I've been seeing this psychiatrist for over a year and she hasn't helped me whatsoever
Only in the last two sessions has I opened up to her properly and that's just after I turned 17

Basically. I'm not trying to self-diagnosis myself
I'd really really hate to do that and also, NONE of this is for attention
A disorder or a diagnosis is nothing to go around flaunting to people for attention

I've always known I've had problems. I was diagnosed once in my life at a young age with anorexia, i've always had a problem with food and gaining and losing weight. Things are black and white and alternate very quickly. I suffered from trichitillomania severely whilst in primary school and there's been many problems on top of all these things.

My therapist hasn't talked once about getting a diagnosis. I've been through some traumatic events and I think she was trying to find out if I had PTSD but I don't have any of the symptoms for that.
My mum is the most useless person within all this and wouldn't even spend a single penny on my mental health, or let alone help me.

All I really want is H.E.L.P. A diagnosis would be so beneficial because I'd be able to understand many more things about what's going on and I wouldn't feel so intimated and alone with everything. Questioning if it's one thing or another.

Yes, I've looked into BPD and I've done several online tests (NOT TO DIAGNOSE MYSELF) just to see how well it all matches. Obviously being completely honest within all this and everything about it seems, right. It would explain my intense friendships and relationships which I've ALL walked away from because I become so emotionally attached and hurt it's unreal. My friendships and relationships, apart from one friendship which was for 6 years but was VERY unstable and consisted of frantic efforts to keep this girl in my life. I've been so unstable with all of this and I always end up walking away because it's too much.

I've also had these hallucinations (voices only) and I'm always so paranoid, checking around me constantly if I think something's wrong. Also, I thought it could have been something schizophrenic. Now, I'm pretty convinced that it isn't (thank goodness) but I still want to find answers to all of these things.

Also, comparing things up, I've always been paranoid about my mum keeping cameras in the room or somehow being able to watch me. My built in webcam is always covered with something whilst I'm using the computer and I often skip meals and food my mum gives me because I'm worried there's poison. Stupid as heck, I know but I can't get the though out of my head that it really could be there.

I binge drink quite often and I spend a LOT of money. On pointless things which I really don't need.

I'm always drawn by self-harm. This would be the very time of me ever posting anywhere anything related to me self-harming. I rarely tell anybody when it happens, but I don't anymore. The last time was last year but that wasn't because I told anybody. It was because a VERY dramatic event happened and I went crazy out of impulse and went straight to the razor blade and there was a lot of blood stains on carpets and things.

Also things like trichitillomania and starving myself felt like things I really enjoyed in my life
Not the result, of course but whilst doing it.

Sometimes, I lay in the bathroom cuddled in a small ball and do nothing for literally HOURS.
I feel really empty, like there's nothing inside of me. I'm not even in content with thought.
I'm just finished, bored, alone, emotionless. I don't want to move but I don't want to stay where I am.

Also, when my therapist was trying to figure out if I had PTSD (which I clearly hadn't), she then proceeded to listen to my thoughts and said to me the words specifically, "black and white?" She basically put my feelings into three words and I'd seen these words before so it struck me straight away that she was referring to BPD. Or something of the sort.

I get so, so...

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