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MissRaven
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Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:53 am
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Ventilation System
   Thu May 31, 2012 10:20 am

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Ventilation System

Permanent Linkby MissRaven on Thu May 31, 2012 10:20 am

Well I haven't been on here in many many months... It hasn't been going well for me... I'm taking Pristiq, Topamax, Risperdal, & Invega to ease my psych... I take stimulants (Adderall & Provigil) for my narcolepsy and Xyrem for my narcolepsy too... I take some kidney medicine as well... and Potassium for my kidneys...

BUT... to the point....

I'm a Emotionless Zombie!!! I walk around just breathing in oxygen and taking up space... I don't feel anymore, I don't care about anything or anyone or myself!!! Its these stupid meds!!! Ugh I can't even write! I have no creative mind because of them I hate it... That's why I haven't been on here cause I can't freaking write!!! When I go a day without taking my meds I get all clear headed... I start realizing how crappy things are and I want to change... I make a goal list... I might even exercise... I see what kind of person I've become and its very upsetting then those raw emotions that I never ever feel start bleeding through... Its too much for me to handle cause its been so long so I have to take those stupid meds to dull it out... Then Im back to who cares... all those goals-right out the window... Its like they meant nothing those feelings-never happened... How disgusted I felt when I got a good look at how I let myself go... Even my fiance broke it to me that I let myself go and he wasnt talking about my weight either... but how disgusted I felt- like I never felt it when I take my meds. I go back to doing nothing... feeling nothing... caring about nothing... while my life and relationship falls apart... yea maybe the meds work in dulling my emotions but they are ruining my life!!!! :cry:

On the upside... I started hypno therapy and My therapist is gonna try and get my off those stupid meds...

0 Comments Viewed 5198 times

canned nuts anyone?

Permanent Linkby MissRaven on Sun Aug 14, 2011 3:38 am

i cant believe the stuff i am posting... im telling things i dont even tell my doctor because i think he would heavily medicate me and put me in a padded room haha... nothing suicidal dont worry... :oops:

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Just Plain Outsider

Permanent Linkby MissRaven on Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:24 am

i think maybe im just paranoid, but i havent been suffering from paranoia all that much lately... maybe its more of my social anxiety... but i find this website, and i think i can tell what i got in this little nut of mine good and bad (note: im already having just a terrible day)... but i get on here and just open this mess of me everywhere.... im not even done yet... i think i could prolly post help questions in every disorder forum and help forum... but i got over eager for help and someone to be like me too... and i posted some seriously crazy me stories with questions... i honestly think they are so weird and strange that there isnt anyone out there that can say yep i know exactly what you are talking about... and i think people are like "omg this is just insane, im not even gonna attempt to try to help this person..." i posted help questions in quite a few places and havent gotten a single response. now im kinda freaking out that people know stuff that only me and my fiance knows,

and stuff im too afraid to tell my psychiatrist one reason i dont want really powerful sedating meds, two they are always trying to put me in the damn hospital...i guess they consider me a high risk patient, it says that on my chart in the corner, my new stupid doc put it there...asshole! just today i had to convince them not to put me in the hospital just because i was crying... luckily i didnt have my stupid doctor that doesnt trust me and i dont trust him, he wouldnt of even asked me if i was ok to go home... his method is so i wont bail, tell me to wait in his office while hes going to get my scripts off the printer, then he comes back in and starts asking questions... like last time he acted like he needed to go over my medications with me, then he went over them and then decided to tell me about 5 min before i had to leave that i was going... i swear he may of well just of said "lets take a walk" i got the cool nurse practitioner today who actually has enough faith in me to believe me when i say im ok to go home...

Maybe i opened up too much and freaked everyone out

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feeling a bit crazy over here today

Permanent Linkby MissRaven on Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:53 pm

i am all over this forum asking questions and opening my crazy worms everywhere... i hope no one knows me here... ive talked about my narcolepsy, my unknown dissociative type disorder> which sounds bonkers when you type it out... posted some poems, hope i get some input, but not too harsh cause im new at the poetry i like to write short stories, commented on a cutting forum and gave advice about how i was able to get through mine, found someone that has something like me and got goosebumps reading their post cause i couldnt believe that someone else felt like they had some sort of demon like person begging to be let out in them too... introduced myself in the new members forum and listed my medical conditions, dunno if i was supposed to do that or not.... still gotta talk about my depression issues and get some tips, get in the borderline personality forums if there is any, def get some help about coping with social anxiety cause that is next on my list of ruining my life right under narcolepsy... gotta read through the ocd for some help... ugh issues issues issues... maybe read some posts see if i can give any coping skills i use for someone... or just be there...

i havent gotten any replies on anything i have posted i have either posted or replied to 10 things so far.... maybe my stuff is just way to crazy for anyone to help or answer... :( hope thats not the case ive waited my whole life for someone to know what im talking about and maybe be able to say heres what i have done to help myself... heres hoping to a new kind of friend cause all my friends were like wow im outta here...

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attempt at being "better"

Permanent Linkby MissRaven on Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:35 am

intro: I suffer from quite a few disorders... some may clash but i dont have a recent list of diagnoses, but what i have been diagnosed with by 3 different psychs is a mix of Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Disassociate Disorder, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Severe Depression, and Paranoia with delusions... I currently take 100mg of Topamax as my mood stabilizer, 150mg of Pristiq as my antidepressant, 10mg of Valium 4 times a day as my anti anxiety, 2mg of Risperdal as my antipsychotic, 9mg of Invega as an antipsychotic and to control my temper, 200mg of Trazodone, Just came off Haldol and switched to the Risperdal which seems to help with the paranoia and the thoughts... Haldol was giving me really bad nightmares that i couldnt tell if they were real or not... I have had 13 treatments of electroconvulsive therapy, where i lost almost all my memory and it never came back which is pretty rare i guess for the memory not to come back at all... its been a couple years... i see a psychiatrist every 2 weeks to a month but been having issues getting seen that quick so its been 2 months... i have a therapist as well...

after years of being miserably depressed i had a great experience, and with my memory being so bad just this past feb 2011 something happened i cant remember but i came out of my funk... and for the first time ever, i mean 1st time i felt happy, genuinely happy... it was the greatest feeling ever... i had given up on this dream of mine of ever feeling this emotion without that dark cloud there to eat it up.. now im so very negative a good thought cannot even process in my mind, and this day i was thinking positive and i thought im gonna keep this going... i didnt even have the fear of really bad things happening for punishing me for being happy... for once i didnt feel id rather be dead today... the day just seemed to go so well, nothing brought me down, nothing bothered me... i had made a great break through in my life the night before and i was so proud i know that much... it was something i never thought i could ever do... things were changing... later that night i had another great break through... i was making big foot prints in the sand... it was unbelievable to me... all this without illegal drugs or alcohol too... the next day happy again... i thought positive thoughts, changed my environment, was awake and alert and doing things, i cleaned my house, i do admit it was my 1st day on an increased dose of my adderall stimulant, which only worked for a week :( but i was doing exceptionally well... i had to separate myself from my friends who were really bringing me down which made me feel bad but i was just getting on my feet and couldnt handle a relapse into that world right now... i was way too fragile... i felt like i had cured my depression and i no longer had it... ha sorely mistaken...

i was having issues with stimulants and narcolepsy again like i have been for a couple years now, my fav psychiatrist was doing psych hospital only and i got a new doc that didnt trust me cause i was a high risk patient because of my past suicide attempts with taking bottles of pills which was years ago, and wouldnt give me anything... he treated me like some kind of junkie too, which he never had any reason to do that... so i started sleeping weeks on end, but i never cried or lost hope... i remained collected, old me woulda fallen to pieces... so from feb all the way till june i did awesome even though my life was falling apart and horrible...

then i broke... i came crashing down like a train wreck... me and my fiance starting fighting... it seemed the better i got the worse we got... my grandma got lung cancer and started chemo, i was told i have to go back to work, when i feel like i cant do it, the desperation to feel like i can live a life and not sleep it away... and me breaking hurt...

[ Continued ]

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