My therapist said today was a breakthrough session because I managed to facilitate some conversation between her and Terry (angry teen). We talked about how my alters are very subtle, and I have a lot of feelings about that. I feel embarrassed about it, like if you're going to have DID you should at least be interesting about it, and I'm very bland and boring. I am nondescript. That is so kooky! The point is to get better, not to be concerned with the appearance. But I am genuinely upset. Ugh.

I have been starting a blog elsewhere, but I'm afraid I won't use it and it's a hassle to set blogs up. So I'll try here first. While I would like to say this blog will be fun to read and well organized, it's probably going to be just me writing what I need to write at the moment I need to write.

I was just with my husband, acting fractious and disagreeable and prickly. I was feeling a lot of pressure from inside, wanting to get away from my family, and feeling distrustful of my husband's good intentions. It was seriously not good. I apologized to him after he left and the pressure decreased. It wasn't Terry who was doing this. I guess it was Alison with the Orphan Girl mixed in, maybe?

I feel so gross today. Dirty, unacceptable, bad person, full of toxic crud. I feel this way often but when I don't feel this way, I completely forget that I ever feel it. Or, actually, right now is the first time I've identified what these sensations are. Sundays are usually rough days for me. The therapist said usually if there is time when it's possible to fall apart/have alter activity without disaster, that's when it will happen. Too, we have been going to this UU thing on Sundays. I think being around big groups of strangers doesn't do well with me these days. But it's supposed to be a family tradition. It was ArtGirl's idea that we should do this to begin with, a way of expanding our life. But it's turned out that I have no time to participate in any activities, so we haven't really made any new friends. Our older child likes attending, though, and I think it's good for her to have more good adults in her life. So I guess I'm kind of stuck continuing with that for now. Hope it will get easier.

I'm going to take a shower and then try to get the house in order for the coming week.

But I feel a lot of alter pressure that maybe I need to give into if I can. I have four hours of freedom from children, so shower and cleaning and doing inner work should work.