Hi everyone!

I can't tell you how much relieved I am that I found you guys. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone!

Well... another night without sleep. Therefore I thought that I should use my time wisely and tell you the rest of my story. Well, where have we been?...

I was 19 as I moved over to my first own apartment. Of course I visited my sister from time to time and I was quite sure that my brother-in-law wouldn't do anything to me. I simply tried to forget everything what happened some years ago. It didn't took long until he began to say something stupid. Sentences like "You look hot in your jeans" were normal during my visits. Oh well, who would think of something dangerous by hearing a sentence like that? None, because such sentences are absolutely typical for boys. Unfortunately this had been just the beginning. During the upcoming months he didn't touch me. Therefore I tried to calm down again. But he said more sentences which were really stupid. Sentences like "May I have a picture of you? You are a pretty hot wanking material!" He also sat often on the couch, opened his jeans from one moment to another and said "Would you like to touch HIM?"
I always tried to ignore him. Because everything had been a little bit too much for me I decided to reduce my visits. Therefore I stopped by from time to time during hours when he wasn't at home because of his work. My sister had no clue about anything. I thought that I could stop him if I would be able to make it impossible for him to see me that often. But I was wrong. My sister began to work again and it appeared that I simply had the wrong timing to visit her. Therefore my brother-in-law found moments when I was completely alone with him in the house. He began to slip under my clothes again and to touch my body everywhere. He didn't care that I told him to stop that. He did it again and again for several times. He also tried to enter me with his fingers... There had been many more stupid sentences of him, more horrible moments for me, more abuses and more cuts on my arms during the upcoming months. Too much to tell you over here in that blog.
My brother-in-law didn't stop and with the time it got even worse. I didn't know what to do. I was feared, but on the same time I knew very well that I had to do something to stop that. It took some more months until I had been finally brave enough to go to my sister to tell her everything about my dark secret.

I was quite sure that my sister would be angry about me, that she wouldn't believe me or that she would throw me out of her house. But she didn't. After a lot of tears she made a decision what made the blood in my veins freeze. She decided herself for a divorce. Later she told me that she did believe me because of the way how he always treated her. I had no clue about that until that moment...

Hi everyone!

Another day is over and I'm feared about the upcoming night. Last night was horrible and full of nightmares. But maybe I should use todays blog entry to tell you a little bit more about my story...

I was 12 years old as my Mother died. My Father never cared about me. He hated me and told me over and over that I shouldn't be born and that I would destroy his life. Day by day he played his psyco games. He forbade me to see my friends and to leave my room during the day. I always left the house early in the morning to go to school, but he freaked completely out if I returned some minutes later than usual. It went so far that I was close to commit suicide. Therefore it happened that I had to decide between life or death. I decided to fight and asked the people of the youth welfare office to rescue me. They took me out from my fathers home and brought me to an orphanage. I was 16 when that happened. One month later my sister and her husband offered me to live together with them and their little daughter in their appartment. I thought that it would be a chance for me to find a new family. A family that I missed so much for so many years. But unfortunaly I just went from one hell into another.

My brother-in-law began to abuse me. He began to touch me. The first time he didn't got under my clothes with his hands. But he began to feel safe and unobserved with the time. The next sexual assaults were different. They lasted for a longer time and they were more intense than the first one: He went further and got under my clothes with his fingers. It was horrible!!! I felt how he touched me, how he held me back, how he knead my breasts and my buttocks. I felt the upcoming panic inside of me. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I was frozen, unable to do anything. And he was sooooo aroused during that. Horrible! Each time after these assaults I felt so dirty. It felt as if it wouldn't be my body any longer or as if my body wouldn't belong to me any longer. Therefore I began to cut myself with a scissor. I did it each time when he abuse me again, because the pain of the cut was worse enough to overhear the pain of my body. The worst of all was that I couldn't tell my sister about that. Thanks to my past she was the only kind of family member that I still had who cared for me. And I knew that she wouldn't believe me if I would tell her what her beloved husband did to me. Therefore I stayed silent. Luckily she asked me to leave her home one year later, because it was too difficult for her to live together with me. There had always been some conflicts about cooking or cleaning between her, her husband and me.
I was happy to leave them, even though that this meant to me that I had to return to the orphanage. The sexual abuse stopped by that way. Maybe my brother-in-law was feared because the youth welfare office had to take care about me once again from that time on.
I tried to forget everything and to live a normal life. I was safe as long as I stayed away from my brother-in-law. Besides that I still trusted him and my sister. I know that this might sound stupid to you. But they were the only ones who took care about me since I was 12. I had no one else than both of them. Therefore I tried to convince myself that nothing happened to me. I simply didn't want to destroy the family of my sister. I wanted that her daughter would get the chance to live in a perfect family with a mother and a father.

But unfortunately I was wrong again. HE did it again to me after I left the orphanage to move into my first appartment. I was 19 by that time...

Hi everyone!

Well, where shall I begin?... I'm sitting in my bed. It is in the middle of the night and I'm unable to find some sleep. The reason for that is quite simple: my past. My dreams are hunting me once again after so many years. The dreams are always similar: He's standing in front of my bed, telling me that I wont be able to escape and I'm frozen while looking at him. *sigh* Oh I hate that kind of dreams sooooo much! - Just because I've been so stupid to think that it would be wise to put everything in a small box inside of me to lock it away. I thought I would be strong enough and that it would be easy to act as if nothing had happened. But I was sooooo god damned wrong. I feel so lonely and lost with my past and my feelings at the moment. Everything confuses me and I'm more than glad that I found the community today. Reading all these threads about the things which happened to everyone of you made me feel a little bit better. Don't get me wrong - Your blogs and the topics which I read let me know that I'm not alone and that sexual abuse isn't something what you can simply throw away as if it would be nothing.
I would be happy to get to know some of you a little bit better with the time, to share the things that we suffered and to find new friends.
Gosh, it feels so good to know that I'm not alone with the things that happened to me.

Nighty night,
Mel