I went to the Dr this morning. Not my usual Dr though because she is off sick. I'm low on iron, so now I have to take iron supplements twice daily on top of my aripiprazole. Bloody fantastic. Stupid eating disorder.

I've been eating too, and maintaining my weight, and at a whole stone lower my body was fine, and then I was never eating...

I don't understand. I was sick last night too, we think it's a stomach bug and that maybe my immune system is shot to pieces due to deficiencies. I'm gurgling this morning, but nothing too severe so I should be OK.

I got caught out with the pencil sharpener. I bought it because my head told me too, and I accidentally left the receipt on the table. Bummer.

My head just wants to self harm so much, I can't contain it any more. I see my psych on friday.

My voices are daily almost again now, which is $#%^. And annoying. My CC was like "wall that's an improvement that you've not had any for 5-6 weeks" and I thought, "No, it seems more like a relapse to me" I think I was right.Nevermind. Like I said, I see my psych on friday. xx

Well my food plan is pointless at the minute because I'm poorly. I'mm having a bad bout of IBS, so eating is difficult, but I'm hungry so I'm sticking to my plan of "something" for lunch and dinner. For lunch it was half a bowl of pasta, with ketchup for some flavour but not too much for my stomach to handle.

I've lost weight though thanks to my IBS, so I don't mind too much. I mean, I mind the pain and everything, but the weight loss, that's welcome. 112.8lb, nearly 7stone something. I'm pretty much bang on 8stone. Which is better because I nearly reached 9 stone on Olanzapine and FREAKED. I'm still losing the weight gain, 105lb to 124lb in a matter of weeks. And Months later I'm struggling on to lose it again.

It's nice too to not be on the verge of "anorexic" but to be safely a couple decimal points under. I'm not in recovery for my eating disorder, I'll admit that. Whether I ever get better or not I don't know, but please don't criticise me. The main focus is my Dissociative Disorder, which is driving me batty.

They say it's within the setting of an Emotionally Unstable Personality, which means BPD. I disagree. I think my old diagnosis of just a dissociative identity disorder was maybe extreme but on the right tracks. I think they have changed it for purposes related to funding panels because my funding was denied.

###$ you funding cuts - and rich parents that won't pay out. ###$ you all.

I'm experiencing intrusive thoughts again, but not as severe as yesterday: although, they really want me to cut. REALLY want me to cut and made me buy a pencil sharpener earlier for the blades. I hate cutting. I hate the aftermath, I hate the blood, the pain everything....but someone inside of me gets something our of it: a release or something. Maybe they get kicks, I don't know. I'm going to try and sleep it off. I"ve just been told to hide the blades first.

I'm powerless. I want to live, and she doesn't. She wants to self destruct. *sigh*

I'm OK. I just saw a picture of my Dad on Facebook. That makes me bitter. He's with a baby, holding the baby and I felt like commenting, Attempt No. 2 at raising a child without abusing her. But I didn't. I just scrolled past it. Last year he told me to get out of his life for good, so I did, and that's where we are: a long story short.

I also weighed more this morning. I didn't stick to my plan yesterday. I'm rubbish at sticking to plans at the moment my eating routine is to eat lunch and to eat dinner. No snacks other than drinks. It's working in the way that I'm not bingeing. I'm Ok. I'm not losing though.

I need to turn one meal into liquid, i.e. Ovaltine, and keep the other to a moderate meal. I feel like that time will come naturally. It always has done before. So we'll see how I feel later. I had stopped counting calories, but I think I'm going to start again. So I can't eat anything unless I know the cals. That's my only rule on what I can and cannot eat. With exception of my Birthday party, my Birthday and my girlfriend's Birthday.

So for now, I'm counting the calories of my 2 meals. We'll see how I go. I should be under 1000 daily really.

Which is less than my previous plan of 1200 calories.

xx

I want to lose weight, still. I've been 114.4 lb for a very long time now. Well nearing to 2 weeks anyway, which is a long time to stay at the exact. same. decimal.

EXACT!

My dissociation was playing with my mind yesterday, and now in fact I have a dual thought track running in my head to Overdose. I don't want to, the thought track - who ever that is, does! I was a child yesterday. I was watching myself, and another came out to play. I could see myself, questioned myself why are you acting like this...but I was gone, in a "state" because I've been diagnosed with states not identities: probably because I'm more aware and probably because I can remember things and apparently m personalities don't have fully formed identities yet. In other words, I'm not as severe as DID, but I have "states".

I think that's what came out to play yesterday. It's scary.