; there is no teenage development; just sorrow and confusion. When normal kids? are developing; I was not during that time period; So; I never developed past childhood. If I was to go beyond childhood; Id have to be in safe spaces and I was not. Thus; things like women or cars schooling, talents were out; never happen... So; I missed that development. I never really had my own car; or bought my own car or had to plan for my own car; Nothing. I never had to work with an idea and make the idea happen financially. I never had anything or wanted anything; I just wanted love; but never had anything... I tried to reach out to the outside world; but my arms were cut off doing so; bit off is a better word for it; I was not accepted no matter where I went.
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I made sure to double down my personality and not give an inch about anything around these criminals and monsters... But the fact was; I had no other place to go; no other people or cities or alternatives. The only other place I could go was a false friend I had false confidence with... I ended up at his house; dont know why his mother allowed it but the reasons were not good; In fact; its along the lines that I was such a loser and inferior; she should help out because I was literally stupid or on the verge of retarded idiot moron; literally meaning; no IQ or low IQ and misfit idiot in society that could not do more then nail 2 pieces of wood together; loser not able have success because I was a loser... Thats how they thought; I did not know; I had absolutely no idea these people thought me inferior. However, looking back; signs were everywhere that these people did not have any respect for me or value; that they devalued me to a level of animal; but that didnt mean anything to me; I was 2 young and did not understand the consequences of associating with monsters like this. I will learn and when I do; I will leave and not return; and it was a most hideous horrible damaging heartbreaking experience.
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Her excuse for helping me out? Here son needed to be socialized for college... She said the same thing when I was a small boy; that the only reason I was allowed into there house was to socialize there son... Thats why I was allowed in. I laughed or gagged at such nonsense when I was a small boy; I wondered what these people were talking about; I was just a little kid going to a friends house; what was up with these people; Later; I would find out; They were no friends of mine.
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In all of this; no one around to present a safe situation for me to be a teenager; that I can get up to speed with my own development that naturally leads to an interest in cars and driving and expanding my state view. I had to go into incognito to survive. No one cared about me or what happened to me... I was not loved by anyone.
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something about reality I cannot be apart of from the first days of my life and it will get much worse. My self esteem and self worth... Defense mode.
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One major problem; For me to survive; Id have to learn from the beginning how to survive in reality. I never did. It was more like I was kept... I was not developed.
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I thought because I had a father and brothers that people who would care about my development; and I thought I would meet nice friends and they would care about my development; it never happened that way in the real world; I had no one... and no one wanted to be friends with me or cared; nothing... I was no value to everyone... That does not mean Im not valuable; it means the world and my fantasy life did not match up... Its possible that better people existed outside that sphere of horror...
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Cars n Fathers;
Cars are tied into my self esteem and self worth. Cars have been tied to my identity since birth; since both father and brothers had much to do with cars; Whats more important is; Im not associated with anything nor is my development. I look back in horror and shock realizing no one is looking out for me or helping me develop; nothing.
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Also the abandonment of a father. Since no father; I refused to go any further with fatherly son things. I devoid of all things child/father would do together including cars and building cars and having dates in cars and thus; taking the date home to my father and show her off and see if he approves of me becoming a man; all such things were destroyed; no father; so I went underground in a sense within myself. All development stopped when young. I was developing as a child for the first couple of years; but looking back; that was because of early surroundings. In reality; I would watch television shows and escape into those television shows imagining what it would be like when I was developed and older. I would feel developing when young; but in reality; I was just watching TV and never developed.
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So; cars were and are associated with very bad broad segment of my time on planet earth... So; Ill have to do the work to work on this problem of cars; to have a car. Interesting; it seems to go back to my father; my time with my father; the problem with cars; cars were his thing and not mine; some how I did this out of respect for him when very young; like 4-5 years old. I gave up my identity so he could have his. I would take a backseat on my interests and allow my father to be himself. I also did this with my brother also; they got to play the blue collar worker.. I was in a fantasy as to what i would be or become. Later I will realize what a mistake id made; for no one was looking out for my identity or allowing it to grow; no one cared. I didnt exist.
Not knowing; it was wrong of me to do so; not to develop; because it negated me out of the picture of life. Possibly by allowing my father and brother to be themselves; this was a passive move on my part that would allow me to have a position within this family system... if I branched out early I would have found myself outside the family system from the start; I would have realized no one wanted me or my opinion or my life and I would become alienated from those people; and I needed those people to survive.
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What I didnt know; I was falling into the plans of the sociopath/ psychopath; just like they wanted. In the end; I had no identity; and certainly no identity dealing or having cars. In fact; no one ever brought the subject of cars up to me; nothing; but then no one ever cared about my development ever!
My father and brother both were into cars and machinery; but looking back; no one cared what I was into or who I was; nothing! Looking back; Im in shock...
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What does this all mean; not being associated with cars; giving up my identity for my brother and my father to have theyre Identities; not developing; staying in a quite dream world.
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What does all this means; it means I step out and learn about cars for myself; what they are and how I can own one and what it takes to own one working with my highers help. I develop myself...
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So; the car thing goes back to personal development; There was none!
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SO;
Im seeing cars; Im interested in them;
I have to go back to the beginning of my life and open things up concerning cars; vocations; vacations; relationships; money; everything; Because I was drowned out of my own identity; I allowed others to have identities and I buried mine; What I didnt know; later the same people would attempt to bury me; burry me alive and murder me out of existence; fake friends and some relatives did the same thing; No one wanted me or liked me; seemed they were more inconvenienced by me. They all thought they were superior; I was hated or not thought of at all. I was a ghost that didnt exist.
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When young; I naturally buried my normal developmental of self; my interests or desires. Maybe I did this out of a deep fear when younger; maybe I new something was wrong. I had all these wonderful goals and desires. When I became an older child from a young child or became a teenager or older teenager I would make these things happen. Non of them happened; I was pulled out of my life and robbed of those experiences.
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Now; I'm fighting to uphold my identity of having relationships and money and career and car...
The goal is to work through these problems; and get rid of the negative past stuff associated with them. The goal is develop grow upward; one might say. I don't like using that terminology but it fits here; it fits in my circumstances. Because of arrested development and developmental trauma disorder; I stayed within the confounds of my own cage or cave; a small child was I.
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So; I have to go back to the beginning; maybe; back to nursery school and go back and re write my situation. Ill work with God on all this stuff.
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Car thoughts trigger mental illness;
Disabling level terror horror and trauma and loss play a major role in all of this; re triggering lots of PTSD is what's going to happen here; dissociative disorder; and I'm going to shut down. The dissociative disorder is in the heart of this time period of a teenager; the time a teenager learns about the interest of having a girl and a car; and school and college and work and so forth.. Work is a whole other matter.
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TODAY;
So; I could only take the noon meeting for 1/2 hour; I just couldn't listen to it anymore... I headed to the park; I road my bike around. came home.
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At the meeting I started looking at my parents role when young and brothers roles with me. and I realized that no one was developing me. I looked at it from a more recovery matured angle and thus; I started to imagine steps within my imagination; a gap resides where I'm at to the goal of car. I imagined 10 steps; but then it hit me quickly; this will take more then 10 steps; after time; I tried 100 steps in my imagination and on paper; My God; I could feel it; I was getting somewhere; I could feel those steps walking over my broken ruptured self; I could do it; it was like really soft clay with mud, It was squishy because I was all bent up and torn up and knifed up; it was trauma land... and I was walking through it; I was good; I definitely triggered many things; but more important; I was walking down my own pathway; a pathway not touched for a long time.
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So; Im walking down the car pathway with Gods help. The interesting thing is; this is exactly where I was when 8 years old; walking down these streets in my imagination. And now I realized Im doing it again now. THis is beyond fantastic; if I can keep this up; Ill be working on my own trauma. No one from the past or the past has to come back; Im simply working where I left off... just a smooth continuation is what this really is; and it looks like its happening.
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Im also happy about the movement forward in my imagination concerning a car; it doesnt mean I have one; just means Im really interested in getting one; and Im starting to fight for it and do the work for it.. the best I can right now. I still dont know what kind of car; and Im even Shure it matters right now; Im in the middle of doing other work; so Ill keep writing about how far I get.
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Walking the trauma develop path... SO; Im seeing 100 steps to my finish; for practice; So; Ill work with that over n over n over in my imagination; and how it feels and keep going; and if I have to 1000 steps; in my imagination; Ill do it; no problem; over n over n over; and practice with it...
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THe key is to do the work over n over; working with a higher power until its about my ambition and interest and desire and it has nothing to do with yesterday; it has to do with today and working with GOd today on these things.
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PROBLEMS:
I get triggered madly from childhood; early childhood and sexual trauma from adolescence and early teen years.. Im trigger so much; its full PTSD: I dont own the time period; Dissociative disorder; Im not present anymore; Im completely taken.
So; lots of work here.
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So; the goal is to get free of the PTSD; keep working on pathways to a car; just keep going; Even if I have no idea how I can obtain one or keep one; hopefully the desire will grow.
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The goal is to keep working with pathways to a car; Keep going until the past negative thoughts of hopeless ness leave. I have visuals of only one outcome of hopelessness. and it over takes me completely; I have to have other possibilities and pathways.
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I get over taken by negative view of many things associated with having the ability to get a car; instead of pathways that take care of all my needs concerning a car; thats the problem; I have to create these positive pathways with Gods co creating help; create them in my imagination first; and then develop them in my imagination until they are so strong and become up to speed... I have to do this; I mean; this is the kind of thing I have to do. Learn how to do. make it so. I mean; This is a perfect example of what Ive been working toward; learning how to do.
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Pathways dealing with fear and insecurity; When I was younger; I turned to my grandmother for dependence; never to myself; they did this to me; broke me and trained me to depend on them; did this on purpose to train me out of being able to take care of myself.
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So; fear pathways; These were pathways that I found myself open and exposed and insecure with no protection or understanding on how to handle real life; I turned to my grandmother; for example; lets say I needed a car and had no way of knowing; in my present situation; how would I afford any kind of car. ( I did not know how to depend on myself). I would turn to my Grandmother because that would be to much money for me to even know how I would ever come up with it; enough money. I would be in over my head. But what if My grandmother had never been around. I would have taken the bus and maybe had to learn how to think successfully and start working with the universe on how I would get a car. I would start creating pathways in the real world and work with God on how things would be obtained for a car. Pathways and more pathways. and keep presenting it to God. Over n over n over... Because I would have no other choice. I would have to learn a foundation. I have to learn it with God.
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In fact; as I write this; I can feel the abuse and intrusion of those people on my life. I can see those violators coming into my personal space and life and taking over leaving me helpless and dependent. I was pulled right out of my life... I can see they had no business in my life.
WHat To Do KNow!
So; I have to learn to trust God. The problem is; trusting God. Suddenly with GOd involved in cars; I don't believe him. I have to create pathways in my mind; so many that the universe shows me the universe is on my side. THere is a gap between the pathways I create concerning a car and God; a gap at the end of the pathway and GOd is further down at the end; but there is a gap between the end of the pathway and God; and Ill have to work with God on this. I get angry when it comes to a car and GOd... I just dont think God is going to help me out. Im mad; like God left me the first time and now I want help with this. Im assuming I want a car; I guess? yes? But Im so scared because GOd would have to show up with more material wealth and coinage for the car; Im going to have to believe.
And then I tell myself; this is taking to long; Ive all ready put out to much time with no answers; So; ya know. Ill keep at it I guess. I guess its the right thing to do; to have a car... I have my reasons for a car... I Guess... If Im not suppose to have one; I wish God would tell me.
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Keep up with lyric writing; the goal is to get good enough to write songs I can sing in front of others.
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Concerning relationships; IVe been finding many things in my 12 step group literature that fits many problems I had with relationships; thought I would quote a few things from those books... No group names tho....
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Quoted from one of my 12 step books;
4th step': "Writing about all of our relationships is very important, and we’ll want to pay particular attention to our friendships. If we gloss over examining our platonic friendships in favor of focusing on
romantic relationships, our inventories will be incomplete. Many of us come to this group never having
had a long-term friendship ( or real romantic relationship) because of conflicts within ourselves. Those conflicts were the real
grounds for the arguments we started with our friends and our ensuing refusal to work through
the disagreement and continue the friendship. Some of us felt that we would end up getting hurt
in any close friendship, so before that happened, we arranged the end of the friendship ourselves.
We may have feared intimacy to such a degree that we never revealed anything about ourselves
to our friends. We may have induced guilt in our friends to ensure their loyalty or indulged in
other forms of emotional blackmail. If our friends had others in their lives, we may have felt so
jealous and insecure that we tried to remove the threat of their other friends. Our behavior ranged
from taking our friends hostage to taking them for granted. We may find several instances where
we sacrificed our friendships for romantic relationships.
We will probably find identical conflicts and behaviors in our romantic relationships. We’ll see
the same difficulties with trust, refusal to be vulnerable, and perhaps a lifelong pattern of
inability to make commitments. As we write, we’ll most likely see fear of intimacy in each
relationship or discover that we’ve never understood the difference between intimacy and sex.
Whether we ran from close relationships because of fear or because we had been hurt over and
over again, we search out the common threads that appear in all of our relationships.
We may find that our sexual beliefs and behavior have caused problems in our relationships. We
may have settled for sex when we really wanted love. We may have used sex to get something
we wanted or believed that, by having sex, we could extract a commitment from an unwilling
partner. We ask ourselves if our sexual behavior has been based in selfishness or in love. We
may have used sex to fill the spiritual void we felt inside. Some of us felt shame as a result of our
sexual practices. After years of compulsively acting on our fears and misguided beliefs about
sex, we want to be at peace with our own sexuality. This is a very uncomfortable topic for most
of us. However, if we want something different than what we’ve had, it’s necessary that we
begin the process of change by writing about it."
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My comment about the upper paragraph; I never really had relationships yet; Never had a chance; I was thrown out of my life when still an older child; so nothing ever really started for any kind of adult situations; relationships; car, money, career; Anything; Not really. All I did was react to things or freeze mode things.
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The times I did run to people; they were way below my ability and standard that I could be a part of. Most of the time I found myself in random situations where someone knew someone and I started dating them; they were usually way way way below my standards; and this means our personalities did not match nor our values nor specific physical attributes; like weight problems..
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The fact is; I never went after anyone ever; they just showed up where I was working or I knew someone; and this was not the way to set up my future with the right people; it was ridiculous; but more ridiculous was ME not deciding what I wanted and going after it; because I had n vision; I got left overs; I was so mentally ill tho; I could not function.
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I still have time.
I lost my voice( sharing my opinion) from trauma; I did not believe anymore in opening up to anyone about anything anymore; regardless of what I had gone through; I went through so much stuff; massive losses... I could not speak anymore; I lost my ability to open up; it dissociated out of reality into oblivion; never to be see again...
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Reprogramming the brain...
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I know the work that has to be done.
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Its sad and it hurts; but it probably hurts everyone that has to do this. Im not the only really sensitive super nice person out here... If Im to become the nice person I am out in society; it has to be done. I have to work through the remainder of the past and come through the funnel into reality... In a reality where I learn how to build my present and thats been happening for a while now; the foundation has been set... Im now building on it; slowly strengthening it; lonely sad work. The more I co create with my higher power the more I can feel the losses are leaving; those things of the past; regardless of what happened; they are disappearing; They are slowly fading away... THey are being left behind; its as if I am moving; moving forward... I can feel; as I do this work; the past is slowly getting left behind.. and my head is turning and has been turning for a long time forward. Now; Im getting a little bit stronger; not much; but I am getting what I earn; and it takes allot of work to go a little ways... but its real work and honest work with my higher power; and its not fun. Its brutal and scary and my mind wont snap inline the way I want it to; so I have to keep working at it; its like its got a mind of its own. When Ive had enough I physically yell it; giving it orders to do what I tell it; meaning; I will take over and order it to do something and it gets inline because Ive had enough of this.
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Thousands of hours of this is required.. at least for me...
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Ive been here before; but without the relationship of a higher power and without the 12 step groups.
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The groups are all good but they are not a substitute for an internal intimate family system... They can be for some; However, Im talking about the traditional personal home family system.
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The 12 step groups or any other groups act as a segregate family. I mean; they are a real family; more real then a regular family but they are not my inner personal chosen family where I have a wife and children and such; but they are close second; they are like brothers and sisters and cousins. They are; and the more i get to know the right people; they can be my real friends and probably some are my best friends..
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I didnt realize when young; I needed authentic decent friends; real friends; I didnt need friends from the most expensive street in town; In fact; that place is of the devil... It is not the devil because hard working people saved there money and or had dreams and worked at there dreams; They are the devil because thats who they are like on the inside; they do not worship God; they worship the devil regardless of what they look like on the outside; Im just saying the ones Ive met are no ones friends. They may become successful; but so what; so I can and everyone else... But they think they are privileged because they are better then everyone else; super stars? no; it goes beyond that; its not about that; they think they are Gods; much as the Devil believes he is God... They are twisted evil monsters; not people.
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IVe learned a few lessons;
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1. I dont have to be around the richest kids when young; any kid regardless has to learn how to take the test and pass it regardless; if she or he wants success; its up to the person not the parents money level or anything else. TO pass a test; I have to want to be live; want to succeed; feel loved and safe; thats a good start...
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2. I can be a nice person who hangs around the nicest people; not the people with the most money... they dont have to have allot of money to be absolutely the nicest people in the world... and thats an idea I didnt really understand before. I thought money +people was a safe bet. I thought No money+ people was trouble. Well; trouble can come in any package in different forms.
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3. regardless of what I came from; if Im able; since Im the one doing the work for my own success; what does it matter what my friends have or dont have... Why should they have to have large bank accounts... They dont. If I want to hang out with people with large bank accounts; I would need much money; And I would never make that money for the purposes of hanging out with others on streets full a bankers. If I had the ability to make money; I would hang out with nice people.
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arrogant stuck up people who are privileged will always think they are superior to real down to earth decent human beings. Im just saying... beware..... Im saying more then beware. If I have no reason to associate with them; DONT! I can always find much better people in smaller houses... ITs better to meet someone in a cookie bread house then a mansion!
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I used to love the street to the right of me when I was a boy; and I still do; I love the street; but never meet the people in the houses; ever! stay away from them; they are fakes... dangerous. evil.
These people think they are better then me because of there riches or wealth or work ethic or prosperity or privilege. ITs about strength or weakness to them; they have no friends; they dont need them...
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I do need friends; Im a nice human being. Being nice and being around those monsters doesnt mix... dangerous...
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Dont need them... If Im working toward what I honestly want; it makes no difference how much mother-money other people have; I dont need them for that or how they look or look to others. I always have to stay safe; but people dont have to come from wealthy financial streets to be my real friends... If friendship is the goal; they must be good friends; wealth in friends... Good people.
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So; I can walk down the streets of a wealthy neighborhood and look around; but never talk to or go near the inhabitance; they are not nice people; they are murder's. And this is something of a closed nature; only those with experience dealing with the rich will know this; and if they have associated with the rich; they will know it soon enough. Im not suggesting not being rich; Im suggesting; have nice friends; attract them but do not associate money with nice people; those to concepts dont exist... buyer beware...
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Not suggesting the acquisition of money is in question; Get as much money in life as possible; backyards full; as much as I can for ever... become filthy rich as I do everything else. I love money; and money loves me!
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Lets talk about my Grandma; next blog.
Our partner
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