In addition to feeling horrible, my ex-bf thought he could ask how I was doing. Very bad decision of him. I'm not a bad person, so I told him politely that I'm not in a mood to talk now.
So things escalated until he threatened to put naked pictures of me on the internet (such a classic) if I don't delete him from my MSN list. Now I was I'm in this "don't you tell me what to do" stubborn mood, so I didn't see the sense in it. I wouldn't give in. If he didn't want to talk to me anymore, let him delete me (he kept saying that for some reason that wasn't possible, but what do I care, that's his problem!).
In the end I did delete him cuz I just couldn't stand his behavior anymore. Yes, I have a lot of things that I regret. Not having cut him out of my life is definitely one of them.
If it hadn't been a written conversation, I would've been constantly screaming. How dare he act like that??
Just needed to let my anger out.

So monday's getting closer and closer, and I can't believe I'll actually go to school.
I hope I won't break down, regress to a child, and tell myself I just can't do it, when it comes to it.
I've done that so many times already.

I'll just have to concentrate on getting there, no matter what. Even if I end up breaking down at school, in front of everyone, at least everyone sees then that there is no way I can go to school.

I just wish it wasn't so hard for me. If I could just go there and it wasn't hell, then my biggest problem would be solved. But it's not that easy. Of course not.
I HAVE to go to school, because if I don't, - well - I expect myself to finish school this year. Because I know I can, I mean I'm intelligent enough. I just can't accept the fact that my having issues is getting in the way of everything. My teacher once told me, "It is an illness. If you can't go to school, it's not your fault. You are ill, and you have to be cured."

But I somehow keep thinking that it's my fault that I can't go to school, that that means that i'm not good enough, not strong enough. Not going to school feels like failing, feels like I'm worthless. And I can't be worthless, can I?

I've been beating myself up about it. That's probably been a big stress factor for me too these past months.

I guess I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I can't change it. There are things I want to attain in life, and I can't accept that my issues keep me from all that. Would make my life senseless, if I couldn't do what I was looking forward to doing all along.
So I have to get through it.

But that's dangerous aswell, because who knows how I'll feel after school on monday? Who knows what I'll want to do? I'm just trying to keep in mind that if I feel bad, I should call one of the people I told about my issues, so that they can keep me from the worst.

But I have to keep thinking, that if I break down (of course wallowing in self-pity and crying a little is totally ok, but nothing dangerous should happen) then everything is lost. And I have to fight (obviously extra-hard, which is unfair, but whatever) for what I want in life, so if I give up, I lose every hope of winning. Only fighting will get me to a spot where I can feel peaceful.

So I've been trying to call that therapist 3 times during the last 15 minutes, and only get her voicemail, even though it says she can be reached at this time.
See? She hates me before even knowing I exist! How pathetic is that!?
I'll try again.

Well, she's not there, so I'll have to e-mail her, which she won't like, but it's her fault, if she doesn't want to talk to me!
In 12 minutes I'll call another therapist, let's hope that at least they are there to take my calls...

And now I've finally found someone who's willing to meet me, so not everyone hates me, the world is not against me, I don't have to throw my phone against the wall, that guy was amazing and understanding, and I just hope those suckers won't make me wait for months to give me therapy.

And I'm disappointed they probably can't get me an appointment before next week.
Shouldn't I be important? Maybe I should have made myself more clear about how important it is, but I didn't want them to think I'm suicidal or something. But still, I have a habit of downplaying my symptoms when I'm cormered, especially when I feel happy as I just did because I finally reached someone. Now I think he thinks I'm a healthy happy person who just doesn't like school. I would have much rather told him the list of symptoms of BPD that I have, but doctors hate anything that relates to self-diagnosis so I had to pretend like I don't know anything about BPD so they don't tell me I don't have it or whatever.
I'm getting a headache, I need to cool down and definitely stop writing.

Have a nice day, anyone who reads this!

So it's 3 am and I can't make myself sleep, even though it's hardly believable that I absolutely HAVE to get up at 9, because I'm going to call a few therapists and see if I can finally get myself some therapy from someone who at least has some understanding of BPD.
It's looking great, and I've got a really good feeling with this one therapist, and I just hope I don't have to wait several months before I get an appointment -.-
Apart from that, I was outside for the first time in several days today, on a "date" with my mother's bf, whom I obviously hate for taking away my mother, I also hate the two of them together because they remind me of the sad fact that even my mother can get a great bf at her age, and I can't even seem to find anyone who likes me even though I'm still young and all that.
Well maybe that's not true. But of course whenever someone starts really liking me, I lose interest, or get scared or overreact over something simple and break up.
Anyway, shouldn't it be easier to find a nice, understanding, goodlooking guy for whom I'm the only thing in the universe that matters and who would do anything for me?
I guess I just wish I didn't have so high expectations. I mean, I always find something wrong with a guy, and if there's nothing wrong, he's surely sadistic and doesn't care for me at all.
Like that friend of mine whom I'm not talking to anymore because he still hasn't apologized properly. But I can't stop talking to him because I need him. And even though he doesn't care, I need to do my best to change that. I don't know. I'm just hopeless.
If I met the perfect guy, I wouldn't be interested and the worse a guy treats me, the more obsessed I get. I've got this whole "spending all day online just to wait for him to get online and talk to him" thing. I was once so crazed about a guy whom I hardly knew that I stayed online until like 3am and he still wouldn't come. And I'd be so mad at him, and mad at me for being so crazy about him, and mad at him again because he's obviously not as interested as me or he wouldn't keep me waiting all this time.
I seriously started a computer diary while waiting for that guy. He's the most irreliable asshole ever and I had to happen to stumble across him.

So yes, I should be sleeping. But I feel like I'm gonna freak because I just hate phone calls to strangers, and having to call strangers to talk about therapy (I'm not good at talking to therapists, either) is really hard for me. Plus, I feel like if I open up to any kind of doctor or therapist again, that they won't get me, invalidate my feelings and make me feel worse than ever. But I do need therapy! Hmm hopeless...

But maybe I do find some great therapist tomorrow, the "therapist of my life" (someone new to obsess about... -.- )

No. Tomorrow could be a good day. But only if I let it. Only if I stop writing now and go to bed, get at least a little sleep so I can concentrate tomorrow when I bring myself to do those little necessary things in order to make life easier. No worries, it's going to be fine. Just sleep now.

Goodnight <3

Today I talked to my mother about how it hurts me when she doesn't take my feelings seriously. She said that she didn't mean to, she takes me very seriously and she's proud of me, no matter what happens.
I guess that's black and white thinking, me thinking someone means to harm me and is absolutely evil just because I get hurt by what they say or do. I saw my mother this way, also when she was an alcoholic (which made my life harder in so many ways), I was angry at her for doing that to me. Not that it was all about me, but I took it personally.
Same with my dad, whom I just recently raged against, because I was mad at him for leaving me alone 3 years ago with my alcoholic mother. Even though he told me he couldn't have stayed and that he even gave me the option to come with him, I just had to see him as the evil traitor who left me alone.

It's true, sometimes when I'm mad at someone I don't even know anymore whether I'm right or they are. Do I just victimize myself?
I always have to wait at least a few hours until I can see the situation more clearly and think about whether my accusation are founded, also I have to try harder to understand what the other is going through.

Another example for this is that I had a fight with a friend a few days ago, when I was feeling lonely and got the stupid idea to ask him how much he cares for me.
When he didn't give me the exact answer that I was expecting, I started screaming at him, insulting him by telling him everything that had been building up inside me but that I had been too polite to say before.
He tried to fight back, and then told me "you're not even trying, you just wallow in self-pity" which sent me off the edge. It hurt me so bad because I hate being told that I'm not trying when all I do is try to get better, and I told myself I'd never talk to that asshole again.

The next day, I thought it over and felt like I should apologize to him. I did have a lot to apologize for and I knew it, but I also knew that he had to apologize for that last horrible statement aswell.
When I talked to him, I talked for a long while, apologizing and explaining to him how it was part of my illness aswell. When I was finished, he simply said he forgave me.
So I asked him if he didn't want to apologize for anything, waiting for an apology that seemed appropriate for me.
But all he came up with was, "I apologize if I offended you". I tried to stay calm and walked away, but that talk had me feeling like he hadn't understood a word of what I had said.

I mean I had told him that he'd made me cry, and the last time I made someone cry it made me start cutting!!!
How could he be so indifferent to causing me pain? I mean he apologized, but it was so stiff, so emotionless. It just didn't seem sincere to me.

So even though I overreacted during our first conversation, I genuinely apologized the next time I saw him, but he didn't.
So I still feel like my anger is justified, even though my first reactiong to our argument was over the top.

Also, I don't know if anyone else always feels that way, but I've been thinking for years that in an argument, I'm always the one who apologizes first. I've thought so many times that I would just love to have my mum come into my room after a fight and tell me how sorry she is and how wrong it was of her to behave the way she had. But no, it never happened, it was always me going to her, me going to my friends, me apologizing first nearly every time. It makes me feel like the people around me don't care about me enough, and that's exactly the point.
Why doesn't anyone care!?