Back from vacation.

It was quite the tumultuous adventure.

What was possibly meant to be the lowest point of my year, I feel in fact has taught me a rather useful lesson; it is alright to set aside pride sometimes and ask for help, and that it is much more likely to get a favorable result when the hostility dial is turned down just a wee bit.

If it weren't for 3 or 4 specific people, I would have been in a very bad position.

Perhaps it pays to be...nice?

Hmm...no, humble I think would suit me best.

Let's see how long this will last.

No.

Year is not going as I expected.

Pissed off.

Inching ever closer to the notion of bankruptcy.

If only I could tell people at work what I was really thinking about them.

The things I keep myself from doing for money...

So my health has taken a recent plummet. Being a person that is perpetually ailing, I am not all that surprised.

What is bothering me is, all this time it has been one thing or another , I'd get better and that was the end of it. Usually, though there are problems that I needed surgery to correct and more surgeries I am recommended to do to fix others. [I'm trying my best not to.] Except this time around, it is more ravaging than ever. It is persistent, and it literally feels like my body is wasting away and I can do nothing to prevent it. Many autoimmune diseases that I have apparently had for some time now, some all my life, have suddenly over the past 2-3 months are displaying more rapidly, more obviously and taking a greater toll on my body.

Starting last year I had been doing very well in the way of my attempts at passiveness. I was proud of myself, was less agitated, much less violent and more patient. Pretty docile, actually.

That didn't last very long. Coincidentally, I have noticed an increase in anger, hatred, contempt and violence of all sorts resurface in conjunction to my recent sharp decline in health.

I find it exponentially difficult day by day to leave my home for any reason. More recently, it has escalated to my feelings of certain physical illness, in particular nausea, when speaking to others. Even the mere thought of having to communicate with others is giving me great distress.

These feelings are not foreign to me as I had suffered a bad period of agoraphobia 10 years ago. I tried my best to only leave the house for school if it were possible. It usually was.

Now that I am an adult, I feel even more pressure to having to be out and about amongst others. Over the years, I have gotten accustomed to it, though I may not have always wanted to. These days, however, I get very distressed over it, nervous and angry. It almost feels that something bad is surely going to happen to me if I associate with people, I can not narrow it down to any reason. It really is getting as bad to the point that is making me automatically disliking someone if they greet me.

Questions. They always want to ask questions. I REALLY hate when people ask me questions pertaining to myself.

I really much rather be left the hell alone. Isolation tank daydreams have been recurrent also, would not even begin to know where to locate one, let alone be able to afford a session. What a shame, daydreaming of being submerged is the only thing lately that quiets the violence.

A blog post on things I am more than sure you have heard others say. Blogging to blog for blog's sake.

I often refer to myself as the world's greatest liar to those close enough to understand without judgement.

I say this because I have to constantly put on fronts and feign emotions in the public.

I've gotten very good at memorizing and mimicking emotions.
[Though at times some people ask me if I'm crying or laughing, when it's proving to be particularly difficult, I find it easier to transition myself into a cry by initiating with laughter (it is probably more to give my body the appearance of "wracking.")]

For as long as I can remember I have felt disconnected from everyone and try as I might to put on the usual affairs of "normalcy," I still manage to come across as a bit "off."

I still have yet to pinpoint exactly what it is that is that so immediately noticeable to others as being "off."

Perhaps I'm just not as good as faking emotions as I think I am. I have gotten interesting feedback from peers on their first and current impressions of me.

I have spent my whole life picking apart and analyzing every single vibe, thought and impulse I have. Trying to get a clearer picture, to get a better sense of self. Nothing ever changes in the way I view myself after discovering a new aspect of my personality.

I suppose the allure labels have to me is the ease of explanation of myself to others that quite don't understand abstract thought. If I throw around a medical term, suddenly they understand. Go figure. I always find it MUCH more difficult to try and explain myself piece by piece, tier by tier.

As much of a pain in the ass that is, I am certainly grateful that I am not boring.

Although I try to an extent to hide my true colors, I can not be completely suppressed. What I mean by that is, I am for the most part open about most aspects of my personality. Specific thoughts a bit more rarely unless it is with a like-minded person, or if I'm testing their reaction. Actions however, are much more difficult to deal with. There are many, many things that I simply can not do lest I seriously implicate myself. That is something that must never happen under any circumstance. So I can't exactly go off into public and wreak havoc.

And so, a large portion of my life is either suppressed or superficial.

It comes as such a shock to someone once they realize that all of the reassuring and flattering drivel I spit at them daily are nothing but fallacies.

You see, I don't think in terms of 'love.' But I must in order to establish relationships, so I fake it.

Instead of thinking in terms of 'love,' it is more in terms of levels of respect and levels of trust I hold to an individual.

The more highly I regard them and the more I trust them with is my interpretation of the 'love' emotion that most people feel.

Therefore, family and friends. I tell them I 'love' them to appeal to their sensitivities, but what I really feel and what I'd really like to say is "I respect and trust you very much, and so I value this."

However, my 'love' is shallow. One mistake, one slip-up and all of that comes tearing down in split-seconds. Before they even have time to react, I am in a rage. I am in that moment unforgiving, unrelenting, demeaning, abusive...anything you would expect someone that "hates" you to unleash.

And yet...and yet, in a usually incredibly short time span, all is forgotten. I don't care about the issue and I never really did, it was all in the principle of the matter.

Ah, the tribulations I must put their little hearts through.

And then they want to get MAD at me! Claiming it almost appears as if I enjoy this emotional and mental torture and abuse.

Well.

Yes. I do. Sometimes I will tell them that as well. Other times I deny it, but they know me all too well in their proximity to me.

Well, that is all I have to say on that. Perhaps I had gotten off track. Does it...

[ Continued ]