Its getting harder and harder every single day! I am crying more and more, even though I am on a steady anti-depressant (300 mg daily/Buproprion). I am realizing that I am becoming bitter and hopeless by the day. My bf and I are not compatible at all but we have been trying. I have come to the conclusion that this relationship needs to end or my life does. Not that he's the issue in my life, he is one of the many issues in my life. Seems like everything is going south yet people who don't know wouldn't have the slightest clue that I have this feeling. For over a year now actually.

I work for a good company but a bad boss as in he doesn't appreciate me nor any of his people actually. Right now, it is only he and I in the office. Others have quit because he wasn't paying them good enough. I agree but sadly, this is all I have. $10/hr job, no benefits, no PTO no nothing. It saddens me because of where I came from. I can't survive on this let alone take care of me and my mom. So, after all of the issues with my bf, I am still staying with him because I can't afford to leave...nor stay.

EVERY SINGLE DAY someone calls in at my job and curses me out about unhappy they are with the service. As they are taking their frustrations out on me, I want to return the favor but since the call "may be monitored for training purposes," I hold back. Usually the day before, I slept in the closet on the floor crying my eyes out to then come to a place I hate which is called work and get cursed out every day??! My mood is either neutral or negative. I am no longer positive and if so, maybe for 5 minutes.

As I am home sad/crying/suicidal, my bf just leaves for hours and doesn't tell me where he's going or when he's coming back. OR, he gets dressed and goes out to the club. Who does that??! Now, he's starting to not only leave and come home in the middle of the night, he will also LEAVE in the middle of the night. He will leave at crazy hours 5/6/7am... SMH. No, I do not call/text and inquire. I just get more sad or angry.

At almost 49 years old, I would have thought he would be more mature but that is not the case. He knows how I feel because I tell him. He just chooses to respond to it the way he does by leaving. He's a self-centered asshole who is very absorbed in himself and his needs. I have lost my libido a while back and the doctors say my hormones are normal - it is the result of my depression. I probably would give (even if not in the mood which most cases I'm not) him sex 3 -4 times a week. This man is still unhappy because he wants that many, PER DAY.

He expects that since he's independent and doesn't ask me to do anyhing that I should be the same. This asshole was in the house on the couch watching football - I called him and said I'm outside with groceries and asked if he could help me. I had a lot of groceries and I spent a lot of money on them for both he and I to eat...he comes out and says that he almost didn't get up to help me because football was on. I got sooooooo angry because he NEVER feels like doing anything that I ask of him. Seriously! I thought the point of being in a relationship is so that you can have someone to depend on and a supporter/companion. I asked him to take me to a doctor's appointment. His response, "I'm on call." Now yes, I was saddened by this because the doctor's office wasn't far and he could have been dressed ready for work just in case - the doctor's office is also close to where he works. His ass stayed in the bed. NOW - one day we are at a friend of mine's home and he invited us to an event the following week. This dude (my bf) has the audacity to say, "I'm on call but maybe I'll just have my clothes in the car just in case." NO HESITATION! I'm beyond pissed. This is how he is. He doesn't ask me to do things but he EXPECTS me to do things for him. He expects me to have sex with him and be happy to give it to him. I can't,...

[ Continued ]

I had an interview today at 1pm for a great career opportunity. Since being laid off in October 2012, it has been hard to get back on track again. It has been quite a rocky road. Yet after recently being being diagnosed with BPD, I no longer want it to defeat me. I want to see my glass half full. I have been pounding the pavement for my next job opportunity that will not only allow us to pay the bills but allow us to not live check to 2 weeks before the next check.

Among the issues with my BPD, my bf has taken all of my crap and it has has been hard for him to cover everything. Amazingly we're struggling but when people see us, they think we're the perfect couple without any troubles. Sadly, it is far from the truth. We have yet to pay our rent on time since we moved here. He needs help, I know he does.

He has 2 kids from previous relationships which includes child support. 1 of them is requesting an increase due to her recent divorce. This child has a mercedes, takes cruises as well as other trips and she's only 15! She had the audacity to text her dad about a recent trip to DC and how he's not doing his part in providing funds for her trips and her mom and grandmother must take care of everything. Really?! SMH

My bf recently endured a stroke a year ago and due to the type of career he has...everything is at risk. We may only have $50 amongst the two of us that has to last between now and next payday, all the bills are past due and of course, it doesn't matter what you're going through, everyone wants their money. He continues to call in sick in order to keep his job but at the same time, it's without pay. He has good days and bad days.

Don't get me wrong, I have applied at lots of jobs that were entry level, interns as well as fast food restaurants. "You have too much experience" or "You don't have enough experience." I am sitting and waiting. Though I continue to hear from others to be patient, patience doesn't keep my car from being empty, food for us nor keeping the phone bill paid to continue getting job opportunities.

I lost my house about a year ago as I tried to do whatever it took to keep it but was unsuccessful. I was very independent and had my mother living with me who has schizophrenia for 4 years. Everything I worked hard for, crumbled. I had a pretty hard life growing up and I feel that made me even more determined. I never forgot where I came from. I just want to give my bf what he deserves...appreciation for staying by my side even with all of these issues and troubles. I don't know where I would be right now. There's no one else.

I feel I have given the world my all. I am such a giver. I empathize and I help others with all of my being. I guess I do not understand why I'm going through so much. I have helped family members, friends and I've even been duped a few times as well. Throughout it all, I contributed my efforts genuinely. So why am I going through this?

My bf has yet to meet the woman that I used to be. Confident, independent with less tears - that's the woman I want him to see. No need to drift away now - at least that's what I'm continuing to say to myself.


My_Realization

Since being diagnosed only a few days ago, it has been an eye opener for me in a positive way. I guess it is nice to not feel like I am the only one that acts and feels the way that I do. Unable to get the emotional support I deserve from my mate and unable to open up to anyone else - they is my place of virtue.

My username is "My_Realization" due to the fact that I am coming to terms with my diagnosis. I really thought that I had clinical depression but now that is only a part of my diagnosis. I told my therapist a few days ago, "I'm tired of being sad. I am tired of the relapses."

I no longer want to be a victim nor do I want others around me to continue suffering from my mental state.

For starters, I have realized this: I am not perfect nor anyone else. As BPD has an idea of what the perfect mate is or should be, I am coping to respect the fact that it is not true.

My bf lacks empathy. Why is this an issue? I lack the ability to manage my emotions. I am trying to respect that we all have something about ourselves that may not mesh with others. It is a daily task to remember my determination to overcome and to not: Take things out of context, not to read between the lines and nor always be suspicious of others.

I have always felt that others were up to no go. I know that inherited this from my step-grandmother who'd always suspect me of doing something wrong. I got tired of it but there wasn't anything I can do about it. Now, I notice I do it to my bf all the time. What is worse is that, there isn't anything he can do to make me believe otherwise.

I only speak of my bf because he's the only 1 that I interact with on a daily basis. I am currently searching for work and usually stay indoors unless he and I go out which is depending on my mental state for that day. I don't want me to spend my living days, sulking.

If my experiences can have a relation to others, I am open to their thoughts and struggles without judgement. I am here with open arms and desire to only help others cope with their mental disability.

Everyone's life is valuable. Everyone is special and everyone deserves to be happy. I am even realizing that myself about my own depression. I want to be a success story and show that you can indeed recover.

Thank you.

My_Realization