Sometimes I'm not sure about who I am. I suffer from DID, I suppose, and I know that sometimes there's one of my alters out, and not me. Other times I feel only their influence on my emotions and this is really strange for me, because I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'm writing this in a moment of dissociation and I can't understand who I am, or if world's real. I feel like everything is fake and everything is annoying to me.
My mother is tidying up her room and the sound of the objects that are moved is physically irritating, I feel like something is scratching me, the kind of feeling of when someone passes the nails on the blackboard. I also responded badly to her and to my father as well at a moment ago. I feel like a teenage in crisis. And it makes sense if when I think about the fact that Alessia ( one of my alter, who's often the angry one ) is a teenage in crisis. She's 15 and she's in the "nobody understand me" mood.
I don't know why, but she's reflecting her feelings on me, without going out.
She seems very depressed and I feel bad for her. I don't know how to help Alessia and I feel like I'm kinda powerless... I hate this sensation, which comes from her as the others. It remainds us of when my grandma died. We cried a lot, and no one understood Alessia's suffering. I guess she was the one out in that period. She felt so lonely, and hopeless, like she could not make her future going better.
We still miss our grandma, we still miss her love, she was the only capable to understand our sadness, when no one, neither mom, or dad, could.
I feel like a child right now, a 15 years old girl who know nothing about these years have passed.
I guess I'm Alessia now. Or maybe not, I don't know.
I'm feeling like I'm a stranger in my own body. I can remember all the things ( maybe ) Angela wrote here, but they seems like wrote by another person. Obviously, they're wrote by her.
I hate everything.
I hate myself, and I hate this world too.
Why am I this lonely? Why everyone abandone me? They always run away... it's a fear I and Angela have in common: to be left alone. And now, I can feel her thoughts, like "we're alone, but we're together in this, isn't it?". She always tries her best to make me smile, and I... adore her. And the other as well. Only her words can make me turn calm. And now I feel like I've got another flashback, about the period when my grandma died. The hospital where she was, where another old lady died and where I hoped, I truly hoped, that my grandma could not met the same fate. And in fact...
I can't trust no one, they can run away, they can die, they can abandone me other ways. I don't want to love, to get attached to someone, and then losing them. It's so terrible when you lose someone.
It's even more terrible when you know they can't come back. They truly can't come back.
Is this the reason why I try always to solve with people?
I don't want... to be alone.