July 2025
June 2025
What is my purpose? That is what I'm wrestling with God.
Im no longer living in the past.
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The problem is; My present personality.
Im coming out of victimhood; Im still creating myself as a victim; it just started again in one of the 12 step groups Im in. So; Im not out of the clouds yet; I mean...
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Im at this point of becoming a creator of my life... not a victim... Im just am there; I am. Part of me came out of it from the past; all of me. I guess.
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Im starting to cause an effect. Not live as a victim; I mean; I cant anymore because I broke through those lies and mis understandings... Delusions.
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SO; I have no Choice; My feeling and thinking is changing the outcome of my life. THats where Im going.
I'm completely lost right now. I'm centered and have no idea what to do; Im trying meditation for my inner being to open up my purpose in life. As I continue to do this; more n more purposes kind of show up. I'm not used to this kind of freedom; it scares me and Im really scared to death to create more monstrous problems for myself like I did in the past? Its interesting; there is no more past! It doesn't exist.
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I guess I don't have to go through what I did when focusing on the past; I mean. I can focus on creating a world for myself in the future and I can make mistakes and that's just refinement toward the bullseye of the goal; The intended goal. Im a creator of my reality. And Im working with God and the vortex and inner being and universe and source energy ; for me to vibrationally get into the vortex and then meditate on my future or what my inner being wants to create with me and with God and universe. What direction do I go.
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I'm not being defined by a vision of the future; I'm just getting started; all I have are the attempts of the old past; the attempts of relief; the memories of what I did. So; I mean; those are kind of useless.
Ill have to talk to God about all of this.
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I want to wake up in the morning and be defined by a future for my life; that would be so nice.
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I'm BLANK! My future is BLANK because its to new right now....
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One area of purpose has been through my music; I've asked the universe about this; what would this look like; what would be my purpose statement.
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I don't think Ill be at so many 12 step groups. Those have helped in the interim.
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I have to keep asking God and meditation on my purpose.
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Coming into a new plan....
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What I'm passionate about something.
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How can I do things differently; a new plan. Im not used to this; non of it.
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It used to be hatred and focusing on the past. Now Nothing. Im on the other side of this; a giant tundra of light grey snow as far as the eye can see. And the machine I came in is now dead. I opened its door and climbed out; It will stay where it died; for it ran out of energy because it was the machine I traveled with from the past. The past is no more.
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To modify my behavior.
So; I'm looking around at this large white grey area; a clean slate with nothing on it. And that is my future. So; I'm the creator; Now what?
Ill get in touch with my inner being and see how or what the next move is to start the practice of this
new life.
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The void and unknown; in this to create my future.
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I will be learning how to learn into the future; and ask the universe what to do on a daily basis.
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I still get hit with PTSD and dissociation. So; its weird; its a combination of both things going on; I'm creating a new life for myself and I still get hit with PTSD attacks; However, after being beat up from that and I can come out of it and come back to being the creator.
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Its very important that I work with God right now and just let my inner being help me mature in all this and learn to attract into my imagination some of the answers from the universe who is helping me grow of what comes next.
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I still have PTSD; especially around rape and being molested in one form or another on a continued basis from being forced to live with my mothers parents and before that; from my mother; She was a murder; but not stupid; she murdered for the point of torture but did it in such ways she would not get caught. Diabolical and deceptive. And some of that or allot of that; the pain being sore from this; fear and terrible fright. and horror. So; I still have those times being brought back from PTSD> And generally being thrown away; However; besides the PTSD: I'm in this new role.
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I'm living right after a paradigm shift . I know now I'm not living in the past and I'm no longer a victim; It means; I'm slowly coming out of forms of victimhood; slowly moving into a white grey plain of untouched ground like a canvas. And I become the creator working with God to decide what my purpose is and thus; move forward and try some things in those areas; its a bit unnerving and scary. And I'm completely new to this. A greater consciousness immerging.
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Meditation is the greatest thing I have and prayer.
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There is a death of my old self; and that is stunning experience. So; Im also getting used to this; and Ive all ready dealt with friction for the last few years of people trying to attack because Im changing coming out of the box.
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THe idea is to learn how to feel good.
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