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My_Realization
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Joined: Mon May 12, 2014 4:49 pm
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- July 2017
From Monday 18 July 2017
   Wed Jul 19, 2017 4:32 am
Song Is Exactly Me Right Now
   Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:28 am
In Route to Cancun NOW and Still Feel Down
   Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:25 am
Breakup #10 within 4 Months
   Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:23 am

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From Monday 18 July 2017

Permanent Linkby My_Realization on Wed Jul 19, 2017 4:32 am

My heart is still hurting. I left for Cancun Friday – Monday. Currently on my flight typing. Honestly, this trip did total opposite of what friends thought it would – It did NOT stop me from thinking about him but instead it made me think about him even more.

I’ve decided to not move back to Europe (right now). Friends don’t want me to leave. I too don’t want to leave either, I just don’t want to run into him.

I cried 4 times during my vacation. Came close to crying about 10 times but tried my hardest to change my thoughts to cope. I know there’s no magic pill. Just venting. I got weak and I called him a couple of days ago. SMH. I got the cold shoulder and hung up on. He reiterated that he knew what he did was wrong and I didn’t deserve it but he is going to stick with his decision and stay with her, right or wrong. He said he wish he could make things right. BS. I told him, he could if we simply tried this and actually go THROUGH counseling together. That’s when he said he’s sticking to his decision. “I am picking up food for us and I am heading to her place….what do you want me to do??!:

Question: Do you think it was necessary for him to tell me that? Do you think he’s intentionally hurting me?

SMH. He told me when we got back together for 2 days that, “with or without you in my life, she and I will NOT be together. I just know it because she is too-self-absorbed.” Telling me that even B couldn’t take his mind off of me and how much he loved me. Seemingly, what I have been hearing is total opposite of what he has been doing.

He keeps saying that he didn’t lie to me when he said he wanted to be with me, have a child, marriage, etc. I so believe that but I believe that he has multiple personalities or something. I keep trying to make sense of it. He hung up on me and I called right back about 2 times and all I got was the decline button. This man was just in bed professing his love to me less than 2 weeks ago. I sat out on the patio of the hotel and took in the sights while in Mexico…I started crying. I would have loved for us to had gone there together.

Plus, getting on and off the plane, airports, etc…makes me miss him even more. I continue to hurt myself as I’ve been constantly reminded because one thing this man has been consistent with is hurting me. Why do I love/want something back like that? What gets to me more is that every time this man came to me and asked to get back together over the years, even when it was me who was fed up with him and I’d leave…he always come back and ask to lets make it work. I feel I got tossed so easily because of this new trophy. Where is the loyalty?! He doesn’t give what he asks for in return and I can’t seem to get past that.

I want to let go immediately but my heart won’t let me. This guy has seen me with someone out when he kept dropping me and told me, “how could you possibly love me if you’re so quick to move on to the next?!” Really??? That same night he saw me with someone, he begged me back. I fell for it. Broke up with me 9 days later.

One of my closest friends on the trip has been helping me through it. I’ve broken down in front of him and he’s been talking to me to cope. He said something that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. He said, “The guys you’ve dated…I feel like none of them deserved you because you’re just too good of a person. They’re not good enough.” Man…I cried. I was there on vacation physically but not mentally. That bothered me even more.

I am just going to be honest. I plan to fill my plate up with guys and just enjoy the single life again. Try to anyways. If someone says/does something I don’t like, I immediately cut them off, no second chances. I’ve always been that way, with the exception of people I loved. Back to the old me. My friend reminded me that years ago I was strong and I’d walk away from a guy unscathed. He’s right. I did because my feelings weren’t involved. It is har...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edit

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Song Is Exactly Me Right Now

Permanent Linkby My_Realization on Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:28 am

Artist: Lyfe Jennings
Song: Always
Album: Tree of Lyfe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZZkoO5vYjQ

0 Comments Viewed 3485 times

In Route to Cancun NOW and Still Feel Down

Permanent Linkby My_Realization on Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:25 am

Friends thought it would be a good idea that I take a trip to Cancun with them. They are already there and I am in route as we speak (write/read). I was excited at first and eager to go. As I make it through the airport and finally get to my gate…during the whole time, I started feeling down. This is the type of trip that he and I could/should have been going on. I am sad again.

All that comes to mind is what he is doing with his new so called “rebound gf.” We were broken up for 2 weeks and guess what…for 2 weeks, he was talking to her. He can’t be by himself it seems. I keep trying to figure him out but I am learning that I can’t. I can only figure myself out. Still hurts.

I brought enough clothes to keep me in Cancun for 2 weeks even though I’ll only be there for 4 days. I have played it out in my head, me having fun with friends. Throughout the simple trip through the airport was difficult. This was supposed to be an US trip! I wish he could see me now.

CO-DEPENDENT they say? If so, that’s fine with me at this very moment. I simply miss him and wish he’d change. I just never thought that he’d throw me away like he did. Literally throw me away! Plenty of people at work, strangers….would never look at me and guess that I am going through what I am going through. It just breaks my heart that I am missing him and I feel that he isn’t even thinking about me like that.

He has someone to keep his mind off of me. Someone to wake up next to. Someone to text and call all day long. Someone to occupy him whenever he wants. Me? No one. I don’t think I’m better nor do I feel lonely. I simply just miss him.

If I ever get into another relationship, I feel I am going to be too harsh on them that I may still loss another relationship. I know that I wont be able to trust like I trusted him. I feel that I would be prepared to doubt every single thing that comes out of their mouth with the exception of anything that I physically witness. Sad but, thanks to this bastard, here I am.

I feel that I am more damaged leaving this relationship than I was going in. Ain’t that something? Maybe once I get to my destination, I can be occupied. Sadly, all I am thinking/hoping/wishing is to meet someone there and take my mind off of my ex. I do not want them for a relationship nor sex. I simply just want someone to talk to. Someone who will look forward to seeing me, talking me.

I am scared all over again about abandonment that I don’t feel I could get close again. This was my first and definitely going to be my last that I trust someone with my whole heart. I just simply can’t take the risk again. Not like this. Suicidal thoughts, hurting myself, wishing I would stop feeling the pain inside.

PLEASE – how can it be so easy for him and not me?!

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Breakup #10 within 4 Months

Permanent Linkby My_Realization on Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:23 am

Yes, my heart still hurts. It gets to me throughout the day. It's like a death. While he's out doing what he's doing with his new gf, I am left with trying to pick up the pieces. I never met a person so cold in my life. Heartless. He's 51 years old. (I'm 34).

This man knew all of my insecurities, vulnerabilities. He took it and he used it against me, intentionally hurting me as he left. How can someone do this to another human being?

I feel it is indeed the NPD, but I also feel that he loved me. Was he ever in love with me at all? The pain I am feeling is so intense. Just the thought of the intentional pain he has put me through just makes me wonder...

I feel he wanted to rip my heart out as he left me the way he did. I am more sad than ever that the person I trusted the most with my heart - broke me down in the worst way.

Never in a million years could anyone tell me that he would break my heart intentionally. Stomp on it and everything else in between. He cannot be possibly human. Can't be.

Crazy enough...I still love him. Working on trying not to, day by day. The pain though is definitely going to stick with me for a while. He is simply a walking contradiction. He made promises that he never kept. He had morals that even he didn't abide. He had beliefs that he didn't respect.

This man claimed he didn't lie nor cheat. I believed all of it! What is worse is that he intentionally verbally abused me as he made his exit. It seems like someone who sees you have a bad wound and instead of bringing a first aid kit, he brings a knife to drive it in deeper your my wounds....twisting it harder and harder WHILE saying the words, "I love you!"

48 hours this man made all the promises in the world to me and how things would be better.
He "acted" SO apologetic and even said he felt ashamed for how he has treated me. He understood that his words didn't mean much and promised he'd show me instead. And he DID. He showed his true side after less than 48 hours of making up with me he broke up with me again (10th time!) to get back with her. This man asked me for a child, marriage, moving in together again.

4 years with this man and he drops me to go back to a girl that he had only been dating for 2 weeks. He breaks up with me for the 2nd time, to go back to her and blatantly belittles me as he gets back with her.

- I've been there by his side in the hospital every single day when he had his stroke.

- I was there to bail him out when he was arrested. We weren't supposed to be around each other, yet he called me. I came to the rescue. SMH. Called his boss for him and made an excuse so he could keep his career.

- Helped his house hunting as he said it was "ours." Did the ground work, logistics, going alone with the realtor....the day he asked me to get the keys made - he breaks up with me the VERY NEXT DAY!

Just to see him kick me to the side like I didn't mean anything and then throw up in my face how much better this girl is compared to me?!

First, he has already lied and cheated on her with me. He has lied to me so many times in regards to him wanting me. I've never seen a human ...a YO-YO is more stable than this man I have been with for 4 years.

I met this even worse personality about 4 months ago. Oh, and by the way...he gave me a parting gift. He gave me an STI. I have gotten tested for everything else. The STI she confirmed on the spot. I am still waiting on the results for the other STDs. The doctor explained that if she calls - that means bad news. I am anxious and hoping that it is nothing worse.

After breaking up with me for the 2nd time within days....he says again within a day or 2 of doing it...he calls me and apologizes and asks for forgiveness. Really?!

Last time I said I didn't forgive him and wished that he would die. I also told him I knew I had at least an STI. So I WONDER if he told her about it. ###$ it, I am pissed he didn't...

[ Continued ]

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Breakup

Permanent Linkby My_Realization on Sun Dec 07, 2014 12:34 pm

I have heard this from him so many times over this year and a half relationship its sad. For whatever stupid reason, I beg him to let us try again. Today for the last time he wrote me via text that we are done - I didn't argue about it nor beg. Mind you - we live together and he texted me this #######4.

It all started yesterday while he was out of town in NY and he wrote me via text saying that "the honeymoon's over," and I was wondering what was he talking about. He explained that usually when I got off from work, I'd call him and let him know my next move or if I was on my way home. Now I talk to him about 3 - 5 times throughout the day via phone call while at work and constantly via text. WTF! He says that those don't count because I am constantly interrupted and it is annoying. So - why I am now just hearing this 6 months later? Anyways, I apologized and told him that I was on the phone when I left work and was talking to a few friends. He then asked who was I talking to - FOR REAL??! I couldn't believe this. I told him and I was thinking how crazy this is. MY BF is 48 YEARS OLD MIND YOU.

I said to him that I can't believe that he is tripping that I didn't call him yet until I got home and he explained to me for the first time that my pattern has changed for over 3 weeks now - I don't agree but whatever. This is all while he was out of town and this was Friday. He wasn't due to come back to GA until Monday. After our argument on Friday about the this BS, I turned my phone off and didn't turn it back on - how about the VERY NEXT DAY (Saturday) he was home! I knew why but he won't admit it.

When he got in, I tried to concede not once but twice with him - he wasn't trying to hear it. I go in the other room and lay on the floor crying until I fell asleep. This asshole leaves for the club. I didn't know this until I turned on my phone to see what time it was because I had slept for so long and didn't want to miss taking my meds. HE TEXTED me while in the house with me that he was going to the club. Now this comes from the asshole that complained that I did not check in/out with him. He did not come to me and tell me nor tell me when he got home. I got so angry when I read that text, I banged on the door at at 5:30 am and he yelled for me doing so - I went in the room and got my meds and we argued.

HE ALWAYS BRINGS UP HIS MOM TO ME ABOUT EVERY SINGLE THING. HE PUTS HER ON A PEDESTAL AND ITS SAD BECAUSE HE ALWAYS BRINGS HER UP AS THOUGH I SHOULD BE LIKE HER.

He leaves after the argument after he wouldn't speak to me and then he texts me and says that we are done - again via text. I am exhausted. I am with someone that if I ask for help with getting groceries out of the car, he will say that he doesn't feel like it. If I tell him about my day at work, he doesn't want to hear about it because it is "irrelevant" to him. He only wants to have sex with me 5 times a day ( I am not exaggerating) and if not, he gets upset.

He is very self centered and absorbed in himself. How did I end up with such a person? Now he faults me soley on the reason why this relationship is over...because of my depression. I disagree - I feel it is because he doesn't support me. If your woman is crying for hours, do you really put clothes on and go out to the club??

Sadly, thats how he is. Why do I stay? I really want this to work and secondly, I can't afford to leave. I have a horrible job that I had driving to every damn day. But to continue breaking up with me and unfriending me facebook like a teenager, maybe I am better off without him.

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