June 2025
May 2025
Several subjects; and always the girl up the street.
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Every time i write Ill be writing about the girl up the street from my youth and what new things I'm finding.
What's interesting is; What about my father mother brothers best friend growing up; what about cousins and teachers and Santa Claus?
Many of these people; they've been worked through; God already worked with me. I got it figured out; In many cases I returned to there homes later in life while in recovery; and discovered the view point God was attempting to explain to me. I saw it first hand. God told; meaning the universe opened it up to me; that these people were evil; and should go spend a day with them as an older adult and find out for myself; and thus the door became open for me to do so; and I did.
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What did I find? They were pure evil! It had nothing to do with me. I was a quality person who had to ask the question; what was doing around all these evil people and what could I expect from them; Lets me make this clear; they were not on the lower end economically; in many cases they had nice homes in nice neighborhoods.
What do they all have in common; I was dependent on all of them; They never came to me; I came to them.
God told me a kind of wisdom based metaphor; IF I would stop calling them; I would never hear from them ever again and all my problems with those people would end; and finally I did; in some cases just to see if they came back; they didn't. heartbroken; I was destroyed and confused when young. However, God helped me to understand; I had continued to walk into the hornets nest over n over n over with bad people. On the outside they seemed fine; that's when I had no problems. And looking back from the beginning; they all had red flags. Why didn't I listen? loneliness and insecurity and starving for connection with anyone; no one loved me or cared about me. I thought that was my problem and I needed to go find people that would.
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Heres the point; Ive worked through allot of people; Ive understood what I had done; I had opened a doorway to hell; I didn't know! I found people that came from those deeper caves of hell masquerading as normal people. I found a whole lot of m.
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THE GIRL UP THE STREET; Like all the others; I'm trying to understand what happened here and how to put it back in its place; and I going in a different direction toward God and with God... and moving on.
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The big difference with the GIRL UP THE STREET; it was a time period of growth and independence; this was truly a time I walk away and break away from the family system I came from and go create my own family system. Unfortunately; more horror and sorrow occurred; 10 times the amount.
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So; the importance with the girl up the street is; this was a break away time period from the evil family system I came from. And I got slapped down and fell back into the family system broken and without the ability to function anymore; no confidence; no hope no belief in myself; nothing; and trauma bonded with that family system; the original one I came from.
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What I didn't know; The girl up the street was evil; that's what I didn't know. Altho the signs were everywhere from the beginning; I thought she was just like me; rebelling against her evil family; and wanting something different. Why did I think this; The first time I met her she seemed insecure innocent sensitive and lost and neglected and abused... I WAS WRONG! If she had a problem with these things; why didn't she go get help for them herself.
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I thought I was discovering her! and I was going to help her out. In the end; she was non of the things I discovered. In the end she was just like her parents; nothing like my values; I had made a complete 360 degree mistake; I was completely wrong. I had brought in my own values and colored filters and that tunneled the truth into a funnel of a specific view point I wanted to see. I collected information from observing the person; and I only collected information that would prove my point; that she was nice sensitive girl that needed to be loved by someone and her parents did not love her. I was wrong. She had no problems; she never claimed to have any problems.
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As I continue to work through this situation; One main point stands out; and its a point God wants me to learn; SHE NEVER TRIED TO GET AHOLD OF ME. SHE NEVER CALLED ME.
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I went to her. I went to her the first time I met her. SHe never came to me never claimed she was thinking about finding me or someone like me? SHe never said she was planning on visiting me or looking for someone like me. SHe never claimed anything. In fact; she was never thinking about me and I suppose never would be.
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I went to her she did not come to me.
I called her all the time... she never called me. I went to her house all the time; she never came to mine. She never claimed she liked me or felt anything for me. She never said she did... She said nothing.
Her interest in me might have been out of insecurity; she liked another guy in school and he didn't like her. GO FIGURE. Now I know why? But the point is; I was there at the wrong time; how bad could that timing have been; as if Satan himself had set it up and I feel for the bait; hook line n sinker; and I I guess I hated myself for always falling for the bait Satan put out; always trying to suggest I had finally found real friends when in reality; they were just Satans pawns and they had found lunch; I was the lunch...
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I had no one so out of desperation and starvation for human interaction; I went to places; any place that might take me and I tried to believe everything was OK. However, in the real world; the only people with there doors open were people wanting to take advantage of me; bring me set me up and destroy me. And I was destroyed over n over n over.
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These were all Satanic people; Not just the Girl up the street; but all of them. There would be no place to hide for me
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I continue to work on the GIRL UP THE STREET situation until its cleared up. Right now; the main subject is; WHy did I go up the street. Im as dumb as a stump. I dont seem to learn. Im lazy and slothful angry and thoughtless and I didnt care; I was walking right into a trap and didnt care; because I didnt care about anything anyway; not anymore.
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I was mindless and stupid.. I thought I had found true love.. I didnt care... and I paid for it. I was sliced and diced.
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The point of all these blogs is; I care about my life and wanting to stay alive now; enough; that I will work on this the rest of my life because no one else will!
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Im working on self; thats the point.
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The key to all of this; Im a nice guy that had very few nice people around and non close up. I was surrounded by bad people. Im not the only one; my story is not the first of its kind. Plenty of children who will go through the same thing but they will be over ran and turned; turned into the sociopaths that destroyed them over n over until that child ends up in jails or grave yards or homeless or in institutions for the remainder of there lives.
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Im trying to work on the problems looking for solutions. And like looking for gold in a mountain; Im finding them.
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Slowly the truth comes out.
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In the story with the Girl UP the STREET; its complex and confusing. Its like murky water; I did not understand the behaviors of this person at times; thats because I didnt know who I was dealing with.
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I wrote another blog before this on another computer and Ill post it first I think; suggests the girl up the street actually did nothing wrong. And its true...
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The real truth is; she never wanted to meet me. She never did attempt to meet me or know me. WHen given the chance; she never talked to me again.
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I meant nothing to her; so; why was I at her house.
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What was she suppose to do or how was she suppose to act when a strange guy shows up at her house. I mean; Her parents or brother was there. But; how was she suppose to act. Meaning; she was polite and I took that as; maybe she liked me. I thought she did; but lets take a deeper closer look at that.
Did she like me or was she faking it until I left. Was she faking the smile until she could get rid of me; probably; I just didn't care. She never said she liked me. I was just lazy; a stranger and hanging around.
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I dont like the truth. Because this was one more example of me being worthy but this person didnt care and never wanted to know and was politely trying to get rid of me and I wasnt smart enough to take the hint. I wasnt smart enough to take the hint and go home!
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Later; much later I realized I was never asked to join this person or associate with her; she was a stranger and in a real sense I was never invited by her to meet her. She did not ever miss me that I know of or ever think of me again.
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She appeared to be sensitive but that was non of my business; in fact non of her life was my business.
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When I finally went back to GOd; I dont remember GOd ever telling me to go up and visit her or that she would be coming to see me.
SHe had no value for me; I meant nothing to her; So; the question is; is this the best I can associate with; people that see no value in me.
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SO much of this story relates to where Im at today and the trouble Im in and the way I interact with others; nothing has changed.
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Im trying to wake up and work with God.
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The nuances I noticed in this girl; non of them were pertaining to me. I mean; she was not looking at me directly trying to send messages of her mental longing and health; I made all that up in my head concerning her. I never asked her anything.
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In fact; I never really talked to her about anything. And as I write this my dissociative brain goes off and starts to slumber and I have to yell to wake it up.
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SHe was not a friend of mine and I was not in my home town and she did not live down the street from me where I knew her from 4 years old on. She was a brand new person I had met and knew nothing about.
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What does God want me to look at; God wants me to look at how I acted and how I got from my house to her house and what identity was I wearing. Was I lying and was I a fake?
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The girl up the street kind of had it appeared some innocence; That is a foolish statement on my part; why would this girl show me this innocence; she would not; so what was she doing; faking something else that I would fall for; and i did. I feel for it; what ever was offered over n over n over; I kept reading into others behavior as If I had them figured out when I knew nothing; and I paid a big price for it!
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Ive got things to grow up and do; Relationship do over; car; money; The use of talents in the real world. Losing weight; keeping it off. Other things are working out a bit.
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Work; Ill pray about that. What ever that means for me... the ability to attract money.
A Family; what do I dream about or want. What do I not want and get through that then starting thinking about what I do want.
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Living in the real world; the outside world is what Im talking about; thats my next move with GOd; working on it with GOd.
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Ive all ready started; all ready talked about it in my meetings.
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Im attempting to work through the thick walls that blocked me from the outside world.
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Lots of grief and grieving... complete loss of life; my life when young; God is trying to get it back and get me back; its happening slowly. Im slowly waking up.
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Right now Im getting close to focusing on the outside world getting that reality back; things like adjusted an corrected living within relationships; sane relationships based on reality. Living in reality; living in my dreams of what I want but applied to the real world because I want to live somewhere else besides my nervous system
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Money is a big deal; much more focus on money; getting it; liking it; attracting it; creating new scenarios around it; with it; falling in love with money. Money is a great thing; I need to apricate it.
Car; car insurance; extra money during the month. Give it to God and work on it with GOd as co creator of my reality. Needs to be done; I must wake up.
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The use of talents; Finally after months of working with God; a reasonable type composition I am willing to create and play publicly; This will be my first one ever written and performed by me in the public. Its a small one; a simple one; no lyrics; no singing; no words; just a small song on piano; no electronic keyboards or synths or sequencers or....... And the list goes on n on!
Just a simple song. Ive all ready started writing it in my notation program. Its not easy either; not when I start putting down notes on paper...
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I used to write music allot on paper and create music and put it on music community sites and we would all critique each others music; and it was so much fun but I was missing something. I could not perform anything. That was 10 years ago and I could hardly handle the reality of the structure of a song; I could not handle any reality or getting close to reality; so ive been busy working on self. Better late then never concerning reality.
So; it looks like I might follow through on this; after writing the song; Ill have to memorize it completely. Start to finish. and then pick a group to listen and go play it on a piano. This is so important because its like getting myself back.
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I feel this way about a car; getting that understood... working with God and getting a car back.
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Also; relationship; this will be possible as soon as I get over THE GIRL UP THE STREET> At this point its important for me to work with God and learning to ask for forgiveness for getting involved in that strangers life; I F't up her life; thats all I did and after committing that crime I ran off... I left her holding nothing. I never ever thought I would be doing that. Unfortunately I got to see what she was like after that. ANd I wasnt impressed.
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God has allowed me to know Im only suppose to focus on the part of what I did and leave it at that; Im trying to get right with God again so GOd will bring me someone to love.
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Most if not all women have horrified me. Nothing like what the Bible described; never. The women Ive met are scary human beings. Child ruining was never done by the father. Its always been done by the mother... Im not suggesting fathers are not abusive monsters; Im suggesting the mothers are the cause of the lack of growth in children... There turned almost into kidnapped slaves who dont get to develop... Ive seen both mothers and fathers do this equally.
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THe problem Ive had with women; all it is is man shaming; that's all it is; no other comments; or someone trying to break my conversation apart to obliterate it thus leaving me exposed or vulnerable. I cannot have conversations with women; Impossible.
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IVe seen so many women spit in my face metaphorically speaking. I want nothing to do with them in general; and it still goes on today; I avoid them.
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I wont be avoiding the ones God brings me.
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Im on my Knees 50 times a day to God for prayer for everything; and Im loathed by women? THey do not respect me...
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They do not respect someone that owners GOd! Or lives by God; for real. Im not talking about not watching porn or not wanting fast cars or wanting sex or lots of party money... but I dont drink or use; or smoke. so.....
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The point is; I turn to GOd for my survival and Im not respected... Im respected because no one sees any value. So; getting around the right people hopefully will change that.
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When I see people that dont respect me; I dont try to change them; I clam up and go away. I go silently let the other person think what they want to think.
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As for the Girl up the street;
SHe did not like me; she wasnt just faking it; she was trying to be nice; she was bombarded by me; a guy that was strangely and silently hanging around her; her house; a guy that lived down the street; it was acceptable because we were young teenagers. So and then older...
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I have to get over her; this means working through this until the truth comes out and its trying to and its starting to and it wants to... its hard. The truth wants to go back into the dark and Im trying to keep it out here. The truth seems to be that I judged her appearance; her body language and facial expressions and such and her eyes with the idea of trying to figure her out.
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I found out I was wrong. This was just a person who was scared trying to fend of a weirdo that was hanging out at her house who lived down the street who said nothing to her and did nothing with her. Just some creep.
And GOd has let me know I am suppose to ask God to forgive me for being a creep; for this person never asked for a creep to hang out at her house or ever know one.
It might have been possible that this girl was calling out to God for someone for her; but unfortunately got in the middle of it because of my laziness and I showed up unannounced.
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I was not to be at that house.
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So; I was lazy good for nothing. And I was not suppose to be there...
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So; back with God again to do this thing right.
WHere does GOd want me to be... Ill keep working on this.
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SO; Ive got real world things to wake up to; thats what Im working on.
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