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attempting direction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 21, 2015 5:58 pm

I was on my way as a child! That last things I remember! I was slowly building my life forward! However, I began to get psychologically weak and or emotionally weak and spiritually weak! I been living of the TV for my family and future interests! I had little knowledge that the actually people in the house hold I was living were less frequent in there attempts to sustain any level of relationship with me!

In fact; it was much worse then I could have imagined! I had created quit a world around me to take care of myself! I ate at this house I lived! And at many times; ate at my best friends house and stayed the night at his house! And on weekends!

I was attempting independence that best I could! I had no idea of the evil that lurked in house or the occupants of this house! Its almost impossible to see myself walking around in this house as a boy; as it turns out cold and heartless in the end! And I am removed for ever from this house without a word of remorse from those who have done it!

The father figure in this story does not turn out to be a father or a bad father or a disappointment! He turns out to be a degenerate sycophant narcissistic rapist! Possibly serial rapist! When I had to live with him; he brought home an 18 year old girl! The youngest he could find legally without getting into trouble! He was in his 50's! He had befriended her, seduced her! Charmed her as a narcissist! He would flaunt her around and himself as a new creation! Meaning, he was a new creation from victim! And he had his trophy; this young 18 year old girl! Who was very vulnerable! She was a student at a private college! Very broken and intellectual! He acted as if he was starting over; as if he was getting his fix!

He cared nothing about me! He acted like I was simply an observer of him and this girl! Like I was a next door neighbor who came to visit! As if my role was to watch him and this girl and to show honer for his successful hunt! Thats what he was; a ######6 predator! And I mean it; with no conscious and no remorse! He would make out with her in the park in front of me! It made me sad and scared and I wanted to pass out; it made me so sick to my stomach! Who ever this was! This was a stranger I did not know or wanted to know! This person was a violator of all things natural! Pure evil! He was a sociopath! Pure form!

When I was 12 or 11 and went to visit him in another town he was living in; he talked to me as if I was his buddy and not his son! He told me he was on trial for rape! And he told me the details! He told me the details as if I was an adult! I was not! It was all about him and how he was a victim; And " how could any of this happen to him"! It was all about him!

He had gone home with some black women from a bar! Her and her friend to her house! She claimed he raped her! Somehow, the placement of his car in the neighborhood placed him possibly at a different location! Something like that! And his lawyer created doubt in the jurors minds! So, he got off! He didn't go to jail! But I knew what this person was like!

When I was a small child; I was told by my brother that he broke into his father in-law's business to steal things; he took my brothers with him has an alibi! And incase the cops stopped him or saw him; they couldn't shoot because he had little kids with him! Now, looking back! Thats the person I remember after the divorce! He did not show this side of himself to me when I was very very young! Or I did not recognize it! As I got older; I started to see what he really was! A rapist sociopath predator! No conscious, no remorse, no compassion, no guilt! Nothing! Pure predator sycophant!

I cannot describe how ones life is over as a child from this! You have no parents! You want to die! And your way of life and house are sold out from under you within a few weeks! And its as if you never had a childhood! Its been erased! You can never go home! Never! And no one cares!

I was shoved off to a relatives! And that was the end of that! All my dreams associated with my early life was destroyed and dismantled!

And many other horrible disgraceful things happened!

I had no place to go! I cloud not go to a new family! I had none! Their was no parent on my side! They were both gone because they were both criminal sociopaths! They were never real in the first place; it was all fake!

I had no place to go, no place to run: nothing! And I still don't! I can never go home! There is no home!

One has to learn not to take things like this personally! Sycophants cant change; degenerates cant change! These are Godless consciousness psychopaths! They cant change when they wake up the next day! You must get away from them! Never return!

So, the struggle remain for me today; the goal; to become what I set out to become as a child! To regain self! And become the real human being again! The way I supposed to!

As for now! Im better, but Im a wreck! Im a ######6 train wreck! Im a world of defenses! And I have no time being me if Im defending myself from everything out their in the big wide world!

Im attempting to change! I have to get back my memories of the good me doing good things when a boy! And they are their! However, these memories are so close to the misery of what is to come; they have been blocked! Im trying to convince the rest of the community to unblock them!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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