A music festival is one of the few places I feel confident. It's one of the few places that I feel like I belong and this being a British metalfest is even better. I've travelled to Germany for Waken and that is special, the mecca of metal but I like the smaller more family feel to Bloodstock.

We arrived late Thursday evening and pitched the tents after which we wandered to the arena. It seemed there had been a slight juggle and there were more stalls and less funfair stuff.

The first band that we went to see were actually the last band on that evening. Tragedy a metal disco cover band. Heavy metal versions of hits by the Bee Gees, ABBA and KC and the Sunshine band...oh and a cover of Grease is the word which was really very cool.

All said I had a full belly from greasy burgers and enough fizzy pop to give a dentist nightmares. Only one real problem, I was hypomanic and had been for the past few days. I figured I would burn it off during the festival. I, of course, was very, very wrong.

I gave up on sleep at around one in the morning and after that I decided I would go for a wander. I caught the last hour of the party and head-banged for the whole hour. Still not sleepy I was recruited by some people to hang out and drink beer. I didn't do that, instead I kept myself hydrated and stayed up until they all went to sleep. I wasn't tired in the slightest.

I bumped into one of them about 9ish in the morning and he was suffering from lack of sleep. He yelled me over and was rather vexed at what he saw. I was fresh and wide awake. He asked me what I was on (That made me laugh). I was just hypomanic was all and at that point in the weekend it had not developed into full blown mania. Truth was I felt in good spirits and was excited about a few of the bands playing that day. None more so than Dark Funeral.

Now to truly understand what the attraction is to Black Metal, you have to look into where it came from and what it was all about. Back in the day, it was about Satanism in a pure form. Meaning that Satan stood for evil. Unfortunately a few muppets spoiled it for the rest of us by committing acts of idiocy burning churches and murder. This would then become known as Satanic Terrorism. Once these idiots were out of the way however, Black Metal started to evolve into many wonderful and epic forms. Be it the proto-noise by Mayhem or the grand operatic tunes of Dimmu Borgir, Black metal was and is an incredibly popular sub-genre and where there was once only a small following. Now there are top 40 albums.

Dark Funeral are old school, from the second wave of Black Metal and are a very good musically gifted band. 30 mins of solid head banging and they were done.

I felt great and was buzzing around all over the place. The next few bands flew by and I don't remember much about them at all.

i do however remember King Diamond. Theatrical and grandiose, great fun and I was getting so high from the music that at first I didn't notice the strange stuff. I didn't notice the voices getting louder or what they were saying, I didn't notice they were changing into something unpleasant and disturbing. my Illness was about to come back and bite me big time. I was about to wish I was deaf...

Act 1:

(Interior shot a man sits at his computer desk typing and thinking. It would appear he is typing nonsense, nothing makes sense to him. He pulls up the menu and selects print. The sheet of nonsense is taken from the printer as soon as it prints out and straight away shreds it and throws it in the air and then repeats the process making a constant supply of confetti.)

I guess that this is my headspace right about now. I'm not saying I feel ill or that an episode is taking over. Frankly, I'm surprised that I have not totally lost it since I moved away. No, live, I function and I feel like I want a truck to hit me some days and others I feel like it will all be ok. Go figure.

Not a lot makes a lot of sense and I'm not sure this makes sense either. Maybe I should just start at the beginning and move from there.

I think I'm really headed to deep waters because this all feels like an illusion. Once you realise that, it's a slippery slope into oblivion and despair and frankly it's something I find impossible to ignore at the moment.

At the moment I can't say to anyone what is going on because I don't fully explain it myself. It's either a miracle or a cruel trick. Personally I'm hoping for miracle. I'm hoping with every fibre of my being that it is, I really am.

So where does logic take me with all of this?

Easy answer nowhere, nothing, never. this has nothing to do with logic. All I want is to be free. of the chains that hold me. I want freedom from everything. I'm sick of being MrNobody for real.

Maybe I should explain what I mean. I feel like I am defined by my illness and therefore I am nobody, I feel like I'm not so sure who I am without all the labels and stickers placed on me and need to figure that out. I need to look in the mirror and not see a stranger looking back at me just as confused. Who knows, maybe the mirror universe person is here for different reasons?

But maybe that is the real revelation that I am going to have. Maybe that is my revelation. Identity over understanding.

(Cut to man still typing, he continues to type, faster and faster becoming totally manic, this time we see the letters that he is typing. R,E,V,E,L,A,T,I,O,N.)

End of Act 1.

You don't know they say it until you find out.

How should you react to such things? They know you have that damned illness and some of them pretend to understand, or sympathise when all you want is to be left alone to your million thoughts. Each thought more important than the last. That novel you're going to right or the play you're gonna have a go at writing and get it produced and published because it is amazing. Maybe you prefer to read and realise you have not read all your graphic novels and need to ereal every single one again...oh wait lets not forget about music, ok so you can't play an instrument but you can sing, you're good at that, you know that. Back at work you start a drama club but you call it a "Youth Theatre" then people start to pronounce theatre in that horrible way as if its a posh way to pronounce the name Thea but still it does not matter because you know better, you grew up in a theatre because anything was better than being at home with a family who treated you like an idiot no matter how well you did. Then you're back to the Youth Theatre idea and you decide you are going to teach A-Level and Degree level theories to fourteen year olds. Thats ok, you can dazzle them with your infinite knowledge. It;s going to be amazing, do some spectacular "Proper" play, none of this musical crap...no wait it's not crap, you had a friend who schooled you in how passionate musical theatre can be. By that time you have volunteered to act as the accent coach and thats fine because you collect accents.

Am I confusing you? Well thats ok, I mean time has no meaning if you're Bipolar, what? You didn't know that? Well why didn't you? What do you mean I'm standing ouside speaking to myself? No I'm not, I'm sat at home.

Incoherent? Me? No way, look at all the things I am going to do, look at what I can achieve, isn't that good enough? Well isn't it? How can you possibly say that? Nobody can criticsize me not anymore, people used to do that are no longer in my life and the hell with them anyway.

There is so much more, I need to go and see ggs, OH a history of music lesson I know about that, a whole lesson on the progression of the Blues, just give me and hour and a CD player and I will blow some minds. Wait, No Black Sabbath or Zep, Clapton/Cream or Hendrix. How can you teach about The blues without...OK I get it but the furthest progressuion of the Blues came from one American and a bunch of Brits. How can you not see that? OBTUSE? I know one person that is being obtuse and it isn't me. Nor for that matter do i care for your tone when you talk to me like that. Sure you're a music teacher but that does not men that you more than me about all things music. I mean I'm offering my considerable expertise here and you throw it back at me? What the hell, did I deserve that?

Then a hand on your shoulder asking if you're alright? *What a stupid question to ask someone with Bipolar Disorder, how am I meant to reply? I maybe should be honest and say that I'm fine except for the crushing weight of humanity on my back or maybe yes I'm fine I haven't slept in four days. I could try yes all is good except for the need to slow down my thoughts because there are so many that seem so relevant. Maybe even, no I'm exceptionally Hypomanic, I have not slept for days, as well as having auditory hallucinations and a desire to carve up my arms constantly that I have to control just because am ain a job that has expectations. Lets face it, you don't want my answers, tthe answer you want is yes.

Oddly enough I can't remember how I got out here or for how long. Then I do, only been out a few minutes, my perception of time is messed up.

One laptop battery screw up and this happens. Glad it wasn't something serious.

Bloodstock part 3 and four are incoming but I thought I would talk about something that is making me really happy. Something that inspired me when I was younger and opened my mind to a concept that is still very alien to a lot of people.

In media (TV, film , books, etc.) Monsters can be the good guys.

I know, shock horror right? The number of people who can't seem to grasp the concept of a monster as a good guy is amazing. The more horrific the mosnter the more evil it must be. The more alien it looks the more dangerous it is. We are taught from a very early age to be afraid of monsters and also to fear the dark. I remember having nightmares when I was very young and keeping having them and running intto my parents room fearful for my life, only to be told to go back to bed because it wasn't real. I kept complaining and eventually the "culprit" was found. It was a Starwars poster with all the heroes on it. I was about six years old and I had the poster removed. Just so we are clear, that poster had NOTHING to do with my nightmares. Starwars was one of my things, something that I could take ownership of and daydream about and know it was alright. The bad guys were bad and good guys good (OK Vader doing the right thing at the end but that had to happen.

The nightmares continued and my parents did exactly nothing about them. My psychiatrist told me earlier this year that they were quite possibly an early sign of my illness, go figure.

I grew older and so did sci-fi, Blade Runner, Battle Beyond the Stars (The Magnificent Seven in space or the Seven Samurai), Superman, Empire, Jedi, Flash Gordon, Mad Max and the sequels, The Star Trek Movies (KHAAAAAAN!) more and more and I got older with them.

Eventually I got to watch the Alien movies (Alien and Aliens, not the sequels) and I discovered that horror was actually a lot of fun and that scary monsters didn't mean horrible gore and violence. On a side note every time I watch Alien it seems to have less and less blood spilled (Seriously try watching it now, it would get a 15 easy, ironicaly Aliens wouldn't because of the guns and violence.)

There was one movie however, that taunted me. I randomly saw a trailer on TV one night, it looked less like a horror movie and more fantasy. I knew however that was impossible, the director was also a horror writer as well as a director. His name was Clive Barker. His writing changed my outlook on life for the better.

"What are you reading that for? It looks disgusting"

Nope that wasn't my mum. No that was my sister, after I had bought The books of blood 1-3. I'm eight years the senior of my sister and she had more clout around the house. So I had to read it in my room. I finiahed it and got 4-6 and finally I read Cabal.

Cabal as it turned out was the novel on which the movie "Nightbreed" was based on. The book wasn't horror, not in the true sense and by that time I kne that Barker had more to offer.

So you're wondering why I talk about this all so passionatley? What it has to do with my illness? Ok well I am actually getting to that.

I wasn't old enough to see the movie but I had seen Robocop a few years prior on video and found the violence to be unpleasant. I didn't think Nightbreed would have anything to freak me out. I was right.

The monsters were the good guy and the misfits and it was wonderful and I felt like the movie had been made just for me.

Recently I rediscovered Nightbreed, I watched it and it still makes me feel warm. I'm no monster but I do know I'm different from people because of my illness. To me the theme of who is truly the monster is more relevant than ever.

To me the Thusday of Bloodstock has always been about getting settled, and chilling. Making sure you don't over do drinking (Being that I don't drink alchohol anymore this point was moot. What isn't so great is if you can't sleep. I brought zopiclone for that very problem and for once it worked. Well sort of.
I ended up wandering around at three in the morning feeling a little dopey. Did you know that The Samaritans are at all festivals? No? I sure didn't. I was kinda strung out and one of them talked to me so I talked. They asked me why I was so strung out and couldn't sleep. I didn't think anything of it and i blurted out I had bipolar and that meant sometimes I don't sleep, nor do i suffer from sleep deprevation. The lady was nice so i sat and talked. She asked me if I was feeling bad and of course I felt just fine. I told them it's a part of the illness and it's ok because this just happenes.

Needless to say every time I walked past from then until the festival they would ask how I was. My wife made fun of it, asking if I had made new friends. Her evil sarcasm makes me laugh.

So, Friday...a good day to be into Black metal.

So let me explain something, I am a die hard metal fan. Have been since I was very young. I am however very easy going about it and like a lot of different music too, just not as much as metal. I honestly believe that metal saved my life a lot of times when I have been in dark places. I listen to some metal bands because I enjoy the music, NOT because I believe in their politics.

So First thing we saw The Commander in Chief, a norwegian Beauty with a four octave voice, playing a seven stringed guitar. Not only that but the band are amazing live.

Freedom Call, a power metal band were the first band I could be bothered to see. really great fun and my wife is very into power metal so she was happy. Better yet, I was feeling ok. I didn't want to go into the pit (Not yet). After that my wife ased if I was feeli9ng alright and I did. I asked why and she told me to look at my hands. Shock of my life I had awful tremors going on. I was dehydrated. So I lay down and rested my head in her lap and had a rest while drinking water. Well between that and being attacked by my son who was bradishing a big ass inflatable sword.

Eventually the next decent band came on. Iced Earth, always liked Iced Earth because the didn't compromise, I respect that. What I didn't expect was to hear one of the most heart felt songs I have ever heard played live. I can respect that. I also got a little emotional thinking of all the people in this past year who have looked after me or watched over me when i was in a bad place. I'm used to songs getting to me but I didn't expect that and honestly it was beautiful. This is the song if youre interested: [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jGw3QXsnTY[/url]

I think I managed to pick myself up (Still got the bad leg remember) for the next band. I felt good and more energised. My wife took our son off to see some of the less heavy band and me, i had a moshpit with Sepultura. Now make no mistake, they were not as good as when Max and Igor Cavalera. still I had seen the new line-up and they were brutal. I made it into the pit(such as it was) and had a great time. After that the Dio Disciples (Basically a Dio cover band but with better musicians.. I decided I sould catch up with my wife and son. Aparently I had missed quite the show but meh. I also told her i wasn't gonna see her until we were back in the tent. I had a headliner and special guest both Black Metal and it was about time for me to put my other face on.

The problem of corpse paint is that nine times out of ten it is too much. Seen many different patterns and best are the ones that are not overstated. simple lines shadows from your eyes and Black on lips with a perma frown painted to under the chin. I looked at my work and it was good. Proper corpse paint does not scream look how many inverted pentagrams and inverted crosses...

[ Continued ]