Mood: Anxious, scattered thoughts
Listening to: The White Buffalo- The Whistler


Things have been difficult lately, I have trouble keeping thoughts in order and staying focused on one thing for very long. I recently moved half way across the country in an attempt to "start new". I was born and raised in the same state for my entire life with one small exception for a couple of months as a child. I thought it would be an easier transition than it has been, All of my trauma occurred in that state again with the one exception. I thought moving away and starting over with fresh memories and no constant reminders of the past would help. I was dead wrong, I must first start by saying that I have been diagnosed many things over the years. Here is a list thus far.

Borderline Personality
RAD
Agoraphobia
SAD
GAD
Antisocial personality disorder
Complex PTSD
DID

I think that covers them, I do have issues with my memory. I have conversations with people that I do not recall ever having, I end up in places and cannot remember how I got there etc.

I have had flashbacks since I became sexually active. I acted out sexually on inanimate objects for as far back as I can remember, because I was so young when it started I thought it normal. I started experimenting sexually with others at a very young age, the earliest memory of said experimentation was roughly 1st or 2nd grade and it was with another young girl. At the time she was my best friend, we kissed and played "show and tell". I was very experimental with most friends, male and female. I did not however have "intercourse" until I was 16 and ended up marrying that man. I was in that relationship for 12 years and had two children. I have never successfully been faithful in any relationship that I have ever been a part of. I have never felt that love and connection to a human that tells you not to do that or don't it will hurt them. I guess you could say my moral compass is not functioning. I know the difference between right and wrong and I understand the consequences but somewhere after understanding what is going on or about to go on and making the proper moral call something gets screwy. I realized that the best type of relationship for someone like me is either an open one or a poly one. I never liked the idea of the "swinging" lifestyle so that really was not something that interested me. The problem with all of this is that I did not realize what I was like until later. I was in a relationship with another female for 4 years, I was not faithful in the beginning of the relationship. I think looking back now and after many many therapy sessions that she is the only human I have ever connected with. One day she tells me that she wants out of the relationship, she is unhappy. She said that I was emotionally cold, not affectionate, not passionate, distant. Something inside of me broke that day. The best way I can describe it is that the years of abuse,neglect and torture that I had endured and pushed deep down came exploding out of me all at once like a cork pulled from a champagne bottle that had been shaken. It was a complete mental break down, for the next two years I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. This was my first experience with the mental heath profession.