So, recently I've been going through some, I suppose, personal issues with my boyfriend.
I've been dealing with the aftermath of his indiscretions from his DID. Not an easy feat, mind you.
But the relationship has been feeling, for lack of a better term, dead. There's no romance, no sexual desire, no spark.
I mean, yes, we still have sex... but it's usually just a "get it over with" kind of thing. Mainly because I just don't feel connected to him.
I ended up cheating on him. Something I feel badly about, not because it happened, but because I didn't want to hurt him.
I keep wondering if maybe I should tell him, and get it over with... and just let the pieces fall where they may. Or just pretend it never happened, and stay stuck in a relationship that feels like a sinking ship. It might be the best thing to do for our relationship/sanity/life.
I've been told our relationship is toxic... and I'm starting to see it. Starting to feel it. I feel revolted when he touches me... I don't want to really do anything with him.. and am starting to avoid spending time with him by throwing myself into 50 and 60 hour work weeks.
But, on the other hand, I can't imagine my life without him in it. At the same time, I would rather fight with him that cuddle up with anyone else... but that really didn't seem the case when I cheated.

I'm just so confused on top of everything. And come to find out, last night when I was talking with my sister and mother, they were telling me so many things about how I was like between the ages of 13-18, I don't remember the majority of that time. They asked me if I could recall certain memories and I coulnd't. Or if I could, it was distorted, or didn't happen at all... Not even from my childhood, which I believe was a good childhood. I just can't remember the majority of it.
They also told me I would like certain things one day and hate them the next. And that apparently, I still do. My boyfriend also tells me I do that too...
What's wrong with me? Did I cheat to maybe find an easy way of the relationship I'm in, or am I trying to be self destructive? Why can't I remember things? Why do I make up memories?
Do I even know what's real and what's not? Am I a pathological liar? I don't know... but I'm determined to figure it out!