I woke up at 5am feeling a little low, and thinking about what I'm going through.

I'm worried that my psychiatrist might say I have schizoaffective, instead of just bipolar. He still hasn't told me what my diagnosis is. This could be good, or bad.

My father has schizoaffective, and I wish I didn't tell the doctor that. I feel that he'll just assume that must be what I have because of the first generation genetic link.

I asked him what the test results showed, and he said there are many signs of anxiety, but he's not diagnosing me with that as a primary diagnosis, but he said it's part of the bipolar features.

Well, he also said many of the things are atypical on the test. Then he didn't really elaborate, and I didn't want to ask anything else on that. He led into another thing that of which I don't remember.

This is making me feel irritated thinking about it! I feel I can't possibly show who I am or what I "have" in 2 sessions and several online tests through his portal. The time I told him I thought someone was watching me through online, and then coming for me in real life, was during a time that I was manic in 2010. I wasn't sleeping much, and that likely led to the delusion. (I need to ensure I tell him this detail at my next appointment) I got worried when he wrote things down and asked me how long that went on. I said I don't recall and took a guess of 2 weeks, then I said, no maybe 4. I never should have told him that I thought someone at work was saying something rude, intentionally to someone else, but it was meant to be about me.

I do think he's fairly nice, and calm, but he's cold. I don't like the way his body language is when he walks me to the door after the session. It makes me think he doesn't want to look at me, and it makes me wonder if he does that to everyone. (turn his back the way he does) His boring looking office really needs some color.

I love my father, but I don't want to have the same thing as him.

I don't know why it matters to me so much

If I get this diagnosis, I'm going to get a second opinion. I also won't tell them my family history.
This will be the true test then.