My heart is still hurting. I left for Cancun Friday – Monday. Currently on my flight typing. Honestly, this trip did total opposite of what friends thought it would – It did NOT stop me from thinking about him but instead it made me think about him even more.
I’ve decided to not move back to Europe (right now). Friends don’t want me to leave. I too don’t want to leave either, I just don’t want to run into him.
I cried 4 times during my vacation. Came close to crying about 10 times but tried my hardest to change my thoughts to cope. I know there’s no magic pill. Just venting. I got weak and I called him a couple of days ago. SMH. I got the cold shoulder and hung up on. He reiterated that he knew what he did was wrong and I didn’t deserve it but he is going to stick with his decision and stay with her, right or wrong. He said he wish he could make things right. BS. I told him, he could if we simply tried this and actually go THROUGH counseling together. That’s when he said he’s sticking to his decision. “I am picking up food for us and I am heading to her place….what do you want me to do??!:
Question: Do you think it was necessary for him to tell me that? Do you think he’s intentionally hurting me?
SMH. He told me when we got back together for 2 days that, “with or without you in my life, she and I will NOT be together. I just know it because she is too-self-absorbed.” Telling me that even B couldn’t take his mind off of me and how much he loved me. Seemingly, what I have been hearing is total opposite of what he has been doing.
He keeps saying that he didn’t lie to me when he said he wanted to be with me, have a child, marriage, etc. I so believe that but I believe that he has multiple personalities or something. I keep trying to make sense of it. He hung up on me and I called right back about 2 times and all I got was the decline button. This man was just in bed professing his love to me less than 2 weeks ago. I sat out on the patio of the hotel and took in the sights while in Mexico…I started crying. I would have loved for us to had gone there together.
Plus, getting on and off the plane, airports, etc…makes me miss him even more. I continue to hurt myself as I’ve been constantly reminded because one thing this man has been consistent with is hurting me. Why do I love/want something back like that? What gets to me more is that every time this man came to me and asked to get back together over the years, even when it was me who was fed up with him and I’d leave…he always come back and ask to lets make it work. I feel I got tossed so easily because of this new trophy. Where is the loyalty?! He doesn’t give what he asks for in return and I can’t seem to get past that.
I want to let go immediately but my heart won’t let me. This guy has seen me with someone out when he kept dropping me and told me, “how could you possibly love me if you’re so quick to move on to the next?!” Really??? That same night he saw me with someone, he begged me back. I fell for it. Broke up with me 9 days later.
One of my closest friends on the trip has been helping me through it. I’ve broken down in front of him and he’s been talking to me to cope. He said something that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. He said, “The guys you’ve dated…I feel like none of them deserved you because you’re just too good of a person. They’re not good enough.” Man…I cried. I was there on vacation physically but not mentally. That bothered me even more.
I am just going to be honest. I plan to fill my plate up with guys and just enjoy the single life again. Try to anyways. If someone says/does something I don’t like, I immediately cut them off, no second chances. I’ve always been that way, with the exception of people I loved. Back to the old me. My friend reminded me that years ago I was strong and I’d walk away from a guy unscathed. He’s right. I did because my feelings weren’t involved. It is har...
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