HA! Since I can't sleep, I'm browsing the forum and looked at the local time in one of my posts and it said 3:13am. I thought that can't be right, so when I looked at the "real" time it was 4:20! I could never understand the obsession with 420, and frankly I think it's ridiculous. Any time of the day is considered my "acceptable" time of day to smoke. I say "acceptable" referring to something I just scanned over in Wikipedia.

Having said that, I think I'm coming up on 4 months since I last smoked. It's been great not having any psychosis induced from it. It rarely happened since I became stable on my meds (which I'm now having to work toward yet again) but there was always that special occasion that the voices would come back and just be a nuisance all night until I fell asleep.

That is all.

Just a random entry. I only bought one beer tonight and I'm pissed now. Depression sucks, especially when you're prone to substance abuse. I thought ahead while I was sober, thinking if I only buy one, that shows control. Boy, do I regret having that control tonight. I'm damn near ready to go to the bar by myself and just get drunk. I've only gone to a bar alone ONCE in my life, and sadly, it was in the past couple of weeks. I see that as a new low for myself. I don't even feel like writing more, it's ######6 pointless. ###$ it.

Nupy

Today's appointment was interesting. This is the second doctor that has told me that Risperidone blocks mania. It makes sense as to why I never experience a full blown hypomanic/manic episode. I've been on Risperidone since rehab in 2009 - they put me on it when I started complaining about "voices". I believe I was in the middle of a hypomanic episode when they put me on Risperidone there because my parents came to see me one day, and my dad said I reminded him of a colleague of his who was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder - I was talking about how I was going to change people's lives by becoming an addictions counsellor and I was going to come back and volunteer at the rehab centre. I was a social butterfly (normally a hermit and would speak to no one), totally outgoing, absolutely LOVING life, euphoria all day long, sleeping minimal hours a night, and all that good stuff. I was full of ideas about, well...everything. I'm not too sure how else to explain it. That lasted for over a week before the voices were bugging me too much and I started the Risperidone.

I've decided to go back up on my dose of Lamotrigine, as the irritability and depression have become too strong. I'm loving the times where I feel so euphoric I feel as though I'm high on cocaine (I would know because I was addicted to it for over two years ), but they don't last, and I'm left feeling completely wasted - no energy to do anything. Those periods are becoming less and less frequent, and I'm left with terrible feelings of worthlessness and the likes of a depressive state. Not only that, my mood is cycling like that many times throughout the day, and it's very mentally draining. It's keeping me from doing anything useful with my days. I feel useless.

I'm starting to chase those highs now...it's like a flashback to my cocaine abuse, just without the tachycardia and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke. (I actually presented with symptoms similar to a stroke on numerous occasions while I was using, but hospital visits proved otherwise). When I start feeling really good, I try to hold onto the feeling...the only way I've found to do such a thing is to drink a ton of coffee. I tried that today and was left with crippling anxiety and some suicidal ideation/severe depression after about two hours of feeling "high".

I could write for hours tonight, but I'll cut it off here.

Nupy

I'm surprised a blog entry was actually viewed...I'm paranoid enough tonight - I don't need to feel that people are watching me...I'm half kidding.

Today was a great day until it wasn't. I'm sitting here, about to drink my fourth tall can of beer, wondering where my life has gone...I was on my way to accomplishing a lot in my life until I became sick. I'm almost a licensed electrician, but I can't motivate myself to get that ticket. I have completed my apprenticeship and have written my exam twice and failed. The first time I don't really count...I won't get into details about why, but I'm sure most people would agree with me in saying it wasn't a true attempt.

I'm really not in any mood to write much - it's a goal of mine to do one of these entries at least once a day, so I can refer back to them at any time and see where I was at. I'm not one to physically journal, so I figured why not do it while I'm on my computer. Technology is a wonderful thing...to an extent. With such paranoia, one might wonder why I would "journal" where my entries are viewable to strangers...I have yet to figure this out...

Nupy

I've been looking for the "right" time to start these things, but my life seems pretty dull lately. I read about circadian rhythms today, and supposedly it occurs in schizophrenia and bipolar disorder...kind of funny that my current diagnosis involves both of those. I'm thinking lately that this "psychosis" I've experienced/am experiencing hasn't actually happened...maybe it WAS all in my head. This is a very confusing time for me. Dropping down on my Lamotrigine has made things...weird. At first there was some psychosis as my mood was fluctuating, but now that has subsided, and I'm left with the fluctuating.

Here I am running all over the house at 1:41 AM trying to get my Mac streaming to my PS3. What a ###$ up life I'm living lately.

Nupy