Life comes at you fast on from many different angles. Note to self never try and get to know someone taking off your mask. Lmao! It doesn't work. Just keep it on. My therapist told me this. He said explicitly never take it off. I told him you know one day soon I hope to take it off and it will be all good and everything will work out fine. He was right, it didn't work. He said no one will like to see it. I tried recently and not in the way people think. I mean they don't even understand what you did. I tried to show my feelings my emotions. All it does is creep people out cuz that's how awkward they feel. I tried to be vulnerable. I was vulnerable. So they could be. It doesn't work, I repeat it doesn't work. They will never be able to connect with you on that level. It is too strong for them to bond with you. Too intense and in fact it flatters them to a point they think your obsessed or desperate. Don't ever do it again. Protect the image people like and enjoy and accept. My therapist told me that I can only modify my behavior but not my core. He told me not to uncover who you really are. That no one would like or appreciate it so just compensate and be the projection of your self that people can enjoy and tolerate. I told him I would prove him wrong. That was almost five years ago. He was right and I was wrong.

Oh I gave it a go. I tried my dead level best. You know I should of known better. I've probably now lost a friend that I actually liked. I never should of put this on them. I was wrong for that. They is good people and it is a lot to ask for anyone to do even the ideal candidate. A opportunity occurred and I was like I'm a go for it. They said it was weird. ROFL! It isn't their fault. It isn't. I am very well.....I feel bad about it. They don't deserve to be scared. I didn't try to. I was trying to connect, to gain their trust. I did everything I could to like obtain it. Maybe they just needed more time. I probably jumped the gun but this was a one shot deal. Strip the superficiality away and dive in and well the water chilled me to the bone. I want to be comfortable and that's only gonna happen if they are comfortable around me. I guess I'm to fuked up for that.

Thing is I was totally trying to work up to it the moment I got involved with them. Was thinking hey this might work! I was pretty excited. They have dealt with people before that were "difficult." I was absolutely certain that it was going to work. Total failure. What lies beneath should stay beneath and never surface. Just be your charming awesome sexy self. Don't risk it cuz you will look hella weak. But not only weak but a pathetic weak. I don't know I'm pretty disappointed in me. I came to the forum to prove my diagnosis wrong. Even though it was an answer to prayer. I thought maybe God was telling me this is how far I have fallen. But no he was telling me like it was. This is you. I've done my best to modify it but I can never be myself in front of anyone except people who don't mind. And well those people are only found in a few places. Usually the sort no one wants to hang with. So you live and
learn.

It's true that I've never mixed well with schizophrenics or their kin, but I always loved your weirdness. It gave me the courage to talk to you in spite of my anxiety. I wish you wouldn't cover it up.

At the time you prayed for the answer that turned out to be your diagnosis, I may have been praying for you, too, though I'd never met you, online or off.

Happy birthday, my weird, wonderful, "slightly schizophrenic," and yes, antisocial man,...wherever you are.