I am not saying my therapist is a poser. I don't even have a therapist. We'll get to that in a second.

Nic posted recently (http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic85083.html) about having a time loss issue that he wanted to address. One poster said to ask my alters what they did, or get their memories.

We have been doing this for years, but it hadn't occured to me till just now that having that option is a little bit weird.

If we are truly all people (And we ######6 are, by the way. Alters are people too), then it is odd to be able to tap into one's memories. You couldn't do that with any other person, just alters. Kinda ######6 weird, which is my point: People think DID is fake because of weird $#%^ like that. "Oh, you can access your other personalities memories, but you can't remember my birthday? No, its fine..." kind of thing. And they have a valid point (well, some of them): why can we recall other alters memories, but not remember things like being raped or how I had sex with Kelsey but Nic doesn't have one damn second of memory about the whole experience, without outside help saying "Yeah, this happened" or us finding proof? The proof always triggers a less-than-one-second flash memory that all the alters ######6 see, but guys like Nic or Zack can't remember sex?

Thats just an odd thing I have been thinking about these past few days. The other thing is how people on the forums, having no advice to give or having no insight what so ever, will always dole out the cliched "You should ask your therapist about it" line.

Let me make this real ######6 clear: Some of us cannot afford a ######6 therapist. It would be nice, sure, but we simply can't afford to do so. We also don't have time. Well, most of us. "We don't have time" usually means "I WANNA WATCH ######6 DEXTER, AND ###$ YOU FOR ASKING", but we do have college and homework and such that we do
A) Actually like doing this semester, and
B) HAVE TO ######6 DO. ITS HOMEWORK, YOU #####&.

Secondly, if you can't say something useful, shut the ###$ up! That ######6 simple! We don't even appreciate that your just trying to help anymore! If you suggest "Oh, go ask your therapist" then WHY THE ###$ AM I ON THESE ######6 FORUMS?!!!?!?!?! I come to YOU for help because
A) You have the same condition we do.
B) Because of A), we know we can talk openly and you will understand and help.
C) Its ######6 FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Besides paying $40 a month for internet, and $100 (average) for power, THIS SERVICE, ######6 PsychForums, is ######6 freeeeeee.

Get it? So, if you have genuine advice to give, by all means, give it. If its just a suggestion to talk to your ######6 therapist, move the ###$ along. You can help somewhere else. Just not here.

-C.Nic
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>>NEXT TIME: Part 4 of 8, with either David, Derrick, JR2 or Brian. Probably Brian. No idea why, though.

Class is starting in 15 minutes, so here is the basics:

My last avatar (Linked in my last post) was apparently triggering. Which is fine, I can see why: some dumbass lit his crotch on fire and his buddies stomped it out. But then, as a joke, I found 3 more GIF's to see if I could possibly make that my avatar. They said no to each one.

One GIF was of a "human-sized" hamster wheel, and a guy spinning inside of it. A ######6 hamster wheel is a trigger now.

If it is one, sorry. I had no idea spinning was a trigger. I guess thats why you don't go on merry-go-rounds or use roundabouts.

So, instead, I made my own TRIGGER-FREE GIF. Its just text, against a black background. If this is somehow triggering, its not me that the problem, its clearly you.

Merry Christmas, numnuts!

-C.Nic

This is the new GIF:
http://twisternederland.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Eqmql.gif

Some on here may find this triggering. Good. Question why a man getting kicked after lighting himself on fire is a trigger. I mean, if he made it, and you made it, then whats the problem now! God, all you do is complain...

-C.Nic
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>>NEXT TIME: Honestly, this was unexpected. Next time, I honestly have no idea. The radio thing, maybe? Eh, who ######6 knows/cares. Certainly not me. Be honest: Did you think I would upload this GIF? I certainly didn't.

HOW ######6 HARD IS IT TO SPELL WORDS? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MOST BROWSERS NOW A DAYS HAVE A ######6 SPELL CHECKER. GOOGLE CHROME, ITS JUST RIGHT CLICK ON A ######6 MISSPELLED WORD AND SELECT THE RIGHT ######6 ONE! THAT ######6 SIMPLE!!!

HOW THE ###$ CAN YOU SPELL SOMETHING WRONG THESE DAYS?? IF ITS PEN AND PAPER ON ON A WHITE BOARD, I UNDERSTAND, BUT ######6 COMPUTERS??!!! HOW THE ###$ DO YOU MESS UP THE ALPHABET? ESPECIALLY WHEN THE RIGHT WORD IS LITERALLY JUST A ######6 CLICK AWAY???

-C.Nic
-----------------
>>NEXT TIME: We may have our story of DID published on Radio Boise. If this post wasn't incriminating enough, I, a male, have become pregnant with triplets by the hand of the current President of the United States. Stay tuned!

The AIDS test is very scary to get. It doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, and I say, 'Hey Brian, do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool, 'cause you know me.'
-Mitch Hedburg

When Zack first started freaking out about possibly contracting AIDS from our first GF, Kelsey, we all went through hell for a month. The convinent thing is that with our condition, we barley remember any of it. Seriously! We cannot remember a ######6 thing other than when we looked up the early symptoms of AIDS (During the beginning of ######6 flu season, mind you) on the Mayo Clinic website, we were listening to the last track that was all spoken word on that new Kanye West album. And we got up, and we went down the hallway, and the lights kept flashing by, because we were walking faster and faster because we were freaking out, but all we could think about was "Flashing lights, oh God, thats another symptom". We honestly thought we were dying for almost 8 months even though all the evidence pointed to the opposite being true: Other than a weight problem, we were perfectly healthy.

We have donated blood 3 or 4 times now. And each time, they do the most sensitive testing to make sure no donations with STD's get into the blood bank. And even though our GF actually donated to prove she was clean, we never heard word from the Red Cross. And that was a bad sign.

In reality, they only call when something has gone wrong. Them not calling was a good thing. But like after a first date, we had our phones on constantly, waiting for the call to come in. *RINGRING* "HELLO" "youhaveaids"**CLICK,HANGS UP** "NAHOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!". That was never going to ######6 happen.

Paranoia is a strong tool to utilize against anybody, but especially nervous people like Zack. He made us all think that we had AIDS and we were all dying, but when we looked at the facts:
1. All her BF's were virgins.
2. The odds of a virgin being such a dick to not mention having AIDS or even living to 17 years old is extremely unlikely.
We then realized we were dumbasses. She had already broken up with us via text and we (well, me really) masturbated myself into a stupor for the next 9 months hating on her for being a stupid ######6 @@@@@@@ whore. And, while that is true (You get that honor when you do 4 men at once without more than 2 knowing the other is in the loop), I can see why she did what she did.

But its getting worse: Nic's memory of her is fading fast. I did stupid $#%^ while I was pissed at her like unfriending her and deleting all messages and photos and what-not, not realizing that Nic needs to have certain things to remember anything. Thats why we don't like change: Because if something has changed, then the memory of that thing before it was changed is basically gone, unless its something REALLY memorable. But, otherwise... poof. ######6 gone.

So I need to find a way to let her know what is going on without pissing her off again. I could just tell her... but that doesn't seem to work well with, well, anyone.

Sigh. Better start planning.

-C.Nic