My therapist listened, as she always does, to the recent developments and drama encircling my pathetic life. She then asked me a simple (or so I thought) question: What do you make of all this suffering? I shrugged and said that others had it much worse. She then said, "But what about YOUR suffering? What do you make of all it?" I then tried to think of reasons why I would need to be facing all the problems I am facing... and I couldn't answer her. I remembered why I needed to persevere though... I knew that I'm that person that even though I only have five bucks in my pocket and none in my bank account, I'll give most of it away to that poor chap on the corner holding a cardboard sign. I'm that person that picks up hitch hikers and listen to the homeless tell me their story. I'm that person that tries so desperately to help when I can. Eat less meat, drive less, give more, listen to a friend, etc. So it was obvious to me that the world needs someone like me, that I need to continue living. But I still ponder as to why I need to suffer while I do all these things.

And then it hit me... and I wrote this on my phone and I would like to share it with you guys... whoever you are. I don't know.. here it goes anyways.

It doesn't matter what the pain means. Pain is in every life; it may feel different between different people, or last longer, or subside sooner. Life will either become better or worse or stay the same. But I gotta just be okay with that and choose to exist. Why am I still struggling to cope with the idea of being committed to life? I need to want to live for myself and not for others. Why do I want to live?

I want to live to see the end of homestuck. I want to travel to different cities and try their food and hear their accents or languages or dialects. I want to read more books and see more movies. I want to play chess and continue getting good at it to the point where I could join a tournament and hold my own. I want to make my parents proud.

I can't do any of these things if I'm cowering from life and crying all the damn time. I've allowed myself to feel sadness. It is time to let go and let another emotion wash over me. And I think I can feel the tantalizing whisper of joy in my ear. Am I out of this shitstorm for more than an hour or day? I won't know. And it doesn't matter. What matters is the present moment.

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed. - Buddha