Well I've been talking to mine and my daughter's dad.. *sigh..* that sounds so wrong (cuz it is) I've been asking him to come visit, but he refuses to unless we hook up because it otherwise would be 'torture' for him.. puhlease. I have at least gotten somewhat smart and started birth control, so if anything did happen again, I should be okay.. I just don't think I could ever have an abortion if it happened again. Anyways!! No need to think of that.. I can't let it happen. He's my father, what is wrong with me?? Ugh the disgust I feel with myself is overwhelming somedays and the anger and depression is unbearable but I could never try anything now with the responsability of my baby girl. Plus with the last 3 visits to the 3rd floor and them threatening to send me to a nuthouse for good, I know they'll try and take my baby away from me.. I just need to learn how to control my emotions. Oh man does it feel good to let this out, I never say anything like this.. normally I seem perfectly happy and next thing you know i'm in the ER overdosed on pills or my wrists cut open. But lets get back to the topic.

Dad had plans for tomorrow to come to my house but i just sent him a message a little bit ago telling him I changed my mind.. I'm not a peice of ass. We're suppose to be family. We also have plans for 2 weeks from now to drive down and visit my younger siblings and my baby nephew I haven't met yet, they also haven't met my daughter yet.. and they already know about these plans so if I change my mind they would be heartbroken. But me, baby and dad would be in a hotel for a weekend alone.. and I can guarentee things will happen. I really have mixed feelings about it.. he tells me he loves me, and tells me sex is love, its all the same thing. Idk i'm confused, i'm to the point where I just don't care anymore.. I want him to be part of our lives cuz he's my baby's dad too, I shouldn't be alone raising her.. right??? I just don't want to feel the regret I did the past, but I have a feeling things will be different now that we have a baby together. I don't know if this is really considered abuse or not, I'm a 21 year old adult, i'm letting it happen.. most the time I like it and want it.. but it also makes me hate myself. Nothing worse can happen now, maybe we should just pretend we're a couple. I feel like i'm going insane.

I am so thankful I found this site, I've been needing to get this out. This is a secret that both me and my father will take to our graves.
I never knew my real father until I was about 12 years old. I met him for the first time and he was a fairly attractive man. We grew a decent friendship and learned that I was just like him in many ways. As I got older I noticed he would get flirty with me, and instead of a normal father-like hug.. I would get a hug and a long kiss on the neck. I never minded though.

He was a truck driver, he went on 2 week trips at a time, then a week off. I was 18 years old when he invited me to go with him for a trip, and I agreed.. I was excited because I never got to travel much. His semi had bunk beds, but I would always lay in the bottom bed with him for a while after he parked for the night. On the 4th day I asked him to rub my back, so he did.. he then told me its been so long sinse he's felt a womans body like this that it was effecting him in a certain way, hearing him say that, did the same thing to me. All I could do was smile at him, and he kissed me passionately then kissed my neck and chest. I knew it was so, so wrong.. but it didn't feel that way, it felt so good and I didn't want him to stop. And he didn't.

What happened on that trip was my body's desires taking over, maybe if I had self control I could have stopped it from happening.. I fell into a deep depression after I returned home because of the shame and disgust I felt towards myself. I blamed my father, I went months without speaking to him. I wish I never even met him. But a few more months past and suddenly I felt lonely, I got ahold of my father again.. we started to talk, we apologized to eachother and everything was fine again.

It didn't take long till the memories of our trip started to creep back into my thoughts, but this time it didn't upset me, it made me want him again. I lusted for him, I needed to feel that love again.. So I went to stay him on his week off, we shared his bed. It was amazing just like the first time.. but afterwards I went back home and became angry and depressed again. When my period was 2 weeks late I took a pregnancy test, I was so scared to look.. but it was true, it was positive. When I told my father he asked me to abort, but I told him no.


My baby girl is now 2 1/2 months old. She is perfect, healthy and so beautiful. She has dad's bright blue eyes. Mama's nose, lips and chin, and our dark hair. I got so lucky that she looks mostly like me.. I sometimes wish the 3 of us could be one strange little happy family, but remembering the past, I know I will regret it because it seems to be an endless cycle of lust then hate. I tell people I was too drunk at a party to remember who I slept with. I'd rather be known as a drunk whore then an incesting freak. I know i'm not alone but I know the real world would never understand. My father has always told me he doesn't see me as his daughter, but as a beautiful young woman. And he's never been my dad.. he was a stranger I met when I was 12, and we became very close. I do know there is something called genetic sexual attraction syndrome... but I will just leave it at self diagnosed. He has only met my daughter once sinse she's been born, and I honestly hope he'll be more involved in her life, even if she'll only know him as grandpa.

Thanks for reading <3