I didn't cut in about a month now. I don't know why but I just haven't had the urge to. I'd gotten so used to doing it a few times a week, that it feels weird now. My old scars are fading and I miss seeing the redness right after I cut. I guess I just miss the way it looked, and not the way it felt after.

I'll be starting college in september and I am so happy that I am not returning to my old school. I hated them uniforms we had to wear. It made my self harm so obvious. And i got so fed up of hearing people talking about my anorexia behind my back.I like that I would be around a whole new group of people. I'm really avoidant so I'm kind of scared of meeting new people. I already prepared the conversations I might have when I meet someone.
I hope everything goes alright. I'm not sure yet if 5 courses might be too much to handle, but I think I could get through it. I'm one of the youngest in the school so I know it will be really weird being a class with older people. And group projects.. I don't like it. Working with other people. And the presentations that might have to be done in class. I hate that feeling when all eyes are on you. I get so speechless.
I don't know what people might think if they see my arms. I'm sure most of the times in class it will be covered but when I'm outside, where the sun is SO hot, I'll have no other choice but to have it exposed.
Well, I'm doing psychology. I always thought mental health was so fascinating, especially since I've had to go through a lot of problems myself. Trich, OCD, depression and anxiety and cutting. I might feel a little uncomfortable in class where they are talking about specific disorders, but I'll be able to manage.

So I went over to my friend's house after feeling guilty for ignoring her this past two months. Some other friends were there too. It was okay for a while but I started to get irritated when I noticed that all they were interested in doing was dressing up and taking pictures of themselves and uploading them on Facebook. I HATE pictures...a lot and they do know that. Yet, they kept telling me to come take pics with them. I was getting so annoyed and I couldnt wait to leave. Why is it so hard to understand that I DO NOT feel comfortable taking pictures? I couldn't wait to get out of there.

"Honour your mother and your father".
There's nothing wrong with being rude when your mother is drunk and your father is high, and they're both screaming, picking out your faults and telling you how worthless you are. Looking for any small little mistake or imperfection to lash out at. Why is it wrong to defend yourself? To tell them "No, I am not worthless, stupid or an ass. You are, for not taking on the responsibilities of being parents". Why did you say those things to me? You brought me here. Why did you make that choice if you hate me so much?

I met with a friend who lives away and who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. I felt so stupid. All I could say was "hi.." It was like we were meeting for the first time. There were so many things I could have said to her like how is the country so far, but I was unable to say anything really. I guess I was waiting for her to start a conversation. She's going back soon but I might still try to talking to her and get this fixed.