I am feeling pretty ok right now. It's probably the most contented I've felt for 4-5 weeks.
I just feel that, although I have issues, and although I may be messed up in a lot of ways, it doesn't matter. Browsing these forums helps a lot. It makes me see that there are so many of us out there, each with our own problems, our own issues, our own pain, our own damaging behaviours.
I think the best thing I can do is accept myself completely as I am. All the darkness as well as the light. And I feel like I have been able to do that today.
I also feel a lot better about the boyfriend situation. And I've been able to sustain that feeling for the whole day, hurrah!
I don't know why. I think it's because I have distanced myself from him a bit. I feel I've regained a bit of control, for the moment.
I'm just hoping I can keep this feeling. I have work tomorrow. Only a 4 hour shift. I've been finding myself very easily set off by small things there recently. I have found certain people to be difficult to tolerate. I can do it though. Soon I will be working somewhere else.

I've been suffering from a bout of bad insomnia for about the past 4 weeks. I wish it would go away.
I think it has something to do with me reconnecting with my ex.
I just wrote a whole blog post about it. Then deleted it all.
I don't know what to do. I don't think it can work.
At the moment I feel like I want to be with him as much as I don't want to.
But I can't seem to decide on either. It's not good.
I am constantly jumping between thinking 'that's it, I have to end it NOW, this is not good enough!' to 'I need to be with him. Were made for each other, we have a special connection'. It's all very confusing.
I want to end it. But I can't. I don't think its going to work
I can't take this. I wish I never spoke to him again. Why. Why did I speak to him again.
This is f***ing with my head so much.
I didn't care before. But now I do. It's not good enough. He doesn't care enough.
If it was another girl I bet he would be so different. He hasn't even changed his facebook status to in a relationship. Well if that's the way he feels then he can f*** the relationship. If he doesn't feel proud enough to have a burning desire to tell everyone about it then he can f right off.
That's it. And that's not even me being over-sensitive! is it? You should change your relationship status! I don't have facebook. But he does and he goes on his every day. And we first said that we were officially in a relationship a few days ago. So why would he not change it?! He's been on it since then. And he didn't actively tell any of his friends, he said that they asked about it so he told them. I don't believe him. Maybe he didn't even say we were.
That's it. It's not good enough. Well that's that.
I'm sorry if anyone reads this, I know I'm coming across rather angrily.
But I am hurt I let myself feel something again and I shouldn't have done.